*

It’s the memory of them that keeps him going when he’s in the darkness, living off rats and lukewarm porridge.

Those kisses used to make his head spin and his body flush with heat. The first kiss was the start of many: tongue-heavy, delicious and each one filthier than the last. Sirius spends endless nights losing himself in the memory of Moony’s cheeks rough with stubble and the slow tease of his tongue licking slowly into Sirius’ mouth followed by gruff, heart-stopping sounds.

When Azkaban is a far-away place that keeps Sirius from sleeping at night, he tells Remus about the kisses and how they kept him sane. “You saved me.” He says it when they’re drinking brandy and full from a hearty home-cooked meal. “When I didn’t the nights were going to end, you saved me.”

“I didn’t do anything. Not as much as I would have, if I’d known.” Remus is contrite – older now but still so familiar it makes Sirius’ chest tight. He’s been sent to Lupin’s on Dumbledore’s instructions and they catch up on the past over bottles of wine and discussions late into the night, by a roaring fire and hidden away from the rest of the world. Remus can’t sleep either. They both have horrors lurking in the darkest recesses of their minds which make their stomachs churn when the lights go out.

“I’d have done more,” Remus repeats.

The memory of you was enough, Sirius thinks. Even when he doesn’t say a word, his gaze lingers and he’s sure his expression speaks volumes as he watches the way Remus’ lips curve into a slow smile. Remus seems to know exactly what Sirius is thinking about even when, after all of this time, Sirius still can’t say the words.

“Sirius.” It’s gruff and husky, rough with desire and the barest hint of a question.

“Remus?” Sirius lets himself smile as he used to before it all – wide and star-like in the hope that even after years in Azkaban he can still make Moony’s heart stop with the right kind of look.

“You’re drunk.” Remus sounds quiet, uncertain. His voice is still low and broken as he huffs out a this way madness lies sort of breath. “We both are.”

“Are we?” Sirius shifts closer to Remus because really there’s too much space between them. There’s never been space dividing them. Even before the kissing they would always be touching or hugging or something which kept them physically connected. Joined at the hip, James used to say. Sirius can almost hear his voice and laugh in the quiet room. “Takes more than a glass or two of brandy these days.”

“I’ll bet.” Remus shifts and his lips are damp and warm on the curve of Sirius’ throat. His voice muffles as his teeth graze over Sirius’ skin. It warms the air around them until Sirius can’t stand the hesitant brush of lips for a moment longer.

“Besides, I always felt drunk around you.” Sirius doesn’t mean to say it out loud but then Remus huffs with laughter, hot against his neck. The exhale of breath makes Sirius shiver and he tugs Remus closer until he’s smiling too. “You know what I mean.”

“Maybe.” Remus knows, of course. He might not be saying he does, but Sirius can tell by the way Remus hauls Sirius close to his chest that he feels it too. “Never thought we’d have a second chance.”

“Never thought we’d need one.” Sirius’ voice falters and words really are too much. They’re too large and difficult. Too likely to bring up memories he doesn’t want to recall when Remus is firm and solid flesh and bone beneath his fingers. There’s the light scent of chocolate and musky cologne, soap clean skin and the lingering scent of wood burning in the fire. Sirius stops any other conversation by kissing Remus as he’s imagined he might, so many times before.

Their lips seek one another and their mouths open as a rush of breath leaves Sirius’ parted lips. Moony tastes like brandy and the past, his lips firm and sure and his hands gripping onto Sirius as if he never wants to let go.

Kissing is different now they know that people die.

Kissing is different after the horrors of Azkaban and a hundred lonely nights beneath the watery light of the full moon.

Kissing isn’t just kissing anymore, or perhaps it never was.

Sirius pushes his hands into Remus’ hair and draws him closer. It’s just enough. Enough pressure. Enough promise. Enough suggestion that maybe this time the kissing won’t be enough for either of them.

They kiss until the fire flames away to embers, until the brandy glasses sit empty and unwanted and their clothes fall from their bodies in a rush of eager hands, lips and tongues.

When he looks into Remus’ eyes again, Sirius can almost see the shadows of Hogwarts and the lights from the past reflected in his eyes. He wonders what Remus sees when he looks at Sirius.

“I never stopped loving you,” Remus says in a whisper and it tells Sirius everything he needs to know.

Remus can see his heart. Bare and open, beating just for Remus and their stolen moments by the fire, fuelled by the memories of two boys kissing under a starlit sky.

Oh goodness. Just oh goodness. This is lovely.

Thank you! So pleased you enjoyed it <3

Oh. My. God. This is absolutely fantastic. I loved every word of this. God, the emotions and the intensity. It's beautiful. The end...my heart. I need to read this again and leave a better comment, but thank you so much. This is just how I love them in this time period!!!!

Hooray! I'm so, so pleased you liked it. I loved writing it, in fact I could just write all the kissing all the time. I jumped on the prompt when I saw it. I apologise it wasn't a bit more NC-17 but given the prompt and the mood it just felt right to keep it pretty suggestive as opposed to long, explicit scenes. I'm so happy you liked it - thank you for your lovely comment <3

Back again to say that I am reccing this at my journal now, and so I had to read it again. :) omg, again. This is so, so beautiful. All the kissing is so gorgeous. You put sexy, romantic, bittersweet, hopeful, wistful, sad, joyful, all in those kisses. This really is the best of what I love about R/S. Thank you so much.

This is gorgeous. ♥