Daily Deviant
- there is no such thing as 'too kinky'
FIC: "Talk Dirt to Me" (Wilhelmina G-P/Pomona Sprout) 
15th June 2012 09:51
Title: Talk Dirt to Me
Author: [info]kelly_chambliss
Pairing: Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank/Pomona Sprout
Rating: R
Kinks/Themes Chosen: dirty talk (of sorts)
Other Warnings: none
Word Count: 1875
Summary/Description: When Pomona comes home to her lover Wilhelmina, they read some dirt before dinner. Set during Chamber of Secrets.
Author's Notes: My thanks to my partner for the quick beta and to Wilhelmina and Pomona for being so cooperative.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"And then he tried to tell me it was unicorn dung that had been harvested in the wild!" Pomona's voice rose to an indignant squawk as she paced about the kitchen, a frown creasing her rosy, dirt-streaked face. "When anyone could see that it had come from grain-fed animals. Look at it!" Unmindful of the stew simmering on the stove, she thrust a small container of manure under Wilhelmina's nose.

Charming a lid to cover the stewpot, Wilhelmina stepped away from the range and looked. Sure enough, the dung was more uniform in colour than it would have been had it come from animals living in the wild. "Grain-fed, definitely," Wilhelmina agreed. "Barnstable's UniCorn Chow, if I'm not mistaken."

Pomona's customary smile momentarily broke through her scowl, and she gave Wilhelmina a quick peck on the cheek, leaving a smear of potting soil behind. "When are you ever mistaken about anything to do with magical creatures?" she asked. "And that's just what I said to that pesky salesman. I said, 'It's totally the wrong colour for wild dung, and it's essential that I have the real thing. Those children's lives depend on the mandrakes having proper magical fertiliser, so if you think for one minute that you're going to pawn off domesticated manure on me, Ogbert Nolan, you have another think coming!'"

As she spoke, she energetically brushed at the dirt that she'd left on Wilhelmina's face. "Oh, dear, I'm afraid I've made it worse," she said finally, screwing up her own face comically. "That Super-Gro soil is as tenacious as Devil's Snare."

Wilhelmina laughed. "Well, unless you have to burn it off like Devil's Snare, it's not a problem. A little dirt never hurt anything."

"I'm glad you think so," Pomona replied, glancing ruefully at the loam-encrusted front of her robes. "Because otherwise, our relationship would have been doomed before it started."

"'Nonsense, 'twas dirt that attracted me to you in the first place," Wilhelmina said; she turned back to the stove and uncovered the kettle again. "Saw you come into the Ministry Christmas gala with Screechsnap seeds on your sleeve and a smudge of dragon dung on the tip of your nose, and I thought, there's a girl I want to meet."

"Ohhhh...." Pomona turned a fetching shade of rose under the layer of dirt and squeezed Wilhelmina's arm. "I remember that night so clearly. I'd been in such a rush because I stayed at Hogwarts until the last minute to look after the Fanged Geraniums -- you know how temperamental they are when they've first bloomed -- and I hadn't but five minutes to get ready. I thought I'd cleaned up well enough, but I've never been at my best with Scourgify charms. I could tell by the way people were looking at me that I must smell like a dungheap, and. . .well, you were very sweet when we were introduced, Will, to act like you didn't notice."

"Nothing sweet about it," Wilhelmina said as she stirred the lentils, filling the air with the scents of cumin and onion and basil. "You smelled like the outdoors; I like that."

"So it was love at first sniff?" asked Pomona, sliding her arms around Wilhelmina and resting her chin on the broad shoulder.

"Something like that," Wilhelmina said gruffly, embarrassed, as always, when the talk turned mushy. "So what happened with Ogbert?"

"Oh, eventually he apologised and claimed his elf must have packed the domestic fertilizer by mistake. He swore he'll owl me the proper package by tomorrow. Honestly, that man! I'd stop trading with him in an instant if he didn't have such a reliable supply of rare materials. Of course, I'd do business with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named himself if it meant helping those poor, petrified children any sooner."

"And Mrs Norris."

"And Mrs Norris, certainly. Never fear, my dear, I shan't forget the moggy." Pomona planted a kiss behind Wilhelmina's ear. "And how was your day? How is the thestral foal? You've been looking after her, I gather?"

It was a reasonable deduction, Will thought. Just as Pomona always wore the fresh dirt of her greenhouse, Wilhelmina knew her own clothes and skin were marked by the sharp, clean scent of the animals she tended.

"The foal is improving," she said. "Yes, I was in the stable with her most of the day, as you can probably smell."

