justine_m (justine_m) wrote in voicesinmyhead, @ 2007-07-31 20:18:00 |
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Current mood: | artistic |
Current music: | Broken Toy-Keane-Under the Iron Sea |
Prompt 6 - What Makes Me Lose My Temper
You're not going to see me lose my temper. Not to your face. Instead, I'll bottle it up and I'll never let you see it. No one will see it.
But it is simply the last resort that my mind will touch when all else fails. I won't lash out. I'll just cry. It will be inappropriate. Everyone mistakes it for sadness or depression. It is anger. It is usually at myself. Though sometimes at my mother, who is not in my life very much, but just enough to bring my world crashing to a halt. After all, I'm not all I could have been, I guess.
Sure, I make my own money, I live in my own condo, I have my own car, and manage to take care of all my own bills. This was not enough, though. Where is my franchise? Where is my legacy? Where is the tangible evidence of the monetary and intellectual gifts they bestowed upon me? I don't actively seek out her attention. She actively avoids mine. It works for us both just fine. I find myself in tears at the end of conversations with her.
Those are the tears of anger I was explaining. It isn't just the shame and degradation. It's the rage that boils over from these insane conversations we have about my potential and the negation of all I have accomplished. I'm never going to be enough for her.
But she'll never see the breakdown. I'll never back down from her.
I stoically hold up under the pressure. That, at least, she cannot deny is an area in which I excel even beyond her wildest dreams for having trained me to be tough enough for this brutal world.