Daily Deviant
- there is no such thing as 'too kinky'
Iamisaac: You Made Me Marry Kreacher 
4th February 2008 14:59
Title: You Made Me Marry Kreacher
Writer: [info]iamisaac
Pairings: Ron/Kreacher, Ron/Harry
Rating: NC17
Warnings: see pairings
Themes/kinks chosen: Mock Marriage
Word Count: ~3400
Summary: In order for Ginny to marry, Ron has to wed – and consummate the marriage. Ginny has set it all up… with Kreacher as Ron’s husband-to-be…
Author's notes: I’m not sure whether this is the reason I love or hate [info]daily_deviant. Ron is quite sure this is why he hates it.

“I can’t believe you asked me to do this,” Ron grumbled bitterly. “No, wait, I just don’t want to believe that I’m going to do this. I can believe that you asked me, just not that I’m actually carrying the bloody thing through.”

“The older ones must marry before the younger,” chanted Ginny in a sing-song voice. “Bill married Fleur. Charlie has Graham, and George has Alicia – and their twins Fred and Rick. Even P-P-Percy’s settled down happily. I always thought he’d be the sticking point.”

“Shut up.”

Whilst Ron accepted, logically, that he and Hermione would not have been suited as a long term couple, emotionally it was a different thing. Especially when she’d gone off and married his own brother – and not any old brother, but Percy. Percy and Hermione. He’d learned to put a good face on it, but it still pissed him off, every time he thought of it.

“Touchy!” grinned Ginny. “I thought you were over that.”

“I was. I am. There’s nothing to get over. I always said that Hermione was too bossy for me anyway, all right? It was a mutual decision to split up.”

“Yeah, but not a mutual decision to marry Percy…”

Ron snorted suddenly.

“Well, thank God for that, Gin. You might have got me into this, but at least I’ve never been into incest.”


“Mutual decision to marry Percy? Think about it!”


“Anyway,” said Ron, remembering his particular point of grievance. “That’s not the point. The point is… the point is…”

“…that I’ve set you up a nice wedding of your own,” said Ginny sweetly.

“A nice… a nice… a nice wedding?” Ron was nearly incoherent with indignity. “Ginny, you’re getting me hitched to bloody Kreacher, and you call this… AND, what’s more, I thought you were supposed to marry Harry? You had a crush on him for years, for God’s sake. It was embarrassing.”

“No bigger than your crush,” interrupted Ginny; but Ron decided that he was best off ignoring that (rather annoyingly true) comment, and continued.

“Yeah, and so you get together and all of that…”

“…Just like you and Hermione…”

“Shut UP, Ginny… And now it turns out that it’s all off and I’ve got to produce a wedding ring so that you can run off with Tonks and produce magic multi-meta-morph-babies with her! Since when did that become the plan?”

“I bet you couldn’t say multi-meta-morph-babies again if you tried,” Ginny commented. “Anyway, it’s time you came along to your wedding.”

Suddenly Ron blanched.

“I’m not going. You can’t make me.”

“Can’t I?” demanded Ginny grimly. “Come off it, Ron. You agreed. We’ve been through everything. I’ve even got you Victoire and Teddy to act as bridesmaid and groomsboy.”

“Great,” mumbled Ron. He edged away from the doorway, through which he was supposed to be going to his wedding.

“You’d’ve had the twins if they hadn’t been too young, too.”

“Yeah, well, thank heaven for small mercies. They might be under a year, but there’s too much twinness about them already.”

“Ron!” Ginny had grabbed him by his dress robes, and was tugging him towards the doorway. “You are not going to back out of this. I mean it.”

“Ginny, I can’t.” Ron looked slightly green about the face now, his freckles standing out in resolution against his skin. “I can’t. Oh God, I can’t. I’m sorry, and I’m sorry about you and Tonks and everything, but I can’t do it. You can’t make me, and I can’t do it myself.”

Ginny had her wand out. Ron had noticed before that Gin armed with a wand was a dangerous sight, but today he was almost too nervous to care.

“Ronald Weasley, get out there. It’s only a ceremony. Stop acting like a total wuss.”

