Daily Deviant
- there is no such thing as 'too kinky'
Kinky Kristmas Fic: Take Two Drinks and Hex Me in the Morning (Snape/Lupin) 
1st December 2010 12:00
Kristmas Wish Fulfilled for: [info]akatnamedeaster
From: [info]r_grayjoy

Title: Take Two Drinks and Hex Me in the Morning
Characters/Pairings: Snape/Lupin
Rating: NC-17
Kinks/Themes Included: sex under the influence (slightly drunk!sex)
Other Warnings: dirty talk
Word Count: 3,550
Summary/Description: When Severus experiences some uncomfortable realizations about his life after nearly dying in the war, he decides to do something he should have done years ago. Of course, the bottle of Ogden's Best might be partly to blame.
Author's Notes: Dear Mystery Member, when I saw your wish, this fic instantly came to me and I just had to get it on (virtual) paper. Writing it for you was an absolute pleasure. I hope you enjoy.
Huge thanks to L. for the beta and to those who put up with me during the writing process, as always.

Take Two Drinks and Hex Me in the Morning


It was absolutely intolerable. Severus had lived through a war that he'd never expected to survive and had recovered from a wound that should have killed him in seconds, only to find that he'd made no plans for the future and had nothing in particular to live for. The Boy Who Defeated the Dark Lord Through Pure Luck had spoken loudly if not eloquently of Severus' bravery, and they'd awarded Severus an Order of Merlin. An Order of Merlin, for fuck's sake. It was something he'd coveted for years, but now that he had one, it was remarkably anticlimactic. Half the wizarding world called him a hero while the other half called for his head on a platter, and Severus wanted nothing to do with either faction. None of that was the intolerable part, however. No, the intolerable part was the fact that Severus had come perilously close to dying a thirty-eight-year-old virgin.

Coming face to face with one's own mortality caused one to see things in a somewhat different perspective, it seemed. Either that, or it was the effect of the bottle of Ogden's Best that Severus was presently two thirds of the way through. In any case, Severus had come to the disconcerting conclusion that spending the better part of his life carrying a torch for a woman twenty years dead who'd never loved him in the first place had been utterly ridiculous. It had only resulted in a lot of unnecessary pain, bitterness, and chastity. "Idiotic romantic notions," Severus muttered, then took another swig directly from the bottle. He'd stopped bothering with the tumbler at least an hour ago.

Severus had never been a drinker. He'd always preferred to keep his wits about him, especially after Voldemort's return when he could have been summoned at virtually any time. If anything called for large quantities of booze, however, it was his recent string of unfortunate revelations. It was too late to do anything about most of his regrets other than have a good session of wallowing in self-pity. The irksome virginity problem, though… well, perhaps that could be remedied. If only he had the faintest idea of how to go about it.

Paying for it was right out. Severus might have been a bit on the desperate side, but he did have some self-respect, thank you very much. The real trouble was that all his years of shunning social niceties had left him at a loss as to how one went about getting close enough to another person to proposition them without being hexed. Also, he'd done a rather fantastic job of ensuring that most people wouldn't want to get that close to him in the first place. Severus took another swig and tried to think of a single individual who might be even remotely receptive to his clumsy advances.

All at once it came to him. Lupin. Certainly Lupin must have been nearly as hard up as Severus himself. After all, a shabby, aging werewolf would hold little appeal for most potential partners. Despite all of their history, Lupin had never seemed to outright despise Severus; had always been infuriatingly polite to him in fact. And truthfully, now that Severus was thinking about it, Lupin wasn't entirely unattractive.

That was it, then. Lupin was likely Severus' best hope for a swift shag. And Severus knew just where to find him. Taking one last swallow from the bottle for courage, Severus rose and staggered his way to the Floo.


Severus' entrance at number twelve, Grimmauld Place was less graceful than he might have hoped. Stumbling out of the fireplace, he pitched forward several steps before he managed to catch the edge of a table and narrowly avoid ending up in a heap on the floor. The lamp that had been on the table was not so lucky.

