Daily Deviant
- there is no such thing as 'too kinky'
Kinky Kristmas Fic: Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place (Severus/Sirius) 
6th December 2010 12:00
Kristmas Wish Fulfilled for: [info]venturous
From: [info]r_grayjoy

Title: Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Characters/Pairings: Severus/Sirius
Rating: NC-17
Kinks/Themes Included: "trapped together, desperate virgin" sex
Other Warnings/Content: frotting, handjobs, blowjobs, snark, bickering, and perhaps a flipped cliché
Word Count: 3,600
Summary/Description: A structural collapse, a confession, and a lot of boredom result in something most unexpected.
Author's Notes: Dear Prompter #63, your wish included so many great pairings and kinks that I had an incredibly hard time choosing between them! I hope you enjoy the final result. My thanks to L. for the fantastic beta, as usual.

"That's not going to work."

"Well, at least I'm trying something!" Sirius said, spinning away from the stone barrier at which he'd been pounding.

"What are you going to do? Bully the rocks into moving out of the way?" Snape asked. "No one's going to hear you screeching like a sick clabbert, Black. They don't even know where we are."

"I wasn't screeching." As much as Sirius hated to admit it, even to himself, Snape was right about the rest. Deflating a bit, he moved away from the rubble. "This is all your fault," he muttered.

"My fault? You're the imbecile who cast the Blasting Curse!"

"So? You're the one who used a Shield Charm and made it rebound into the ceiling!"

"Oh, well, pardon me for doing what I thought was necessary to keep you from killing me."

"Stop being such a dramatic git," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "I wasn't going to kill you." Under his breath he added, "Might now, though."

In fact, the two of them killing each other before they got out of their present predicament was a very distinct possibility, Sirius thought. They'd have to do it with their bare hands, however, given the state of their wands.

James had been off attempting to woo Evans, and Remus and Peter had insisted upon revising, the dull prats. Left to his own devices, Sirius had opened up the Marauders Map in the hopes of finding something with which to amuse himself. When he'd spotted the dot marked "Severus Snape" hanging about a remote part of the castle, he'd thought he'd have some fun with ol' Snivellus.

That had gone well enough until Snape had managed to make the ceiling collapse, effectively trapping them in a tiny, dead-end corridor. When the dust had cleared, they'd found Sirius' wand snapped in half. As for Snape's, it was nowhere to be seen at all and was presumably buried under a tonne of rubble. Sirius had managed to get a faint Lumos out of his, but that seemed to be the extent of its usefulness.

Well, there was nothing else to be done for the moment, then. Crossing his arms, Sirius leaned back against the wall and slid down it until his bum hit the floor.

"What are you doing?" Snape asked.

"Sitting," Sirius replied. "If you want to stand until someone figures out where we are and comes to our rescue, be my guest."

Snape glowered at Sirius briefly, then turned on his heel, stomped over to the opposite wall, and seated himself as far from Sirius as their limited space allowed.

* * * * *

"The staff of a wizard with honour is crowned," Sirius sang to himself. He was bored. Bored, bored, bored. When Sirius couldn't hex him, Snape was bloody boring. Being trapped in a tiny corridor was boring. "Without it a wizard will rarely be found. 'Tis big and it's round and weighs three to a pound--"

"Black, you couldn't carry a tune in a lead-bottom cauldron with a Locomotor spell. For Salazar's sake, put a sock in it."

Interesting. Perhaps Sirius had found a way to pass the time after all. "A wizard's staff has a knob on the end!"

* * * * *

"Lumos. Nox. Lumos. Nox. Lumos. Nox."


"Lumos. Nox."

BANG! A burst of sickly, green sparks shot out of the end of Sirius' broken wand.

"Lumos. Nox. Lumos."

"Black!" Snape bit out between clenched teeth. "Stop. That. At. Once."

Sirius smirked. "Make me."

Honestly, Sirius hadn't expected Snape to do anything except perhaps scowl harder. It came as a complete shock when Snape launched himself from his spot against the wall and flew straight at him. Sirius put up his arms to block, but that allowed Snape to get a grip on Sirius' wand. Try as he might to shake him off, Snape held tight.

