: Of Memory, Moon, and MeaningAuthor
: Were!DracoKinks chosen
: Rimming with RimmulusWord Count
: Draco recovers from an accident, and learns something about the man caring for him—and about himself.Author's notes
: I’ve wanted to do were!Draco for a while now, so this was my opportunity to do so. I only touch on the idea, unfortunately, but with Severus, I hate torturing him too much, so I wanted to keep it to a minimum. I actually used two of the prompts, but I can’t seem to find the other now… Great thanks to Ceria for looking this over for me. Hope people enjoy.Standing by their bed, I watch as they sleep. They seem so peaceful. Despite what the memory charm I have just used on them. If they could remember, he would glower and threaten, and she would wail and cling. Instead, they will remember nothing but that I am safe and happy--somewhere else.
Things are better this way, and I know it. But I cannot resist a last glance at both of them, knowing I will likely never see them again.
I step outside the room, and then, I am elsewhere. Everything is black. There's a bag in my hand, and I clutch it tightly, my only solace in a dark world. But suddenly the world is bright. I can't see from the light, and try to look away, but then there is the shout and the screech of tires, and...
I wake as I have for the last several days, shaken and scared. He is there by my bed, as always, and I can't help but feel relieved. I know that most would be scared by him. He's not a pretty man. His nose is overlarge, his black hair lank with an unhealthy shine that makes me think he washes it only rarely. Then there is his tendency to glare at most any comment, but for some reason, that only tends to make me smile. But then, he always seems to manage that, no matter what he does.
I have no idea why, but it's true.
He watches me all the time. There are few times that I wake and he is not here. I wonder if it is because of the accident, or for other reasons. But aside from his scowls, he's rather inscrutable.
Still, I can't help but wonder who he is to me. He's not fond of answering my questions. Either because he thinks I should know already, or because he doesn't like the answer. Sometimes both, I think.
When I woke the first time, he told me my name was Draco. I laughed at that. "Draco? That's not a name, that's a constellation!" Don't ask how I could remember that, but not the fact that it was apparently my name. It just felt... wrong
Of course, when he told me his own name, mine seemed slightly less odd. Snape. As in snappish, snarky...rude. It fits him rather well. But sometimes I linger on the s. As though I know there is more to his name, but I am not sure what it would be. All that ever comes to me is the S of his last name.
He feeds me potions, calls me a fool, then offers me tea to settle my stomach. He refuses to engage in what he terms "petty small talk." I ask him periodically when he says that if there are other forms of small talk, and whether I might have a better chance with those, but he always ignores the joke.
And before I know it, I'm falling asleep again. I’m in the large sitting room. They’re all there, but I can’t look at them. Slitted red eyes hold mine fast.
“You failed. You must pay. No one will defy me.”
Red eyes become yellow. Fetid breath. The pain is always intense. There is a flash of pointed teeth, and a cry.
It is my own cry that wakes me, though in the back of my mind, I am sure the one in the dream is hers
. I am not sure who she
is, though she looks much like the woman in my dreams of the accident. I think she may be someone important, but when I ask Snape, he never answers that one. He seems sad at that—for him, at least. I can’t help but wonder if she is dead.
It is always harder to fall asleep after that one. Something deep inside me seems scared to let go. As though there is something inside me that knows something, or worse, that it is simply waiting to be released.
Snape seems to know this, and when I’ve woken from one of those dreams, he always retrieves the chessboard, so we can play. Sometimes it only takes a single game before I’m able to drop off to sleep. Other times…I can’t seem to stop watching his face. Or his hands. His fingers are so hypnotic.
It’s after that sort of distraction that I usually have the other kind of dream.He’s smiling, and I know he does so with no one else.
His fingers are undoing my robe. I’m too busy with his trousers to help, but the distraction is worth it, as soon we are both naked, and I drop to my knees to take him in my mouth. The size of him means I can only manage the tip and a bit more, but my hand strokes over him as I lick and suck. He makes no sound, but when I look up at him, I can see those dark eyes watching me.
Before I can do much more, I’m suddenly on my back, and he is perched over me. I know he hates not having full control, so I smile and open my legs wider, inviting him to take what he wants. And then…
I roll to face away from where he is sitting after those dreams. In many ways, they shake me more than the other two. Because he is real. Here. The others…for all I know, they may simply be delusions--nightmares. But if he knew how much I wanted what was in those dreams…
I stir fitfully before turning back to look at him to hear the question he always asks. "What is it, Snape?"
