I Resist the Muses

 

Oh yes! I get mistaken for other elves all the time especially the blond ones!

Some times after a hard day working in meetings and organising I am so tired that I sleep soundly without dreaming.

Other times I dream about the times when I was small and I used to walk in the fields, picking ears of wheat and chewing on the berries. Then it shifts to witnessing the oath and crossing the sea. We thought we knew what we were doing and have rued that day ever since. I held no position of importance then and I am glad of that. Very few who were there survive today.

 

Last night I dreamed of Glorfindel. I think it was a dream; it seemed very real to me and I found a blond hair on my pillow. Odd that…

 

No, not at all. I do not believe in coincidence either.

 

When I was a warrior, before taking up the post of Chief Advisor, I used to go on long patrols around the borders of Imladris. This would entail a group of warriors, armed to the teeth and looking out for orcs and wargs to keep the lands free from evil. Every day we would kill a forest animal for food and look to the forest floor for roots and plants to include in a stew.

The fire would be made and lit and wooden struts tied off with twine and a crossbar would be erected to hang the meat. The skin would be stripped and the entrails removed. If the animal was small it would be left whole and hung over the fire and it was large it would be jointed and then hung. Some times, for a change, we would put the meat in a pot and cook it with the roots.

 

After a hard day ridding the borders of the presence of evil, this meal was very welcome.

 

I want everything, don’t you?

#10 My life would be much easier if…

Glorfindel has a pet goat, which he keeps in our shared garden – he lives in the rooms next door to me. Every time it sees me, it becomes excited and tries to shag my leg. What it is to be sexually exciting to your neighbours pets!

 

My life would be much easier if it would ignore me and leave me alone when I try to read a book in the sunshine.

 

I laughed when I saw Glorfindel fall off his horse; that was very funny.

Unfortunately, I always laugh if someone falls over or trips up. I cannot seem to help myself!

When I am feeling blue I ride out on the next patrol and kill some orcs. It never fails to cheer me, seeing the bastards with a sword through their guts and twisting in agony.

When there is no opportunity to go on patrol I refine my gift for sarcasm - I find it amusing.

The other day I said something trivial and Elrond looked at me and said, "The patrol doesn't come back for another three weeks but I am sure we can fit you on the next one."

Am I that obvious?

My greatest loss?

I am several thousand years old and immortal, so loss has been a recurring feature of my life.

Loss is one of the few consistencies of my life and is to be expected sooner or later. No one particular incident stands out. They were equally as sad.

They are best forgotten.

Hardly anything makes me lose my temper. I have seen the destructive nature of long running feuds starting from something so simple as to not be a cause at all; just because someone did not hold their temper in check.

 

Rudeness, I dislike but one can always counter that with sarcasm. The selfishness of others and injustice makes me angry but not enough for me to throw a full-blown fit. I prefer to work quietly behind the scenes, tacitly plotting destruction and smirk with just happiness as they fall from grace.

 

No wonder everyone fears me. It is with good reason.

 

What is my greatest fear?

 

My greatest fear is boredom. I am blessed or cursed with immortality, so it is an easy state to acquire. Humans are constantly able to fill their lives with new experiences; but elves have such long lives that new experiences rapidly run dry and we are beset by the tedium that is our existence.

 

Humans are so lucky that they have limited life spans, although they would not agree with me on that point.

 

The constant seeking out of new pleasures to alleviate our boredom leads to welcome excesses for which we are judged later, but I do not care.

 

Like any elf who has lived as long as I have, the escape of boredom is more important than considering the effects of my actions on others. I am not alone in this; the effects of another’s actions upon myself are of little consequence to them.

 

So long as life has something new each day, I am happy.

 

This is a simple one.

Lindir wrote a song for me and it was to celebrate my life. In it were such things as my sarcasm - which I have developed into an art form, my victories in the field and my love for Glorfindel who I fervently hope will one day be reborn. Other minor themes such as my accidently pissing up a wall inside the house when drunk, being caught having sex on Elrond's desk and stealing Celebrian's underwear because I like the feel of silk are also explored.

The song was irreverent and accurate. It is best forgotten.

Love.


What is love?

I have only felt the need to make love to one person and he is dead. Now I fulfil my physical needs but there is no one I feel close to.

I dare not get close to anyone in case I relive the grief of longing and the pain in my heart.

It nearly killed me last time.

My family?

Who am I?


I am an elf, but that is not who I am, but what I am. Since before the age of man, I have been in existence and wear my immortality with practised ease; it was not always this way. Remembering the land I was born in brings a poignancy that is better left alone. I remember with the utmost clarity, every day of my life. Elven memories remain sharp and this is a curse rather than a blessing.


I am the only elf in my family who has not died or sailed west to Valinor. The loneliness of my existence is not eased by the amount of friends I have, although they make it easier to laugh and forget for a while. It is in my private moments that I allow sadness briefly to touch my fëa. It is in those moments that I remember who I truly am. The social mask slips and the real me emerges, a flesh and blood elf with a long history of love, laughter, battles, tears and loss. It is in those moments, that I know, I would not have been anyone else.



Erestor