I Resist the Muses

Cooking? ...I don't, to be honest. I never really have -- unless I had to, and I stuck to what I couldn't ruin too badly. There's been a lot of take out in my life, barring the odd boyfriend who had culinary skills that far surpassed my own. Simon, for instance, was a great cook. I made a few attempts at "romantic dinners" with my own cooking, during that relationship...I don't think any of them turned out quite how I hoped when I walked into the kitchen. Occasionally he had to rescue the meal. At least once, we ended up getting take out anyway.

These days, I don't have the time, and there are plenty of people capable of making decent meals for the rest of us. I think I owe them a lot for late night food runs on an all-nighter. (It sounds a bit like I'm in college again -- in terms of learning experience, the magnitude of being in Atlantis definitely outstrips my college years. And the all-nighters are (usually) a little more life or death than a test I should've started studying for last week...)

There are so many ways I could answer this question.

My life would be easier if we hadn't woken the Wraith. If one of the largest threats in this galaxy was still largely dormant, if we had more time to formulate a really good plan, if they were more manageable...

My life would be easier if we'd never met the Genii. If Cowen and Kolya hadn't taken an interest in getting their hands on our city, if we hadn't been caught off-guard during the storm, if we hadn't spent so much time and energy on them...

No, let's go further back than that. My life would be easier if I'd stayed on Earth. If I hadn't come to Atlantis, if I'd stuck with the Ancient outpost, if I'd let the first 'no' be the only one necessary, if I'd just put the whole thing out of my head and married Simon...

My life would be easier if I'd never taken the job at the SGC. If I'd continued to teach my classes at Georgetown, if I'd just kept walking my dog and hiding the trashy novels from Simon (even though he knew all my hiding places), if I'd been sensible instead of adventurous...

The truth is that none of those lives really would've been easier. Just different.

And I don't want them.

My greatest personal loss was my father. I'm not going to go into too much detail, but I don't think anything could've made me ready to lose him. I keep his pocket watch close by.

Learning to deal with the deaths of expedition members wasn't the easiest part of my job, or the most pleasant. Each and every one of those people was a great loss to somebody. I owe it to them, the people who followed my leadership, to consider them a personal loss. Hopefully we learn from each mistake.

And I miss Peter.

There are a lot of things that annoy me, but it's become a necessity, over the years, for my temper to be reined in as tightly as I can manage. Losing my temper is something of a luxury, actually -- really losing it, with the shouting and stomping and throwing of things. I can't remember the last time I let myself scream at anything.

I have had to learn how to channel my anger -- how to use it, make it work for me. As good as it feels to lose control, it's not helpful, and the situations that make me feel that way, these days, are often the ones where I need to be focused and useful. I need to be better than just inane screeching. I need to be calm and steady and solid -- that's what this city needs from me. That's what these people need from me.

I'm not a good leader if I come apart at the seams every time things get hard.

That doesn't mean I don't want to scream at the unfairness of it all every time I lose someone who was probably only a name and a face to me -- someone who followed me because I led them. It doesn't change that I really want to haul off and smack something when I lose someone I did know. It doesn't stop me from looking for a scapegoat to lay the blame on when we're teetering on the brink of doom (again).

I'm not always above that kind of intense emotion, but I'm supposed to be.

It's very easy to be cynical on this subject. I try not to be.

( The natural assumption... )

Teyla put it very well when she said "we are Lantean".

It's a simple phrase, but it's come to mean so much -- to all of us, whether we say it in the same words or not, whether we acknowledge it or not. I left a lot behind when I chose to walk through that gate the first time. Most of us did. What I found on the other side was more than just exciting technology and terrifying enemies.

I found a new family.

In the time since I first came to Atlantis, I have been a lot of things. I'm not proud of all of them, but what I have first and foremost been is the leader of the Atlantis expedition, and this role has given me more than I ever hoped for or dreamed of. I may not always be able to say how I feel, but I hope the way I choose to lead my people shows them that I do care about them, and I do believe in them, and I am grateful for the presence of each and every one of them.

Yes, Teyla. We are Lantean. And we are a family.

( Elizabeth Weir. )

[I have not seen all of season three as yet, and will not yet (if ever) be writing Elizabeth totally up to speed with canon as it stands. However, I cut the post Just In Case. If there are any problems, please let me know!]