"Are you all right?”
I always nod, and he takes me at my word, but I think he knows there is something bothering me. I’m grateful he doesn’t push. I don't know what I would say. What if it is nothing more than a dream, as I hope the others are? What if he were to laugh at me, or worse, call me a child? He seems content to allow me my space, at least.
There are other dreams, too. Dreams of fire and crowns and brooms and of moons and pain. Hot and cold, fear and sadness…and he is always there for me when I wake.
When the first moon approaches after my accident, and he hands me a potion, I know. There’s no need to explain what it’s for. I can feel the pull of the moon inside me. And I know I won’t be able to fight it. I don’t want to take the potion, but if I do not, I could hurt him, and that I will not do if I can help it. No matter how foul the concoction I have to take is.
I’ve still got a slight limp, so he has to help me walk to the room where I will transform. And worse, I cannot wear my clothes, because the change or the wolf will shred them. It would not be so bad if I had not had the dreams, but having him here, watching as I disrobe to make sure I don’t fall and hurt myself… I flush all over, avoiding his eyes as best I can.
"I will be back when the moon sets, Draco."
"Thank you," I manage to whisper. Then I settle carefully in front of the lit fireplace, waiting for the change.
When it occurs, the pain from my dream comes back tenfold as my body twists upon itself for what feels an eternity, and after, I lay panting, my brain fuzzy.
I look around, not recognizing the place, then, sniffing the air, I pad to the door and scratch at it. There is a familiar smell there. He ignores me as I continue to scratch, soft whines and whimpers coming from me as he continues to avoid me. Why won't he let me see him? Where am I?
Finally, I settle against the door, curled up on the floor, and fall asleep.He is there, hand in my fur.
"It is my fault. I'm sorry you were punished. But when this is over, I will do whatever it takes, Draco."
My ears perk, and I lean against him. This is comfort, more than anything else. I try to lick him, but he shies away, and chastised, I settle for putting my head in his lap. If this is all I can have for now, it is enough for me.
I wake to pain tearing through me once more, and, as I lay, panting and naked on the cold wood floor, I feel cloth settle about my shoulders. When he picks me up, I cling to him. "Hurts."
"I know." He says nothing more as he carries me to my room, and places me gently on the bed, tucking me in before handing me what I recognize as the same pain potion he's been giving me for my injuries from the accident.
I take it, settling with a wince into my pillows, then look at him, hundreds of questions rushing to my tongue at the memory that had come to me in my sleep as a wolf. But again, I can't be sure it was a memory. Perhaps it was just the wolf, wishing that was how it had been. How can I be sure?
But there is one thing I am certain of. "You're scared of me." He snorts, but I persist. "As a wolf. You're terrified. I would never bite you, Sev..." The name slips off my tongue without thought, and the recognition of it leaves me breathless. "Severus. That's your name, isn't it?" I hadn't been sure of how well he'd known me before the accident, but now... "We know each other quite well, don't we?"
He looks about ready to deny it, then nods. "I am a friend of your family."
Before, I wouldn't have pushed, but now... "No. That's not what I mean. Before...this...punishment of mine. We were..." I lick my lips, nervous. What if he denies it? Severus can be quite cutting when he wishes. "Lovers?"
The reaction is an infinitesimal widening of his eyes, then he turns away. "Dear lord, Draco. Why didn't you tell me the potions were causing hallucinations?"
"Stop it. Don't. Please don't pretend. I thought it was just...me. Dreams. But it's not, is it?"
There is a sour look on his face when he turns back to me, taking the vial from my hand and crossing the room to set it on the dresser. "I did not think you remembered anything--from before."
"I don't...know...for sure. Only...some things. Feelings, mostly. Like the fact that you make me feel safe."
Severus looks quite displeased by that, and I wonder why, but I don't ask, nor does he explain. "Sleep. We can talk later."
I know he's putting me off, but I'm tired, so I don't argue, slipping into sleep once more now that the pain potion has numbed the worst of what the moon has caused.Hands stroke me as he presses into me, his lips on my neck.
"Breathe, Draco. I don't want to hurt you."
I shake my head. "Doesn't hurt," I gasp. It's a lie. I feel as though I'm going to rip apart. But I want it. I try to breathe, but all I can seem to manage is shallow breaths. If I'm going to die, I want this first. Have wanted it for so long... "Don't stop. Don't ever stop."