“I am a total wuss. I am when it comes to Kreacher. Ginny, I can’t. Especially because you said that we’d need to… you know, make sure it counted as a proper marriage. I can’t face it.”

“Don’t be silly, Ron,” Ginny said briskly. “It just needs to be a quick in-and-out and it’s all over and done with. It’s nothing major.”

“Nothing major?” Ron whimpered. “Ginny, it’s Kreacher. Sex and Kreacher should not even be mentioned in the same sentence, let alone…” He gulped, unable to finish the sentence.

“Get out there right now.” Ginny’s wand was pointing straight at him and her voice was dangerous. “Ron, if you let me down now, I am never going to forgive you. Remember that. And I have a very long memory.” Her voice changed. “Please, bro. I’ve tried not to ask you for things all my life, but please.”


Ginny had dragged him to the door before Ron had a chance to finish his sentence. Eyes screwed shut, he followed his sister, and within the hour, Ronald Weasley and Kreacher the House-Elf had been joined in matrimony.


Ron faced the House-Elf in the bedroom and he came within an inch of running away. Kreacher had hair growing from his nostrils. He had hair growing from his ears. He was small, squat and – so very much beyond unappealing. He turned away.

“I can’t do it.” His voice was muffled. “I’m sorry, Kreacher, and I’m sure you’re very nice and everything, but I just can’t do it.”

“What is Master’s problem?”

What, thought Ron, apart from the fact we’re supposed to be married and you’re calling me Master?

“Um…” Truthfully, he didn’t know where to start.

“Is it what Kreacher looks like?”

It’s what you look like, what you sound like, what you smell like, what you ARE. Not so long ago, Ron would have said the words aloud. But slowly, sometimes painfully, he’d learned to keep silence.

“Nothing personal, you know,” he said in embarrassment. “Just – you’re not… um… well, human, for a start.”

“Kreacher could help there.”


The House-Elf looked shiftily at him.

“Kreacher could cast a glamour spell, Master.”

“Erm, in English, what d’you mean?”

“Kreacher would become someone you desired. Kreacher wouldn’t look like Kreacher but like… someone else. Kreacher would be someone different.”

Oh God, this is so wrong. It was too late for that thought. Ginny would kill him if he backed out now. Or keep him alive and torture him slowly. Was it too late to wish his little sister wasn’t such a proficient witch?

“Do I have to tell you someone?”

“Oh no, Master. But when you look at Kreacher, you will see…” Kreacher’s voice lowered… “that which you most desire.”


Well, it sounded okay. Or rather, since nothing in this whole hideous situation sounded okay, it sounded better than reality was looking at the moment.

“Would Master like that?”

“I guess,” Ron said dubiously.

Oh God, what if he turns into Fleur? How am I ever going to explain that? On the other hand, Ron mused, who was going to know? Except, presumably, Kreacher – and please, God, Kreacher wouldn’t tell. Thing is, Ron would know. Every time he saw Fleur he’d think about… oh, that was just too awful to consider. But still not as awful as reality.

“Then Kreacher will cast the spell. Master must shut his eyes.”


Obediently, Ron closed his eyes. Please let this not be too embarrassing. Please. He waited a minute or so, then, unable to bear the silence, he opened them.

Oh no. Oh. No. It wasn’t Fleur. That much could be said for the person who now stood before him. It wasn’t Fleur.

It was Harry.

“Um…” Ron’s voice came out as a strangled croak. “I don’t think it’s worked.”

“Do you still see Kreacher?” And it sounded like Harry, too.

“Well, no…”

“Then it must have worked.”

“But…” Ron fumbled for words. “It’s just that you don’t look quite like I… well, like I thought you would.”

“You see what you most desire,” ‘Harry’ said matter-of-factly.

Oh shit. The worst thing was, the more chance he had to think about it, the more Ron had an awful feeling that Kreacher-Harry was right. He always had had a bit of a… well, thing for Harry.

“Right. Um. Do you know what you look like?”

“Ron, I don’t just look like Harry, I am Harry, okay?”

“Yeah. Except you’re Kreacher. Oh God, Harry, you’re Kreacher.”

