New phone, new number. Old one got, well, crushed, and I was getting calls from sales people too much anyway. Did you know you actually have a limit to how many numbers you can block at any given time? So if you get a text from someone that seems like they know you but you don't recognize the number, it might be me.
Someone needs to perfect the indestructible phone, by the way.
I'm not entirely convinced we didn't take a wrong turn into a black hole, Honey Bear. But they're saying it's not my fault and that you should get me a drink.
Twins was the universe's way of saying "you're welcome" and "fuck you" all in one. Is summer over yet? WAIT, better idea: Jim, can we send them to summer camp? Like those obnoxious ones in the movies. They can parent trap someone, learn how to make moonshine, it'll be great.
All right, I've got two kids accounted for, one to go. She's probably burning the place down. Leggy, blonde, likes guns and needs her mouth washed out with soap?