He doesn't. Not until the world fractures around me.
I wake crying out his name, and he mistakes the cry for fear. I take advantage, clinging to him. "Just...please...don't let go." I can feel that I've come all over myself, but I don't want to deal with that right now. I need him too much. "Why don't you ever touch me, if you can help it?" I pull back to meet his eyes.
"Is it...because of the wolf?"
It's obvious he doesn't want to answer, but after a moment, he nods. "I...had a bad experience when I was in school. It is not you."
"If I weren't...would you..." I lick my lips. "Would you kiss me?"
He pulled away from me at that. "Draco, that is...not a good idea."
"Why not?" I shake my head, knowing this is a fight I cannot win right now, and change tactics. "Did it happen? Please...if it's a memory... I'd like to cherish it the way it deserves." He seems about to deny it again, so I talk over him to keep him from doing so. "In my dream..." I close my eyes. "Its perfect."
The touch of his hand on mine makes me open my eyes. "It was only the once," he says slowly. "I had told you it could not continue. Not while you were home with your parents. And then..."
I felt my stomach drop. "I was 'punished?'"
He nods. "My fault. If I could change it..."
"It can't be. In my dreams..." And my nightmares... "I don't blame you at all. Not in any of them."
"You don't have to blame me for it to be true, Draco. I know it was my fault. And that is all that matters."
Another argument I can't win. "Fine. So long as you know I don't. Just...Remember that, all right?"
And things go on after that as though the conversation did not happen. But now I know, and the dreams intensify.He is holding me, rocking me as I cry as though my heart is being torn from my chest.
"I've failed. He'll kill them."
"No. I will not let it happen, Draco. And if you go back and face him with me, it will not."
I look up at him. "He'll kill
"He will make an example of you. But you still have uses. He will not kill you, Draco. I promise that."
"How can you know? What if...?"
"No. You cannot let the doubts cripple you, Draco."
“Severus…” I look up at him, trying to decide how best to phrase my words so that he can’t say no. “Just…in case…if…he does…”
“But if he does. I don’t want to die without…” I swallow. He’s going to say no. I know it. “Please, Severus. Would you…I want to know what it feels like to have…sex.”
I flush as I wake, embarrassed at having to ask so pitifully. Had he only done it because of my fear? “Severus?”
He looks up from the book he was reading, an eyebrow raised. I fleetingly wonder if his expression is his way of trying to keep from further conversations like the one we had before I fell asleep.
It won’t work, though. “It happened. Didn’t it? Please…”
He sighs and puts down the book. “Draco, the subject is closed.”
“No. Only…” I can feel a blush spread across my cheeks. “Only if you tell me you did not wish it.” He opens his mouth. “And mean it,” I interrupt before he can lie.
He glares, but I know that means I guessed right. “Very well. It happened.”
“Did it…mean something to you?”
“Please… You don’t understand. My whole life has been fractured, and…all I can remember are snippets, and you’re the only one who can help me make sense of them. Especially this.”
With a scowl, he stands, looking down at me. “I took advantage of a foolish and scared boy. And I convinced him to return to our Master’s side to prevent my own punishment. I am the one who should be suffering in your stead. You should hate me, Draco.” And with that, he leaves, and I lose myself in thoughts that once more turn into dreams.The Great Hall. Mother and father to either side of me as we wait for the Aurors to collect us. Its over.
Potter stops them before they can drag us away. "No. They're fine."
I'm astonished, but once they turn away, he nods at mother, then turns to leave. "Potter, wait," I call out.
He turns back to me, suspicious. "What, Malfoy?"
"Have you... Have they already taken Severus?" Father's hand tightens on my shoulder, but the look on Potter's face--sadness, pity--it's too much. I stumble back against father. "No." I feel like I'm breaking. It's too much. "He can't be."
I wake with a start, and glance to Severus's chair. Empty. No. He can't have been a dream. It would be too cruel. "Severus?" I call out, hoping he will appear. But he does not. "Oh, god...no..." I drop my head into my hands. How can I survive with this curse if he is gone? "Severus...please..."
"What are you on about, Draco?"
The sound of his voice is enough to have me looking up, smiling. "You're alive!" If I could get out of bed without hurting myself, I would jump up and hug him.
He gives me a sour look. "As I was this morning when we talked. And last night, and the day before..."