Harry strode towards Ron and shook him violently.

“No, I’m not. Okay? I look like me, I talk like me, and I think like me. I am me, and please don’t keep telling me I’m someone else or I’ll go mad. Now, are you going to take me to bed or am I going to take you?”

“Seriously, the Harry I know would never have said something like that.”

Harry grinned.

“Seriously, the Harry I know has been dying to say that for ages and has never had the guts.”

Harry still had his hands on Ron’s shoulders, and he leaned in towards him to kiss him with a shy sort of gentleness which Ron found oddly touching. It was, probably, how Real-Harry would have acted if – Ron sighed to himself - if he’d fancied him. Ron found himself responding, shutting his eyes and embracing his best friend (who was really Kreacher… no, Ron couldn’t start thinking like that, or he’d be the one going mad) with an affection he’d have died rather than shown under any other circumstances.

The kiss became longer, more prolonged. Ron pressed closer to Harry and realised that Harry was already aroused. His erection was straining and pushing against Ron’s leg and Ron… Ron found it a fucking turn-on, and he was So Glad that no one was ever going to find out about this. Especially not Harry. Apart from the fact that this Was Harry, obviously. Not Kreacher. (Ron’s burgeoning hard-on sank like a stone as the House-Elf came to mind again. How were they ever going to get through this?)

“Ron…” Harry whimpered. “I know what you’re thinking.”

“God, I hope not.” Ron’s response was heart-felt.

Harry sighed.

“Look, I’m not Kreacher, okay? I’m Harry. Ask me questions that Kreacher wouldn’t know. Do something, because this… Please, Ron!”

And Harry sounded all uncertain again, and Ron really shouldn’t find that so appealing, but he did; and he had a feeling it was because it was Harry, and Harry was always the brave one, and to hear him sounding like he really wanted Ron to want him was just…

“Sorry, Harry.”

And this time it was Ron’s turn to move in for the kiss. This kiss was even better than the last, which had had a few disadvantages as they turned their heads the wrong way, and generally showed their inexperience. Now, it was like they’d been at it for ages, and Harry was – Harry was good at this (and Ron really really REALLY should not be jealous of Ginny, because resenting your younger sister for having a relationship with your best friend was just wrong. Even if you were about to have sex with him).

Harry pulled him towards the bed, where they collapsed in a tangled heap of body parts – and, okay, maybe they hadn’t got this whole thing entirely sorted yet, but Ron was beginning to think he wouldn’t mind working on it. Harry’s hands were frenzied and eager on his body, and it was… well, granted Ron hadn’t had much experience with girls, but he’d had some and this definitely wasn’t the same. It was considerably, enormously better. Which might be just because it was Harry (YES, it was Harry) but whatever the reason it was fucking great and Ron wasn’t about to analyse it too far in case it went away again.

“Oh God, yes,” he groaned, his own hands pushing aside Harry’s robes.



Ron’s hand slid around Harry’s cock as he spoke. He looked up into Harry’s eyes, still shielded by glasses. Harry gave a lopsided smile.

“Do this often?” he said breathlessly as Ron began to move his hand.

Ron kept his eyes on Harry’s. It was impossible to believe that it was anyone but Harry when he was staring right into those familiar eyes. Okay, he’d once seen seven versions of him (hell, he’d been Harry, once – and that was seriously not something to be thinking about now) but somehow… there was something about this Harry that seemed right. It wasn’t just someone acting Harry, it was Harry himself. And God, Ron fancied him. Ron’s hand moved with slow precision, then faster.

“Yeah. Regularly,” he said.

Harry tugged at Ron’s robes, and Ron heard a button pop off.

“Watch it,” he complained. “That’s my best dress robes, that is.”

“Don’t you know you’re not supposed to wear your wedding clothes more than once?” Harry countered; but his fingers sought out the buttons and unfastened them in a more traditional manner before he thrust the robes over Ron’s shoulders.

