Daily Deviant
- there is no such thing as 'too kinky'
Kinky Kristmas Fic: The Tipsy Werewolf and the Christmas Crackers (Snape/Lupin) 
4th December 2012 22:00
Kristmas Wish Fulfilled for: [info]centaury_squill
From: [info]islandsmoke

Title: The Tipsy Werewolf and the Christmas Crackers
Characters/Pairings: Snape/Lupin
Rating: NC-17
Kinks/Themes Included: sex toys, food smut, rimming
Other Warnings/Content: oral, anal, object insertion, AU – they lived and no Tonks
Word Count: ~2,800
Summary/Description: A mysterious package arrives from Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes.
Author's Notes: Thanks, as always, to my lovely beta, H. I hope you enjoy your gift, #13!

~~ The Tipsy Werewolf and the Christmas Crackers ~~

Remus hung the cloaks in their tiny foyer closet, then thoroughly snogged his husband.

"Oh, Severus," he grinned broadly, giving him an enthusiastic hug. "Thank you so much for coming to the Ministry party. It really meant a lot to me."

Severus gave his partner an indulgent smile as he disentangled himself. "It was worth it to see those idiots who still believe you should be a second class citizen now having to make nice to the new Head of the Department for Lycanthrope Affairs. Not to mention watching all those who were trying not to show just how terrified they were of a tipsy werewolf. I even got to thoroughly insult a number of people – in the nicest possible way, of course."

"You elevate insults to an art form," Remus laughed. "And I'm not tipsy."

"No, you're drunk. You know Werewolves can't tolerate alcohol. But I must say, it was not nearly so miserable an evening as I had anticipated." Severus smirked at the memory.

"You did seem to be actually enjoying yourself," Remus teased. "Almost every time I looked at you, you appeared to be fellating a celery stick... or a carrot… or a cucumber. Or licking dip off your fingers." He punctuated his rambling with small kisses to Severus' lips, then turned and, taking Severus' hand, led the way toward the kitchen. "And how was I to know the punch was spiked?"

"I was just trying to make things more interesting, and of course the punch was spiked," Severus followed, feeling quite relaxed and happy; he had partaken of the punch as well.

Remus stopped for a second in the doorway, and Severus almost bumped into him. Then, with a crow of delight, Remus moved forward.

"Now what have we here?" Remus reached for the tag on the brightly wrapped box that sat in the middle of the kitchen table.

"Don't touch it!"

Remus hesitated, his hand inches from the colourful paper, as he looked up to see his partner entering the room slowly, wand pointed at the package.

"It's just a Christmas present, Severus. It's not evil."

"And how did it get here?"

"Well…." Remus frowned at the box. The paper was covered in moving green and red swirls with outlines of lions and snakes cavorting and twisting about. Streamers of shining gold stars undulated about the package. The ribbon was red and green with twinkling gold stars down the centre.

"Not to mention that anything wrapped in that paper is immediately suspect."

Remus looked again. The lines of gold stars were not moving in random patterns as he had first thought. They formed and reformed intertwining 'W's all over the paper.

"Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes!" Remus exclaimed. "Ah." He looked at the package with a new scepticism.


"But that means it's fun, not dangerous," Remus sounded more hopeful than convincing.

Severus closed his eyes for a moment and summoned his inner strength. "For you, maybe."

In spite of his insistence that the package was innocent, Remus used his wand to turn over the tag so he could read it. "For Remus and Severus, Happy Christmas. No signature."

"Hm. Your name is first, so hopefully it is from one of your friends. That would make it less likely to be painful or humiliating."

Remus laughed. "Severus."

Severus smiled, just a little, in response. "Shall we open it now, or wait until tomorrow when it's actually Christmas?"


"Incorrigible," Severus mumbled with a shake of his head.

Remus reached for the ribbon, and Severus held his wand at the ready. When Remus pulled it free, it twisted its way to the ceiling where it attached itself, forming a bow. The tag became a little clump of mistletoe.

"Promising start," Remus grinned as he gave Severus a quick kiss.

"Unless it's infested with Nargles."

Remus burst out in helpless laughter, almost doubling over in his merriment.

"Why don't you put tea on first?" Severus was having trouble keeping a straight face.

"You could put the tea on." Remus suggested as he reached for the package.

"Hang on." Severus put his hand out to stop Remus, then scanned the package with his wand as Remus fairly danced with impatience.

"Hm. Low levels of silver fulminate."


Severus huffed impatiently. "Silver fulminate. A very unstable, highly explosive substance."

Remus took a step back.

"Commonly used in Christmas Crackers."

"Are you serious?" Remus' eyes widened.


"Well." Remus hesitated, then reached for the box with a cautious hand.

