I Resist the Muses

My life would be much easier if could forget a lot of my memories and have no more nightmares. I have constant nightmares because of the war and the things I did in it. Sometimes people come after me in these dreams. I haven't been able to sleep well for years now because of these dreams.

Even just getting rid of the nightmares would be good enough. The guilt will eventually become more bearable I think, especially as Marcus tells me that God is more forgiving than I think. Memories fade too.

I just would like to stop waking up in terror.

Not much makes me laugh these days. I used to laugh before the war, but a lot of people stopped laughing because of the war. Either they died so they couldn't laugh ever again or they saw too much and couldn't laugh without feeling guilt.

I belong to the second group.

I still do laugh sometimes when Marcus or Marie help me too, make me forget that every one is cruel in their own way. That perhaps I'm not the horrible person that I think I am.

I thank those two for being there for me, a man who has seen and done too much. They make life worth living.

...is shoot myself in the head.

Sorry, but that's how I feel at times.

My greatest loss?

I think my greatest loss would be the family I never had.

Not that I have problems with the one I ended up with; my aunt was a good soul with a firm hand and her husband was surprisingly kind. But it doesn't stop me from wondering what could've been if my mother had survived giving birth to me and my father had not lost his mind.

I know things would've turned out differently if it was so, but I don't know how it would be different. I half wish it would've been for the better, but who really knows in the grand scheme of things?

I suppose only God knows - I've never been one for divination and even so, how could a person scry for what could've been instead of what will be?

I try not to lose my temper anymore. The last time I really lost it, I did a lot of things I regret.

No, it wasn't during the war. Don't want to talk about that tonight. I was different back then and stupid.

But yes, last time I lost my temper, I lost myself. You see, I'm not just a war mage. I'm also a shadow creature thing that dwells in a human shell and has a human soul. Don't ask me the details about it, really, it's complicated and I don't quite understand it myself yet. It just is. But when I loose control of my temper now, my eyes turn completely black and I lose control until my vengence is complete or I am stopped. Whatever comes first.

But yeah, I killed a lot of people when I was last angry and all because the leaders of that organization (I killed all of the members of the organization apparently) killed the mother of my partner because I wasn't doing what they wanted me to do. It's complicated.

I think...at the end I can only conclude that what makes me lose my temper is when you hurt the people I hold close to myself because that's all I have anymore.

I don't particularly like talking about things such as this. Fears and all.

( References to WWII )

What I offer to you is not a song, but an instrumental piece that was written in the year that I was born. However it just doesn't describe me, but it describes a lot of the first half of the 20th century.

You see, the piece of music I am talking about is Mars, the Bringer of War, composed by the English Composer Gustav Holst. I believe that he wrote it in 1914 before the first world war broke out and when one listens to the piece, it is quite uncanny how much the piece reflects the horrors of mechanized warfare. I was born in 1914 after the first world war started and it had such an impact on my childhood. I'm not really referring to what happened during the war because I was a little bit too young to remember much of that time. Instead I'm referring to aftereffects of the war. Of what happened because it occurred.

Then there's the second world war, a war far far worse in some ways than the first. I can't really compare personal experiences however since I only have personal experience with the second one, but really, why argue which war is worse? They're all horrid.

So this piece, while not exactly describing me, describes the events that have influenced and shaped my life.

Most people, when they think of love, they either think about romantic love or familial love. However, I often also think about one's love of land and country. Most people seem to forget about that or at least do it blindly, not realizing how much that is love as well.

But first let me start by saying that love is neither pure and innocent, nor the source that is all unhappiness in the world. It just is. It can be corrupted and turned into something evil or it could be the one thing that saves us all. People sacrifice themselves in the name of it, running into the line of fire to protect those they love, but people can also be blinded and misled by using it. Love has been condemned and praised in the same breath because to some only certain types of love are tolerated. There's love for God, there's love for yourself, for your family, for your lover (whether it be your wife/husband/partner/mistress), and for your own country. I've seen and experienced all of those in my life, both good and bad.

I love my lover, Marcus (we cannot be more than lovers sadly, though he lives in my house) and I love the people in my family that I can trust despite not seeing them in years. I'm working on loving God again, but it is hard for me. And I used to love my country, but seeing what happened when I did, I don't know what to feel anymore toward it.

All of these can be or have been perverted in the past. When you do love, I think people need to be careful with their love and not let it be led astray. Sometimes you do the wrong things for the people/God/country you love and that's not what was needed. Often a person holds guilt over it.

Love is dangerous, especially when you would kill for it.

Family is a complicated thing for me. I divide family into my father's family and my mother's family because I have different relationships with both sides.

( Please forgive me for the length )

I'm a soldier. Or rather, I was one.

For what country, I'm not telling. Nor what war. I've seen too much death perpetrated by both sides and there is no "good guy" in my mind - only the lesser evil over the greater.

I'm also a mage. A war mage specifically. That's why I was a soldier. It runs in my family on my mother's side. I also have an affinity for shadow magic and that's from my father's side of the family.

Right now, I've settled in England, trying to gather my life back together after the war. It's hard, especially with the nightmares.

I don't talk much, but sometimes I wish I could.

I'm Thomas Joseph Hawke and there's not much else to say other than that.