Severus righted himself just as Lupin came rushing into the drawing room, his expression alarmed. "Severus? What are you doing here? Is something wrong?"

"I should say so!" Severus huffed. The effect of his vexed tone was somewhat ruined when his tongue refused to cooperate with the string of sibilants. "Would I be here if something were not terribly wrong?"

Blanching, Lupin moved towards Severus. "What is it? What's happened?"

"It's more a matter of what hasn't happened that's the trouble," Severus said. Pulling himself up straight and swaying only a little in the process, he announced, "Lupin, I need you. That is, I need your help. With a matter of some urgency. The situation has been ignored for far too long."

"What situation? Is someone in danger?"

"I realize that me approaching you, of all people, about this is rather strange. I can scarcely believe it myself. However, I've been thinking about it, and I've realized that you're the most sens… sensbli… logical person to ask. I don't think you hate me completely, and we do have a history, such as it is…."

Lupin cocked his head to the side. "Severus, are you drunk?"

Aware that he wasn't getting his point across, Severus growled in frustration. He'd never been good at talking about such things unless one counted phrases like, 'Ten points from Gryffindor for improper fraternization,' and he certainly wasn't here to deduct House points. Deciding that a more direct approach was in order, Severus quite literally threw himself at Lupin.

Lupin's eyes went wide a fraction of a second before he put his arms up and caught Severus. They staggered a couple of steps, but Lupin somehow kept them both upright. Before Lupin had time to regain his bearings, Severus lunged in to kiss him. His aim was initially off, and his lips connected with Lupin's chin. Undaunted, he recalibrated, shifted upwards, and hit his target.

Grabbing Severus by the shoulders, Lupin shoved him back and held him at arm's length. "Severus! What are you doing?"

"I should think that would be obvious, even to you." Severus tried to move in again, but Lupin held him fast.

"All right, allow me to rephrase the question. Why are you doing this?"

"Because I need to have sex with someone. You've been chosen. Congratulations."

"Definitely drunk," Lupin said.

"Irrelevant."

"It's hardly irrelevant. I've no desire to take advantage of someone who's obviously… impaired."

"This is no time for your ridiculous Gryffindor chivalry!"

"It's not chivalry; it's self-preservation." Lupin's smile was wry. "You'd hex me through the wall in the morning."

"So help me, Lupin, I will hex you now if you don't stop talking and start kissing!" In order to encourage said kissing, Severus launched himself at Lupin again. Breaking free of Lupin's hold, he threw his arms around Lupin's neck.

This time Lupin didn't try to dislodge him. He merely asked in a soft voice, "Why me?"

Severus didn't quite know how to explain that, but he was pretty sure saying he thought Lupin was one of the few people desperate enough to do it wouldn't be well received. "We have a history…. As much as I hate to admit it, you know me better than most…. That is, I think you'd be…."

"You are not seriously trying to tell me you've been harboring a secret desire for me all this time."

"Don't be absurd!" Vaguely offended by the notion, Severus snorted. "I merely meant that I believe you'd at least attempt to make my first time tol--" Realizing too late what he'd just revealed, he snapped his mouth shut as a blush began to spread across his face.

"Wait. First time? Do you mean--"

Not about to let Lupin say the words, Severus cut in. "Yes, damn it, that's what I mean. And I'll be buggered sideways if I'm going to see another birthday without doing anything about it!"

Smirking, Lupin said, "Poor choice of words."

Really, Severus could only shrug in agreement.

"You've really never done this? At all?"

"Insult me later. Deflower me now."

For several moments, Lupin stared at Severus, his gaze turning dark. Then he growled, a soft sound low in his throat. Pulling Severus against him, he crushed their lips together.

The kiss was not tentative, not gentle, not what Severus would have expected of Lupin at all. No, it was better than that. Lupin sucked at Severus' tongue, explored his mouth, nipped his bottom lip possessively. Severus struggled to keep up with the unrelenting assault as his already unsteady knees went weak.

Their mouths still in contact, Lupin steered them around furniture until Severus' back hit a wall. He pressed his body flush against Severus', pinning him, and Severus sucked in a surprised breath when a telltale hardness dug into his hip. For an instant Severus wondered if he'd consumed too much alcohol to return the interest, but then his body was already responding.

