Kristmas Wish Fulfilled for: karasu_hime
From:  eeyore9990

Title: Far Out
Characters/Pairings: Sirius/Severus/Remus
Rating: NC-17
Kinks/Themes Included: gender bending, first time, threesome, double-penetration
Other Warnings: None
Word Count: ~4300
Summary/Description: Sirius, unable to resist tormenting Severus, hits him with a spell that turns him--briefly--into a girl.  It's Remus to the rescue when things don't go back to normal as quickly as planned.
Author's Notes:  This was insanely fun to write.  Thank you to the anonymous prompter who left this delicious bit of deliciousness.  Thanks also to r_grayjoy for the beta!  Happy Kinky Kristmas, all you deviants!  :D

---

"I am going to kill you, Black!"  Snape spat out the words as he rounded on Sirius, his eyes slits of murderous rage. 

Which was all well and good, but was completely wasted on Sirius, whose gaze was stuck to Snape's emerging bosoms.

Stepping between them, Remus held up his hands and made his voice as soothing as possible.  "Severus.  It was an accident, surely you can see that?  And really," his eyes dipped down to where Severus' lips were filling out as rapidly as his chest, "it's not even that bad."

"Not that bad?!  He's turned me into a girl!"  Snape's voice was undergoing as radical a change as his body; it cracked on the end, and Remus winced in sympathy.

"Yeahhh," Sirius said, licking his lips.  "A hot girl.  You can thank me later.  In my room."

"Sirius!"  Remus made his voice sharp enough to cut through Sirius' blather.  "That's enough.  Apologise to Severus."

Sirius blinked, finally breaking eye contact with the nipples that showed through the strained material of Severus' white shirt.

"I don't want his apology!  I want you to fix this!  Now!"  Severus' hands were balled up at his sides, cheeks flushed with anger.  Which really wasn't helping Remus to focus on the problem at hand. 

He couldn't help moving toward Severus and placing a comforting hand at the small of his back.  Which was when he noticed that the material of Severus' trousers had also pulled tight as Severus' hips had widened and his once nearly non-existent arse had filled in.  It still wasn't much of an arse, but now his pert cheeks pressed against the thin material of his trousers and his hips melded into a waist that was tiny by comparison. 

God, Sirius did brilliant work.

"Why are you fondling my arse?" Severus asked in a husky contralto voice, his back stiffening beneath Remus' hand. 

"I-I'm not," Remus protested, eyes immediately drawn to where his hand was resting on the top curve of Severus'... arse.  "Much," he added weakly, pulling his hand away.

Severus glared at him for a long moment before turning back to Sirius.  "Fix this!" he repeated through clenched teeth before turning and storming from the room.

Remus and Sirius watched him leave, both boys' eyes trained on Severus' now-curvaceous backside.

"Bugger me," Sirius breathed, adjusting himself through his trousers.

Remus blinked, considered agreeing with Sirius' offer, and then simply asked, "What's that?"

"I do brilliant work."

---

"All right.  Tell me again which formula you used.  I need the arithmantic equation."  Remus rubbed at his eyes, trying to erase the numbers and runes that seemed to be emblazoned on his eyelids. 

"It's right there," Sirius said, jabbing at a sheaf of parchment spread out on the table.  "We've been over and over this.  The spell should have reverted by now.  It was only meant to last through dinnertime!"

"That was two days ago!  He's going to end up hexing my bollocks off, and I had nothing to do with it!  Gah, Sirius, why do you have this need to torment him so?!"

Sirius shrugged and looked away.  "He's a git."

"It's more than that.  This school is littered with gits--of which you're one, by the way--and you don't do this to the rest of them.  I think you have a thing for the lovely Mr Snape."

"Lovely?!  He's greasy and snarky and his nose--"

"Which would explain why you can't keep your eyes off him."

"Well, those tits are rather fabulous, if I do say so myself."