The paper fell away to reveal a gaily-coloured red and green box. Embossed in gold on the lid, under three entwined 'W's were the words, Personalized Christmas Crackers, especially created for Remus Lupin and Severus Snape.

"I'd feel a lot better about this if I knew who sent them." Severus nonetheless pocketed his wand.

Remus lifted the lid of the box, slowly removed star-covered tissue paper and revealed two innocent looking Christmas Crackers; one wrapped in shiny red and gold paper, and the other in shiny green and silver paper.

"Should we save them for our dinner tomorrow?" Remus seemed reluctant to ask.

"And possibly spoil a good meal?"

Remus held out the box, and Severus took the green and silver cracker. Remus lifted out the red and gold one, turning it over in his hand. It seemed ordinary enough.

"Yours first," Remus declared and held out his free hand.

Severus stiffened his spine and held up his cracker by one end. Remus took a firm grip and they pulled.

There was a loud bang, and green smoke full of sparkling silver lights filled the room. Severus shook the contents of the cracker out on the table. There was a green and black folded paper hat, a toy sword and a slip of paper.

"Hat! Hat!" cried Remus.

With a look of mock disgust, Severus unfolded the hat, which looked vaguely like a boat, and placed it on his head. Instantly, it transformed into a sailing ship with a green hull and black sails. Sitting sideways on Severus' head, it was as long as his shoulders were broad. A little pirate flag snapped in a nonexistent breeze.

Remus was overcome with a such a fit of giggles that he had tears running down his face.

Severus glanced in his reflection in the window over the sink and tried to suppress a smile. "OK, your turn." He pointed sternly at Remus' cracker.

That one went off with an equally large bang, but with a cloud of red smoke and gold sparkles. It contained a folded, red, paper hat, a toy teacup, and a slip of paper.

When unfolded and donned, the hat grew into an enormous red top hat with a card in the brim that said, "In this style, 10/6."

"Well, they got the 'mad' part right." Severus couldn't help smiling.

Remus put tea on, and they went back to the contents of the crackers.

"A wise man knows when to bend." Remus read his slip of paper. "Good advice, I suppose."

Severus picked up his. "A clever man uses what he finds to hand." He shook his head. "The usual drivel." He picked up his toy sword which grew to over a foot long in his hand. He gave it a wave and almost dropped it when it turned into a giant dildo.

"Whoa!" Remus laughed as he set out cups and – forever craving sweets – a plate of shortbread. He filled a bowl with cream which he whipped into frothy peaks with a wave of his wand. "That's impressive! But don't think you're stuffing anything that came from Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes up my arse."

As if in response to Remus' voice, the dildo shrank into a knife with a short, sturdy blade.

"Now what is that about?" Remus looked puzzled.

"Uses what he finds to hand," Severus mused, then, with a rather fiendish glee rising inside, he strode to the fridge and rummaged around.

"Aha!" He held up a large parsnip, then took it to his seat at the table and started to carve it with the sharp blade.

Remus sipped his tea while picking up the tiny teacup that had come in his cracker. He rocked it, as though swirling non-existent tea, and it transformed in his hand to a bottle of golden liquid. The label read, Personalized Flavoured Lube. His eyes sparkled as he uncorked the bottle and held it out to Severus who dipped in a finger, sniffed it cautiously, then made a show of inserting it into his mouth and sucking.


Remus tried it. "Caramel."

They grinned at each other, and Severus held up the parsnip, now carved to resemble a dildo.

"Chocolate and parsnip?" Remus made a face.

"I'm not planning on eating the parsnip."

Remus raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. Instead, he took a piece of shortbread, scooped up some whipped cream with it and held it out to Severus, who made a show of licking off the cream, then baring his teeth and snapping the shortbread in half. He didn't take his eyes of Remus' as he finished the treat, then swirled his finger in the cream and held it out.

"Suck." His voice had a rough edge and Remus gave a soft, helpless moan as he leaned forward and took Severus' offering in his mouth.

He didn't release the finger until he had thoroughly fellated it, and smiled to see Severus' wide-eyed expression.

"I think you have too many clothes on." Remus' voice was low and throaty.

"No more than you." Severus observed, slightly breathless.

They stood as one and reached for each other. Buttons were slipped from fasteners, belts were loosened, and shirts pushed from shoulders by unhurried hands as they shared languid kisses.

Remus squirmed when Severus nipped his shoulder. "You stuck your bowsprit in my ear – it tickled."

"Damn hat," Severus made a grab for the ship on his head, but tiny pirates swarmed to the gunwales and stabbed at his hand with miniature swords.

Remus laughed as Severus cursed. "It's all right, Severus," Remus wheezed to a stop. "I think you look very dashing."