Pulling his head back, Lupin said, "You told me to kiss you. Is this what you wanted?"

It seemed like a pointless question to Severus, but he nodded all the same.

"What else do you want?" Lupin asked.

"I told you what I wanted." Severus was surprised at the breathlessness of his own voice.

"You told me you wanted me to have sex with you. If you want me to make it good for you, you'll have to be more specific."

That was entirely unfair, Severus thought. With his lack of experience, how was he to know what he wanted? And further, how was he supposed to think of an answer with all of his blood leaving his brain and rushing south?

When Severus failed to produce a reply, Lupin leaned in to speak close to his ear. "Do you want me to kiss you in other places? To use my lips and tongue and teeth all over you? Should I use my hands, touch you too?"

Severus had never heard Lupin talk like this, his voice deep and raspy and sensual. The sound went straight to Severus' groin. He knew he'd have to answer if he wanted the things Lupin was offering, so he forced out a hoarse, "Yes."

As soon as the word was past Severus' lips, Lupin shoved one leg between Severus' thighs and sucked on the tender spot below his ear. He attacked Severus' neck just as mercilessly as he had his mouth while he rolled his hips slowly against Severus', creating a friction that had Severus clenching his teeth to bite back a whine. Severus fisted Lupin's robes and tried not to squirm, but soon he could no longer stop his hips from jerking forward.

"Like that?" Lupin asked.

Severus was fairly certain the sound he made in response was not an actual word.

"If you want more you'll need to be undressed."

With trembling fingers, Severus reached for the fastenings of his robes. The clasps slipped out of his grasp more than once, and he began tugging on them in frustration.

"Do you want me to do that?" Lupin asked.

Although he was thoroughly embarrassed at being a grown man who couldn't get his own damned robes off, Severus swallowed his pride and gave a curt nod. Lupin's hands replaced Severus', and in no time he'd popped all the buttons and clasps open. Not about to be the only one naked, Severus said, "You too."

A slow smile stealing over his face, Lupin took a step back and dispensed with his own robes, swiftly unfastening them, shrugging them off, and tossing them over the back of the nearest armchair. Severus raked his gaze over Lupin's form. He was thin, thinner than he should have been, but his shoulders were broad and lean muscle worked beneath his skin. A scattering of golden hair ran across his chest and down his stomach, disappearing beneath the waistband of his pants, the fabric of which was tented with his erection. Despite what Severus might have thought about him before, Lupin most definitely wasn't shabby now.

Stepping forward again, Lupin parted Severus' robes and shoved them back over his shoulders. Severus lowered his arms and let his clothing drop to the floor. He braced himself for a disparaging remark from Lupin, but none came. Instead, Lupin moved in so close that they were only millimeters from touching. Once more speaking close to Severus' ear, he said, "Now what, Severus?"

Warmth radiated from Lupin's body, heating Severus' skin. Lupin's shaggy hair brushed his cheek, and he felt Lupin's breath on his neck. Anticipation hung thickly in the air. Severus' heart pounded in his chest, and his mouth went dry. He licked his lips, then whispered, "Touch me."

"How?" Lupin asked. "Softly?" He placed his palms on Severus' waist and ran them up his sides, his touch barely there, so light it almost tickled. Severus hissed and arched into the caress. "Or rough?" Lupin moved his hands back down, this time digging his nails into Severus' flesh as he went so that Severus grunted and reached for Lupin reflexively.

"Yes! Anything!" Severus said. "Just do something!"

All at once, Lupin was clutching him, kissing him again, stealing his breath and destroying what was left of his control. Severus could only lean on the wall and cling to Lupin for support as Lupin attacked his lips, his neck, his chest. As Lupin had promised, his mouth and hands were everywhere, or so it seemed to Severus.

When Lupin worried Severus' nipple between his teeth, Severus threw his head back and shouted. He'd had no idea that could feel so intense, and he was caught wholly unprepared. Lupin huffed a chuckle against Severus' chest and asked, "Hmm, you like that?" This time he didn't wait for an answer before he did it again. And more. And nibbled and licked and sucked until Severus was sliding down the wall.