Pomona breathed deeply. "You smell like your animals and your stable and you. Which is a good thing." She raised herself on her toes to kiss her way further down Wilhelmina's neck, and Will felt a flare of heat that had nothing to do with the stove.

"But that isn't how I knew you'd been in the stable," Pomona went on. "See here."

She lifted a stray bit of straw off Will's robe and matched it to a leaf on her own. "One wouldn't have to be an Auror to figure out where you and I spend our time."

Will replaced the lid on her pot, cut the flame on the stove, and covered the stew with a stasis charm; if she had her way, dinner was going to be a while.

"So our dirt is like a book, is it?" she asked, pulling Pomona close and burying her nose in the soft, flyaway grey hair. "Shall we put that idea to the test?"

"What do you mean?" Pomona tilted her head back to look up into Will's face, and Will couldn't resist dropping a kiss onto her soil-smudged nose.

"I mean that I'm going to read your dirt. Starting with your face. See here," she said, echoing Pomona's earlier words as she traced a line of soil on her right cheekbone. "Dark and gritty, which tells me that you probably were repotting the umbrella flowers. And here -- " she kissed the sparkling reddish dust that marked the other cheek -- "is the flower pollen to prove it."

Pomona's eyes twinkled. "You're right, Detective Grubbly-Plank. What else?"

Wilhelmina stepped back to look at her critically. "This," she said, drawing her fingers lightly through the loamy patch on Pomona's bosom, "suggests a bit of a tussle with some Devil's Snare. Those vines know good tits when they see them."

"Right again, Auror G-P," Pomona said, chuckling. "Well, about the tussle, anyway."

"And about the tits," said Will firmly. "Let me demonstrate."

With a quick twist of her wand, she opened Pomona's robes and lowered them to her elbows, exposing large, soft breasts that she cupped gently. Pomona gave a little mew of pleasure and closed her eyes. "Is this part of the interrogation, detective?" she murmured.

"Not an interrogation. A reading. It's a reading. Of dirt. And yes, that's the rule: once a soil has been identified, it has to come off. Now, let's see what's next."

Still stroking the lovely breasts, Wilhelmina knelt down and made a show of inspecting the fabric that covered Pomona's waist. "Aha!" she said, pulling off a red-and-green leaf. "Been into the flora felix, have you?"

"Mmmmm, yes." Pomona moaned as Will pushed her robes down further and kissed her bare stomach. "These are. . .stressful days at Hogwarts," she continued, her breathing growing laboured, "what with the Heir of Slytherin loose in the school, and the poor children in danger despite the staff's best efforts. So I try to keep a flora felix in every classroom, their spores are so. . .ahhhhhh. . .soothing, you know."

She started to entwine her fingers into the short tufts of Will's salt-and-pepper hair, but Wilhelmina forestalled her. "No, no. You must stay totally still while the reading is going on. Don't move a muscle."

Still moving her lips and tongue slowly across Pomona's skin, Wilhelmina slid her hands around to caress the robe-covered backside. "What's this? Do I feel dried mud?"

"Ooohh, probably. I watered the snargaluff pods today, and -- "

"And then you sat on the wet trays?"

Pomona gave a rather breathless giggle. "Of course not, but those greenhouse aisles are a bit of a tight squeeze; I must have brushed against. . ." She trailed off with an "mmmmmmm" as Wilhelmina took the hint from her words and squeezed Pomona's arse before charming her robes to drop to the floor completely.

"Remember, don't move," Will commanded, running her hands down the sturdy legs and noting with approval that Pomona's booted feet were stationed at just the perfect width apart. She found the sight quite arousing -- Pomona with all her curves and generous flesh, curls of grey hair brushing both her shoulders and thighs, naked except for her magically-suspended black stockings and her thick-soled workboots.

Will cast a quick cushioning charm for her knees and Levitated Pomona to a proper angle, still stroking her legs and blowing gently on the grey curls. Pomona shuddered but otherwise, as instructed, did not move.

"Did you know that you even have gardening soil on your knees?" Wilhelmina asked, feathering the lightest possible touches along Pomona's calves and the creases behind her knees. "It looks sandy to me. . .from bubotuber plantings, I take it?"

Pomona's response was an incoherent mumble, so Wilhelmina lightly nipped her soft inner thigh. "Sorry -- didn't catch that."

"Eek! Yes, yes, it is. They grow better in soil that has been in contact with human skin, It's an old-fashioned technique, and I know a lot of modern herbologists scoff, but I swear by it. I'd never dream of planting bubotubers without kneeling down right in the muck."

Will growled deep in her throat. "I love when you talk dirt to me."