Remus hummed noncommitally and shrugged his shoulders.  "A bit too fabulous, if you ask me.  But you've definitely done a wonder for his arse, so--"

"Says the gayest gay boy in Gryffin-gay.  Gay-ffindor?"

"You would know."

"You're not denying it?"

"Why should I?" Some inner demon that only came out in the presence of Sirius, James, and Peter poked its evil head out and prompted him to say, "When I'm shagging Snape rotten in the Potion's storeroom tomorrow morning, you'll know the truth."

Sirius' laughter really wasn't necessary.  Remus glared at him, which only served to make him laugh all the harder.  "Oh, fuck, Moony.  Seriously.  Funniest damn thing I've heard all year.  I mean, let's consider this, shall we?  Think of what you know of Snape.  Loner, friendless, his one and only romantic attachment is to his right hand...  Stop me when you've heard enough."

"I don't have a time-turner for that, git," Remus said, lips twisting sourly.  "And what's your point?"

"He's obviously got a big V painted on his greasy forehead.  I mean, seriously, can you imagine anyone who'd have slept with him?"

Remus pursed his lips.  "I dunno.  I'd have considered it.  He's not that bad, you know."

"He is that bad, you've simply forgotten since you're so enamoured of his new arse.  That I gave him.  So.  We've agreed old Snivellus is a virgin."

"We haven't agreed to anything, and why does this matter?" 

"It simply occurs to me that if anyone is going to be relieving Snape of his virginity, it should be me.  After all, I have actual experience with the female body."

"Yes, I know.  That polyjuice stunt you pulled on Alice last year was really an all-time low.  Even for you." 

Sirius kicked him under the table and scowled.  "I meant that my experience shagging female bodies--"

"Necrophilia?  Wow, I did not see that coming."

"Five Galleons."

Remus blinked. "What?"

"Five Galleons that I can get into Snape's knickers before you can."

Shocked laughter overwhelmed Remus for a moment before he saw the determined gleam in Sirius' eyes.  "Oh, dear.  You're actually serious."

"Have been since birth."

"That joke was funny once."

"Which would explain why you're smiling."

"Be reasonable, Sirius.  You can't make a bet like this!  First of all, it's a losing proposition for either of us.  He hates us; me for my monthly problem, you for... being born."

"Surely even you can rise to this particular challenge?"  Sirius waggled his eyebrows, making such lewd gestures that Remus crumpled up some parchment and threw it in his face.  "Come on.  Five Galleons.  I'll spot you your five.  You can pay me back whenever."

"How is that even a bet then, if you're paying up no matter who wins?"

"I'm bored."  Remus' blood turned to ice at that pronouncement.  A bored Sirius was a dangerous Sirius.  No wonder Snape was wearing girl-parts.  "Jamie is off making cow-eyes at Evans and Peter.... Well, who knows what he's up to?  I'm bored.  Don't let me be bored."

Knowing it was a no-win situation, Remus went ahead and took the bet.  What was the worst that could happen?

---

Remus was just stepping into the classroom when he heard Sirius say, "So it appears that the only way to reverse this spell is to have sex." 

"Let me guess," Snape drawled.  "I have to have sex with the person who cast the spell."

"They said you were smart.  Who knew?"

"Only anyone who's ever met him," Remus said, startling the boys who were really standing far too close to one another.  Sirius' chest was nearly brushing against the tips of Snape's breasts; as a prefect, it was his duty to ensure such illicit behaviour didn't go unpunished.  "Severus, I apologise for my idiot friend."

"Don't start apologising for idiocy, Lupin.  You'll never catch your breath."  Turning back to Sirius, he said, "Do you honestly think I'm stupid enough to believe such utter bollocks?"

"Can't blame a bloke for trying," Sirius said, lower lip jutting out in a pout that Remus had seen him practicing in the mirror more than once.

"Sirius, really, I think it's time you give this up.  Severus, we worked on the problem all night, and I couldn't find any reason for the spell not to have worn off.  I just," Remus ran a hand through his hair and shrugged, "have no idea what went wrong."

