The Last Station

In sum, the darling little monsters at Hogwarts stole an unprecedented

- seven cauldrons, two with significant leaks; the idiots
- nine quills
- twelve grams of unicorn hair
- seventeen inches of parchment embossed with the Malfoy crest
- and Merlin only knows how many precious years of my life

from me. In Fifth Year alone.

I can only assume it was a Gryffindor who bequeathed me thirty-two love letters to Potter. Don't worry, Potter - I provided the little stalker with directions to your cupboard.

Those of you who whinge about Slytherin bias toward Gryffindors obviously do not teach the imbeciles. Unless I'm mistaken, April Fool's Day is April 1, not April 2. If their behavior in my classroom is any indication, the Gryffindor Fifth Years are in great need of a reminder.

Perhaps their sweeping failure on their poisons parchments will provide it. I do not tolerate foolishness, and if I have my way, not one of them will progress to NEWTs-level study. Consider it a public service -- I wouldn't wish their fumbling potions attempts on my worst enemy.

Well. Maybe you, Potter.

Warded Private to Members of the Foxglove Flitterbies
Effective this Sunday, for each opponent's goal that surpasses our team total, we will complete an additional conditioning exercise during Tuesday and Thursday practices. Make no mistake: to draw is to lose.

Warded to Members of the Foxglove Flitterbies: M. Bulstrode, R. Coote, T. Nott, O. Quirke, J. Peakes, and Z. Smith
There is no LOSE in TEAM. Report to the school pitch at 5:00 a.m. on Thursday morning.

Warded to P. Parkinson
Do you have something you'd like to tell me?

Warded to L. Bole, M. Derrick, M. Flint, G. Montague, A. Pucey, C. Warrington, and B. Zabini
If you expect to maintain my good favour, I suggest you keep your pricks out of Gryffindors. This House has standards.

Warded to T. Davis, B. Dunstan, A. Greengrass, E. Midgen, and G. Montgomery
If you expect to maintain my good favour, I suggest you keep clear of Gryffindor pricks. This House has standards.

Oh, my gods, why is Bell in Hogsmeade? Now I've no choice but to become a waifishly handsome, perfectly blond hermit.

I see idiocy remains a defining characteristic of Gryffindors. How convenient to stumble upon three Gryffindor Fifth Years just before the bloody deserved conclusion of my rounds. Fifty points from Gryffindor for brewing a failed love potion outside my classroom.

Did you provide them with your personal recipe, Vane? Merlin help those of you stupid enough to visit Qualitea Quali-Love-Potion-In-Your-Tea on Valentine's Day. Who gives their shop such an asinine name?

Warded to Millicent Bulstrode and Theodore Nott
Theodore wants to know whether you're fucking anyone.

When, precisely, did the Wizarding Wireless Network become the 'We Will Prattle Endlessly On About Quidditch' Network? Perhaps some mention of the outside world or the weather would be welcome to some listeners.

Warded Private to J. Dorny
I have yet to hear from you regarding the outcome of our conversation. Shall I contact my solicitor or will you be punishing speaking with Potter about this egregious matter?

Warded Private to Self
- Devise new organisational system for Eye of Newt.
- Forbid discussion of International Quidditch Championships in potions classroom. And Slytherin Common Room.
- Investigate St. Valentine's Day.
- Re-stock potions storeroom.

Warded to Self
- Arrange December leave. Approved.
- Identify a substitute instructor. Isabel? Millicent?
- Lodge complaint with Dorny regarding Potter's continued presence.
- Purchase blood lollies and peppermint toads.
- Speak with Slytherin Quidditch team regarding pitch use for practices. Appropriately scheduled; Gryffindor's fault. Shocking.
- Verify final wedding fitting.

End Ward

Warded to Theodore Nott
Minerva approved my vacation request. I'm through after December 13 until the second term begins on January 6. Where is Urquhart sending us?

End Ward

I see Hogsmeade Village's decided lack of standard applies, too, to its Christmas decor. Who in Merlin's name permitted whichever undoubtedly crass Gryffindor to cast lighting charms over every exterior surface of his flat? And to do so with poor musical selections as accompaniment?

Charming decision, Dorny.

That is a Snitch, for those of you too frightened or too weak to finish a match you knowingly began. And that means you lose, Potter, and I win.

Have you all lost your minuscule minds? Why is a professional Quidditch player walking around the village without any clothes on?

Warded to Millicent and Theodore.

We need the following items by midnight:

- An unregistered wand. Or the wand of Finch-Fletchley that irritatingly persistent Hufflepuff.
- A plot of untraversed land.
- A bottle of Blishen's Firewhiskey.
- An alibi.

When my Fa-- When Mother hears about-- That match was years ago. Only one of the pair of us lost his Quidditch career in the end, didn't he? Five years, and it still hasn't--

How enterprising of The Daily Prophet to surpass even its own standard for utter drivel in today's paper.

As an unwilling invested resident of Hogsmeade Village, I do hereby call for a public examination of its residential composition, as well as a discussion of Julian Dorny's fitness for office. See if you ignore ninety-three complaints again. A rebuilding effort calls for the consideration of all occupants and an equal division of resources. There is nothing equitable about the insidious invasion of one stupid House.

Corner-- the least you can do is try to rival me on the pitch. That wasn't even worth my effort.

Warded to the Shirts.
You can thank me for your Quidditch victories with chocolate and the blood of Hufflepuffs.

I quit.

'We'll weekend in Prague,' he said. 'I'll book a hotel in Prague,' he said. 'I'll arrange our international Floo to Prague,' he said.

Then tell me, Nott, how we ended up in Moldova.

The degree to which Gryffindor students demonstrate a complete lack of intelligence and respect grows with each Year. It is obvious that this pathetic lot will survive the school term on luck alone. If I don't hex them to Hades myself.

Warded to the Slytherins.
Not one of you thought it prudent to stop me when I accepted this Merlin-forsaken position two years ago?

You may apologise with chocolate and liquor.

Dobbs, your weekly birth control potions for September are ready.

Warded to Self.
- Discuss the disproportionate number of Gryffindors on staff with Minerva. Revisit discussion. With statistics. Suggest firing Wood in the interests of equality.
- Reformulate hair colour potion. Soften yellow hue and heighten silver.
- Schedule Death's wellness appointment with the animal Healer.

Warded to Millicent and Theodore.
I'm dying. I willingly agreed to spend my Friday with one of Potter's stupid Housemates. If you do not avenge my obvious poisoning, I will make your lives miserable from beyond the grave.

[Warded to Millicent, Theodore, and Draco]

I thought friendship meant something in this House. Like family, we said. Always there for each other. You are the three people I've been closest since we were children.

I've never been so disappointed.

I do not owe The Daily Prophet or the likes of you an explanation of the events surrounding Father's death. I suggest you all fuck off before I acquaint you with the tip of my wand. And if you are stupid enough to believe he was trying to resurrect the Dark Lord or the Death Eaters, then you are idiotic enough to deserve what you fear he would have done.

Father is dead. Every last Mudblood and Muggle-lover is responsible for this, and when F-- I'll-- none of you will think your government is corrupt now, will you?