I Resist the Muses

Tell about one of the happiest moments in your life.

Oh. Now this is going to sound rather strange, but the happiest moment of my life was the day I regained consciousness after my ordeal on Thangorodrim.  I had been as near to death as any elf could be, and still be alive; I was emaciated from starvation, badly injured from the torture I'd endured from Morgoth as well as from where Findekano had struck off my hand to save me.  Every part of my body hurt, and my right arm most of all.

And yet, he was there. I had recalled seeing him on the mountain with me, before I lost consciousness, but I had thought it a dream. I had thought him to still remain in Valinor while my father and brothers and I had crossed into Beleriand. My father had ordered the ships burned so that Findekano and his kin could not follow us, and from that moment on, I had believed that I would never see him again.

When I opened my eyes that day and realised that he was there, really there, and it wasn't a dream, my fea soared with joy.  To be separated from the one to whom your soul is bonded in such a way, is a terrible thing. Without Findekano I could never be complete, and to find myself reunited with him, despite the physical pain I was in, that was without doubt the happiest moment of my life.

maedhros // silmarillion

"You don't mind where you are because you know where you've been..." - Carbon Leaf

Are all these prompts getting repetitive, or is it just me that has no imagination? It seems to me that no matter what the prompt is my answer remains the same - some angst about how terrible things were in Beleriand, at the Nirnaeth or on Thangorodrim, followed by some comment about how grateful I am that things are different now.

I think I would like to rephrase this quote. I don't mind where I've been, because I know where I am.  Had things not gone the way they did, I would have remained in Valinor, I would not even be here now. And without the experiences that shaped me through the First Age, I would be a person quite different from the way I am now.

maedhros // silmarillion

Write about your muses favorite food. Describe a complete dinner from their point of view.

To start with, it would be vegetarian. I used to eat meat, indeed for quite some time in Beleriand, particularly after my brothers and I lived in Ossiriand after the Nirnaeth, we relied entirely on hunting game for our sustenance. But when you've spent decades eating small animals you've shot or trapped yourself, cooked over an inadequate campfire and eaten in the rain, it tends to be rather off-putting. Nowadays, I don't really like meat at all, so I just don't bother with it.

One thing I never really learned how to do, was cook (aside from those campfire meals). I had a wealthy and priviledged upbringing, and while my mother did most of the cooking for the family, there were also servants, who would cater for the parties and gatherings that my parents hosted. So I never had to cook at home, it was always done for me.

Later, after losing a hand, well. Have you ever tried cutting and preparing food with one hand? It's next to impossible. So again, most of the time I was left with little choice but either allow someone else to prepare it, or eat it with as little preparation as possible.

Now, living in the Seventh Age, I find things considerably easier, though my skills are still limited to the freezer-to-microwave cuisine. I'm a scavenger by nature when it comes to food - perhaps a remnant of those days of poverty and near-starvation, so I will often just raid the 'fridge for whatever is there. Cheese, bread, salad, raw vegetables, pasta, leftover pizza, cold potatoes, fruit. Anything I can just pile on a plate and eat with my fingers. I'm not fond of highly spiced food either. Plain and simple is always best.

Of course there has to be dessert. A rich chocolate cake.



maedhros // Silmarillion

I think I will take this quote one line at a time.

But my dreams they aren't as empty
This part is very true. I have dreams, as you may recall from my last post, and they are certainly not empty. Thankfully not all of them are flashbacks to war and torture and death. Some of them are just plain ordinary dreams, just like anyone else's.

As my conscious seems to be
How can my conscious be empty? If it was I'd be unconscious. I did think that the word ought to be "conscience" which makes a lot more sense, but then it becomes totally untrue for me. My conscience is far from empty - on the contrary it overflows like the Falls of Sirion.

I have hours, only lonely
I am immortal. I do not have hours, I have for ever. That's a long time to harbour guilt.

My love is vengeance
My first reaction to this was never, but then I thought about the hours I spent fighting with Findekano, the times I screamed that I hated him. And my father's love for his own father became an errand of vengance against his killer. Maybe my own decision to abdicate the crown to my uncle was an act of vengeance too; an act against the brothers who had wanted me dead. There are only three loves in my life that have never been tainted by vengeance. My mother, my brother Macalaure, and my lover grey.

That's never free
No-one is ever truly free.

