Front Lines Communications

what a day to be still alive! i'm working up the courage to check my bank account balance, haha.

[EDDIE, RAJ (separately)]

HELP

The Daily Daddy Discourse Digest (D⁴):

i only need a sugar daddy for two things:

1. a handful of beta testers
2. about $1000/mo in dedicated server costs

and then y'all can have him back. (or her, daddy is a gender neutral term ^{[citation needed]})

alternatively, a VC. i'm very open-minded.

[RAJ]

can i ask you some probing personal questions, not as a journalist but as a confused human being?

[EDDIE]

this is so unchristian of me, talking about shep behind his back. but dude, what the hell happened with shep?

[SHEP]

hey bud. feeling ok?

raj and i are at defcon and it is THE OPPOSITE OF CHILL. this is the most paranoid fun i've ever had in my whole life, which i guess is what happens when you go to a hackerfest as a n00b. i'm actually writing this from my phone on 4G in a shake shack a half mile out because you can never be too careful. 👀

hot takes:

1. in even more comforting news, US voting machines are totally hackable. i wonder how secure this government-issued app is?
   
2. caesar's palace is the tackiest place i've ever been and i love it. who wants to get married?
   
3. just kidding, i already married raj.
   
4. just kidding, i didn't.

brb my burger calls

[Arthur]

the TOP 3 REASONS byte magazine should comp my trip to defcon:

1. our readers love hackers, will appreciate my Hackers (1995) references
   
2. defcon hacked that first bluetooth vibrator, imagine getting a story from the ground level this time!
   
3. raj singh is going so we could split the cost of the hotel and you know i don't eat "real" food so really you couldn't send anyone cheaper

what's with that fire, anyway? did you reach out to p:a and get told nothing? should i?

pride was EXHAUSTING and i'm not even gay but i just discovered kpop and at first i was SHOOK but now everything is so, so good

i've also had a lot of beer

( a real IC cut, because Joe is Kind (also ETA this post is NSFW!!) )

moving out with 1 laptop, 1 turntable, 1 box clothes, 2 sets speakers, 3 unopened cases soylent, and 29 pairs sneakers. huh. #priorities?

[Joe's friends, minus all Responsible Adults (add urselves)]

ok but can anyone confirm/deny the existence of BUTTHOWL? is it real? if so, who's done it?

...aphra?

hey guys. my lease is up soon, and i'm looking to get out of the subterranean shoebox i call my domicile and into stuytown, where they tell me the ceilings are at least 6' high. anyone looking for a roommate? and yeah, i know there's a board for this kind of thing, but i'm special.

like, you kinda have to be cool with some bugs. other than that, i'm an ideal roommate. 100% normal. 21 M, software developer slash tech writer, heterosexual (if that's important?), good at math, very hygienic. i basically stare at my laptop screen all day, i don't make a mess in the kitchen because i get all the nutrients i require from soylent, and i can't hear anything you're doing because i have my headphones on most of the time.

oh and must be 4/20 friendly, not that i'd ever inhale, imbibe, or otherwise indulge in a schedule I controlled substance on government property of course, it's just that our political views on the topic must be compatible.

ok cool that's all for now folks, lmk

two questions which seem unrelated but actually are:

1. if anyone owns any bluetooth or wifi-enabled vibrators and wants to loan them temporarily to science, would you let me know? i'm not gonna use them for their intended purpose, i'm just gonna test their security, i promise. boy scout's honor 🤞🏾

filter me, or text me at (617) 555-8901 and we can arrange a completely anonymous drop-off and pick-up.

2. do we have any lawyers in our midst? wanna be my expert source on interpreting some legalese?

i should mention that i'm writing a thing for a thing. not telling you more because i don't want to jinx it. 😓

[Arthur]

hey. have you thought of setting up a strongbox for submissions to the bulletin? looks like the MAL have already worked out how to get their $.02 heard, but they're probably not the only ones who'd value the anonymity.

it'd have to be outside the network, obvs, because i'd be SHOCKED if P:A isn't monitoring everything that goes on here...and that might be tricky, for secrecy reasons. still, i could help you set it up.

ok are we going to talk about the fact that a BUILDING BLEW UP in midtown today? because even if you're not, i'll tell you who is. the ROACHES will not shut up about it. i didn't see it, feel it, or hear it from below times square, which is kind of unfortunately where i live, but they know and i think they're gearing for the apocalypse. only they call it "time of New Darkness" which is their creepy way of saying that all humans are going to die and they'll rule the earth in perpetual darkness, so it's like, a really good thing for them so i'm like, you know what? good for you, i'm really happy for you guys, but stop. (they also told me i might survive because i'm the only Large Foot who's been shown The Way. ha ha ha.)

this whole reporting for cash business has kinda left a sour taste in my mouth. like, i get that new atavists need help asap, i get that. but why is it that p:a has to provide a monetary incentive to do it? are we all that cynical and mistrustful that we need to be bribed?

and if so, then like: why are y'all so cynical and mistrustful that you need to be bribed? genuine question for genuine answer, please

[GARRETT]

sorry i LMGTFY'd you, bruh. kinda gave the wrong impression

[ISAAC]

can i talk to you?

[FATHER TED]

hey do you ever get weird about people calling you padre because you're only like, 27 or whatever?