Severus muttered something extremely rude and Remus took the opportunity provided by the distraction to drop to his knees and tug Severus' trousers and pants to his ankles.

"Sit." He placed a hand on Severus' belly and pushed gently. Severus sat on the edge of the table and Remus finished removing his garments.

"Now." Remus stood, and with a wave of his hand, the items on the table retreated to the edges. "Back you go." He eased Severus slowly onto his back, and moved him a little further onto the table so that his legs were supported.

"Let's see." Remus picked up the bowl of whipped cream, and using his fingers, put little mounds of it on each of Severus' nipples, then filled his belly button while completely ignoring Severus' small noises and wiggles as the cold cream touched his sensitive skin. Remus next summoned a jar of cherries and placed one on each dab of cream.

Leaning over, he opened his mouth and sucked at Severus' left nipple.

Severus' body jerked and his hands came up to tangle in Remus' hair. Remus munched the cherry, then licked, sucked and finally bit Severus' nipple gently to make sure it was clean. The right cherry was picked up delicately between Remus' teeth, and once eaten, the cream was slowly licked away. By the time he was finished, Severus was trembling.

Remus licked and kissed his way to Severus' navel where he took his sweet time making sure all traces of the cream were gone before raising his head.

Severus glared at him, trying to convey more desperation than threat. He needed to be touched.

"Of course," Remus' answered the plea in Severus' eyes, his voice soft as he picked up the bottle of lube. He smoothed it lavishly over Severus' cock and bollocks before slathering on a layer of whipped cream. Pulling up a chair between Severus' thighs, Remus draped his legs over his shoulders, and pulled Severus' arse to the edge of the table. Once Remus seemed satisfied with his arrangements, he slowly ate his treat.

Severus was drowning in the sensations stirred by that wicked, teasing tongue and that hot, hungry mouth, and was gripping the edges of the table and making all sorts of threats and promises when Remus finally took pity on him.

Standing, Remus pulled Severus up off the table and into a long, hungry kiss.

"I think," Severus' growled. "It's past time for a wise man to bend over."

A wave of Severus' hand and Remus clothes vanished. Severus turned him, slipped a hand between Remus legs from behind and lifted.


Remus scrambled up on the table and onto his hands and knees.

Severus poured some of the lube into the palm of his hand and began slowly stroking Remus' cock and kneading his bollocks. He used a firm grip, just the way Remus liked it, and soon Remus was moaning. He added a little more lube to his hand and wiped it the length of Remus' crack. After circling the tight pucker for a minute or two, he slipped a finger inside, pressing as deeply as he could.

Remus made an inarticulate sound, then set up a steady stream of incoherencies as Severus slowly slid his finger in and out. When he removed it altogether, Remus whimpered, then gasped as Severus leaned forward and licked a long, broad stripe from the back of Remus' sack to his quivering hole.

Spreading Remus' cheeks with his hands, Severus set about his work in earnest. He circled Remus' entrance with his tongue, occasionally making short, sharp stabs with the tip, then lapping with slow strokes. Soon, he was using his thumbs to stretch Remus open, wiggling his tongue inside and making unrepentant slurping and humming noises of pleasure. He loved how Remus tasted, loved how he would writhe and beg and cry out for more. The chocolate flavour warmed with the heat of Remus' body and made the taste twice as satisfying.

Finally, with a sigh of regret, Severus backed off. There was more to do, after all. Picking up the carved parsnip, he covered it with lube, and started pushing it slowly into Remus.

"That's cold." Remus gasped.

"Is that a bad thing?" Severus started fucking Remus with the parsnip, slowly twisting and rotating the vegetable.

"No… ah… not really… oh… I guess." Remus was halfway between laughing and crying.

Severus pulled the parsnip all the way out, then sank it back in as far as he could. Remus pushed back against him, but he didn't pick up the pace.

When Remus' nails started making gouges in the table top, Severus quit.

"Over," he smacked Remus' arse.

Remus scrambled off the table, and after kissing him soundly, Severus pushed him down again, this time, on his back. He hooked Remus' legs over his shoulders and without preamble, slid his cock deep into his lover's body.

Severus knew neither of them would last long, and he set a hard pace, slamming his cock home each time with the slap of flesh on flesh. Remus reached for his own cock, and Severus watched enthralled as he stroked just a few times before those beautiful bollocks were drawing up and Remus stiffened for a moment, quivering, before he came hard, crying Severus' name.

Driving home, Severus' release exploded deep inside Remus' body, and Remus gripped his arms and clung to him, anchoring Severus to earth.

Coming slowly out of his breathless, post-orgasmic daze, Severus leaned forward and licked Remus' come from his belly, then kissed the quivering flesh as Remus stroked his hair.