"We haven't had sex yet?" Sirius said, a hopeful lilt in his voice.

"Oh, for fuck's--"

"Fine."

Remus and Sirius both stared hard at Severus, who was blandly studying his fingernails. 

"Fine?" Remus asked.

"Yes," Severus drawled, looking up at Remus.  "Fine.  If I must have this bloody body, I may as well get some use out of it."

"You're really going to have sex with Sirius.  Who you hate."  No matter how he said it, it just sounded wrong.

"Whom."

"Pardon?"

"Whom I hate.  And I was planning to have sex with the both of you.  So come along."

"Wait, what?"

"Oh, I am sorry, was that not you staring at my arse every second of the past two days?"

Remus opened his mouth but wasn't able to answer before Sirius clapped a hand over it and said, "We're good.  Lead the way."

---

"You know, this castle really is littered with empty classrooms," Remus remarked as Severus cast a general cleaning charm on the room.  Remus admired his wand-work, noticing that the previously dust-coated surfaces were nearly sparkling.  Well, as much as wood could sparkle. 

"Good idea," Sirius said, and Remus was about to ask what he meant when a tingle of magic washed over his body and he was left standing in the middle of the room completely nude. 

"Sirius!"  Remus immediately brought his legs together, hands automatically going to shield his bits from view.  A burning in his cheeks made him realise he was blushing, which he knew was ridiculous, considering what they were planning to do, but...  In the blink of an eye, Sirius and Severus were both as naked as Remus.

"Dammit, Black, does the concept of seduction mean nothing to you?"

Remus could only stand and watch as Sirius, completely comfortable with his nudity, strutted over to Severus and engaged him in a long, deep, sexy-looking kiss.  Remus shifted from one foot to the other as it went on... and on... and on.  Finally, feeling left out, he walked over to where the two were standing and arrived just in time for Sirius to break away and murmur, "I always find that seduction goes better when I'm naked."

Severus turned to Remus, rolled his eyes, and said, "Is he always like this?"

That didn't even require thought.  "Always."

"And how are you with seduction?"

Remus shrugged, being careful not to show too much as his shoulders lifted, and said, "I've never really had any complaints."

"Hmm.  Kiss Black."

Sirius perked up.  "Oh, this is going to be fun."

Remus sighed in exasperation but didn't dodge when Sirius turned to pull him into a long, tongue-filled kiss.  It wasn't the first time they'd done this--dorm rooms were for experimenting, after all--but it was the first time Remus had felt such directed effort on Sirius' part to arouse lust in him.  He moaned, leaning into Sirius who nipped at his bottom lip.  He became so involved that he stopped thinking about his nudity and reached up to wind his hands in Sirius' hair, the better to take control.  He angled Sirius' head and backed him against one of the tables, moaning low in his throat when his cock brushed against Sirius' hip.  A hand on his back caught his attention and he opened his eyes to see Severus standing at his shoulder, watching avidly as he kissed Sirius, who was lost in the moment.  Remus broke away and turned, keeping Sirius at arms' length with one hand while he snaked the other around the back of Severus' neck and pulled him in to capture his mouth. 

It was strange and awkward; though Remus had kissed girls before, he'd never gone for the ones with large breasts.  They simply looked painful and unwieldy to him, not sexy at all.  He pressed his lips to Severus' slowly, allowing him time to protest if he chose.  When none was forthcoming, he swiped his tongue over the teeth-prints Sirius had left behind, soothing the creases before pressing forward and deepening the kiss.  As he kissed Severus, he stared into his eyes, watching the different variations of black swirl there from less than an inch away.  As lust began to overwhelm his control, Remus turned fully from Sirius and gathered Severus in his arms, pulling him close and running his hands over the arse he'd spent so much time appreciating--both in its current and former form.