Ron removed his hand from Harry long enough to pull the robes off, then returned to what he had been doing. Harry, with Ron naked in front of him, took advantage to nibble every section of his partner that he could reach. Ron hadn’t realised that it was possible to have… Hermione would have called it ‘an erogenous zone’ (and he could do without thinking about her right now, either)… just underneath his ribs. He was sure it had never been one before, but… and Ron stopped thinking under Harry’s sensual attack.

“Fuck, mate,” he muttered, suppressing a moan with difficulty.

“I could say the same,” Harry breathed, his glasses lopsided. “Oh hell,” he added, removing them with an irritated gesture.

“I thought you couldn’t see without them.”

Harry grinned.

“I can’t, much. But I can feel you. Seems like a good plan to me.”

Ron nodded.


“In fact…” Harry sounded shy again. “I’d been thinking of doing this…”

He lowered his mouth still further on Ron’s body, twisting himself to allow Ron to keep his hand on his erection. Harry’s mouth dropped lower and lower until it just touched the tip of Ron’s cock. A pink tongue poked out and gave a tentative lick.

“Oh, shit.”

“Not good?” Harry asked anxiously.

“Well good, Harry. Mate, I…”

Ron closed his eyes and tried to stop himself from thrusting himself towards Harry’s mouth. He’d experienced this before, but – oh, why stop denying it, when the glamour spell had proved it once and for all? – never with Harry, whom he loved more than any other. Harry seemed to have got the message, however, and his tongue was squirming and sliding all over Ron until Ron couldn’t help but jerk towards him. Then… God, Harry had taken him in his mouth and…

“Oh, fuck, stop or I’ll…” Ron thought of Kreacher again, and the fear of coming too soon faded. So did the erection.

“Ro-on,” whinged Harry. “You’re thinking about that again.”

“And since when did you become a mind-reader?”

Harry grinned.

“Since I saw you like this.”

He lunged towards Ron and kissed his mouth. Ron could taste… well, himself, he thought in bemusement… on Harry’s lips. That shouldn’t be a good thing, but anything that happened between him and Harry at the moment seemed to turn him on. Except… but he was NOT going to keep thinking about that.

He began to move his hand, which was still apparently attached to Harry’s penis, and had got mysteriously sweaty, as if his hand was managing to get aroused by the proximity without the rest of him having thought about it.

“And yes,” Harry panted, a bead of sweat sliding down his face (Ron had to resist a weird urge to lick it off), “I had noticed what you are doing with your hand.”

Shortly, without consciously intending it, without even realising it was happening until it had happened, and certainly with no real idea of how they’d got like this, Ron’s cock was squeezing inside Harry, gently at first as he met resistance, but then as the resistance broke, moving harder and faster and… “Come on,” Ron heard himself yelling. Harry had his head bent back and Ron had one hand in his hair and was somehow tugging at it for purchase (or rather, why not admit it, because it felt good). His hand moved up and down Harry’s erection until Harry came; and the sight made Ron follow suit, and they lay sweaty and panting in a heap on the bed.

Time stood still.


“Um, Ron…”

Harry’s voice seemed to penetrate a strange thick fog surrounding him. Ron was suddenly brought back to the present.

“Oh God, no…” Because Harry wasn’t Harry at all. Ron sat bolt upright, looking at Harry with horrified eyes. “Can you just give me a chance to get dressed, or something, before…”

“Before what?”

“Before you… oh bloody hell, before you turn back.”

“Yeah, about that,” said Harry slowly.

“No, please, honestly, I really don’t want to know,” Ron babbled uncomfortably. “I mean, it was a good thing and all and I’m really glad that you did it, but I don’t want to know the details and I really don’t want to think about it and I’m sorry if I’m pissing you off here, but I really can’t…”

“Ron, shut up!” Harry raised his voice to a yell.


“Ron, I’m Harry, okay?” It was Harry’s turn to look uncomfortable. “Don’t say anything, just for a second, please. Then you can kill me, all right?”


Ron looked at his friend nervously. It didn’t help that Harry himself was looking a strange sort of colour and didn’t seem to be able to meet his eye. Harry took a deep breath.

“It was Ginny’s idea.” He paused.

“What was?” Ron demanded. “I mean, I know it was!”