For the second time Lupin caught Severus and kept him from toppling. "Bed now, I think?"

A jolt of desire mixed with trepidation sped through Severus, but he gasped, "Indeed," without hesitation. Lupin helped him to the sofa, then went to fish his wand from his discarded robes. A quick spell transfigured the sofa flat, and Severus abruptly found himself horizontal.

Crawling on his hands and knees, slow and lithe, Lupin made his way up Severus' body. When he was fully atop Severus, he rubbed their cocks together through their pants in a lazy back and forth. "Now what would you like, Severus?" he asked, breathing heavily between his words. "Do you want me to take you in my hand? You could show me just how you like it. I wonder whether you'd want it slow and teasing or hard and fast. Or you could watch me stroke myself for you. Would you like that?"

Damn near ready to come from Lupin's words alone, Severus could only dig his fingers into Lupin's back and groan. Apparently Lupin was pleased with that response, because he went on, "Maybe you'd like my mouth better? I could taste you all over with my tongue before I sucked you between my lips. I'd take you deep and make you come apart screaming. Do you want that?"

"Yesssssssss," Severus agreed. Then, "No! No, not that, not now." As incredible as Lupin made it all sound, that wasn't what Severus had come for.

"Then what do you want?"

"I want…. You know what I want."

"Say it, Severus."

It was a few seconds before Severus could force the embarrassing words past his lips, but at last it was all too much. "Fuck me! I want you to fuck me."

Instantly Lupin responded, sliding down to remove Snape's pants and then making short work of his own. He picked up his wand and cast a Summoning Charm, and a small jar flew from elsewhere in the house and slapped into his palm. Severus began to turn over to give Lupin access, but Lupin said, "No, face me."

Lupin positioned himself between Severus' thighs and pushed Severus' legs apart. He opened the jar and coated his fingers in an oily substance, then reached down to slip a finger inside Severus. At first the sensation was odd and invading, but as Lupin worked, it began to feel good, and better than just good. Then there was more lube and another finger, and that burned like hell, but then Lupin was doing something that set sparks off behind Severus' eyes, and Severus was questing towards Lupin's hand, wanting more. Lupin gave him more, and more, until Severus was a panting, writhing mess. "Enough!" Severus gasped. "Get on with it. Now!"

"Pushy, aren't you?" Lupin said, then gave a throaty laugh. Still, he oiled his cock and leaned over Severus, prepared to give him what he'd demanded. At the first push, Severus hissed. "Relax," Lupin told him, stroking his thigh.

"Easy for you to say," Severus muttered, but he did his best to relax nonetheless. Lupin pushed forward again, and this time he slipped in, and in and in, until Severus could feel Lupin's bollocks nestled against his arse.

Then it was Lupin who hissed between clenched teeth, squeezed his eyes shut, and froze. He appeared to spend several moments mastering himself, and his voice was unsteady as he said, "You all right?"

Strangely, Severus was all right. Better than all right. He wanted Lupin to move, for Salazar's sake. "Yes, fine, just…" he said, and he pulled at Lupin, trying to spur him into motion.

Finally Lupin moved, tentatively at first, as though he were testing Severus' reactions and trying not to hurt him. Severus, though, had been too tightly wound for too long, and he quickly lost patience with the slow and careful approach. His fingernails digging into Lupin's back, Severus bucked hard and tried to increase their pace.

A strangled moan escaped Lupin, and it was as if his restraint had snapped. Surging over Severus, thrusting hard, he fell into a swift, staccato rhythm. He braced himself on his hands, his head bent, and his hair tumbled forward and swung with each snap of his hips. He groaned and gasped and panted and whined, and something about seeing oh-so-mild Lupin in that state made Severus' head spin and his cock throb.

It didn't last long. It was too fast and frantic for that. Lupin gave a final push, burying himself deep, then threw his head back with a shout. His body jerked, and Severus felt the warmth of Lupin's spend filling him.