The thought that perhaps he should pay attention to other bits of Severus forced his hands up, but Sirius had beaten him to the bounty of Snape's breasts.  An elbow in his ribs pushed him none-too-gently to the side; he shifted without breaking the kiss.  Silky hair brushed his chest and he realised Sirius was sucking on Severus' breasts.   A sharp moan vibrated into Remus' mouth from Severus' just before Severus bit down on his tongue and began sucking on it.   A hand wrapping around Remus' cock made him back away from Snape before he started biting--he was sure Severus wouldn't be comfortable with that--and he groaned, looking down to see a dainty hand stroking slowly over his length. 

"God, Severus," he whispered, then shouted when Sirius pulled off Severus' breasts and turned to run his tongue over the tip of Remus' cock, which Severus held for him.  He flailed, stumbling backward and wincing when his motions caused Severus to yank a bit too hard on his cock before releasing it.  "Wait," he gasped.  "Stop."  Sirius groaned, but pulled away, though his hands continued to pluck at Severus' hardened nipples. 

"What?"

"Someone transfigure a table and lock the door.  Silencing spells too, I think."  Within seconds, the room was ready for them to go a step further.  "Severus, since you're the one with the new body, lay down."

Severus crossed his arms over his chest--as much as possible--and raised an eyebrow at him. 

Remus sighed.  "You'll be happy you did, all right?  I want to show you something that only girls can feel."

"Fine, but if you over-step yourself, just remember I've still got my wand and yours is in your trousers... whatever Black did with those."

Remus kissed him again, to shut him up really, and then bodily lifted him and placed him on the newly transfigured bed.  He contemplated the idea of stuffing a bit of bedding in Severus' mouth to keep him quiet, then decided he really wanted to hear his reaction to what came next.  If Remus was as good at this as he'd been led to believe, Severus was going to shout the roof down around them. 

He crawled onto the foot of the bed, pushing Severus' legs apart even as the bed dipped under Sirius' weight.  He grinned when he saw Sirius move to immediately attack Severus' breasts again.  Taking advantage of Severus' distraction, he swooped down and licked a stripe up Severus' thigh before using his thumbs to part his labia.  Severus went unnaturally still under Remus' hands and he hid his smile before gently rubbing the tip of his tongue over Severus' clit.

"Oh my God," Severus moaned. 

Remus rolled his eyes when, not removing his mouth from Severus' breasts, Sirius said, "Hmmm?"

"He wasn't talking to you, git."

"Both of you, actually, but fuck, Lupin. I had you pegged as a complete poof."

"Says the boy who's about to fuck two other boys simultaneously."

"Simultaneously?  I... hadn't actually planned for that, but now you mention it--"

"Simultaneously?" Sirius asked, lips shiny and red and eyes far, far too eager.  "Snape, I never thought I'd ever say this, but you're far out."

"Far out of what?" Snape asked, sounding breathy as Remus decided to leave the two of them to the conversational bits and go back to what he'd been doing.

"Oh my God, you're the most lame excuse for a half-Muggle ever.  Seriously, join us in the seventies, please."

"Should I just stop?" Remus asked, exasperated.  "I mean, if we're going to discuss current fashion trends and whatnot instead of, you know, getting to the fucking sometime before the turn of the century, I'd like to know."

"Fucking.  Definitely fucking," Sirius said, and pushed against Remus' shoulders.  "Move over, I want some of that."

Remus sat back, slowly stroking his cock as he watched Sirius go down on Severus, who thrashed around as much as he could given that Sirius had a death-grip on his hips.  Severus moaned, back arching, and turned his head toward Remus as a flush rose up his chest and flooded his face just before his mouth opened on a silent scream.  Remus crawled forward again, slanting his mouth over Severus' too-tempting lips. 

They were only given a quick moment to kiss, however, before Sirius pulled Remus away and said, voice too husky, "If we're both going to do this, I want front."

Remus smiled slowly.  "I always knew you were a true friend.  All other evidence to the contrary."

