Daily Deviant
- there is no such thing as 'too kinky'
The Mrs Weasleys' Great Meat Pie Contest 
15th October 2009 06:54
Title: The Mrs Weasleys' Great Meat Pie Contest
Author: Lee West
Characters/Pairings: Arthur/Molly, Bill/Fleur, Charlie/Viktor, Percy/Audrey, George/Angelina, Ron/Hermione, Harry/Ginny and Teddy/Victoire
Rating: R
Kinks/Themes Chosen: Edible Aphrodisiacs
Other Warnings: Use and abuse of pie.
Word Count: 2,634
Summary/Descriptions: Which of the Mrs Weasleys makes the best meat pie?
Author's Notes: For everyone whose pies are not "as good as my mother's."

Thank you muchly to Sab and Minnow for betaing.

It all started with a recipe dispute.


Molly prided herself of being a great cook, and nothing made her happier than preparing huge feasts for her family. As her children grew up, married and procreated, Molly always made sure that she kept the same traditions for the grandchildren as she had done for her children, cooking full feasts for the holidays, baking enormous amounts of cookies and tarts for Christmas and making her own chocolate eggs for the Great Annual Weasley Egg Hunt.

The meals for such feasts included a "special" dish for each member of the large family. Bill, for instance, loved her meatballs, Charlie couldn't imagine the holidays without chocolate fudge and so on.

Her signature dish, however, was her Arthur's favorite: a juicy meat pie. The recipe, handed down begrudgingly from Aunt Muriel, was kept under lock and key by Molly. Just like Aunt Muriel had done, she only planned to pass it down when she was too old and too unwilling to cook. And even then, the recipe would be given to Ginny, to pass on to Lily and so on. Always going to a girl in the family.

For years Fleur had tried to pry the recipe from Molly. At first, newly-married and much mellower after the war, she had asked politely. Molly had turned her down gracefully – although not too sincerely.

"There's no real recipe, dear. It's a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Flour, salt, meat filling..."

"But how much of each?" Fleur had asked. She herself was a very good cook, especially of elaborate French dishes, and Molly’s speciality should have been as easy as, well, pie.

"I truly don't measure anything, dear," Molly answered sweetly. "Besides, you children have me to make it, so why worry?" And she'd shooed Fleur out of the kitchen.

Throughout the years, Fleur had tried many times to get the recipe, without any success. It irked her that she was able to make the best Béarnaise sauce in the world and she couldn't master the exact taste of Molly's meat pie. Bill told her that her pies "were excellent, almost as good as mum's." And it was that almost that killed Fleur.

She had to know how to make that damn pie! At one point she had stooped so low as to owl Molly and ask for the recipe, lying that Bill was hankering for his mother’s cooking. Molly replied at once, telling her to wait about thirty minutes. While Fleur was wondering what she was supposed to wait for, a second owl came swooping through the open window at Shell Cottage, bearing a huge meat pie with the note, "For Bill, from Mum."


One year, after many fruitless attempts at getting the recipe, Fleur decided to go for an attack. By then the sisters-in-law all were aware that Mum Weasley would never share the recipe for her meat pie with anyone in the family. After Fleur had related her failures, Audrey, Percy's shy, and pregnant,wife, told Molly that she had a craving for the pie and could Mum Weasley possibly give Audrey the recipe so she could make it at home?

Thirty minutes later, Audrey saw the owl coming with the pie.

Angelina was told point blank that she'd better play Quidditch and leave the cooking to her mother-in-law. Hermione got a similar answer, Molly telling her maybe a bit too sweetly that important members of the Magical Law Enforcement group were above cooking humble meat pies. Both Angelina and Hermione were fine with Molly’s response – they were both passable cooks who had no desire to bake pies, but they had felt that in-law solidarity demanded that they try at least.

Ginny, asked by her sisters-in-law to get the recipe, was also spurned by her mother. "You'll get it when I'm too old to make it," Molly said. "And not a second before . And then you pass it on to Lily. It's a family tradition."