The next thing Sirius knew, they were tumbling around a clear spot on the floor in a struggle for control of the wand. Random sparks in various colors spewed from it as they wrestled, singeing Sirius' hair. Sirius was bigger and stronger, and he should have had the upper hand, but Snape was surprisingly wiry and slippery. And the bastard had sharp elbows. When Sirius received a particularly rough jab in the ribs, the jolt caused him to loosen his grip.

In possession of the wand, Snape scrambled back to his side of the hallway. He held his prize close to his body and gave Sirius a glare that promised several more pointy parts in uncomfortable places if Sirius attempted to get it back right away. Trying not to hold his sore ribs, Sirius returned to his previous spot and refused to sulk.

* * * * *

"How long do you think it's been?"

"How should I know?" Snape said. "It didn't occur to me to bring a watch -- or a pickaxe -- in case of cave-ins inside the school."

"You don't have to be a twat about it," Sirius snapped back. "I only asked how long you thought it might have been."

After a pause, Snape said, "I don't know. Three or four hours at least."

"Yeah, we've definitely missed dinner."


"Wish I had a nice roast. With potatoes. And a pile of chocolate frogs."

"Don't make it worse. Arse."

* * * * *


It was the first time Snape had been the one to break the silence, and Sirius thought he sounded a bit hesitant. "Yeah?"

"They really don't know where we are, do they?"

Shrugging, Sirius said, "If they did, they'd have come to get us by now."

"What about your friends?" Snape sounded like he just couldn't help sneering the word. "I thought they always knew where you were."

"Not this time." The others had no way of finding him, either, since Sirius was the one in possession of the Map. "Someone has to realize we're missing and come looking for us pretty soon, though." He only hoped it was before they ran out of good air or died of thirst.

* * * * *

"I don't want to die a virgin."

Sirius hadn't intended to say the words at all, but they'd somehow slipped out anyway, albeit softly.

"What did you say?" Snape asked. "I could swear I just heard--"

"Yes," Sirius cut in sharply. "I said I don't want to die a virgin."

Snape gave a rude snort. "Black, you seriously do not expect me to believe that you've never…"

"Why else would I say it?" Sirius felt his cheeks flame and was glad Snape couldn't see him blush in the dim light.

"But you. Really? You're so…"

"Handsome? Brilliant? Sexy? I know." Sirius straightened and preened.

"That's not what I was going to say."

"Sure it wasn't," Sirius said, deliberately using a tone that suggested he didn't believe Snape in the least.


Instead of considering the literal truth in Snape's statement, Sirius said, "Oh, come on. You've got to feel the same way, right? I mean, you can't like the idea of dying a virgin any more than I do."

To Sirius' surprise, Snape looked smug. "What makes you think I would be?"

It was Sirius' turn to make a rude noise. "Oh, pull the other one, Snape. There's no way you've had it off with anyone." When Snape didn't respond, Sirius said, "You're too--"

"Don't you dare say it, Black," Snape hissed. "Just don't you dare."

* * * * *

"Hey, Snape."


"So, I was thinking."

"That'd be a first."

"Ha bloody ha." Sirius gave Snape two fingers. "I mean I was contemplating what we were talking about a little while ago." In truth, he hadn't been able to think about anything else since the subject of virginity and the good riddance thereof had come up.


"Aaaand," Sirius said, "I was thinking, since we're stuck in here for who knows how long with nothing better to do, maybe we could fix that pesky virginity problem of mine."

Sirius couldn't believe he was suggesting it, least of all to Severus Snape. Snivellus, for fuck's sake! It was so very, very wrong. And yet the idea had been making Sirius' pants uncomfortably snug for the better part of the last hour at least. It was simply that Sirius couldn't stop remembering how slender and lithe Snape's body had felt when they'd wrestled for the wand earlier, how strong his grip had been. How focused he'd been. Sirius wondered if Snape tackled every situation with the same sort of intense determination.

For several moments, Snape could only seem to blink at Sirius in disbelief. At last he said, "Either this is the worst prank you've ever tried to pull, or you've gone completely 'round the twist." He blinked once more. "No, I take that back. You've gone 'round the twist either way."

"Maybe." Sirius shrugged. He really couldn't argue the point. "But it was a serious proposal. No joke."

After another silence, Snape asked, "Why?"