Sirius Summoned a half-empty bottle of lube from his robes--Remus didn't even raise an eyebrow that his friend carried it with him--and Remus set to work preparing Severus for him.  Gently pushing Severus onto his side so he faced away from him, Remus slipped his lube-coated fingers between Snape's thighs and up, swirling the tips over the entrance to his arse before pushing one through. He'd been half-afraid that Severus' new anatomy would make this too uncomfortable for him, but from the way Severus was pushing back against him, low moans vibrating up out of his chest, it was obvious he was enjoying himself.

"Now?" Sirius asked, bouncing lightly on the bed.

"Not quite," Remus said, eyes closed and tongue darting over his lip as he slowly inserted a third lubed finger into Severus' arse.  "God, he feels good."

"Now?"

Remus sighed, exasperated.  "You know, his other... hole... isn't dependent on me being finished here for you to make use of it."

"I am here still," Severus said, though his words were more moaned than spoken.  Remus grinned and lowered his head, nipping one arse cheek in response to Severus' snark, startling a gasp from him. 

"Right, so I'm going in," Sirius said, and they spent a minute rearranging bodies and limbs before Remus was able to get his fingers back where he wanted them.  The wet sounds of kissing reached him just before Severus' arse muscles tightened painfully around his fingers and he heard a high-pitched, muffled scream.

"Bastard!  What the fuck was what?" Severus hissed, still completely rigid even as Remus tried to help him relax by running his other hand over his back.

"Uh... You really were a virgin?  Apparently that transferred to the new body.  Sorry, didn't realise," Sirius murmured.  Remus felt the bed shift as Sirius pulled back and thrust again. 

"Enough!  Fuck, Black, that really does hurt.  I can't believe girls do this."

"Seriously?" Remus asked.  "It hurts that bad?"

There was a long pause before Severus muttered, "Not that bad, but it's enough to put me right out of the mood."

"What do you need?" Sirius asked.  "More kissing?"

"I'd really like Lupin to put his cock to better use, actually.  The fingering thing is all well and good, but we'll be here through the Christmas hols if he doesn't hurry."

Remus grinned and moved forward, pressing a kiss to Severus' neck as he lined up his lubed cock.  "Are you certain?" he asked softly.

"Quite."

A slow, slick push and the head of his cock was sliding into Severus' hot, tight arse.  Remus stopped, eyes nearly crossing as he tried to give Severus a moment to adjust.  Sirius whimpered and Remus felt him--felt his cock--shift inside Severus through the thin wall of flesh that separated them.  That one little move seemed to spark something inside Severus because at that point he turned into a wildcat, doing everything he could to work himself on both of them, though he was hampered by his position on his side between the two of them.  Remus gasped and thrust all the way in, teeth sinking into Severus' shoulder as the tight heat became almost unbearable. 

It was awkward and sloppy and several times they had to start over again when limbs became too entangled, but it was the best thing Remus had ever felt and he was gratified when Severus stiffened all around him again before he gave one last thrust and allowed the orgasm he'd been holding back since... well, since nearly the moment they'd entered the room, to spill out of him.  He shuddered against Severus as Sirius continued to thrust raggedly, his cock sliding smoothly over Remus' slowly softening one with every push and pull.  Severus' cries turned to babbling and then everything went still.

Remus opened his eyes, staring into Sirius' as Sirius' cock began to pulse inside Severus.  He could feel it against his cock, and it was almost too much.

Remus held Severus, petting him slowly as he murmured and moaned, small shivers wracking his body. 

"That was..."

"Fan-bloody-tastic," Sirius said, voice muffled as he licked and kissed Severus' throat.

"Mmmm."  Severus shifted restlessly and Remus pulled out as gently as he could. 

"Sorry," he murmured, pressing a kiss to the shoulder that bore the imprint of his teeth.

"'S okay."