"But...the battle. Potter...he and father thought you were dead."
At the words, his face closes off, the angry look going cold and calculating. "Well, they must have been mistaken, obviously."
With a rush, I know. "You were just going to leave, weren't you?"
He doesn't deny it, instead moving to the stash of potions. "You should take more of the bone-healing..."
"Answer me, damn it!"
He turns to me, scowling. "I considered it, yes. I have lived most of my life for others, Draco. Do you honestly think I want to be trapped anywhere ever again?"
"Trapped?" I feel like he's slapped me in the face. He might as well have. "Fine. Leave, then." I settle on my side, facing away from him.
I hear him sigh, then he moves to the side of my bed. "You should take the potion, Draco."
I sit up and grudgingly drink the potion, then curl around myself. "There. Now go away."
I don't recall falling asleep.
It is the first time since my accident I recall sleeping dreamlessly.
Until the pain begins. It is like the pain of the lycanthropic change, tearing through me and making me writhe and cry out. Except that the moon was only a few days ago. So what is this? When it ends, he is holding me, stroking me.
"Wha...?" I manage. "What was that?" Was this something I had to look forward to for the rest of my life?
"I don't know." The fact that Severus could admit to that terrifies me. Was there something more wrong with me? Had the accident caused something worse?
I cling to him, shaking.
"Whatever it is, Draco, we will find out." I think it was his way of assuring me he hadn't meant everything he'd said the night before. "Sleep. I'm not going anywhere."
I fall asleep with him still holding me.
In the morning, along with breakfast, he brings me a copy of the Prophet. I raise an eyebrow. It isn't part of our normal routine. When I look at the headline, I realize why he's done it. Fenrir Greyback Found Dead!
I look up at him, wide-eyed. "Dead?"
He nods, and I glance back at the news, unseeing. Could this be why I'd felt pain the night before? Because someone had killed the werewolf that had turned me?
"How are you feeling?" Severus asks warily.
"Fine. Pained, but not any more than before the moon."
Our argument of the night before seems to have faded in light of my difficulties, and we spend the day playing chess to distract us both. Conversation is subdued, but if I let myself, I can almost forget our problems.
The next weeks are filled with him helping me to walk so that I can regain my strength, and we begin to take daily slow walks around the cottage we are staying in. I don't mention the fact that I remember everything, now. Least of all that I had been doing the same as he--running away--the night I had been hit by the Muggle automobile. I also have to bite my tongue to beg him to stay. Especially since I had the perfect excuse—my Lycanthropy.
Still, the moon draws close once more, and I am mostly back to normal. I am certain he has some clue, but he says nothing. With the first potion, I know something is different.
"It doesn't taste right. Did you change it?"
He raises an eyebrow. "No. It's too delicate a potion to tinker with much."
We are both thinking it. After the reaction I'd had to Greyback's death, this seemed one of those details that were either worrisome, or a good sign. And neither of us could afford to hope right now.
I take the course of potions, then let him escort me to the room where I'd changed before. No matter what happens tonight, I know this will be my last time in this room. Either I will change and return to my parents, my injuries from the accident healed, or...I shake off the thought, even as hope rises inside me.
This time when I disrobe, I manage to hold my head high, even though he is there. Whatever was between us that one night, before I was turned, he has purposefully let it fade. Or is hiding from it. And now that I remember who I am, I cannot lower myself to beg him. I hand him my clothes, then settle in front of the fireplace and wait.
Well into the second hour, I'm sure I've missed the day. Or that something has gone terribly wrong. Because if I let myself believe it is over...
I scramble to my feet, and jiggle the knob. "Severus?"
"Draco?" His voice is astonished, but after a moment, he pulls open the door.
"What happened? Is this...real?" Even though I'm scared, hope has seeped through my guard.
"I...had hoped..." He reaches out to stroke my cheek. "It doesn't always..."
"You knew?" I'm incredulous that he could have kept a possible cure from me.
"You must understand, Draco...most die with the wolf who turns them. And those who do not..." He pulls me into a hug, and I melt against him. Cured. Whole. Or almost.
"Severus..." I look up at him.
He doesn't bother to answer verbally. Just kisses me with passion, then picks me up and carries me to my bedroom. My last thoughts before he presses me to the bed once more are that the world can wait. Mother, father... He and I deserve this peace. Happiness even, if we can find it. And I hope that we can—with each other.