Ginny's personal opinion was that cooking was the worst thing ever invented. She announced that, when her mother was too old to make the pie – which she didn't even like that much – she would give the recipe gladly to anyone who wanted it.

Fleur was grateful for the offer, but, after so many years, she wanted the recipe now! Everyone agreed that Molly was unreasonable, but they also knew there was nothing they could do about it. They all would have to wait. And, frankly, the only one who had an issue with the pie was Fleur. Everyone else was perfectly happy to wait until Molly made it.


Victoire was the apple of Molly's eye. Not only was she the first grandchild, she was Bill's daughter – and Bill was everything Molly ever expected a son to be. Everyone suspected that he was her favorite, and it followed logically that his child would have that special place in Molly's heart.

It also helped a lot that Victoire had her mother's amazing good looks, but a crown of Weasley red hair. She was as well-mannered as her aunt Gabrielle and, from a very tender age, she was a perfect little lady. While her cousins, boys and girls, gathered outside to play rough games, Victoire preferred to be inside with Molly, learning how to knit. For one Christmas, grandmother and grandchild surprised the family with matching sets of jumpers and mittens, the latter being Victoire's contribution.

So, banking on the closeness of her daughter and her mother-in-law, Fleur dealt a low blow: she engaged Victoire's help to get the recipe from Molly's secret stash. She knew that Victoire, despite being all sweetness and light on the surface, had inherited a little mischievous streak from her uncles Fred and George. Nobody else had realised it, since the rest of the Weasley clan had mischievousness to spare, but Fleur knew her daughter very well. A little bit of cajoling, plus the promise that she would be able to go out with Teddy on her own at night without a chaperone, were enough for Victoire to agree to anything.


Victoire came home brandishing a small piece of parchment.

"Here, Maman. I copied it from Grandma's recipe book while she was pottering in the garden," she said.

"Chérie!" Fleur hugged and kissed Victoire. "You are the best!"

Victoire disengaged herself from the maternal hugging and asked, "So now I can go to the Weird Sisters show with Teddy on Easter Sunday?"

Fleur wrinkled her nose. A lot of things happened during those concerts. Victoire was barely seventeen, and therefore, unfortunately, of age, as she constantly reminded her parents. But, as far as Fleur was concerned, a little too young to...

Well, to do anything. Fleur didn't even want to think about it. And she was sure that Bill was even more determined to keep Victoire's virtue intact for a while longer. He wouldn't be too happy to hear that she had promised to let fiendish Teddy, who devoured Victoire with his eyes in her parents' presence to be alone with their angelic little girl.

"To a concert?" Fleur sounded shocked.

"You promised," Victoire answered with a pout.

"I don't remember promising to let you go to a concert."

"What's the difference, Maman? There will be lots of people there. And Teddy is coming to Grandma's for Easter anyway." She held her mother's hand. "And you can make your pie, which I know will be better than hers. You are a better cook, after all."

Fleur decided she would handle Bill later on. After Victoire left for the concert, she would make sure that Bill wouldn't even have time to think about Teddy and his precious daughter.


Early on Easter morning, Fleur was busy making a few pies to take to The Burrow, plus a little one for Bill's breakfast, as a test. She had checked the recipe a few days earlier, to make sure she had all the ingredients. She did; and she was pleased that she’d been able to make a fair guess at the components of Molly’s pie. She just didn't understand why hers didn't taste exactly like Molly's – or even better. She was definitely a better cook.

And then she got to the last line. There, in Victoire's tiny handwriting, was the missing ingredient. Molly's recipe called for a generous sprinkling of concentrated oyster powder right before baking.

Concentrated oyster powder? Fleur wrinkled her brows. In a meat pie? That was a strange addition, and, if Victoire herself hadn't copied the recipe, she would think that someone was trying to sabotage her. But she knew that Victoire wouldn't do such a thing, so she went out to Diagon Alley to buy some concentrated oyster powder.

The grocer didn't have it, so she went to the specialty shop where she bought her fine French spices. He also told her he didn't have any. Actually, he told her he'd never heard of it.