They lay like that for several minutes before Severus began to move, his pointy elbows jabbing Remus in the ribs. 

"What's wrong?"

"Something... oh my God.  It actually worked!"

Sirius and Remus sat up, staring down at Severus as his breasts flattened out into a masculine chest and his hips narrowed, a cock pushing up from between his legs as his facial features sharpened.  Remus blinked in shock and looked up at Sirius, who looked just as gobsmacked as he felt. 

"That's... that's..."

"Well, I suppose stranger things have happened," Remus said, but something about the whole situation struck him as far too odd to be likely.  He tried to catch Severus' gaze, but found that impossible.  Severus wriggled to the end of the bed and Summoned his clothing, acting fast though his movements cried out that he was physically uncomfortable.

"Where're you going?" Sirius muttered, snuggling into the bed.

"You didn't honestly think I'd stay?" Severus sneered.

"I suppose not," Remus said, though Severus hadn't been speaking to him.  He laid a hand on Sirius' arm, watching as Severus scurried from the room.

"Why'd you let him go?"

"He needed a bit of space, I think."

Sirius stretched, unconcerned with his state of undress.  "Yeah, I guess.  We should probably get back to the dorm.  Jamie's bound to notice we're missing eventually."

Remus stared at him, one eyebrow raised.

"Okay, so probably not until he actually succeeds in getting in Evans' knickers, but still..."

Snickering, they got dressed and left the room.  On the way out, Sirius smirked, turned to Remus, and said, "You owe me five Galleons."

"What?  We both--"

"I was first."

Remus rolled his eyes.  "Fine.  Can I borrow five Galleons?"

---

Remus slid into the chair across from Severus, ignoring the surprised glances he received from the few other students currently using the library.

"So."

Severus glared at him over the top of his book.  "What?"

"It was really odd that the spell reversed when it did, don't you think?"

"Odd?  I would have said 'fortuitous', but you may certainly disagree.  What do you want, Lupin?"

"I was just thinking," Remus said, reaching forward and pulling Severus' book down a few inches so they could have a proper whispered conversation, "that, if you had something to do with the timing of it all..."

"Why would you think that?"

Remus placed a scroll of parchment on the table between them.  Severus' expression remained blank, though his eyelid did twitch a bit.  "I expected you to hex Sirius when he suggested his, um, cure.  Instead, you agreed.  Also, the handwriting on this seems very... familiar.  Suspiciously so."  The parchment was one that had been scattered amongst the set he had pored ever with Sirius when trying to find a way to reverse Severus' womanhood.  At the time, he hadn't thought anything of it.  Now, however...

"And?"

"Did you really think you had to go to these lengths to interest us?  Or was it just Sirius you were after?"

Severus sniffed.  "What makes you think I wanted either of you?"

Remus chewed on his lip, staring hard at Severus, looking for any encouragement.  Finally, with a sigh, he said, "So, I just wanted to let you know that it wasn't necessary.  Sirius has been making a fool of himself over you for years, and... well.  I've always thought you were..."  Remus shrugged, unable to go on in the face of Severus' stony silence.  "Well, anyway.  Never mind."  Remus stood and looked around, dragging a hand through his hair as he shifted from foot to foot.  "See you in Potions, I guess."

"Lupin."

"Yes?"  Oh, God, his voice cracked.  How utterly embarrassing.

"So, hypothetically, if I were interested..."

Remus dropped back into the chair and leaned forward.  "Go on."

"The spell only lasts approximately five hours.  It would require careful timing or reapplication of the spell throughout the day."

Remus smiled.  "The spell was great, Severus, but entirely unnecessary.  Not saying I wouldn't like to try it again some day, but I think I'd be happy to just... let things stay as they are."

"And Black?"

"Pulled your pigtails long before you had any."

Severus' grin was small and slow in coming, but real and beautiful when it finally appeared.  "Far out."

Remus wasn't able to stop laughing, even when Madam Pince came and booted them from the library.