I Resist the Muses

...is shoot myself in the head.

Sorry, but that's how I feel at times.

Not much makes me laugh these days. I used to laugh before the war, but a lot of people stopped laughing because of the war. Either they died so they couldn't laugh ever again or they saw too much and couldn't laugh without feeling guilt.

I belong to the second group.

I still do laugh sometimes when Marcus or Marie help me too, make me forget that every one is cruel in their own way. That perhaps I'm not the horrible person that I think I am.

I thank those two for being there for me, a man who has seen and done too much. They make life worth living.

The mother that I never knew. She died giving birth to me or so I was told.

Life would've been so different with her around. I would've actually had a mother instead of a step-mother who never gave a shit about me.

Sometimes I see her in my dreams and I wake up crying.

A single word answer is inappropriate here, and so I will paint you a little picture.

When I feel down after work, I usually go to the dance clubs downtown so I can forget my life and how much it sucks. I can forget the nagging co-worker, the deaths I have to bring about as part of my job and just how empty everything is. The pulsing music and the lights in these clubs can't help but cheer me up, especially when I deal with ladies dressed up all prettily. Flirting with them is a welcome distraction.

Sometimes I can't stand being around people though, so I sometimes meditate and talk to my god. It doesn't exactly cheer me up, but it does distract me and give me something to focus on other than how I am feeling.