Straightening up, he eased out of Remus and stepped back, offering him a hand to help him stand.

Looking them up and down, Remus grinned. "We're a mess." He reached for Severus' head. "You're hat's crooked."

The hat came off in his hand and he laughed.

Severus smiled. "That's good. I don't fancy them joining us in the bath."

"Mm, bath." Remus draped his arms over Severus' shoulders and nuzzled his neck. His own hat fell off, but he didn't notice.

Severus pushed him upright. "Gods, you're useless after a thorough shagging."

"And what would you use me for, good sir?" Remus' voice was languid.

"I haven't had my dinner yet." Severus looked pointedly at the mess on the table.

"You're going to eat me again?" Remus brightened.

"Useless and still tipsy."

"Not my fault you've fucked me boneless." He kissed Severus thoroughly.

"And brainless?"

"Love you," Remus murmured against his ear.

And I love you, my tipsy Werewolf, Severus thought with a smile as he manhandled Remus toward the bath.

~~*Happy Christmas*~~
5th December 2012 07:05
Kinky fluff! I love it!

Also, it's especially devious deviant of you not to let them know who sent the crackers! I want to think it was one of them, but Remus was too surprised...and Severus just wouldn't order kinky toys from WWW.

What a delightful romp. Thanks, MA!
9th January 2013 03:56
You are more than welcome! And I wouldn't mind knowing who sent those crackers myself. ;)
5th December 2012 09:17
Thank you so much, Mystery Author! You've fulfilled my wish for Adult Christmas Crackers from WWW in style! Not only the ingenious sex toys (and I loved the way the sword became first a giant dildo, then a knife for Severus to carve his own! From a parsnip!) but the suggestive mottoes and the hats - oh, the hats! I especially enjoyed the tiny pirates stopping Severus from removing his ship - even if he didn't. And Remus' line "You stuck your bowsprit in my ear" made me LOL.

The sex was hot and delicious, and you can tell that Severus and Remus have a really great relationship.

Happy Christmas to you too, Mystery Author, you've made my day!
9th January 2013 04:00
I so glad you enjoyed the story! It was such fun to right. I have no idea where the pirate ship came from - it just popped into existence and I couldn't say no. :D
5th December 2012 13:51
I love it--fun kink! Great seeing them enjoy each other so thoroughly. The hats were especially fun. Well done.
9th January 2013 04:00
Thank you so much!
6th December 2012 00:31
Sweet, hot fluff!
9th January 2013 04:01
Some of the best kind! Thanks for commenting!
6th December 2012 04:16
I do love seeing these two in domestic bliss--and kinky domestic bliss is even better! Love tipsy!Remus and always-on-guard!Severus. And I love when Severus is protective of his lover. It seems very in character that he would be.
9th January 2013 04:04
They certainly deserve a happier ending than they got! And yes, I think Severus will always be suspicious in nature. Thanks for commenting!
6th December 2012 14:14
Sweet, kinky fluff!
9th January 2013 04:04
Mmmm, some of the best kind. Glad you enjoyed it!
6th December 2012 14:52
This was all sorts of awesome! Hot kinky sex and tipsy!Remus FTW!
I loved this!
9th January 2013 04:05
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
6th December 2012 17:34
how deliciously kinky. *G*
9th January 2013 04:05
Thank you!
7th December 2012 19:11
*Sporfle* Love every line, from the Ministry event (obviously a Slytherin Minister) to the tipsy bath.

"But that means it's fun, not dangerous," just about sums it up!
9th January 2013 04:07
Remus is always looking on the bright side, isn't he? So glad you enjoyed the story, and thanks for commenting!
9th December 2012 23:20
That was a delicious and delightful mystery present. Severus' pirate ship hat sounds fantastic and the fact that Remus got the Mad Hatter's hat, well, that was just typecasting. *snicker* No, no, not really, but in this instance, the tipsy werewolf got to have the best of all Christmases and our Snarky Slytherin got to board and plunder him with great and joyous abandon.
9th January 2013 04:09
Thank you for the lovely comment - I'm so glad you enjoyed the story!
9th January 2013 04:34
It was a wonderful experience! Thank you for writing it.
10th December 2012 12:45
Kinky fluff, indeed. Love this. Remus and Severus are delightful! (& delicious.)
9th January 2013 04:11
Thank you!
19th December 2012 18:15
I want crackers like that to exist. *sighs happily*
9th January 2013 04:12
Wouldn't that be great?

Thanks for commenting!
19th December 2012 19:33
9th January 2013 04:12
Thanks! ;)
9th January 2013 13:17
What a lovely way to start the day! Amusing and hot! Thanks for pointing this out, it was great, but then anything you write always is. :D
9th January 2013 13:46


Thanks so much! You made MY morning.
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