Title: Huff and Puff and Blow
Author: eeyore9990
Characters/Pairings: Severus Snape/Remus Lupin
Rating: R
Kinks/Themes Chosen: body writing
Other Warnings: absurdity
Word Count: ~1300
Summary/Description: Severus is certain he's lost his mind when a wereferius knocks on his door
Author's Notes: This wouldn't have been possible without the help of r_grayjoy. So blame her!

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Loud banging echoed through the cabin.

That would have been only mildly noteworthy except for two things. The first was that the cabin was unplottable. The second was that it was under the Fidelius Charm... and the Secret Keeper was dead.

No one living should be able to see this cabin, but if they were magically powerful enough to find it, see it, and approach it, they should also be powerful enough to open the damn door upon which they were most likely bloodying their fist.

Severus had spent the last twenty-odd years of his life immersed in mystery and intrigue. He was done with them both. Flicking his wand at the door, he silenced the sound of the knocking and went back to filling in the crossword.

But as he sat there, staring with a half-smile quirking his mouth at the clue to 23 down--a bezoar can be found here--an itchy feeling started up just between his shoulder blades. Scratching out the letters G-O-A-T-S-S-T-O-M-A-C-H, he couldn't stop himself from glancing at the door.

Which was quite literally rattling against the frame.

Severus set down his quill with a sigh and stood. Apparently he was going to have to save this cabin--wooden cottage, really--from destruction under the hand of whomever was on the other side of his door. He comforted himself with the thought that, if it proved to be a damsel in distress, he could always kill her himself and save whatever big bad wolf was after her the trouble.

Yanking open the door, he was all set to shout invectives at the person on the other side of it when his every thought vanished from his head. "Terribly sorry," he murmured to the naked man standing there. "I haven't time for a mental breakdown in my schedule today."

And then he closed and locked the door, sliding a heavy chair in front of it for good measure.

"Dammit, Severus, let me in!"

"Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin." Severus looked around for the idiot who'd said that, then realized the voice had sounded remarkably like his own. In a fog, he returned to the table upon which his crossword and glass of whisky sat. Ignoring the paper, he picked up the glass and drained it, then went looking for the remainder of the bottle.

"She's after me, Severus. Please let me in!"

Crossing the small room to the door, Severus unlocked and opened it a crack. "You're dead, Lupin. I might have been able to see my way clear to letting in the big bad wolf, but I refuse to admit an inferius werewolf--werewolf inferius? wereferius?--into my home. So, go back to wherever you came from, lie down, and play dead like a good dog."

But instead of listening to Severus' very logical argument, Lupin pushed open the door the rest of the way, knocking both the chair and Severus backward in the process. Lupin jumped inside, shutting and locking the door behind him. And then he started muttering. "If 'playing dead' were what she wanted me to do, I wouldn't be in this mess!"

A cold feeling of dread settled in Severus' stomach. If Lupin was standing here, after having been pronounced dead by every conceiveable professional who could possibly have made such a pronouncement, and if Severus' luck was such that a raised-from-the-dead-Lupin would have not only sought him out but found him as well, then there was only one 'she' to which Lupin could be referring. "Bellatrix."

Lupin spun around, his eyes looking wild and... frightened? "What? She's alive too? What the fuck is going on here?"

And that was just too much. Severus was lenient enough with himself to allow for a minor mental breakdown, but if even his own fractured brain couldn't come up with a decently intelligent villain, then he would simply have to step in. He took Lupin by the shoulders and was about to give him a bloody good shaking when Lupin cried out and fell against him.

Lupin's body, still completely nude, was literally glowing with runes. "You... have to... help me," he said, clutching at Severus' robes as if they were a life line. Or a death line, considering everything.

"There's absolutely no reason that I should. You're a figment of my imagination and as such are responsible for yourself."

"If you don't help me, she'll find me. And if she finds me, I'll be bound to her forever." Lupin's expression was one of abject terror, which would have caused a softening of Severus' heart...if he possessed one.

"I don't know who 'she' is, but she's welcome to you. Though I pity anyone who'd willingly bind themself to you."

Lupin dropped to his knees. "I'll do anything, Severus. I'm begging you. Please help me. She's trying to chain our souls together. If you don't believe me, just read the runes!"

Unable to help himself, Severus did. He had to give himself credit. Even when obviously impaired, he was capable of imagining extremely noteworthy runic work. Dark runic magic, but still really well done. He gave himself an E for effort.

"Runes for sex and blood and souls. If you were actually alive, I might--"

"Severus, shut up! Oh, fuck it all," Lupin muttered. "I'll do it myself."

And with that, he lifted the hem of Severus' robes, standing as he continued to raise them, and finally stripped them completely off of Severus' body.

"What are you doing?" Severus asked, only mildly curious.

"We have to have sex to nullify Dora's runes.".

Severus' attention was once more caught by the runes. "Let me see if I understand. Nymphadora, your wife, wishes for you to act the part of a married man and you refuse."

"I married her until death did us part. I died. End of vows. Besides, she's absolutely insane now!"

Considering this for a long moment, Severus shrugged and pointed toward the lone bedroom. "If I'm going to lose my mind, I might as well lose my virginity too."

Ignoring the way Lupin gaped at him, Severus set about initiating his first kiss. It wasn't much to get excited over. Lupin was no help at all, and Severus thought the whole process a bit less passionate than he'd imagined. But when his hand brushed Lupin's chest, that small touch seemed to spur Lupin into action.

Lupin tossed Severus onto the rickety bed before leaping onto it himself. Straddling Severus' body, Lupin began to wriggle against him in such a way that Severus' blood started racing through him and his cock began to steadily fill. Lining up their cocks, Lupin wrapped his hands around them both and began to roll his hips, fucking against the tight grip of his hands and Severus' sensitive cock.

"I'll wait until you're over your shock before we relieve you of your true virginity," Lupin said, his voice a low growl. "But I'm not above taking you at your word. For now." A massive thrust sent Lupin's cock scraping against the marvelously sensitive head of Severus' own. Severus twitched and writhed on the bed, his fingers finding and squeezing Lupin's hips, aiding in establishing a rhythm.

When he felt his balls drawing up, Seveus closed his eyes and let his release wash over him. His come shot in ropes between them, and the runes on Lupin's chest glowed ever brighter where it landed. With a harsh cry and a tight squeeze of his hands over their still joined cocks, Lupin joined him in post-coital bliss.

When they woke, there would be time to explain how one deranged ex-spouse could raise a werewolf from the dead--just when he'd been sharing a pot of tea and conversation with James, Sirius, and Lily--and what Severus' fulfillment of the runes on Lupin's body would mean for both of their futures.

For now, though, they were men. Men who snored.