"Haha! All right, then, what else? Well, er. . .oooh, yes. . .over the years, the dirt just gets embedded in one's skin, and I . . .oh, my, Willa, that's lovely. . ."

Wilhelmina had eased the side of her hand between Pomona's legs; she could feel her lover's thighs begin to tremble as she put her thumb to work, massaging the wet, warmth depths.

"So you get naked on your knees in the soft dirt, hmmmm?" Will pressed, using her other hand to draw lazy circles on Pomona's kneecap. She was rewarded with another moan before Pomona gasped, "Not naked, silly. I just roll down my stockings and -- "

"Get down and dirty?" finished Wilhelmina as she replaced her thumb with her tongue and held tight to Pomona's hips. A long, keening cry was her only answer, for Pomona was by then beyond speech, her legs shaking, her knees finally buckling as she came.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They sat together in a comfortable heap on the kitchen floor, Pomona's dusty robes soft underneath them. Eventually Pomona stirred and kissed Wilhelmina gently.

"I wish you'd let me -- " she began, but Will shook her head. Her pleasure came from watching Pomona's; she didn't mind a few caresses, but she wanted nothing more.

"Now, now, none of that," she said with mock-sternness, returning Pomona's kiss quickly. "It's getting late, and not even a stasis charm will preserve that stew forever.

"So why don't you go and wash up? Don't look now, but you've got snargaluff dirt on your nose."
Comments 
15th June 2012 15:43
A delightful take on the prompts - well done!
16th June 2012 13:06
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.
15th June 2012 16:31
LOL! Love how they are just so comfortable with one another. A gorgeously sexy take on the prompt. Well done!
16th June 2012 13:07
Thanks for reading! They were a fun pair to write.
15th June 2012 17:12
What a treat this story is, and what a delightful take on 'dirty talk'. I love the idea of Will/Pomona; two outdoorsy people who have so much in common.

"Saw you come into the Ministry Christmas gala with Screechsnap seeds on your sleeve and a smudge of dragon dung on the tip of your nose, and I thought, there's a girl I want to meet." Love Willa's terse speech patterns and her reasoning.

she stirred the lentils, filling the air with the scents of cumin and onion and basil a woman of many talents, then. I'd love to taste it.

I shan't forget the moggy I find this vintage Pomona, for some reason. The use of the word 'moggy', I mean.

Those vines know good tits when they see them Must be quite fun to be a Devil's Snare, then. Until they start the burning thing, that is.

She found the sight quite arousing Not the only one. Great scene.
16th June 2012 13:09
Thank you for the kind comment! I enjoyed thinking up a different twist on the topic, and I think W and P enjoyed it, too.
16th June 2012 05:05
What a delight!
I love this clever take on the prompt, and how comfortable and loving and sexy these two are together.
Beautifully done! :)
16th June 2012 13:09
Thank you! Wilhelmina and Pomona do fit well together; they were a delight to write.
16th June 2012 07:46
Oh, how I love your handling of the prompt! Love Wilhelmina and Pomona and their outdoorsy down-to-earthness (knowledgeable, too!), and hooray for the fun they have and the banter and comfortableness and being so cooperative as to let you tell their story in all its fantastic detail.

Also, I have a very soft spot for fic that interprets mandatory elements with a little creativity. In addition to being fun and drop-dead sexy, your story has a delightful non-normative element. Much applause! :)

16th June 2012 13:11
Glad you enjoyed it! I had fun twisting the prompt. And W and P really are the perfect couple.
16th June 2012 19:08
Ahaha, what a great idea! It worked perfectly. ♥
17th June 2012 23:21
Thanks! Glad you liked it. And thanks for the QR rec.
19th June 2012 12:53
What a delightful take on the prompt! Brilliant characterizations. I love their outdoorsiness and matter-of-fact-ness. Handling manure while cooking is exactly what I can imagine them doing. (Not that I would've thought of it, but it simply fits.)

Pomona with all her curves and generous flesh, curls of grey hair brushing both her shoulders and thighs, naked except for her magically-suspended black stockings and her thick-soled workboots.

Gorgeous!

20th June 2012 19:43
I'm glad you enjoyed it. "Outdoorsy and matter-of-fact" -- that's just what I was hoping for. Thank you!
22nd June 2012 05:32
I wouldn't normally think that a sweet, sexy, romantic story would start with a conversation about dung from grain-fed animals, but leave that to you! This is wonderful and my hat's off to you for the interpretation of the prompt!
17th July 2012 06:52
Haha! The romance of dung. . .I see a whole novel here.

Thanks for commenting; glad you enjoyed it.