“Please, Ron, shut up. Look, she said she was fed up with us messing around and never sorting things out so she… kindofplannedthistosortitout,” Harry finished in a rush.


“I’m not Kreacher and I’m – oh God, this is going to sound dreadful, but every time I got anywhere near asking you if you might like… you kept making comments about how I ought to get back with Ginny, and… I just had to know and Ginny said that you did fancy me, you were just in denial and that if I only…”

“Harry!” Ron put a hand on Harry’s arm and stared fixedly at him. “You mean, you’re Harry.”

“I’ve been telling you that all along,” protested Harry. Ron fell back onto the bed and shut his eyes. “Ron, I’m sorry. Ron…”

“Oh, thank God,” Ron said fervently. He opened his eyes again and prodded Harry gently. “You do mean it, don’t you? I mean – you are Harry? You’re not just trying to make me feel better? You’re not” (he had to say it) “you’re not going to turn back into Kreacher in a minute, or something?”

“Is… this the moment just before you start yelling?” Harry asked nervously.

“You’re not Kreacher. Oh Harry, you’re not Kreacher. Harry, mate, you’re…”

“Not Kreacher,” Harry finished. He hesitated, then went on. “Ron, you do understand what I’m saying, don’t you? I… er… kind of forced you into this, and…”

Ron frowned.

“You mean… you knew all along you weren’t Kreacher?” He processed his question and realised the idiocy of it. “YOU MADE ME MARRY KREACHER!” he bellowed.


“You! You and Ginny! You…”

“NO, Ron…”

Ron gaped at him like a stranded codfish.


Harry took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.

“You married me,” he said sheepishly.

“Harry, I’m not stupid, all right? I know who I was standing next to and it wasn’t you, okay?”

“Glamour spell,” Harry murmured apologetically. “In reverse, sort of.”

Ron stared at him without speaking for two solid minutes. Then, finally, he spoke.

“Harry,” he said slowly, “it’s a good job you’re married to me, otherwise I’d kill you." He paused. "Now, where’s Ginny…?”
4th February 2008 17:35
Oh I like this! Although I believed Harry was Harry I did have a shred of fear that at any moment it still might be Kreacher. Nice of Ginny to plan it. Great job.
4th February 2008 18:38
So did I! I didn't know until near the time I'd finished writing it that it definitely wasn't Kreacher, although I sincerely hoped it wasn't! And it did get Ginny the opportunity of marrying Tonks, too (so yeah, okay, I break canon a tad there, but in my head Ginny and Tonks get together soon after the end of DH. Forget the epilogue and death!)
4th February 2008 18:06
Bwahahahahaha! Sneaky Ginny and Harry.
Brilliant plan. *g*
I was very afraid to click on the link, actually. So glad I did now. :)
Nice job, darling.
4th February 2008 18:40
I nearly didn't forgive my brain when it started giving me this plot bunny. I wanted to run away and hide, but mock marriage leapt out at me and yelled "RON AND KREACHER" and - oh, I'm so relieved it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be!

I'm glad you liked it. I had to put Ron/Kreacher as one of the pairings, just to keep people guessing, but I'm not sure how much readership I'll get ;)
4th February 2008 19:12
Ha. This is very funny. I like that it was originally Harry as Kreacher, I was guessing that Harry stepped in some time while Ron wasn't looking.
4th February 2008 19:22
Because I didn't really know what was going on when I was writing, I wasn't quite sure WHAT happened (and whether marriage vows are invalid if you're saying the wrong name, which presumably the celebrant was... but let's gloss over that for the moment!)...
4th February 2008 19:55
*is insanely relieved that Harry wasn't Kreacher after all*

*is laughing hysterically at Ron's inner monologue*
4th February 2008 19:59
I don't know why, but I can imagine myself in Ron's head quite easily, despite the fact I don't identify with him. Mind you - imagine having sex with someone you think is Kreacher... No, on second thoughts - don't!

