Daily Deviant
- there is no such thing as 'too kinky'
FIC: Spay and Neuter (Padfoot, Sirius/Remus - R) 
15th June 2008 08:27
Title: Spay and Neuter
Author: [info]lee_west
Characters: Padfoot, Sirius and Remus
Rating: R
Summary: Padfoot's on the loose, and the RSPCA is hot on his tails.
Warnings: The kink is castration! Someone loses the family jewels.
Kinks chosen: Castration
Word Count: ~2,400
Author's notes: A lay-low-at-Lupin's fic. It's been a while since I saw one of those. They were all the rage until 2005, weren't they?

Thanks to [info]fluffyllama for the beta. RSPCA stands for Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.


Cursing Remus for living in a well-populated Muggle town, Sirius steered Buckbeak to the heavily forested area that abutted it. The hippogriff could only take him that far before they reached town. Here, at least, the great beast could be hidden and would be able to forage for his own food until Sirius was ready to move on again to contact the other members of the Order. Dumbledore had only given him the town name and it fell upon Sirius to find out exactly in which one of the tiny houses Remus lived.

He was a bit uneasy about seeing Remus again; the meeting at the Shrieking Shack, about one year before, had been emotional and full of surprises, some good, some bad. It had taken Sirius all his willpower not to attack Remus right there and then and snog him senseless. It hadn't been possible, of course: firstly there were the kids and, secondly, Sirius was so filthy that he imagined Remus would shrink away in disgust if Sirius tried to kiss him. Remus was that finicky about cleanliness, Sirius remembered well. When they lived together, it was a hassle for Sirius to get a morning kiss before brushing his teeth. And, whenever they made love, Remus would insist on casting a Scourgify on the bed – even if they started it all over again.

And then they had parted without seeing each other again, but now, on Dumbledore's orders, Sirius was supposed to "lay low at Lupin's." He snorted, thinking about the hidden meaning in those words. He was dying to tell Remus about it. They had always argued about whether the old wizard knew about their relationship: Sirius swore nothing escaped the old man, while Remus maintained that Dumbledore would probably have had them expelled if he even suspected a thing. But the twinkle in the Headmaster's eyes was telling, and Sirius planned to make Remus pay for the long-standing bet.

But, before that, he had to make himself at least a bit presentable. He saw the little creek from which Buckbeak was drinking and decided that the best he could do without soap was to wash off the grime from the previous months living in a cave. He tested the water with his toe and jumped back – it was freezing. The only way to get himself a little cleaner was to do it as a dog. He transformed into Padfoot and jumped into the water, splashing Buckbeak playfully while he dog-paddled up and down the creek.

Finally it got too cold even for thick fur and Padfoot climbed up the little slope, shaking the water off. Buckbeak, having had his fill, walked deeper into the forest and the dog, knowing that the hippogriff would be well hidden, started walking toward the town. It was time for him to meet Remus again. Lie low with him, preferably in a warm bed.

He was so immersed in his thoughts about what he and Remus would do in that warm bed that he never saw anything suspicious. He gave out a yelp when he felt the sting on his neck and then everything went black.


"That damn fox," the man exclaimed, trying to count the casualties in his chicken coop from the blood and feathers. "They've come back with a vengeance after old Ripper died, see? We need another dog to guard the chickens."

"We have a dog, darling," the woman answered with a snippy voice, as if this was an old – and unpleasant – conversation. "We have two, in fact."

The man snorted. "Those two poodles of yours? They'll run scared if they see a fox."

"Powder is a lady and I don't want her running outside. But Cream is a brave male and will be able to guard your precious chicken coop," she answered, pursing her lips.

The man rolled his eyes. Powder Puff and Cream Puff were the most obnoxious dogs he'd ever seen, two yappers who didn't do anything of value around the house. His wife adored the two buggers though, to the point of allowing them to share their bed. It was something the man had fought bravely against, but lost under the threat of no more sex. It was cumbersome to shag his wife with the two dogs in attendance, but his wife insisted on it, hoping that Cream would someday catch on to the idea that he was supposed to do the same to Powder. No such luck so far, which led the man to make a few barbs against Cream's sexuality to his wife. Since those earned him a couple of nights on the sofa, now it was something he muttered through clenched teeth whenever Cream decided to hump his leg.

"Well, I'm not waiting for Cream to show his valor as a guard dog. I need another Lab like old Ripper. I'm going to the shelter to see if they have a stray up for adoption."


Padfoot rose from a deep slumber, sensing that people were handling him. When he finally felt strong enough to open his eyes, he realized he had a collar around his neck and a grinning man was watching him appreciatively.

"He's awake now," the man said.

"You may take him home as soon as he's able to stand up."

"He's a fine specimen; he just needs to be fattened up a little."

"Nothing that a few square meals can't take care of," the other male voice retorted. "And he'll get a little fatter after the surgery, but he'll have plenty of exercise outdoors. Congratulations, sir. You got a good one here. I was worried we'd not be able to find a home for him, but, you know, you can't let strays roam the streets."

