Front Lines Communications

Oh come on!

EVERYTHING SUCKS THIS WEEK! AND I HATE BASELINES! THEY'RE AWFUL!!!

It was so great seeing so many people at Baseline Mingle!

I know I was the first one to like 'come out', but seriously, it's awesome that so many of you are following in my footsteps!

It was also so great seeing so many of my Baseline fans there!

And I got a package from my agent!

Everything's coming up Nik!

Ugh, I need a personal assistant.

How am I supposed to find a D-List celebrity boyfriend before Baseline Mingle tonight?! Pap shots with a D-Lister boyfriend at a social event are a crucial part in my rise to fame! Can anyone help me out here? I'll even settle for some CW nobody.

I mean, obviously I should be getting my rest seeing as how I've got so many big meetings lined up this week, but I can't disappoint my adoring public.

Just call me classic Gaga, because I'm doing it for the fame.

FILTERED TO: ANNIE'S FRIENDS (Cole, Desmond, Lev, Hal, Stella, Amalia, Phoebe, Eddie, Nik, Ro)

Are you guys gonna tell your parents???

Taylor Swift totally just needs to stop. The song isn't even that great, and she's making it about coming for someone again? And, like, I am not sure who?

Because if it's Katy Perry again, she needs to back the fuck up, because Firework is my #Jam

And if it's Kim K, then is she like. Attacking all of us? Because Kendall Jenner is an atavist, so Kim's probably one too, right? Or like. Is the atavist gene on the Jenner side of things, so it skips Kim? Is that how it works? That's how it works, right?

Who wants to come with me to heckle these losers? I have a picnic blanket, a six pack of wine coolers, and some edibles, so it'll be a good time.

Trying to tell me my audition monologue was 'too intense' and that I was 'too naked'. Pretentious losers thinking they're awesome just because they do Shakespears.

Jesse, you owe me, so you're in.

Objectify Daddy™

Is the Project seriously keeping Kendall Jenner in Jail?! They're so extra, what the hell. She probably doesn't even deserve it, either!

It makes sense, though. Everything is awful. There's, like, a whole new kind of plastic surgery dedicated entirely to butts and it's super expensive. So I guess I have to worry about that now.

Everything sucks.

Is Kim an atavist to

So I heard The Way Of All Flesh like, always has tickets for Hamilton. Is that actually true? Or is it like the wine in church, where they hype it up to get people in the door, and then it's not really good wine at all?

Speaking of religion. Let's say you bought a big bag of easter candy that was marked down because it was kind of messed up and just looked like blobs instead of bunnies and chickens, and then you scored some LSD gummy bears for cheap because they looked like blobs too, instead of bears. And they got mixed together.

There's science for separating them again, right?

So like. Does rent on the Atavist apartments get cheaper the better we get with our powers or something? Or can I get a discount if I give P:A information or volunteer for frisking practice or something?

Or does anyone want a Stuytown roommate? Think of the benefits! Rent-splitting! Food sharing! Pillow fights? idk handstuff?

I'm also selling a whole box of Herbalife products if anyone wants. It's not as bad as you're heard!

[ROOSTER Staff]

So wait, when did we institute a 'No Handjobs' rule?

And Uhm. Why did someone feel the need to type it up, print it out, and put it inside my locker? Rude.

I was totes inspired by the Throwback Auction. I think from now on I'm going to require that my first dates make a donation to Greenwich before we can make out. For a good cause! And, y'know, to prove they're not cheap.