Fleur was feeling very put out. If it was something so rare, how come Molly found it so easily? She was about to go into Muggle London to try and find it, when she passed by the Apothecary. She went inside to buy some potion for cramps and while waiting for it, she was forced to answer the inane questions of the woman behind the counter.

"Do you also want something for headaches, dear?" the woman asked obsequiously, obviously thinking that Fleur's scowl was due to pain.

"No, I'm fine.’ And then, worried that she might seem rude, Fleur added, “I'm just a bit befuddled. I'm looking for something I can't find anywhere. An ingredient for a meat pie."

"What's it?" the woman asked curiously.

"Concentrated oyster powder," Fleur said, fishing for the payment in her pouch.

"I have it," the lady said.

"You do?"

"Of course." She smiled in a way that would have been lecherous, if she hadn’t been so old. "How much do you need, dear?"

"A generous sprinkling for three pies."

The old woman cackled. "Hungry men, yeah?"

"Yes. My husband and my in-laws."

The woman brought a small bag. "Here, dear, this is the best kind." She winked. "Don't use it sparingly. The more the better."

Fleur was relieved that the old woman knew all about Molly's secret ingredient, and she thanked her. She would be very generous with the sprinkling.


The Shell Cottage Weasleys arrived a little late at the Burrow on Easter Sunday bearing three huge pies. Fleur was flustered and Bill had the smuggest grin on his face. Victoire, Dominique and Louis had that look that children sport when they have to wait for their parents for a long time.

"Maman gave Daddy a bit of pie for breakfast and, after that, he pulled her into their bedroom and they stayed there for hours," Victoire whispered to her cousins.

"And they would still be there if we hadn’t threatened to break down the door," Louis added. He had wanted to arrive early to play with his cousins.

Dominique rolled her eyes as she saw her father pinching her mother's buttocks.

"Mum," Bill said out loud, "Fleur made your meat pies, and they are delicious." He half-turned to Charlie, who had brought his good friend Viktor to share an English Easter lunch. "They're actually better than mum's," he said, not too softly.

Molly frowned and her mood deteriorated dramatically. "Well, let's all sit down and eat, since it took Fleur such a long time to make the pies." She set her own pies next to Fleur's. They looked similar, although Fleur's seemed to glow, if food could glow. They looked almost alive, exuding some sort of emotion.

The Weasleys were served with the good food. Molly hesitated, but, diplomatic at least, she gave everyone a slice of both her and Fleur’s pies. The grandchildren, all of whom abhorred the meat pie, no matter who had made it, were given roast beef, and went to eat in the kitchen, as far away from adult supervision as possible.

Charlie took a tentative bite of Fleur's pie and smacked his lips. He took another bite and edged closer to Viktor. Viktor, who had finished his slice of Molly's pie, raised an eyebrow. He liked the idea of Charlie edging closer to him, but in front of his family? The Weasleys thought that Charlie was straight and didn't suspect that he and Viktor were much more than friends. To disguise his uneasiness with Charlie's proximity, he took a bite of Fleur's pie.

It was much, much better than Molly's, and he felt a strange desire to touch Charlie's red hair. He tousled it affectionately, then let his hand caress Charlie's neck. Charlie moaned with a mouth full of pie, and Viktor immediately jumped away, terrified how the family might react to this display of intimacy.

He needn't have worried. The adults now were all touching each other inappropriately, and moaning as they did so. Viktor only had time to see prudish Percy slide his hand under Audrey's robes before Charlie pulled him into a deep kiss.

"Arthur!" Molly cried out when her husband stuck his hand inside her blouse and started kneading her breasts. She looked around to see if anyone had spotted him, and gasped.

Bill had lifted Fleur's robes and had his hands inside her knickers. Audrey was already bare bottomed and Percy! No mother should be a witness to her son's erection, Molly was sure of that. Angelina and George were making out on the floor; bookish Hermione, rutting with Ron, was ordering him to go faster. Even her Ginny – she had mounted Harry and, if Molly didn't know better, she would have sworn that her daughter was fucking her son-in-law, not the other way around.

But, worst of all, Viktor and Charlie were in their underwear, although that skimpy state of undress wouldn't last long, the way they were tugging at each other's pants.