- The Who (Behind Blue Eyes)

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
-- 30 Seconds To Mars

Oh, if only it was that simple.  I would give anything to be able to forget; when I wake in the night in a cold sweat of terror, reliving those days of torture in Angband, the days of grief following Findekano's death, the days when my sword was dead with the blood of those I'd killed; not just orcs but elves too.  To wash away the past is impossible because it happened and it cannot be un-done or unwound. I will never be able to wash that guilt and that blood from my memories, my heart.

I do my best to forget, or at least to try not to think about it any more. I live in a very different world now, this modern age. There are no orcs here, no battles, no Silmarils. The streets here do not run red with blood. But elves have long lives, and our very nature ensures that we do not completely forget.

For 24 Hours, you're given the chance to step in and take over a company, the presidency, or something else of your choosing. What do you do with that 24 hours?

Um.  *shuffles feet*  I don't know the first thing about human businesses.  I already turned down the opportunity to run a kingdom: running my own family was difficult enough.  Taking responsibility for something so important to so many people? I would no doubt screw that up as thoroughly as I screwed up the whole of Beleriand.

No, I would assume that the board of directors already know what they're doing, I'd tell them to carry on doing exactly that, and I'd walk away with the paycheck for one day's salary plus dividends in my pocket.

There are people I would take a bullet for and people I would like to put a bullet in.

The people I would take a bullet for - any of my brothers, and Kano, and Sindo. As for putting a bullet into, the people I would have liked to do that to are dead anyway. And I am sorry but I really can't think of anything else to say about this topic. What's the next question?

Maedhros // Silmarillion

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Do you agree with this statement? Why or why not?

"...Fingon cut off his hand above the wrist, and Thorondor bore them back to Mithrim. There Maedhros in time was healed; for the fire of life was hot within him, and his strength was of the ancient world, such as those posessed who were nurtured in Valinor. His body recovered from his torment and became hale, but the shadow of his pain was in his heart; and he lived to wield his sword with his left hand more deadly than his right had been." - The Silmarillion - JRR Tolkien

So many of these questions make me think of Thangorodrim. And well they might, for it was the event that forged me to be what I was ever after, and still am.

I do not know how long I was captive in Angband. Some say I hung on that mountain for fifty years, which is frankly ridiculous, not even the strongest elf could have lasted so long in such conditions. I lost count of the time I was held captive in the dungeons below the mountain, but I would be surprised if it were longer than three or four years. As for hanging on the cliffs of Thangorodrim, that was only when Morgoth grew bored with me, and was but a few days. I was almost dead already, even at the start of that final torment, and would likely have lived not many more days had Findekano not found me.

Did it make me stronger? People said that it did, but I'm not convinced. It certainly made me harder - a tough shell, a thick scar that covers and protects the tender flesh beneath. My body healed though the scars remained, and my right shoulder never quite fully recovered, always to give me pain again in cold weather. But inside, I never did heal. Always there were nightmares of the torture, and that shadow on my fea that changed me for ever.

I do not think that the experience made me stronger because it did not kill me. I think it only failed to kill me because I was already as strong as I could be. Had I been any weaker, I would not have survived.

I am made of copper, forged in the fires of Angband.

Maedhros / The Silmarillion

It's almost spring. How does the weather or change in seasons affect your mood?

Spring was always my favourite season of the year, although spring would come late to Himring, it being in the north of Beleriand. Some years the snow would lie thick until April, and when it was gone it was like being released from prison - to look out one morning over the plains below the mountains and find the white replaced by green and gold.

Of course the melting of the snow meant only one thing to me: the mountain passes between Hithlum and Himring would be clear, and that would mean a visit from Findekano. It would take a rider twelve days to make the journey, though Kano always claimed he could do it in nine, I was never quite sure that I believed him. By the time he arrived it would usually be early May, and he would stay the whole summer, until the early snows of October warned him that he would need to leave if he were to get back before the passes were blocked once more.

Decades after Findekano's death, my brothr Macalaure and I fostered two elflings, Elrond and Elros, who grew to be wise and well-known. When they were very small, they celebrated their birthdays year after year, and they could not understand that Macalaure and I had no birthdays, because we were born before time was measured by sun and moon. The children insisted that we picked birthdays anyway, so they could celebrate ours too, and I picked a day in early May, because thinking about Kano's arrival at that time of year always gave me cause to celebrate.

