Title: The Boggart in the Wardrobe
Author: westernredcedar
Characters: Remus/Severus
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: semi-public sex, sit-com level comedy
Themes/kinks chosen: Claustrophilia
Word Count: ~2300
Summary: Remus was tired of Severus avoiding him, but he didn’t mean for them to get this close. Fun with PoA-era canon.
Author's notes: This is my first post here as a new member! Hooray! Thank you to the mods for the invite, and to blpaintchart for the beta.


“Remove your hand this instant unless you wish to lose it.” Severus was backed up against the staff table, face flushed, lips pinched into the thinnest of lines.

“Any hex you aim at my hand now will hurt you more than it will hurt me,” Remus replied with a smirk, fisting Severus’s stiffening prick through layers of black fabric. He resisted the urge to wink.

Severus had been avoiding him since Remus had arrived at Hogwarts two days ago. Considering that the last time they had seen each other, two weeks previous, Remus had left Severus naked and contentedly puffing on a post-coital fag in Room 12 at the King and Bishop Inn, this avoidance seemed rather ludicrous. Remus had had enough glimpses of that swirl of black robes striding off in the other direction to drive him mad, so he had hidden in the corridor after breakfast and watched until Severus entered the staff room, then sneaked in behind him and shut the door.

“Not here,” Severus snarled, still unable to extricate himself from Remus’s grasp.

“Why not?”

“This is my workplace, Lupin, not a bloody Muggle inn,” Severus replied.

“It’s my workplace too now, you know,” Remus said, running his lips over Severus’s jaw.

“I asked you not to take the position.”

“Too much of a distraction, is it, having me in this position?” Remus asked with a smile, giving Severus’s prick a firm tug.

Remus watched Severus suppress a moan and his dark eyes fluttered closed for a moment before he snapped, “Precisely,” and shoved Remus away.

Remus stumbled back from Severus, who was still leaning against the table, robes askew, breathing heavily. “All right then, Professor, I’ll be off to turn in my resignation.” Remus lowered his voice to a raspy purr. “After all, there could not be any possible benefit to my living a mere staircase away from you for ten months of the year.” He didn’t move, just raised his brows and waited a foot away from Severus’s warm body, not touching him, not moving. They stood frozen for a long moment.

The muscle at Severus’s jaw pulsed, and his dark eyes were locked with Remus’s. He let out a long sigh, rolled his eyes and muttered, “Fuck you, Lupin,” before lunging forward off the table, grabbing at Remus’s hair and pulling him into a deep, hard kiss. They teetered backwards and crashed into the large wardrobe against the far wall, Severus’s weight pressing Remus’s spine into the knob on the cabinet.

“Ow!” Remus broke off the kiss with a laugh.

“Shut it.” Severus crushed his mouth against Remus’s again, and Remus let himself get lost in the depths, the soul-stirring, body-shaking depths of Severus’s kiss. Until…

“…the…doorknob…Severus…” Remus sputtered.

“…is jabbing into your back and making you suffer just enough for failing to listen to me,” Severus murmured, looking at Remus with a dangerous glimmer in his eyes.

Remus’s gaze, however, was directed over Severus’s shoulder towards the door to the corridor, and he flailed his arms, tying to point. “…no…sod, Severus, the other knob…is turning. The door! Someone is coming in!”

Severus whipped his head around, sending a cascade of stringy hair into Remus’s open mouth.

“Fuck.”

Spitting hair, Remus instinctively reached behind his back and pulled open the wardrobe door. He fell backwards into the small, dark space, and pulled Severus with him, closing the door behind them just as the click and scrape of the main door opening echoed through the large room.

Voices filtered into the wardrobe.

“…an excellent idea for a field study, Charity.” That was Dumbledore’s voice.

The female voice replying was quiet and difficult to hear, but Remus thought he heard, “They will learn so much at a Muggle football match…”

“It could also be an opportunity for the students to attempt some simple Charms in public, Headmaster, if we can obtain special Ministry permission.” That high, nasal voice was Flitwick.

Fuck, there were three of them.

In the dark of the cupboard, Severus’s warm breath hissed in Remus’s ear. “This, Lupin. This is why I did not want you to take the job.”

“Shh,” Remus replied.

They were cocooned amongst the extra teaching robes that had accumulated in the wardrobe over the years, layers of black wool filling most of the space in the musty cupboard. The air was stale and close and Remus’s heart was still pounding from the close call. His chest was heaving, and the woolen air of the wardrobe was warm and unsatisfying to breathe.