At the end of his endurance, Severus reached down to finish himself, but Lupin beat him there. With the last of his own climax still pulsing from him, Lupin grasped Severus' cock and tugged. He was rough and quick, and a few strokes was all it took. Severus came in hot pulses, spurting hard over Lupin's fingers and onto both of their stomachs.

Lupin lowered himself and began kissing Severus again as the sensations ebbed and Severus' pulse slowed. The kisses were different this time; not claiming and urgent, but soft and easy. Closer to what Severus might have anticipated from Lupin, and yet somehow not quite. Before he had time to determine what seemed so unexpected about it, Lupin drew away and rolled off Severus to lay beside him.

Severus spoke first. "What made you agree?"

After a pause, Lupin said, "I didn't want you to end up with someone who wouldn't care about making it good for you."

Turning his head away from Lupin, Severus said, "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to hear that I was a pity fuck."

"And also," Lupin said, his voice softer, "because I wanted to."

Severus turned back. "Why?"

"When you told me you'd never… well. The idea that I could be the first one, the only one to have you like this…. It drove me a little mad."

Snorting, Severus said, "It's good to know that I actually can get under your skin after all, Lupin."

"Oh, you're always been able to do that, one way or another." Lupin's grin was sly.

The conversation lapsed for a bit, then something occurred to Severus. "Wait. You said the first and the only." He raised an eyebrow.

Lupin appeared startled for an instant before he carefully said, "Well, I. I wouldn't be at all opposed to this happening again." Quickly he added, "But if this is strictly a one time thing, I understand completely, of course."

Something in Lupin's tone made Severus think Lupin would be disappointed if the latter were the case. Taking a gamble, he said, "I suppose one is permitted to do foolish things from time to time. Minerva will be hosting the annual Christmas party at Hogwarts soon. We could always blame her famous eggnog if something untoward were to happen."

"You can blame the eggnog if you like. How about if I just blame my inability to say no to you? Or the fact that I don't want to say no to you."

Raising up on one elbow so that he could see Lupin more clearly, Severus asked, "What do you want?" He thought it was only fair to ask Lupin to answer that question for a change.

Lupin smiled up at him, a mischievous but honest smile. "I want you to stay here tonight so I can greet you first thing tomorrow with breakfast -- and a hangover remedy."

"You aren't still afraid I'll hex you in the morning?"

"I'll take my chances."

As he lay down beside Lupin once more, Severus decided that he'd take his chances as well.
Comments 
1st December 2010 17:30
Oh, this is beautiful and so SO hot and awereawek;ljadf

and not something I should be reading as my 5 year old watches Philosopher's Stone on the other end of the sofa. It is because the heating is on that I'm hot and flushed, yes.

I do adore Snape/Lupin, and virgin!Snape topping from the bottom, and dominant Lupin and aadfkjdsf. Yes.
1st December 2010 17:39
Well done, mystery writer! I love your sexy take charge Remus and Drunken and desperate Severus.
1st December 2010 17:45
Oh drunk!Severus is marvelous. Love Remus making sure it was good for Severus. Very hot!
1st December 2010 17:59
Nrgh :). There's a nice bit of post-war-not-dead Snupin :). Drunk and determined Snape is rather adorable.
1st December 2010 18:46
"I should think that would be obvious, even to you." Severus tried to move in again, but Lupin held him fast.

"All right, allow me to rephrase the question. Why are you doing this?"

"Because I need to have sex with someone. You've been chosen. Congratulations."

"Definitely drunk," Lupin said.

"Irrelevant."


asldkfjasd;ljfdsa;l

I had forgotten how amazingly humorous and also HAWT Snupin can be! Drunk!Severus is one of my fave things!