And so spring is always my favourite time of year, when the last of the snow is gone, the trees once again bear leaf and blossom, and flowers paint the meadows in colour. It's a time for hope, and happy memories.

Character: Maedhros
Fandom: The Silmarillion

What have you done that you wish you could apologize for?

Everything.

The whole thing, from the day my brothers and father and I swore that terrible oath, until the day I died, 500 years later, at the end of the First Age.

When my father took up a brand against the ships at Losgar and burned them, I alone stood back, realising the error of what we were doing. He looked at me that day with hate in his eyes, and said to me "If you do not stand with me, you stand with him." (meaning Morgoth). I was afraid then, afraid that he was right. Afraid of what would happen if I broke my oath and did not follow through until the bitter end.

And so I killed. My sword dripped red with the blood of other elves, and I could not stop or turn back because I dared not break the oath. Even after my father was killed I could not escape the grip of his control over me. I and my brothers were condemned as Kinslayers, and rightly so.

But what use an apology? It does not bring back those I murdered. It does not put right the wrongs I committed. I cannot apologise. All I can do is grieve.

Character: Maedhros
Fandom: The Silmarillion

( Valentines Day )
Maedhros / Silmarillion
362 words.

( Write a letter to yourself at some point in the past. )

I never read it, did I?

Character: Maedhros
Fandom: The Silmarillion

"If your number one goal is to make sure that everyone likes and approves of you, then you risk sacrificing your uniqueness and, therefore, your excellence"

Yes.

Is there even anything more that needs to be said about this? I never cared whether or not anyone liked me or approved of me except maybe my father - but he never did. I just did what was necessary to achieve my goals. I was not particularly well-liked, in fact I'm sure the mere mention of my name incited wrath and hatred amongst the Sindarin. Did I care? Not one bit.

Now, I find I've mellowed in this age of peace, and I've discovered that people actually do like me after all.

Character: Maedhros
Fandom: The Silmarillion

If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear? - Confucius

Ignorance.

Really, should this even have to be explained? If you look into your heart and find nothing wrong there, then either you are not looking hard enough, or you have no heart at all. No-one, not even the Valar, the gods themselves, have pure, flawless hearts.

And that is all I can think of to say about this.

Character: Maedhros
Fandom: Silmarillion

"Any man who has the guts to sell his soul for love has the power to change the world" From Ghost Rider

Hmm. Without getting into a debate about the philosophical definition of the soul, I suppose what this quote is talking about, is ultimate sacrifice. It's about whether or not you have the guts to sacrifice whatever is the MOST valuable thing to your own well-being. For most people, whether they believe in the existance of the soul or not, it's a symbol of an ultimate sacrifice.

This gets me to thinking what I sacrificed, and what I sacrificed it for, and whether I changed the world in so doing. These are not comfortable thoughts.

It could easily be said that I sold my soul. I sold it to my father, for the oath he swore. For what we believed was right at the time, for the cause of good against evil, in pursuit of what was rightfully ours. Later it would become clear that we had made a terrible mistake. By selling my soul I changed, much for the worse; and because little better than that which we labelled "evil". I sacrificed innocence. I sacrificed peace. I sacrificed many lives that were not mine to take.

For love? Perhaps. At one time I did truly love my father, but it was a strange and rather abusive kind of love, the kind that's threaded through with hate and fear and resentment. Truthfully I dont think I sold my soul for love. I sold it for power.

One thing is certain; we changed the world. We all but destroyed it. Nothing was ever the same afterwards.

Character: Maedhros
Fandom: Silmarillion

It was snowing when Findekano brought me down from Thangorodrim, although by then I was too weak to notice. Later, when I was stronger, he stood at my window watching the flakes fall, and he wept. I put my arm around him. "Why do you weep, meldonya?"

"Because I never wish to see snow again as long as I live," he replied. And he told me then, how his father had led the host of Nolofinwe to cross the Helcaraxe; the Grinding Ice that connected Valinor with Beleriand in the far north. They had crossed on foot, because they had no other means of transport, and many had been lost along the way. A hundred, including the wife of his brother Turukano, had died in one incident alone, when a bank of snow gave way and they plunged into a gully. When he spoke of Turukano, and the loss of Elenwe, his weeping intensified.