The conversation out in the staff room was continuing unabated, and the loud drag of wooden chair legs on hard stone seemed to indicate that their three colleagues were having a seat to stay for a while.

“Oh hell,” murmured Severus. His head was nestled into Remus’s shoulder.

It was at that moment that Remus calmed down enough to realize that his entire body was crushed up against Severus, and that their arms were tangled around each other, and that Severus’s bony leg was jammed between his thighs. There was simply no room in the wardrobe to be otherwise.

“We seem to be trapped,” he whispered into Severus’s hair.

“Brilliant observation, Lupin,” Severus snapped. Remus smiled into the darkness. The bitter tone was not very convincing when they were crushed up against each other and Severus’s straining erection was jammed into Remus’s thigh.

Remus allowed his hand to drift down and cup Severus’s arse.

“What the hell are you doing?” hissed Severus.

“Shh, they’ll hear us,” Remus said. He leaned in, one ear still tuned into Flitwick blabbering on about practical Charms practice as his lips searched for Severus in the woolly dark. He landed on Severus’s nose first, so he kissed down the crooked slope until he found his thin mouth, lips pinched closed.

“Don’t you find this at all exciting?” Remus whispered against Severus’s lips.

“No.”

“Ah.”

Remus kissed him again, gently licking his tongue along the iron gate of Severus’s mouth.

“This will not work, wolf,” Severus muttered through his teeth.

Remus gave up on the stubborn mouth and let his lips wander down Severus’s jaw. He'd have to play dirty; he knew Severus's weaknesses. He sucked on the soft skin below his ear, and felt Severus’s body relax slightly and melt against him. Encouraged, Remus tugged up on Severus’s robes, gently raising the heavy fabric, rasping it against its identical siblings hanging in the cupboard. The build up of static charge generated tiny shocks on Remus's skin.

“Lupin…”

“Oh, give it a rest, Severus, we're fine,” Remus whispered, sneaking up to nibble on his ear lobe.

Severus groaned at that, just a bit too loudly.

Out in the staffroom, Flitwick’s monologue came to an abrupt halt.

“Did you hear something, Headmaster?”

Remus did not think it was possible for anyone mashed into a cupboard to move as quickly as Severus did at that moment, somehow grappling his wand from his sleeve and casting a muttered locking spell on the wardrobe door in less that a heartbeat.

"No, I did not, Filius. What was it?" Dumbledore responded.

There was a pause, and Flitwick replied, "Nothing, sir. I must have been hearing things," and both Remus and Severus let out a long sighs of relief.

"You see?" Remus whispered. "They have no idea we are here." He nipped his teeth along the hot skin of Severus's throat.

Whether it was Remus's assurances, Dumbledore proclaiming his ignorance, or being unable to ignore the stiffy that still jutted against Remus's leg, Severus gave in and crushed his lips against Remus's in a hard, demanding kiss, pulling at Remus's hair and almost toppling them into the side wall of the cramped space.

"Fuck...it's hot in here..." Remus muttered as the friction between their bodies and the surrounding wool suddenly increased.

"You started it," Severus hissed in return, shoving Remus back far enough to get his hands up under his robe and shirt, the warm touch of Severus's fingers sending more tiny shocks of static and pleasure through Remus's skin.

Severus grappled at Remus's trousers, almost knocking his elbows into the walls of the cupboard with each button opened. Remus had no room to free his own arms from behind Severus, so he contented himself with continuing to inch up Severus's voluminous robes until he could slide his hands beneath the waistband of his trousers and cup the warm skin of Severus's arse. He caught Severus's mouth in another deep kiss, this one softer and hungrier than the last, full of promise.

"Can you turn around?" Remus asked when they finally broke off the kiss.

"Turn around? Are you mad?" Severus muttered in reply.

"I want you to turn around, lean into those robes, pull down your trousers, and let me fuck you while they are still sitting out there debating the curriculum," Remus said in the quietest of whispers, and then bit at Severus's lip, hard. "So, yes."

Severus did not reply, but his breathing hitched, and in the closeness of the wardrobe, Remus could feel the other man's rapid heartbeat echo in his own chest.

After a long moment breathing together in the dark, Severus muttered, "Bloody fucking hell, Lupin," and then started the slow, careful dance of silently turning around in the cramped cupboard. As he moved, his entire body brushed in an agonizing tease against Remus, and the air crackled with static. Remus's hands remained under the waistband of Severus's trousers as he turned, and the soft skin of his hips and belly ran under his fingers.

