I know this is late and I'm really sorry! I had IJ problems this morning and then had to go out and I'm only just getting home. Again, I'm really sorry, mods!

Title: Harry Pornstar and the Philosopher's Boner
Author: kinky_kneazle
Characters/Pairings: Harry/Oliver, also mentions of Dumbledore/Hagrid/McGonagall, Harry/Hagrid, Hermione/Harry/Ron/Mountain Troll, Snape/Quirrell, Harry/Ron/Neville/Seamus/Dean
Rating: NC-17
Kinks/Themes Chosen: Bad Porn Month!
Other Warnings: Crack and really bad innuendo.
Disclaimer: Although the characters in the movie were underage, in this porn-ish remake the actors are all legally consenting members of the adult film industry, and quite obviously above the legal age of consent. No suggestion of chan is intended.
Word Count: 1,180
Summary/Description: The Philosopher's Stone rewritten as porn – the "skip the DVD to the good parts" version.
Author's Notes: A few years ago I clicked a link and discovered Edward Penishands. This was my introduction to the porn industry tradition of remaking popular movies into porn. Wil Wheaton's news that there's a Star Trek: TNG XXX Parody coming out made me wonder what would happen if someone did a Harry Potter remake. I couldn't write all the porn scenes that there would be, but there's a hint of many, and my favourite in detail. Love to F for the super-quick beta. Some lines have been taken verbatim from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone/



< Skip >

"There, there, Hagrid. It's not really good bye, after all. And now that we've taken care of this responsibility, we can celebrate Lord Voldemort's demise."

"How did you want to celebrate, Headmaster?"

"I'm sure the three of us can find something fun to do," Dumbledore said, slipping off his robes.

< Skip >

"Strictly speaking, I'm not supposed to do magic."

"Well, perhaps I can do something magical for you, Hagrid. I do need to thank you for rescuing me from my relatives…"

< Skip >

"Boys dormitories upstairs and down to your left."

Harry followed his classmates to their dormitory.

"What do we do now, then?" Ron asked.

"Go to sleep, I guess," said Neville.

"No." That was the Irish boy. "I've a better idea."

< Skip >

"Harry Potter! Follow me."

Harry felt a deep dread fill his stomach as he fell in behind McGonagall. Was he really going to be kicked out of Hogwart's so soon, just when he was settling in, and having so much fun with the boys in the dorm and their nightly sexual explorations? McGonagall stopped at a classroom door and turned to him.

"You wait here. Professor Quirrell, excuse me, excuse me. Can I borrow Wood for a moment, please?"

Wood? Harry's ears picked up. Maybe this was some sort of corporal punishment. He'd cop to being a bad boy. He could bend over and take his punishment like a man. His cock began to fill with blood as a complex fantasy began to fill his mind. A handsome young man stepped out of the classroom.

"Potter this is Oliver Wood. Wood. I have found you a Seeker!"

***

"Quidditch is easy enough to understand," Oliver said when they got out on the field. "Each team has seven players. Three chasers, two beaters, one keeper and a seeker. That's you."

Harry tried to pay attention as Oliver went through the Quaffle, Bludgers and the Golden Snitch. It was difficult, because the boy's name still made him think of corporal punishment. Or possible the wood of his erection. He was glad to be in Muggle clothes because Dudley's baggy jeans hid his own woody. Oliver held out the small golden ball.

"The only thing I want you to worry about is this. The Golden Snitch."

"I like this ball."

"You like it now. Just wait. It's wicked fast and damn near impossible to see."

"What do I do with it?"

"You catch it. Before the other team's seeker. You catch this, the game is over. You catch this, Potter, and we win."

"So you're telling me that this game is played with four balls and two bats and involves riding brooms?"

"That's right, Potter."

Harry took a step towards Oliver. "I can think of another game we can play that involves four balls, two bats and a good ride."

"Aye, I know that game. Show us your bat then, Potter."

Harry shed his clothes. It was the middle of the day in the middle of the Quidditch field, but it didn't matter to Harry. His bat was hard, so he took it firmly in hand and gave it a couple of strokes.

"No, Potter. This is a game for two players. You don't get to play alone." Oliver stripped his own clothes off, and his thick, hard bat jutted out proudly atop his two large Bludgers.

"Nice wand, Oliver."

"No mixing metaphors, Harry. This is a broomstick. And after you polish it, I'll let you have a ride."

"That would require some spit and polish, wouldn't it?"

"Yes. So on your knees."

Harry dropped to the grass and took Oliver's cock in his mouth. It was so wide he could barely fit his mouth around it, so he slicked it all up with saliva and moved his hand up and down it in firm strokes. He smiled around the tip as Oliver let out a low growl. His free hand grasped his own cock, pulling in the same rhythm as Oliver's hips were thrusting. Oliver suddenly pulled away.

"Hands and knees, Potter." Harry leaned forward obediently, spreading his knees wide so his arse was open and waiting. He heard Oliver murmur a spell and then fingers slick with lubricant entered his arse. "Have you ever done this before?"

"Only when I was thanking Hagrid for saving me from my relatives."

"Well, it's good you have some experience."

Harry heard Oliver fumbling with the Quidditch chest and suddenly there was a fluttering around his balls. "There's something else you can do with the Snitch, Harry." It pressed into his anus and the ring of muscle gave way to allow the small, golden ball entrance. It clearly wanted to fly, but it was tightly confined, so instead it quivered, sending waves of pleasure right throughout his body. Harry wrapped a hand around his cock and pulled frantically.

"None of that, Harry." Oliver took Harry's hand and put it firmly back on the ground. "We've got a long way to go before this game's over." Oliver pulled the Snitch from Harry's arse. "Feel all warmed up for your ride?"

"Yes!"

"Well, Harry, what are you waiting for? Mount your broom."

Harry turned his head to see Oliver on his back, cock pointing straight into the air. He straddled the other man's hips and eased down, taking it in inch by inch. Both of them groaned.

"You know this broom can go faster, Harry."

"Not a Cleansweep, then?"

"No. It's a Nimbus 2000. Put it through its paces."

Harry sped his rhythm, angling his hips to feel Oliver filling him in all the best spots.

"Let me swing that bat of yours for you, Harry."

"Swing?"

"Not the best analogy, but you know what I mean."

Oliver took Harry's cock in his hand and it took only a few short strokes before his words of encouragement became incoherent ramblings.

"Come on, Harry." Harry groaned and then he was coming. His first spurt reached Oliver's lips and then hit Oliver's chest and finally belly. Oliver licked his lips with relish.

Harry tried to keep moving but his legs felt weak. He felt hands grasp his hips and pull him down again and again as Oliver searched for release.

"Get off me, Harry."

"What?"

Oliver threw his hips to the side and Harry landed on the grass. He watched, confused, as Oliver gave himself two quick strokes before letting loose with a loud cry. When Oliver's cock finally stopped pulsing he turned to Harry.

"Sorry about that. We needed the money shot."

< Skip >

"Hermione, what are you doing with that Mountain Troll?"

"It was the only way I could think to subdue it. Come help me!"

Ron and Harry shrugged and quickly made their clothes vanish.

< Skip >

"You don't want me as your enemy, Quirrell."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, wouldn't you rather have me as a friend?"

Harry watched, fascinated, as Snape pressed Quirrell up against the wall, lifting the smaller man's legs to wrap around his hips.

< Skip >