Title: All in the Family
Author: torino10154
Characters: Charlie, Ron/(Hermione)
Rating: R
Themes/kinks chosen: Sperm banks, mutual masturbation
Warnings: Fleeting reference to incest
Word Count: ~1400
Summary: Ron and Hermione consult a Muggle fertility specialist. Charlie offers his brother some advice.
Author's notes: Huge thanks as always to gryffindorj and jadzialove for feedback and beta reading. *hugs* Ron/Hermione is canon compliant but off-screen for the most part. Charlie and Ron engage in a bit of mutual masturbation but I don't consider it a 'pairing' as such. Oh and a special thank you to Deviant's own r_grayjoy for the once over in person! :D

"So Hermione says, 'Well, it can't be me because I have always been regular', whatever that means. I started laughing at her and said, 'I'm a Weasley. We don't have any trouble getting a bird up the duff."

Charlie laughed as he sat down on the sofa. "I bet she loved that."

"Slept on the couch for a week," Ron replied then took a pull off his beer. "I think the only reason she let me back in bed was that her timer went off."

"Timer?"

"I think it's called an 'Optimum Ovulation Detection Device'. Needless to say, she wanted to try again as soon as it went off." Ron shook his head, his face losing much of the humour, and scrubbed his hands across his face. "I'm so bloody tired. It's not even fun anymore. And if fucking isn't fun, what the hell is the point?"

"I've always thought so." Charlie's lips curled into a smile. He poured himself another shot before patting his brother on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Ron. I'm sure between the lot of us there will be spares to go around."

Ron smacked his hand away. "Hermione wants a kid of her own. Actually I do, too. Ron, Junior."

"God, don't do that," Charlie exclaimed, shaking his head in mock horror. "One of you is enough."

"Shut it. One of you is one too many." Ron shoved Charlie playfully.

"Many a bird—"

"And bloke."

"—has said so." Charlie finished with a grin. Summoning another beer, he handed it to Ron. "Tell me about the Healer's office."

"Doctor's office. They're Muggles, remember?"

"Of course, doctors not Healers. What do they do there?"

Ron blushed slightly, his ears going very red at Charlie's question.

"The easiest thing to do is check my, er, you know," Ron waved vaguely toward his groin.

"No, I don't, your what?"

"You're enjoying this?" Ron accused.

"Indeed. Your bits then? They have a hot doctor come in and give you a thorough once over?"

"Bloody hell, no!" Ron drank what was left in his third bottle, and then drank some of the next before wiping his hands on his jeans. "Actually, she reminded me a lot of McGonagall." Ron shuddered and Charlie chuckled.

"McGonagall's not so bad, I bet you'd be fairly impressed at her skill with a wand." Ron pulled a face, managing to look as if he were going to sick up, and Charlie laughed some more.

"They send you into a room," Ron said, charging forward, "and want to collect a 'sample'. And Hermione and me, we've been doing stuff—"

"Doing stuff?" Charlie laughed again at his brother's discomfort. "If you can't even say it maybe you aren't fit to be parents."

"Fine. Fucking, we've been fucking at least three times a day."

"Sounds perfect."

"Charlie! For months. I think my knob is gonna fall off. It's sore and tired. I have to work so hard to get it up and then Hermione, she keeps talking about getting the angle right and stop laughing at me!"

But Charlie couldn't really help it. "That doesn't sound very romantic or fun, I'll admit."

"Too right." Ron finished his drink and sighed.

Charlie conjured a glass and poured him a shot. "I think you need something stronger."

"Thanks."

"What happened next?" Charlie pressed.

"They give you a paper bag with a cup in it and a stack of magazines and send you into a tiny room. The magazines are supposed to help but I just couldn't get it up. They weren't even wizarding magazines. Bloody boring if you ask me." Ron stopped and looked around the room.

"This is why you wanted to talk to me, isn't it?" Ron's face turned beet red and he swallowed down the shot and, taking the bottle, he poured himself another, as Charlie asked, "What happened?"

"There was one magazine. It wasn't supposed to be in there. I said I didn't want that kind." He looked at Charlie as if willing him to understand.

He understood perfectly. "Something other than tits."