Remus was not sure he would last until Severus finished his rotation.

"Hurry."

"Fuck you, wolf."

Remus's hands ended up in perfect position to unbutton Severus's trousers and tug them down to the top of his thighs. His hot, stiff prick nestled firmly in the warm crack of Severus's arse.

"Oh, Gods..." Remus moaned, and Severus elbowed him, hard.

"Shh!"

"I need...you...now..." Remus muttered, and he could hear Severus murmuring their favorite preparation spell under his breath. Remus wriggled one arm free and manged to force it between their two bodies so that he could position his prick at Severus's arse. He leaned in and with his other hand dug through the mass of robes to grab hold of Severus's leaking prick.

"Ready?" he murmured in Severus ear. A short nod was all he needed and he pushed into the sticky heat of Severus's arse.

"Shhhhh," Severus repeated, even though neither of them had made a sound.

The angle was odd and the press of scratchy wool was uncomfortable, but something about being unable to move was getting Remus hotter and harder than he had been in months. He was desperate to thrust and pound into Severus, but he couldn't without making a racket, he could only ease back and forth in a slow, shallow tease, Severus's tight arse tempting him in. If the state of Severus's arousal was any indication, the confined space was working for him as well. His cock was dripping, hot, and hard in Remus's grip.

"I...can't...move...so...slow..."

"Just...fucking...fuck me...Lupin..."

Remus could not stand the careful quiet anymore, and Severus's demand pushed him over the edge. Who gave a damn about his colleagues? He pressed his free hand against the robes in front of Severus, kicked back one foot against the wall of the cupboard behind him for leverage, and gave in to his body, thrusting deep and slamming his elbows and knees and arse into the walls of the cupboard. He brought Severus to orgasm with a few hard strokes, then grabbed Severus's hips and followed him into oblivion.

The entire wardrobe shook violently as Remus came, the rattle and rock echoing against the cold stones of the staff room. Remus collapsed onto Severus, their two bodies pressed together into the hot cocoon of wool surrounding them.

There was a worried shout and then the loud scrape of chairs as their colleagues jumped up at the unexpected sounds.

"There it is again!"

"There does seem to be something in there, Filius."

"I heard it as well!"

The handle of the door rattled. Severus froze, and Remus pulled an old robe over them in a pathetic attempt to hide. However, Severus's locking spell held.

"I cannot get the door open."

"Something's locked itself in there."

"Hmm. Boggart, do you suppose, Headmaster?"

"Most likely. We shall have to go and find our new dark creatures expert. He'll surely want to have a look. Perhaps Remus will be able to use it with his classes. I believe Boggarts are a part of the...third year curriculum, is it?"

"That's right, Albus."

Remus could feel the stiff body in front of him relax slightly.

"Can't think of the last time we had a Boggart in the staff room!" That was Charity's cheerful voice.

"Not since that Halloween when Minerva found one, and she ran in to tell us all that Dumbledore had closed the school permanently and her teaching license was revoked, remember...?"

The voices were retreating, and at last Remus heard the scrape and slam of the door and then a blessed, perfect silence.

Suddenly, it was impossible to breathe in the stale air of the wardrobe. Remus threw open the door and inhaled deeply, and he felt Severus's chest expand as well. He fell back to take in bigger gulps of air. Severus stood up and pushed his way out the door.

"That was bloody stupid," Severus said as he hitched up his trousers and strode back into the room.

"It certainly was," Remus agreed, following him out, buttoning up.

Severus spun around, his dark eyes flashing, and Remus could see the confusion he had generated by agreeing, for once.

"What?"

Remus grabbed Severus by the shoulders and planted a smacking kiss on his lips. Somehow, though, with a twist of his mouth and a few flicks of his tongue, Severus transformed the smack into a deep, long kiss that belied his cavalier attitude to the entire proceedings. Remus fell into the kiss, hands tangling in Severus's mussed hair, body still tingling with shocks and satisfaction. Yes, working at Hogwarts was going to make for an interesting year.

Suddenly, he thought of something and pulled back. "Shite, Severus."

"What, Lupin? This enormous room not good enough for you anymore? Only musty cupboards will do?" Severus snarled, hands still caught in Remus's hair.

"No, no. We're in a muddle now. Where the fuck are we going to find a Boggart to put in that wardrobe?"