A small smile lifted one corner of Sirius' mouth. "Think of yourself as a challenge, Snape. You know how a Gryffindor can never back down from a challenge."

"For that reason alone I should refuse you."

Sirius' smile broadened. "That sounds like you're considering it."

"I absolutely am not!" Snape insisted. Something in his voice, though, wasn't convincing.

Moving onto his hands and knees, Sirius prowled towards Snape. "You are."

Without taking his eyes from Sirius, Snape tried to shrink back into the wall. Still Sirius approached him until they were close enough to touch. He held Snape's gaze and said, "C'mon, Snape. It's not like I could tell anyone. Thank about it. What've you got to lose?"

Although he clearly tried, Snape couldn't seem to come up with an answer. "If we… How do you suggest we do this?"

Now that Snape had all but agreed, Sirius was less sure of himself. "Well, uh. Seems like kissing would be the obvious place to start."

"Sounds reasonable."

Two thoughts came to Sirius at once. One was that he couldn't believe he was actually about to go through with this. The other was that there was something alluring about the curve of Snape's bottom lip. Sirius' eyes remained fixed on that lip as he moved in closer. At the last moment he closed his eyes. A fraction of a second later, their noses knocked together, and Sirius missed his target entirely.

"Fuck," Snape muttered.

"'S'all right," Sirius insisted, then he tilted his head a bit to the right and tried again. This time he hit his mark. Snape's lips felt surprisingly good, sort of soft and hard at the same time. The tentative touch wasn't going to get them anywhere, though, so Sirius pushed forward to deepen the kiss. That was when Snape's head smacked into the stone wall behind him.

"Fucking hell, Black!" Snape shoved Sirius back and scrambled to stand.

Getting up swiftly as well, Sirius said, "It's not like I did it on purpose!"

"Oh, so you're an oaf as well as a prat. I knew this was a terrible idea."

"Yeah, and you're just a regular Casanova. Tosser," Sirius said, then gave Snape a return shove.

Snarling, Snape flew at Sirius and pushed him hard enough to knock him back a couple of steps.

Sirius didn't know exactly how it happened. One second he was standing there, glaring at Snape with his hands balled into fists, and the next he was pinning Snape to the wall, pressing their bodies together, wedging his tongue between Snape's teeth. Snape didn't resist at all. He grabbed Sirius by the robes and pulled him closer and gave every bit as good as he got. It was all teeth and claws and spite and hunger, and it made Sirius' head spin and his pulse race.

With a growl, Sirius shoved his leg between Snape's thighs. Snape's hips jerked forward, and Sirius discovered that Snape was just as hard as he was. Something about that drove Sirius even more wild. Tearing his mouth away from the kiss, he bent lower to bite at Snape's neck and slid his hands down to grab Snape's arse. Snape gave a sharp shout and then they were bucking against each other, fast and frantic.

Although he could likely come from this alone, it wasn't what Sirius wanted. Forcing his hips to still, he said, "Doesn't count if there's clothes on," and began pulling at the buttons of Snape's robes.

For one brief instant Snape seemed to hesitate, then he tore at Sirius' buttons in turn. They bumped and fumbled, but they got each other's robes open in record time. Sirius' eyes went directly to the erection tenting Snape's pants, and his hand immediately followed. He palmed Snape's cock through the fabric and circled his thumb over the tip, feeling the damp spot that had formed there. A little shudder ran through Snape, he melted against the wall for a moment, and then he reached for Sirius.

In the contest to determine who could get to whose cock the quickest, the result was a draw. Sirius wrapped his fingers around Snape's shaft just as Snape took hold of his, and Sirius couldn't be certain which of them was responsible for the long, loud groan that followed. It took a few experimental tugs -- and perhaps a couple of winces -- to adjust their grips properly, but they soon found a groove and fell into step. Sirius leaned his forehead on Snape's shoulder and watched Snape's cock slipping through his fist as Snape made tiny gasping sounds against Sirius' neck.

When Sirius stilled his hand mid-stroke, Snape made a disgruntled noise and thrust his hips forward. "What the fuck, Black?"

"Hands don't count either," Sirius said. "I can do this much to myself." Truthfully, having Snape touch him was absolutely nothing like touching himself, it was bloody incredible in fact, but he wanted to milk his current opportunity for all it was worth.