"He didn't have a collar, then? No name?"

"No. This is why we caught him. You're free to call him whatever you want."

It was strange to hear people speak about him like that and not being able to react. The word that caught Padfoot's attention was 'surgery.' What did the two men mean by it? He didn't have time to dwell on it, though, because the urge to stand up was stronger and he rose tentatively.

"There you go. Ready for some action, Killer?" The man tugged at the leash.

Killer? Padfoot took a wobbly step and followed the man. Who in their right mind called a dog Killer? Snuffles was a much better name, Padfoot thought, following the man obediently nonetheless. There was the lure of good food to fatten him up and he could take the time to roam the streets – now under the protection of the collar – to find out where Remus was living these days.


Padfoot started with the woman's shriek. "I can't believe you brought home another mongrel!" He bared his teeth at her, growling low. The stupid bint should know he was no mongrel. His growl made her take a step back, holding the two poodles in her arms. The two things squirmed, trying to go down. The woman held firm, telling the man that he'd brought home a dangerous beast who would kill her two babies. Padfoot felt like telling her that she was in more danger of harm than the two useless excuses for canines who were yapping loudly.

Finally one of the dogs managed to get free and, wagging his tail – it was a male, Padfoot noticed – proceeded to rush toward him, circling him once and then sniffing his backside. Padfoot fought the urge to growl, especially as the dog had its nose really as far inside his arse as it could. But he would not give the woman the satisfaction of being right, so he suffered the intrusive sniffing.

Realizing that the big dog wouldn't harm her pooch, she let the other dog down too. The female brazenly pushed the male away and took his place at Padfoot's backside. The male pushed her back. Padfoot would have rolled his eyes if he could; it reminded him of Sirius's youth in school, with people fighting over him. But then, just as now, he only wanted Remus to be that excited about his arse. He moved away, but the dogs followed him, now sharing the sniffing of his backside. Fighting again the urge to snap at the two creeps, he decided to end it all by sitting on his haunches. The two dogs promptly cuddled against him, one on each side.

Padfoot decided that he'd have to find Remus as soon as possible. Especially because the man laughed at the canine interaction and told his wife, "See? I told you your dog was gay. And your bitch is desperate for some action."

She squinted at him. "It's the sofa for you tonight. And don't let this monster near Powder when she's in heat."

The man seemed subdued at the thought of sleeping in the couch. With a meek smile, he told his wife, "Oh, he'll be going to the vet tomorrow. We'll take care of that."

The tone was ominous, and Padfoot didn't like it one bit. Even if he didn't know what the man meant by it.


That night Padfoot was let out to guard the chicken coop, and he gave two fat foxes the scare of their lives. The predators had never seen a dog transform into a man, and Sirius, after a well-aimed kick at the bigger one, transformed back into Padfoot. He would roam the town now, sure in the thought that the foxes would never return to kill chickens. He owed the man that.

He managed to cover half of the houses in the town, sniffing the air for signs of magic that would indicate – hopefully – Remus's presence. It was a Muggle town, so he expected Remus to be the only wizard around. But, as the day was breaking, he was no closer to finding Moony than the day before. At least he'd eliminated half of the town. He could do the other half the following night.

He was sleeping soundly when the man woke him up, patting his big head. "Good job, Killer. You're a great dog." Padfoot wagged his tail. He liked the man. But he looked at him a little warily when the man continued, "I'm sorry I have to do what I'm going to do. I know how important they are for us blokes, but you heard the missus. I can't be responsible for that horny bitch of hers falling for you." He whispered in Padfoot's ears, still scratching behind his ears. "I can't blame Powder, though. Cream is just not into females."

It was not good. Padfoot had an idea of what the man was talking about, but it was too huge to fathom. He'd have to find a way out of this predicament without giving away his cover. Obediently he followed the man to his car, his mind racing, while the man and his wife argued about Cream also going to the vet.

"I'm not taking this yapper with me. The situation is already pretty upsetting for poor Killer, you know? You take Cream to the vet."

"You're already going there. He only needs a checkup and some vitamins. Powder will be in heat soon and I hope this time they mate."

There was a little discussion, during which Padfoot stopped thinking about his dire future enough to make a mental remark that Cream needed much more than vitamins to mate with a female. But he noticed with dismay that the man had lost yet another fight with his wife, as Cream, yapping happily, was put on the back seat with Padfoot and immediately proceeded to lap at his backside.

It was a somber trip, emphasized by the fact that the man was playing Chopin's Funeral March in his car. Cream had his face buried in Padfoot's arse, but the big dog was too preoccupied with his fate to worry about it. He did put up a little resistance when they arrived at the vet, but Cream took the opportunity while Padfoot was standing on all fours to scoot under him and lick his balls. That made Padfoot run.

A nurse took both dogs inside, telling the man he had nothing to worry. They'd bring Cream back out as soon as he was checked by the vet, and Killer's surgery was a routine one. The man would be able to see his dog as soon as he was in recovery.

Looking back mournfully at the man, Padfoot followed the nurse inside.