As I've said before, as I was 'being' Ron, I didn't know it wasn't Kreacher until Harry said. OH, the RELIEF! And that was just as the writer! No wonder Ron was relieved!
4th February 2008 22:44
Very amusing work! So very sneaky of Ginny and Harry. In all honesty, I probably would have continued to read if it had really been Kreacher, just out of morbid curiosity of course, lol. Well done.~Sophia
5th February 2008 03:24

I think this is the only place I could write something that might even POSSIBLY be Ron/Kreacher. I'm not sure whether this is a good or bad thing ;)
5th February 2008 01:29
What a relief! And I'm not poor Ron.

Ginny deserves a little punishment for putting her poor brother through the anguish - but it all worked out in the end.

Very funny - it was a tough prompt.
5th February 2008 03:25
Oh, I think Ginny can look after herself ;)

I had real trouble with all of the possibilities for this month and oh, I was slightly squicked when I thought I was writing Ron/Kreacher, so I'm delighted to have comments!
5th February 2008 03:36
I thought they were very tough this month - I'm glad mine is done, too. I ended up by doing something totally unexpected and I'm rather pleased with it.
5th February 2008 01:44
So much fun! I was totally curious about Ron/Kreacher in a strange, sorta-squicked way, so I loved how it all worked out!

Very hot, too. *g*
5th February 2008 03:27
I did wonder whether I'd cheated a little bit but I was too busy being glad with Ron that it wasn't Kreacher to care :)
5th February 2008 02:27
Hee! I love the twist to this. And the last paragraph--*dies laughing*
5th February 2008 03:28

Poor Ron. But I think Ginny will be just fine :)
5th February 2008 05:49
I confess that I did something I've never done before and skipped to the end before I read the rest. I just couldn't make myself read this until I knew for sure. And here I thought I was un-squickable. *g*

Ron is hilarious in this. And Ginny and Harry scheming is made of win.
5th February 2008 08:54
Ah, [info]daily_deviant: where all your squicks come out to play :)

I enjoy writing Ron. I find it quite hard to write sex scenes with him, but he's got such a great 'voice' to write that sometimes it just has to happen :)
6th February 2008 18:47
Okay, this was awesome, and had me grinning a lot :D.
6th February 2008 19:01

And that was not a reaction I anticipated - but one I'm very glad of. Ron really is fun to write, but there's always the temptation to be a little bit mean to him...
9th February 2008 12:57
LOL poor Ron... er, no, wait, lucky Ron!
9th February 2008 15:39
It was all done for his own good, after all :)
10th February 2008 05:25
Bwahahaha! ::wipes tears of mirth from eyes:: Oh, man. Ron is just so very... RON! In fact, that's quite possibly the most Ron-like Ron EVER. Kreacher! ::dies laughing again:: So many good lines in here, but "magic multi-meta-morph-babies" FTW!
10th February 2008 14:22
Yay for IC! But that's also the reason I rarely write explicit Ron fics. He will insist on being very Ron-ish all the way through :)

9th April 2008 13:47 - Awwww.....
**Sitting here enjoying the warm-fuzziness of first fumbles**

So relieved that the glamour spell wasn't just going to make Kreacher sexy. I'm still trying to block images of Ron with a nostril-hair fetish.

Obliviate! Obliviate!

Darn! Still not working.
12th April 2008 15:43 - Re: Awwww.....
I do apologise for the Kreacherness. But Ron is just SO MUCH FUN to write :)
27th July 2010 17:04
AHAHAHA, late to the party on this one, I fear, but omg that was awesome. So unique! I loved every bit of dialogue between Ron and Harry, and ;alskdf the sex was marvellous, too. :)
27th July 2010 18:13
*laughs like a drain*

Oh, that was SWEET! Excellent stuff :-)
27th July 2010 18:54
Oh, what a thing to do to poor Ron!

27th July 2010 20:52
*dies laughing*

Oh, awesome!
10th August 2010 03:44
The best sort of crack! I love the ending... I didn't really see it coming and was a little squicked out because... I mean it's Kreacher having sex, but I'm glad Ginny and Harry both love Ron enough to not give him that fate!

Haha, it was very well done and enjoyable:)
10th September 2010 02:46
Ahaha, this is fantastic! So clever, and sweetly awkward, and funny. :-)
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