Thank you mystery author!
1st December 2010 18:53
Mmm, sweet and sexy and may I just say? Drunk!horny!virgin!Severus is adorable. *cuddles him*
I also love how quickly Remus agreed. Nice to see him put aside his Gryffindor scruples for a change. *g*
Nicely done!
1st December 2010 19:13
that was wonderful! i love virgin!severus! the sex was perfect - so hot!
1st December 2010 20:16
This was fun! I really liked drunk-but-determined!Severus. And I always adore getting glimpses of alpha!Remus. (I think Severus likes that, too.)
1st December 2010 20:41
Drunk and desperate!Snape FTW! You know how much I love this, not-so-mystery Author. Funny as hell and hot and romantic all at once. :)
1st December 2010 20:54
I love Severus channelling Spock - this is all so logical Lupin. And the set-up with the line about carrying a torch for a woman twenty years dead, and the Order of Merlin, and... asdadsf;lkjh!

Sweet.

And hot.
1st December 2010 21:09
*hops up and down* The first day of KK has something for me!!

Thank you Mystery Author! I love everything about this, Snape's drunken musings about what's missing from his life and then using his liquid courage to go and get it, his first half-assed attempt at a kiss and take charge Lupin. And of course the extremely hot sex!

*g* Snape would without a doubt be a very pushy bottom, at least when he's drunk. :)
2nd December 2010 00:24
"Insult me later. Deflower me now."

Ahahahhaha! This is possibly the best line in the history of ever. Severus' impatience and Remus' usual measured responses are a great contrast.

And somehow I can picture Severus briefly panicking in the morning, hexing Lupin, and then barreling straight on to Round Two anyway. Hee.
2nd December 2010 00:30
*confetti flying* Yay! It's like a gift for me!

"Insult me later. Deflower me now." That is a brilliant, fantastic, eye-catching line! This is full of wonderful lines and imagery, mystery author! Well done! Well done, indeed!
2nd December 2010 01:17
Hee, this was fun and hot and unexpectedly sweet. :-) Love drunk and determined Snape!
2nd December 2010 01:49
This was very enjoyable! So hot and sweet. I don’t always care for drunk and/or virgin Severus, but this was well written and fun to read. :D

And YES to dominant!Remus. *fans self* Also yay to both Remus and Severus for taking chances!

Thank you, mystery writer!
2nd December 2010 02:43
Hee, drunk!Severus was great fun in his persistence! Very hot stuff. :D
2nd December 2010 03:39
Delightful. Severus is in perfect voice, the sex is hot, the banter is cool, and some of the lines had me laughing aloud. Like:

he was pretty sure saying he thought Lupin was one of the few people desperate enough to do it wouldn't be well received

Undaunted, he recalibrated, shifted upwards, and hit his target
"Recalibrated" -- haha

Half the wizarding world called him a hero while the other half called for his head on a platter

The Boy Who Defeated the Dark Lord Through Pure Luck
2nd December 2010 06:13
Oh, gorgeous! Sweet and funny and sexy as hell!
2nd December 2010 11:54
Oooh, I love this. So many laugh out loud lines, hot sex and I really loved the snuggly ending :D
2nd December 2010 14:49
Ahahaha. I love it. Your Lupin is a brave, brave man lol. And a drunk!Severus is something everyone should be able to find giftwrapped under their tree. :D I know I certainly want one. Yum! The smut was smoking hot, but their interactions were what set this apart. Excellent fic!
2nd December 2010 16:03
Excellent little story. Drunk Severus is fantastic and Remus wanting to be his first and only is just perfect.

2nd December 2010 22:53
It had only resulted in a lot of unnecessary pain, bitterness, and chastity.

A lot of unnecessary chastity, lol!
3rd December 2010 10:01
UM. Just the right amount of snark but juuuust enough angst to make me love this completely. And demanding virgin!Snape is one of my kinks. ;) Thank you for sharing, mysterious writer!
3rd December 2010 22:53
I am full of such warm, smooshy, Snape/Lupin love right now....Thank you!!

love, lore
4th December 2010 23:12 - Take Two Drinks and Hex Me in the Morning
The Boy Who Defeated the Dark Lord Through Pure Luck

LMAO - I love Harry's new title.


"Because I need to have sex with someone. You've been chosen. Congratulations."


LOL He sure knows how to use the English language doesn't he.

Nicely done. Like the drunken first time, and the ending even better. Though if there was a little hexing in the morning I doubt either would truly mind. :)

Nicely done.
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