Eyes closed in ecstasy, legs spread out and feeling the never-forgotten sensation of Remus's tongue on his balls, Sirius let out a loud moan of pleasure.

"I'm glad you got to keep them, Padfoot. But, as we were interrupted as you were telling me your tale-"

"We weren't interrupted, Remus. As far as I remember, when I mentioned that the nurse was taking me inside, you jumped up and ripped my robes open-"

"Well, I wanted to see if you still had them."

"-And, realizing they were intact, proceeded to drag me to your bed."

Remus licked Sirius's balls tenderly again. "So I did. But now tell me how you got out of it."

"I couldn't let Padfoot lose his balls, you know. Especially because I would lose them, too. I felt that being balls-less was just as bad as getting the Kiss, so I threw all caution to the wind. Wandless magic works, doesn't it? It was just a little Confounding Charm - as the nurse was taking me to the surgery, I quickly transformed back, long enough to cast the charm. Then I was back as Padfoot - I could see her blinking her eyes, as if she had seen something unbelievable, like a dog turning into a man and back," he barked a laugh, "and then she shook his head, apologizing to me, returning me to the examination room and taking Cream instead for surgery."

"Merlin, Sirius! Cream got fixed?"

"And I got vitamins, after which I escaped through the back door. Cream's surgery may result in the man sleeping on the sofa for a few days, but, frankly, Cream has no use for those balls. Not with Powder, at least."

As Remus's mouth closed again around his cock, Sirius relaxed, enjoying the sensation and thinking, mischievously, that Remus hadn't even insisted on cleaning up the mess they'd made on the bed before starting all over again.
15th June 2008 07:49
Oh, when I read the scene where he's at the pound, I thought they'd already surgically removed Sirius' dangly bits :( So I was ENORMOUSLY RELIEVED to keep reading and find out that it hadn't happened yet.

The predators had never seen a dog transform into a man, and Sirius, after a well-aimed kick at the bigger one, transformed back into Padfoot.

This cracked me up - I can just imagine those poor foxes getting the shocks of their lives.

It was a somber trip, emphasized by the fact that the man was playing Chopin's Funeral March in his car.

And this cracked me up too, in spite of the sombre tone. *pets poor Sirius*

Excellent fic!
15th June 2008 08:33
*squeezes you*

We couldn't let Padfoot/Sirius lose his dangly bits, could we?

Glad you liked it, darling.
15th June 2008 08:01
That was close! *hee* Pads was a little slow on the up-take. Glad he caught on in time. Moony would have been so disappointed. (Not to mention Sirius!)
15th June 2008 08:33
He was more in denial than anything else - the idea of losing the jewels was too huge to even consider *g*
15th June 2008 08:11
Phew! Just made it!! Lucky Remus and even luckier Padfoot/Sirius!
15th June 2008 08:34
Not-so-lucky Cream, though. *g*
15th June 2008 08:19
Oh, thank goodness! I was reading through my fingers for a while there. ;-) This was funny as hell.
15th June 2008 08:35
Thank you - glad you liked it. And I LOVE your icon.
15th June 2008 09:25
I admit I read the other reviews to be sure that Padfoot didn't end up with the unnecessary surgery. *wipes brow*
Hilarious fic! And I love that they ended up shagging without Remus demonstrating his usual fastidious tendencies. Looks like he missed Sirius. :)
15th June 2008 10:43
I could never do that to darling Sirius/Padfoot! And I couldn't take a castration kink seriously - well, maybe a story about the castrati, but then it would be too angsty.

*chases away the bunny pestering about castrati, Remus, and Handel*
15th June 2008 10:25
I'm so glad that in the end, Remus got his man back alive and ... whole. :)
15th June 2008 10:44
Definitely! Sirius had his priorities right.
15th June 2008 10:49
LOL! That was great. For a moment there, I really thought Sirius/Padfoot was in for it.
15th June 2008 10:51
It was a close call *g*

16th June 2008 06:31
Whew! *sigh of relief* I was quite worried for Padfoot. I do like that Remus ripped his robes open to check LOL!
16th June 2008 08:06
Oh, yes, Remus was quite concerned! He even forgot to be his usual clean self *g*
19th June 2008 00:24
Hah, that was a close one! I was so relieved he got to keep the family jewels. I had this image of Pads settling down for a nice ball-licking and being quite confounded himself at their absence. That was really funny, and the ending heated up nicely.
24th June 2008 06:36
Yes, Padfoot was quite happy, too - and so was Remus. The man probably was the happiest, since Cream wouldn't be humping his leg any more. Even though the man lost his "Killer." Oh, well, maybe he adopted another one at the RSPCA.

Thanks for the comment.
24th January 2010 00:01
I was worried for a second there. I loved Cream's obsession with Pads - honestly, what does the woman expect when she names the animal Cream Puff?
25th January 2010 12:38
I'm not a poodle person, I have to admit - hence the very silly names :D

I couldn't separate Sirius from his jewels.
This page was loaded 20th February 2019, 17:15 GMT.