"Yeah," Ron replied after a few moments.

"You liked them?"

"No!" Ron blurted. "It was disgusting."

"You couldn't put it down, could you?" Charlie leaned in closer. "All hard angles and lean muscle."

"Stop," Ron whispered. His eyes fell closed and he squirmed, his hand ghosting over his crotch before he set it back down on the sofa.

Oh, Charlie thought, it's bad. He grinned.

"What did you do? Did you wank to that magazine, Ron? The one with the men?" Charlie purred.

"God, yeah," Ron clenched his hands into fists.

"Were you hard like you are right now?" Charlie said, chuckling.

"What?" Ron's eyes snapped open. "You can tell?"

"It's fairly obvious." They both looked down.

"Oh, fuck." As tempting as that idea was to Charlie's pickled brain, that was definitely not the right answer.

He'd look for Bill later.

"Touch yourself."

"That isn't funny," Ron looked horrified. Charlie held his gaze. "You're serious?"

Charlie nodded. "You can't walk out of here like that. Besides, maybe I can give you a few pointers."

"I know how to wank, you prat."

"Show me yours and I'll show you mine," Charlie replied in a sing-song voice and reached for the placket of his own trousers. His blood was thrumming through his veins.

Ron's eyes bulged out of his head. Charlie undid the zip and slowly pulled it down.

"Come on then." He looked pointedly back at Ron's groin.

"I shouldn't." His body overruled his mind apparently for Ron stood and unzipped his trousers, eyes never leaving Charlie's face. Charlie stood and pushed his trousers down to his knees.

"You aren't wearing pants," Ron gasped.

"They tend to get in the way," Charlie replied as he sat back down and wrapped his hand around his hard length. "Perfect," he sighed contentedly.

"You're such a slut," Ron said, his voice suggesting both revulsion and awe.

"Let's see it," Charlie said, not addressing the truth in his brother's words, and Ron finally pulled his prick from his pants. "Not bad, little brother. Hermione is a lucky girl."

"Shit! Don't mention her again. She'd die if she knew."

"A lot of girls like more than one bloke." Charlie added a twist at the end of his stroke, drawing a moan . . . from Ron as well. Charlie watched Ron wanking with hooded eyes. He'd definitely done well in the bits department. Ron's face was flushed, his breath quickening as his hand moved over his thick shaft.

"Easy, tiger," Charlie teased. "No reason to rush. Enjoy it." Charlie licked his palm and began stroking himself again in sure, easy movements. Ron watched him and slowed his pace accordingly.

"Damn," Ron breathed out.

"Mmm, it's good, isn't it?" Charlie slid his foreskin over the head, hiding the glans completely, before pulling it back again on the down stroke. He moved his free hand to his balls, rolling them softly in his palm.

Ron mimicked the movement. "Forgot what it's like."

"You should take more time for yourself, little brother. It makes those times with your wife all the sweeter. Adds a bit of variety." Charlie winked.

"Charlie?" Ron gasped.

"Yeah?"

"Wanna come." Ron began stroking himself faster, pulling more firmly on his balls, a hint of a whimper escaping his parted lips. Charlie waited until he knew Ron was nearly there. . . .

"Come for me, Ron," he said, and Ron exploded, the thick fluid, splattering the floor and his trousers. Ron fell back into the corner of the sofa. Charlie pushed himself over the edge as well, aiming his cock away from himself, his come mixed with Ron's on the floor.

After several minutes of silence, Ron waved his wand over himself and aimed it toward the floor.

"Isn't Hermione going to want that?" Charlie asked, grinning madly.

"Shut it, you," Ron said, his lips fighting a smile. They finished dressing and as they started to leave Charlie's dorm at the Welsh dragon preserve, Charlie stopped his brother.

"Listen, I know from experience that as long as Hermione is up in arms about this, it will never happen. It's the same with dragons. They won't conceive under stress." He put his hand on Ron's shoulder to look him in the eye. "Take her away from it all and really give it to her like you used to. There will be bouncing baby Weasleys before you know it."

Ron nodded. "Thanks, Charlie." He blushed again. "For everything."

"It was my pleasure."