"Well, we can't--" Snape released his grip on Sirius and waved his hand emphatically. "We don't have any lube. Unless you carry an emergency supply?" He arched an eyebrow.

"I won't even ask what you're implying, and no, I don't have any. But there are other things we could do…" Snape continued to give him the eyebrow, so Sirius suggested, "Mouths, maybe?"

"And I suppose you expect me to be the first one down on his knees. You'd love to see me kneeling before you, wouldn't you?"

Rolling his eyes, Sirius said, "It's not like that, and you know it. And I'll see to it that you get yours. Anyway, last I checked, it was my inexperience that was the issue. Unless you want to confess something?"

Snape gave Sirius a penetrating look, then his eyes flashed, and before Sirius knew what was happening, Snape had flipped them around and shoved Sirius up against the wall. Dropping to his knees, Snape yanked Sirius' pants down to the floor. Then he seemed to consider Sirius' erection for two beats before he licked a long stripe from root to tip.

Sirius' knees damn near buckled, and his hands scrabbled at the wall for purchase. He'd barely regained his balance when Snape did it again, and again. Sirius was wholly unprepared for the flood of sensation when Snape took him into his mouth, and he dropped his head back and cried out to the ceiling. Snape's bobbing and stroking seemed a bit clumsy, but Sirius couldn't care less. He just buried his fingers in Snape's unkempt hair and tried not to buck forward too enthusiastically.

Climax hit Sirius so fast that he didn't even realize it was happening until it was too late to issue a warning. The tension in his muscles snapped, his bollocks hitched up, and he spurted hard into Snape's mouth. Snape made a grunt of surprise, but he maintained his hold and swallowed Sirius down. Apparently it became too much, though, and he pulled back just in time for a ropey strand of Sirius' semen to catch him across the lips and chin.

Snape's cheeks flared scarlet, with anger or humiliation or some combination of the two Sirius didn't know. Sirius was dead. Snape was going to kill him. That was all there was to it. But, oh god, what a way to go. The sight of Snape with Sirius' come dripping from his chin was, hands down, the most erotic thing Sirius had ever seen, and it made his blood heat anew.

"Oh," Sirius breathed. "Oh fuck. That is. So. Hot." Snape's eyes flew open wide as Sirius hauled him up and mashed their mouths together once more. He tasted himself on Snape's lips, licked the mess from Snape's chin.

Burying his face in Sirius' neck, Snape began to rut against him furiously. Sirius pulled Snape even more tightly to him and murmured, "Yeah, that's it, come on." Snape moaned something against the crook of Sirius' neck, but Sirius couldn't make out the words. Then his body went rigid, his cock gave a great twitch, and he spilled himself in hot pulses, his mouth pressed to Sirius' shoulder to muffle his shout.

When Snape stopped trembling he tried to move away, but Sirius snaked his arm around his waist and held him fast. Surprisingly, Snape didn't struggle, but merely slumped against Sirius and allowed Sirius to support him. With Snape half undressed and leaning into him, Sirius realized then how thin and small he actually was. He wondered how he'd never noticed it before.

"You're a bloody liar," Snape said.

Releasing Snape and allowing him to step back, Sirius said, "How's that?"

"So much for returning the favor." Snape said, though he didn't appear truly put out.

"I never said anything about returning the favor. I said I'd make sure you got yours. Which you did. But," Sirius said, waggling his eyebrows, "if you think you've been cheated, I don't mind another go."

Sirius never found out how Snape would have answered. They were interrupted by a voice coming from behind the stone blockade. "Sirius! Sirius, you in there?"

"James!" Sirius shouted back. "Yeah, in here, mate!"

"All right! Stand back! We have a way to get you out, but it'll take just a minute or two."

Both Sirius and Snape raced to clean themselves up and readjust their clothing, a process that was made more difficult by their lack of wands. Once they were nearly presentable, Sirius asked, "Hey, Snape. When you said you'd done this before… You were taking the piss, right?"

To Sirius' dismay, Snape smirked. "I guess you'll never know," he said, fastening his last button.

A bright light shone through the rubble, and the stone began to melt away. When a more or less wizard-sized hole had been cleared, James ducked inside. "All right, Sirius?"

Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius saw Snape trying to disappear into the shadows. "Yeah, fine. No damage to mar my good looks."

James gave an amused snort and said, "Would have been here sooner, but some twat took the only way we had to locate him. Thankfully Remus here came up with a spell to help us find you."

"All it took was some creative modifications on a standard Point Me charm and a bit of your hair," Remus said, climbing in after James. "It was lucky that you hadn't cleaned out your hairbrush in a month. For once your slovenly ways proved beneficial."

"Being slovenly always pays off," Sirius said, throwing his arms over James and Remus' shoulders. "Anyway, however you did it, thanks."

Peter peered inside then, and glanced around the area. His gaze flitted over his Housemates and landed on Snape. "What's he doing in here?" Peter asked, distaste clear in his tone.

James and Remus turned their heads just as Snape said, "Waiting for a bunch of Gryffindor pillocks to get their wands out of their arses, apparently."

"You were trapped in here with Snivellus?" James looked at Sirius. "If we'd known that, we'd have got you out faster. And then maybe made the corridor collapse the rest of the way after."

"I was trapped in here with him, more like," Snape muttered. "And at least caving in the tunnel would have put me out of my misery."

Sneering, James said, "Yeah, right. It's probably your fault you were trapped. Did you reckon it was the only way you could get someone to put up with you for more than two minutes at a time? Or did the ceiling just get a good look at your face and faint?"

"Nah, it wasn't his fault," Sirius said. He didn't know who looked more astonished at his words: his mates or Snape. Before anyone could snipe further, Sirius steered James and Remus to the way out. "What time is it, anyway? I'm starving! Can we nick something from the kitchens? And I want a chair! An actual chair with cushions and pillows and things sounds brilliant. I haven't been able to feel my arse in hours."

Sirius' diversion tactic seemed to work. His friends ducked through the hole and into the passageway beyond without another word to Snape. Sirius was about to step through as well when he paused to look back over his shoulder.

Snape was watching Sirius, his expression wary and uncertain. Somehow, Sirius didn't think he should leave Snape there without saying something after everything that had happened. Besides, getting the last word was always a plus. A mischievous grin crept across his face. "See you around, Snape," he said, then shot Snape a wink. Snape's stunned reaction had Sirius laughing as he followed his friends out of the tunnel.
6th December 2010 17:22
Oh gods, this is WONDERFUL. Did I mention wonderful?


Did I also mention very very very hot?

And wonderful?

Oh, you made me fall in love with my original OTP all over again. Thank you!
6th December 2010 17:27
That was hot. Love their banter. Perfect scenario and I do love Sirius taking the blame at the end. A great parting gesture. Great job.
6th December 2010 17:27
Oh my, Mystery Author, that was fantastic! What a nice way to start the afternoon!
6th December 2010 17:30
oh, very well done, mystery author. I like the way they fought and eventually found entertainment.
6th December 2010 17:45
OMG, I love this so much. How IC is it that Sirius tried to be all romantic for about .25 seconds and then it was all "rwarrr, fight fight fight, frot!" Sirius annoying the snot out of Snape was so hilariously awesome, and the smut itself was just to-die-for hot. I love this fic!!
6th December 2010 18:19
squeee!!!! fic for me! I cant wait to read this. darn those pesky clients, I cant stop and do it now.

mmm, SNACK!
6th December 2010 19:23
Trapped by a cave-in in a small space would be a quick way to break through the ill will. Poor Snape did get cheated though.

Very nice and very hot!
6th December 2010 19:36
So IC and yet not hate!sex!!! yay! Sirius is hands down a prat of the first order, but you make the appeal clear to me. Well done- I never thought I'd be fond of ole Sirius Black. (Please don't be hatin' on me - I know I'm the only person who doesn't like the wanker - but you made him a bit irresistible).
6th December 2010 20:06
"Oh, well, pardon me for doing what I thought was necessary to keep you from killing me."

Yes, how dare Severus? *eyebrow*

"Black, you couldn't carry a tune in a lead-bottom cauldron with a Locomotor spell.


"Lumos. Nox. Lumos. Nox. Lumos. Nox."


"Lumos. Nox."


