The Last Station

So...it looks like I owe some thank you's and some apologies today.

First of all, a big thank you to my bro-in-arms, Cormac McLaggen. I hate that I love you and I love how much I hate you. I'm pretty sure our duel ended in a tie this time...we'll have to arrange a draw-breaker somewhere down the road. At least we get to do our community service together! P.S. the Magpies still suck.

Second thank you goes out to Hogsmeade Precinct. Your cells are surprisingly roomy and I slept quite well, all things considering. Was that sandalwood I smelled? You run a classy establishment there.

The third and most heartfelt thank you goes out to my very beautiful and understanding girlfriend, Millicent. Thank you for taking pity on me and bailing me out, as well as taking care of most of my bumps and bruises. I'll make it up to you in whatever manner you deem suitable.

There is only one apology and I cannot overstate how sincere and passionate I am when I say it. I am so, incredibly sorry Serena. It was Cormac's spell that hit you I swear It was dumb and childish to duel right in front of the WWN and the fact that you got caught in the middle makes me want to throw up. I am so, so sorry.

Warded to Serena
...are you going to fire me? Please, please don't fire me, I love my job. I'll do anything. Accept any punishment, make it up in any way that I can, I swear it. And even if you have to fire me, please tell me we can still be friends? If we couldn't be friends I don't think that I could bear it.

As soon as you left this morning, the cats stole my toast. Hot, buttery toast with jam wasted on your mean, conspiring cats. My whole day is ruined and so is your ottoman, I think. Simply covered in jelly pawprints. I miss you. You should come and meet me for dinner. I'll share my bagel with you and everything.

Things I Am Sorry For:
- The end of the regular Hydra's season. Only went to one game this year and got into a shouting match with my ex while I was there but it ended up being a really nice time. Hope to catch a few more matches next season!
- Not visiting my Gram more. I felt like I just visited her and then, whoops, suddenly it is a month later and I get a howler at work wondering if I'm still alive. Spoiler alert: I am.
- Not going out more! I love my new job and I don't think I'm terrible at it but this second shift life is turning me into an old lady.

Things I Am Not Sorry For:
- All those extra early morning Foxglove Flitterbies practices! My pants fit better and we won this Sunday finally!
- Slapping my girlfriend's butt after said Foxglove win. It was a good-sportsmanlike gesture of congratulations from one teammate to another. The fact that I kept my hand there for awhile was completely an accident.
- Taking off my shirt and running around the pitch while screaming, "wooo" after the aforementioned Foxglove win. I'm not sure if I simply I reverted back to my old "shirts" ways or if I was caught up in the moment. Either way, not sorry!

So...not sure if it's just Apartment 24 or me specifically, but after my shower this morning I am now a lovely shade of light green. I want to call it "mint cream", but it might be more of a "pistachio". Either way, I look delicious. If it's a plumbing malfunction, everyone stay on the lookout for the green water! If it's a St. Patrick's Day prank (Cormac, James, Jimmy, I'm side-eyeing all of you), you got me good, but watch your backs! Though, to be honest, it did put me in the mood to celebrate the holiday! Irish cream flavor everything!

Warded to Serena
So...am I allowed to call out sick if I have a case of the greens? Literally, my skin is green. Do you know any good spells that might help? Showering again will only make things worse.

Warded to Millicent
Well, I think you will find me even more irresistible than normal today. I am a fantastic shade of Slytherin green.

So...right now you are across the office and you seem weird. Not, like going on a killing spree weird but more quiet weird. Are you okay? Do we need to talk to some Honeyduke's chocolates about it?

So...whose shoes did I wear home after our sophisticated brunch turned all day drinkathon on Saturday? They're huge and fancy, so I'm leaning toward James. There may be a touch of vomit on them, but on the bright side, I'm pretty sure it's mine. I'll take care of it before I return the shoes.

Was still a smidge hung over this morning. I made it to work on time but I am trying to stay away from my boss/buddy Serena, because I think I still smell like a brewery, even after a few dozen showers. It's coming out of my pores.

All in all, it was totally worth driving the porcelain knight bus all yesterday with all the fun we had. How you lads feeling?

Guess what guy has two thumbs, polished off a whole brick of cheddar cheese without ralphing today, and got a promotion at work? This wizard, that's who! I'm to be a production assistant on Countdown!, which will quickly become your favourite program on the WWN. Serena is going to be the most awesome boss ever and her show is the bomb and if you want to improve the quality of your lives, you'll listen to it. Just saying.

I can't wait to go to work and not have to worry about Celestina Warbeck trying to grab my tushie every time I have to make her tea! Sharp fingernails...yikes.

Warded to Lisa
While I didn't get the job I applied for, the powers that be were so impressed with my interview, they thought me perfect for this new job! I couldn't have done it without you, thank you so very, very much. Also, did I tell you I finally got laid? Things are coming up roses for Ritchie!

Warded to Millicent
Are you the O.W.L.S.? Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes.

So, I moved back into my own flat on Thursday. The poltergeist destroyed most of my furniture and some of my clothes, but he did leave me all my canned goods, which was nice of him. The Ministry Spirit Squad must have felt bad it couldn't control the thing because they left behind some patio furniture for me to sit on and a nice casserole to eat, so all in all it didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would.

