I Resist the Muses

You're not going to see me lose my temper. Not to your face. Instead, I'll bottle it up and I'll never let you see it. No one will see it.

But it is simply the last resort that my mind will touch when all else fails. I won't lash out. I'll just cry. It will be inappropriate. Everyone mistakes it for sadness or depression. It is anger. It is usually at myself. Though sometimes at my mother, who is not in my life very much, but just enough to bring my world crashing to a halt. After all, I'm not all I could have been, I guess.

Sure, I make my own money, I live in my own condo, I have my own car, and manage to take care of all my own bills. This was not enough, though. Where is my franchise? Where is my legacy? Where is the tangible evidence of the monetary and intellectual gifts they bestowed upon me? I don't actively seek out her attention. She actively avoids mine. It works for us both just fine. I find myself in tears at the end of conversations with her.

Those are the tears of anger I was explaining. It isn't just the shame and degradation. It's the rage that boils over from these insane conversations we have about my potential and the negation of all I have accomplished. I'm never going to be enough for her.

But she'll never see the breakdown. I'll never back down from her.

I stoically hold up under the pressure. That, at least, she cannot deny is an area in which I excel even beyond her wildest dreams for having trained me to be tough enough for this brutal world.

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ooc: crossposted to justine_m

A song that describes me.  Can one fill up a song with that many facets?  And then there's the fact that my song changes from day to day.  How about something like "Another Day" by Roy Harper.  Regret that is unspoken.  Always pleasant smiles to cover the reality of the situation.  Never admitting what is really going on.  How pointless this social posturing is.

Something obscure and remade.  Something that only makes sense to me.  Something that hides and smiles while the storm rages inside.  Something one doesn't want to read into like "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails.  People think of only one line from the song, and miss the darker threats going on.  There you go.  How about that?  A song people avoid reading into, with darker tones the Beavises and Buttheads ignore.

I'm not in a very pleasant mood, though, so it's no wonder I might pick out something like that.

warning: mention of sexual abuse

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So how much about my family can I discuss? 


Crossposted to justine_m

I'm bothered by this question more than just a little bit.  Can a person ever truly describe oneself to the world in a way that is accurate and believable?  I can only tell you the parts with which I'm intimately familiar.