I Resist the Muses

I can't really see my life ever being any easier. Maybe if I'd never joined the Air Force (though, you know, I can't see that being a very happy life because I'd have never learned to fly). Maybe if I'd ever learned to do as I was told without question.

That'd certainly make things easier, but it sure as hell wouldn't really be my life.

So yeah. It doesn't really get any easier.

There's no such thing as a "greatest loss" if you ask me. Any loss is bad. Why should a family member hurt more or less than a good friend? I've never felt any different about someone dying on me that I knew well than I did about someone I didn't. It's all the same. I try not to think about it, but I've suffered a lot of losses in my life.

Every one of them was my greatest.

There's a lot of thing I'm willing to admit I'm afraid of. There's probably a lot more I'm not willing to admit to.

I'm afraid of clowns -- I had a bad experience as a kid and it kind of turned me off them. I'm afraid of wraith, but who isn't? They're scary SOBs with their insanity and life sucking alienness. Anyone who isn't at least a little afraid of wraith obviously hasn't had to deal with them before. I'm willing to bet every person on Atlantis is terrified of them and what they could do to us if we dropped our guard against them even for a minute.

I'm afraid of dying, but again, who isn't? I don't have a death wish, but everyone around me knows that if I had to, I would to keep them safe. I know a lot of people would do the same and...okay, so maybe I'm a little afraid they'll have to do it one day. Let's leave that alone though because that was a little personal.

I'm afraid of the lovely Doctor Kate Heightmeyer. And I'll let everyone know that was sarcasm on the lovely there. Why, though, is one of those things I'm not willing to admit to.

But as for my greatest fear...?

No. That's not something I'm going to admit to, either.

There used to be this one song my buddies would always joke about having been written for me, ignoring the fact it was done more than a decade before I was even born. It might still describe me as well as it ever did, but I don't think it does it best anymore.

Usually I'd want to pick something by Johnny Cash. But if I had to pick something to describe myself...

Well. I have to say "Space Cowboy." Yeah. The one by Steve Miller. None of that new bubblegum crap by....whoever the hell else had a song by that title.

I don't think I really need to explain why. Anyone who knows me should get the obvious.

When I was younger, I’m not ashamed to admit I was really idealistic about love. I was in love, and I was stupid enough to think it would last forever. It didn’t, and I learned to see it differently. I miss her, and yeah, sometimes I still wish things had lasted. But I’m not so idealistic that I believe there’d ever be a chance with her again.

Since I came to Atlantis, I’m not really that sure I’d want to anymore.

Love, I’ve learned, can be tricky. And it’s not something I can say I’ve always known. There’ve been a lot of years in my life where I’ve chosen to be alone. But these days I’m really starting to learn that there’s more to love than just being involved with someone. I love a lot of people in Atlantis, in different ways. I don’t think I’m about to go on about who and how. There are a lot of things I do, but saying I love someone isn’t one of them.

Sometimes it’s not by choice, and I’ve always thought maybe that’s what happened.

Family's a funny thing.

When we came to Atlantis, I remember a lot of people saying to me they missed their family. Those of us who left people behind, and not all of us did, really felt it those first few weeks. I remember...I felt bad for them, but I never felt the same way. I have a family on Earth, yeah. Everyone does somewhere. But I never felt like I'd left my family behind. I guess I was never that close to them. They're really just people I share my DNA with. Especially after....

The people here. The Lanteans, that term everyone encompasses us with now. We're a family now. And, to be really honest about it, we're a better family than anything I ever had on Earth.

Elizabeth and I play around like the parents of everyone in the city. We're the ones who -- even when we're pissed off -- are responsible for everyone, and only have what's best for them in mind. And I'm not saying anything by that everyone doesn't already know about us. Maybe it's just me but if I step back and look at us, I can see hints of my own parents.

Teyla reminds me sometimes of my grandmother (which is a compliment). And Rodney's like the annoying little brother I never had and even though I always want to wring his neck until he shuts up, it's kind of cool.

When I agreed to come to Atlantis, I never expected I'd find myself surrounded by people who, in the end of things, are more to me than that family I've known my whole life.

( John Sheppard )