Wandsturbation? Bit of the ol' Lumos-Nox?

"But you. Really? You're so…"

"Handsome? Brilliant? Sexy? I know." Sirius straightened and preened.

Haha, that's Sirius all right. :)

Sirius leaned his forehead on Snape's shoulder and watched Snape's cock slipping through his fist as Snape made tiny gasping sounds against Sirius' neck.

Nnngh. Tasty image.

Or did the ceiling just get a good look at your face and faint?"

Bloody OW. Good line though.
6th December 2010 23:56
Eee! This was very, very enjoyable. :D And it was one of my favourite scenarios - trapped together somewhere. I loved the banter and there were so many hilarious lines and the awkward frantic sex was hot. Yay!
7th December 2010 02:00
What a fun read. Well-written, and the banter is snappy and totally IC, and of course the boys are snarky hot.

Good lines:

"What are you going to do? Bully the rocks into moving out of the way?"

"How long do you think it's been?"
"How should I know?" Snape said. "It didn't occur to me to bring a watch -- or a pickaxe -- in case of cave-ins inside the school."

Snape was surprisingly wiry and slippery. And the bastard had sharp elbows
The essence of Severus.

I like that Snape is able to keep Sirius guessing.
7th December 2010 04:12
perfect Snack! wonderful bicker and snark to heat things up,and what better solution to any problem for horny teen wizards? :D
"Oh," Sirius breathed. "Oh fuck. That is. So. Hot." Snape's eyes flew open wide as Sirius hauled him up and mashed their mouths together ... I adore this smokin' hot kiss, guh!
and I really like how almost tender Sirius is with Severus at the end. I bet there will be a next time!

thank you, mystery writer!
7th December 2010 05:11
So hot and boyish! *claps*
8th December 2010 02:31
Fantastic characterizations and a very interesting premise. Loved it!
8th December 2010 05:49
Oh, perfect!!
9th December 2010 00:43
Snack! Hotness! This was such a wonderful read.
11th December 2010 04:53
Damn, but that song is addictive!
And that fic was smokin', scorching and bloody incandescent with the smexin'!
Plus, I do have this incredibe soft gooey spot for this pairing--thanks so much for sharing:>
13th December 2010 20:13
Oh I love this! The banter was fantastic, really funny and snarky, and the smut was just guuuuuh so hot. I definitely think Severus should take Sirius up on that offer of another go!
17th December 2010 12:40
This, I like! Thank you so much, Santa!

love, lore
18th December 2010 23:13
Oh my good lord! afj;aslfjas;l

This was delicious in its push, shove and snark! I love me a well told Snack and this just totally hit the spot! Thank you!!
19th December 2010 16:35 - Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place (Severus/Sirius)
Brilliantly HOT! Great stumbling first time sex. Love the snarkiness.

For once your slovenly ways proved beneficial."

LMAO - perfect,Remus!

I would love to see their next...seeing you around.

Love this.
20th December 2010 02:23
Oh, this warmed the snow right off the roof!

The characterizations were much better than canon, less virulent. I loved the idea that Sirius would actually be the one asking not to die a virgin, and Severus' ambiguous answer. There's a wealth of potential with this.

Thank you so much for allowing us to enjoy the fruits of your labors, and those of Sirius' and Severus' loins. *snicker*
30th December 2010 10:21
Fun and hot and so very well written. The flow of this was noticeably good.

"It was all teeth and claws and spite and hunger, and it made Sirius' head spin and his pulse race."

Oh, yes. That's Snape, all right. <3
2nd January 2011 22:20
UNF UNF UNF. This was wonderful! Agh, I fail for having it bookmarked for so long without reading, because it wins all the things and I should have read it weeks ago! Love their banter SO MUCH. Especially Sirius. AHAHAH so awesome. "Stop being such a dramatic git," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "I wasn't going to kill you." Under his breath he added, "Might now, though." *dying* So, so hot and awesome and AW, Sirius defends him at the end! Kind of! *smishes the boys*

I'd nearly forgotten how much I love this pairing. ♥ !
10th January 2011 00:20


I like that it was Sirius being all whiney virgin, not Snape. And can I pretend Snape's not a virgin? Cause that ups the 'i fucking rule' vibe I liked so much here.
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