Except that it's quiet. Too quiet. I'm used to T & D being around and its very disconcerting to be alone. I'm used to the three of us having dinner together, listening to the wireless, having pajama pillow fights. Okay, maybe not that last bit but that would've been fun. I think I can hear the blood rushing around in my brain its so quiet. Repainted the wall of my bathroom the ghost had drawn a dong on, watched that dry for awhile. Tracked a spider crawl across the floor for a good 2...maybe 3 hours. It's been a good day.

This is good. I'm a grown ass man, I should have my own place. All by myself. Yup.

Warded to Kevin
Any chance that white kitten is still available for fostering? He's probably lonely and could use a friend. So very, very lonely.

Warded to Draco and Theodore

Did either of you want/need me to come home early from work to play nursemaid? I'm not being sarcastic, I swear. If you need me to swing by the apartment sometime during the day to check up on either of you, shoot me an owl. I assumed Draco would be going to work, Theo...I dunno, man, you looked pretty rough after the match.

Also, just to give you a heads up...I'm moving out this week. They're sucking out all the excess ectoplasm from the vents as we speak and I should be able to move back in very shortly. No more sleepovers with us three musketeers but I can will always visit. So, if you want to take advantage of the undeniably healing powers of The Cooter, get your fill now.

Warded to Millicent

You feeling alright today, M? Couldn't find you after the match to check you out for myself. You can really take a beating.

...that was meant as a compliment.

Okay, gentleman and lady, it's about that time. We NEED to talk about your stag party, Draco! It is imperative that it be the biggest, baddest, mother effin' shindig that ever shindigged. Shindagged? Shindug? Whatever, we're going to blow the lid off the joint.

First thing: whose coming? Us three, obviously. But who else is worthy? I need a list, pronto, D.

Second: Need a date. I was thinking this Friday. Get it in early and then Theo has to try and get his stag party to live up to ours. As if! But if that's not cool, I'm pretty flexible (that's what she said).

Thirdly (and most importantly): On what end of the sliding scale of debauchery are we thinking here? A "one" on the scale is the equivalent of a lovely tea party at your Grandmama's house. A "ten" involves something along the lines of long-lasting boner potions, polyjuice brothels, a donkey show, questionable drug powders from Knockturn Alley, and the high likelihood of waking up in a jail cell.

I was going to make the decision for you, D, and keep everything a surprise but I'd like to know where you fall on the grey scale of weird. Give me an estimate of how freaky-deaky you want to go and Pansy and will take care of the rest.

I am so fucking pumped, I could die.

Found out a fun fact today: there are no snow days for WWN employees. So imagine my surprise when, at the crack of dawn (ok, it might have been roughly 10:45 a.m. but it felt like the crack of dawn) I get a screaming Howler demanding I get my sorry ass to work even though there is close to three feet of snow on the ground.

There is zero consideration for the fact that the closest my coworkers and I can apparate to the building is roughly the equivalent length of a Quidditch pitch. Sure, you could broom in from that point, but who has extra gallons for the broom parking pass? So I walk. What about safety concerns, huh? Employee rights, eh? Frostbite, guys! My God, the frostbite! So, I voiced my displeasure with my employer through creative means:

( NSFW, yo. If you are around young children, or nuns, or uppity lame-o's, hit the bricks. )

Yeah, take that oppressive work environment! They don't know who did it, but they should be able to pick up what I'm throwing down.

And I know what you're wondering. Was this work of art a self portrait? Yes, but with one big difference: mine isn't quite so white. Enjoy your snow day everyone!

Are you free tomorrow night?

So...I'm pretty sure a celebrity wants to have sex with me. Okay, yes, she is 87 years old but that DOES NOT change the fact that she definitely wants me and she's famous AND I could nail her if I wanted to. But that's not my point. I'll get to that later. Let me set the scene.

So I'm sitting at my receptionist desk at WWN when I am woken up from a light nap by the door opening. In walks in CELESTINA WARBECK, of all witches, early for her appointment with the station manager. So, she asks if I could make her some herbal tea, to which I happily agree to 'cause I'm awesome at my job and you should always be nice to old ladies. So, I turn to make it and she GRABS MY BUTT. Open palm, hard squeeze, ass cupping.

So me, being surprised, turned quickly around to face the old bag and commend her on her choice of butts. In turning so quickly, she also MAY have grazed my junk with her scary long fingernails. I thought it was a mistake, as I am cheetah fast and had turned in the blink of an eye, but then she gave me a creepy, old lady smile, like she was imagining me naked. It was gross/awesome. It was gross-some.

So, back to the point I alluded to earlier. At Hogwarts, when I failed Arithmancy, we learned some theory about if "a" equals "b" then it must equal "c"...or something. The transitive property? That sounds like a thing, right? Anyway, I figure, if millions of people love Celestina Warbeck, and she in turn loves me, then by this theory some smart sorcerer did, MILLIONS OF PEOPLE SHOULD LOVE ME. They just need to be given the chance!

So, to test this theory! Ladies, you can line up to my left for some chaste hand-holding or makeouts! Fellas, line up to my right for some righteous high-fives! Let's make the wizarding world a better place and all be friends with me.