"Poor little Itarille," he sobbed. "She lost her mother and now she may die, or may lose her..." Findekano's voice shook, and he looked at me, his face as pale as the white sky outside. "...she may never walk again, Timo. Her feet, the frost got to her feet..." I held him while he wept, and I looked out the window at the falling snow, and cursed my father for having caused all of this, for had he not burned the ships at Losgar, Elenwe would still live, and her little daughter would be unharmed.

It was to be many, many years before Findekano could look upon snow again without trembling, without closing his eyes, without having to try to force himself to forget. Itarille survived, and the healers who worked on restoring the life to her frozen feet had such success that not only were her feet saved, but as she grew she was able to run and dance and skip as though nothing had ever happened. The only sign of her ordeal was that ever after, her feet remained white, and so she was called Celebrindal, Silver-foot.

Celebrindal danced under moonlight in the gardens of Hithlum, her silver feet skimming the snow, her face upturned to catch the falling flakes on her hair and her eyelashes and her tongue. She ran to where we were sitting and tugged our hands. "Come, uncle Findekano, uncle Nelyafinwe. Come and dance with me!" She looked up at the sky, her face as bright as the moon that shone in it. "Isn't it beautiful? It's snowing!"

Character: Maedhros
Fandom: Silmarillion

Do you believe in an afterlife? If so, what do you expect to find when you get there?

Well, yes, apparently.

I didn't though, in the past. For the Eldar, we are supposed to not die but sail into the Undying Lands, to Valinor. However because of my family's misdeeds, such a fate was barred to us and we were not permitted to re-enter Valinor.

"To the Everlasting Darkness doom us if our deed faileth."

Such was my fate, and that of my brothers and my kin. I feared death because of that, and when death finally came to me at the end of the First Age, I did find myself in that darkness. It was not to last, however. Whether I am redeemed, or if Namo merely tired of my presence, I cannot say. Either way, I find myself reborn, given a second chance.

There is an afterlife, and I am in it.

Character: Maedhros
Fandom: The Silmarillion

The red-haired elf sat at the desk looking out of the window across the garden. Although winter already, the weather was still mild, a bright, low sun making skeletal shadows of the bare trees. In his hand, he held a pen and on the desk in front of him was a sheet of paper on which he'd written "Dear Arhuaine," but that was as far as he'd got.

( Maedhros was bad at writing letters. )

Character: Maedhros
Fandom: The Silmarillion
Word count: 600

Prompt #19: In your time of need who will you turn to?

There has only ever been one that I have turned to in my hours of need (and there have been many such hours). It might surprise you to know that it would not be my beloved Findekano; although the bond between us is strong and our love for one another us unbreakable, he would not be a reliable source of support in such times. For one thing, we were not able to be together for as much as we wanted. In all the centuries we never managed more than one unbroken year together.

No, the one who was always there for me wasn't Findekano, it was my brother Macalaure. From the day he was born, to the day I died, we were together almost constantly. To begin with I was there for him; Macalaure was a nervous and rather frail child and I spent much of my time taking care of him and offering comfort to him when he was distressed. Still, he grew into a fine and strong soldier, and after I was brought down from Thangorodrim it was he who nursed me from my injuries. The necessity of war often took us in different directions but we would always come back together, and after Findekano's death we spent barely a day, or a night, apart. He would always hold me and comfort me when I could not sleep for the nightmares, when I could not speak for weeping. We raised two foster-sons together. His voice was the last thing I heard before I died.

Bonus Fic; Brother of Mine

Character: Maedhros
Fandom: The Silmarillion

Prompt #16- What moment from your life do you wish you could re-live again?

The last time I saw Findekano alive, was shortly before the start of the Nirnaeth Arnoediad, one of the major battles we fought against Morgoth. We met to discuss strategy for the battle; my forces would be coming in from a different direction from his, and he wanted to hold mine in reserve so we could strike hard once Morgoth's forces were already partly depleted. I argued that it was suicidal; even with all our forces combined we were still horribly out-numbered. I favoured joining the battle right from the start but Findekano could not be persuaded. We parted that night with harsh words between us, and I never saw him again.

Perhaps, if I could re-live that day again, I might have found some way to persuade him that his strategy was flawed. On second thoughts, he was as stubborn as myself so maybe that would not be so likely. Maybe instead I would have defied his instructions and joined the battle early instead of waiting for his signal. He would have been angry with me, but I'd sooner have him angry than dead.

At the very least, I could have told him that I loved him.

Character: Maedhros
Fandom: The Silmarillion