Arthur was pulling Molly to the living-room sofa and she managed to ask right before he succeeded, "Fleur! What did you put in those pies?"

Eyes closed, her lower body thrusting frantically into Bill's hands, Fleur gasped. "Your secret ingredient. Concentrated oyster powder."

"Concentrated oyster powder? I don't know what that is. I use concentrated oyster mushroom powder."

Hermione, ever the know-it-all, stopped bossing Ron just long enough to inform, "Oyster powder is a powerful aphrodisiac."


Luckily the children were having a rowdy Easter dinner of their own, in which a lot of food fights were lost and won, and Teddy and Victoire managed to snog freely. Nobody ever saw what happened in the dining-room. A little bit later, the several Mrs Weasleys and the one Mrs Potter staggered into the kitchen with the remains of the dinner.

There was only one slice of Fleur's pie left over, the one that Molly had refused to eat.

The adults left and Teddy, still hungry as the growing boy he was, decided to try the pie. Although the other children made faces at him, he downed it in a couple of mouthfuls.

It was very good indeed. And he suddenly had a hunch that he and Victoire should leave right there and then for the concert. She agreed happily and was very pleased to see that all the adults were sleeping in the living-room. She frowned curiously when she saw that her uncle Charlie's head was lying on his friend's Viktor chest. Strange. But they looked very cute like that.


She and Teddy never made it to the concert. But they had much more fun.


From that year on, Fleur baked her special pies for her in-laws on the occasion of their wedding anniversaries or whenever they requested it. A special one was sent to Romania quite frequently.

Nobody could make a meat pie like Fleur.
15th October 2009 12:05
Oh that was marvelous. I love Molly's closely guarded secret recipe and of course Fleur's clear improvement of it! *vbg* Had to snicker at Ginny/Harry-naughty things. Excellent work.
16th October 2009 00:22
Yay! I'm so glad you liked it.

Thank you.
15th October 2009 14:47
This is the first time I've read one of your stories. And it was lovely!
Great job. Now I've got to go back and find more of your work.
16th October 2009 00:23
I'm delighted that you liked it - and pardon me for pimping, but all my stories are unlocked at [info]lee_writes.
15th October 2009 20:54
LMAO ! Now we need some art for that dinner scene! ;O) Great work.
16th October 2009 00:24
That would be wonderful - I can't draw to save my life, but I, too, would love to see the best Easter dinner the Weasleys ever had :D
16th October 2009 04:41
LOL! I loved the narrative voice of this--it made it move very quickly. Loved Fleur's (and Molly's) determination. Very fun! :)
16th October 2009 10:33
People can be very protective of their recipes :D

Thanks - glad you liked it.
16th October 2009 19:54
*snicker* This was fun.
17th October 2009 04:51
Glad you had a laugh :D
17th October 2009 04:17
Ahahaha, what a way for Charlie to come out to his family, eh? It's a bit of a pyrrhic victory for Fleur, since one of the consequences was the loss of her daughter's virtue... not that it would have lasted much longer anyway. >:) Hilarious work. :P
17th October 2009 04:52
Well, at least he only had to come out once...

No, Victoire's virtue was hanging by a thread - or may even have be already gone by then, who knows?
25th October 2009 20:35
That was hilarious and delightful! *giggles*
Very funny. *g* Poor Molly. Outsmarted and out cooked. :)
27th October 2009 00:44
She really hated being outcooked.

Glad you liked it.
12th November 2009 01:20
haha, LOVE it, what a cute story and yay for Fleur's deviousness!!
12th November 2009 02:27
Thank you!

I guess that Fleur won in the end.
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9th December 2010 03:47
You know how much I love your stories, but somehow over the years I missed this one-- and oh, I'm so sorry I did. I think this one ties with an old Valensmut story as my absolute favorite of all.


You are most brilliant, darling.
11th December 2010 01:22
Crack in its pure and crazy form :)

Thank you, darling. This made me feel very good. I have been really negligent with fandom lately. Actually, with writing in general.

Very happy holidays to you!
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