(And sorry for being so late replying)
16th July 2012 18:20
I enjoyed this very much! I had never considered Wilhemina/Pomona before, but I agree they make absolutely the perfect match; similarities abound in their outdoorsyness, but I also love the way you have contrasted Pomona's ebullience with Wilhemina's butchness and reserve (out of pure curiosity, I was wondering whether you have a personal backstory for why Will 'didn't mind a few caresses, but she wanted nothing more'?).

Also, the tone of the fic is believable and amusing, with such a clever use of the prompt - brava!

PurpleFluffyCat x
17th July 2012 06:51
Thank you, my dear! What a great comment; it's brightened up a rainy day.

And in fact, I do have a backstory for Will -- overall, I see her as a bit of a stone butch (though I don't make that detail a part of every story). In canon, she's terse and telegraphic in her speech, so I see her as being reserved in all sorts of directions, someone who feels strongly, but in mostly interior ways.
5th October 2012 20:43
Anonymous
Dirty talk...lol...I love it
29th January 2013 23:21
"Grain-fed, definitely," Wilhelmina agreed. "Barnstable's UniCorn Chow, if I'm not mistaken."
*Snerk.* You clever little Gremlin, you.

As she spoke, she energetically brushed at the dirt that she'd left on Wilhelmina's face. "Oh, dear, I'm afraid I've made it worse," she said finally, screwing up her own face comically.
And Wilhelmina's 'never hurt' comment. Teeheehee, how much do I love them? And both of them together in a story? Like, together together? Well, that much I can't express.

(You get ten extra marks just for 'loam-encrusted', too.)

"Saw you come into the Ministry Christmas gala with Screechsnap seeds on your sleeve and a smudge of dragon dung on the tip of your nose, and I thought, there's a girl I want to meet."
Dawwwwwr I can just picture that!

"So it was love at first sniff?" asked Pomona, sliding her arms around Wilhelmina and resting her chin on the broad shoulder.
This goes down as a very happy image in my books.

Will replaced the lid on her pot, cut the flame on the stove, and covered the stew with a stasis charm; if she had her way, dinner was going to be a while.
*Grins.* Well put. And there's another useful charm I'd love to have. (Also, perfect to the 'short people represent!' with some action up on the toes.)

Pomona's eyes twinkled. "You're right, Detective Grubbly-Plank. What else?"
Ahahaha. I am quite the fan of this game! And 'Detective Grubbly-Plank' without question.

Those vines know good tits when they see them.
That may explain Pomona's fondness for them.

"And about the tits," said Will firmly. "Let me demonstrate."
I can see why Grubbly-Plank makes quite the teacher: she understands the advantages of auditory, visual, and kinaesthetic learning together.

"No, no. You must stay totally still while the reading is going on. Don't move a muscle."
G-P seems skilled at this 'reading' business; perhaps she should teach Divinations, too. She Sees more than Sybil does...

"And then you sat on the wet trays?"
*Giggles.*

I love your body-positive writing here. Many of the HP characters I seem to read most frequently--Minerva, Rolanda, Severus--are quite skinny, which is lovely in its own rite, but it's wonderful to read a work that appreciates a different form. And boots. Boot appreciation is always, er, appreciated in turn. By me. As a rule.

Will growled deep in her throat. "I love when you talk dirt to me."
Perfeccccct!

"Get down and dirty?"
And isn't that paragraph just the perfect end. Pomona held out pretty well with the dirt talk, I say!

Ah, and then you throw in the stone-butch touch! Gorgeous.

"So why don't you go and wash up? Don't look now, but you've got snargaluff dirt on your nose."
Ahahaha just right!

This is the first out-and-out story I've ever read on what may be the closest thing to my HP OTP (as a polyamorous non-strict-shipper it's a bit hard to have OTPs) and I LOVED IT. Eeeeei. Dirt talk!! And dung talk, domesticated vs wild (totally important)! Detective Dirt Work! What a sexy game. Aaaah so lovely!

This is that feeling of dreams coming true. :D
30th January 2013 04:04
You're a woman after my own heart, Kiwi -- I'm glad you like Wilhelmina/Pomona as much as I do. They really fit together so well; it's a wonder there aren't more fics about them.

As always, I so appreciate the time and trouble you take with these reviews -- they're always a great gift.

Thank you, dear.
30th January 2013 04:09
They really fit together so well; it's a wonder there aren't more fics about them.
Do you ever have something that you love so very much that you always want to see it written and to write it yourself, but you just love it so much that you're sure you could absolutely, positively not do it the justice it deserves?

I think that's me and Flora/Fauna. :P
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