I Resist the Muses

My greatest loss was when I thought my Lord was dead. That was.. absolutely crushing. I had fought so hard for him, and to think he was dead.. I felt like I had absolutely let him down. I knew, in my heart, that I couldn't have stopped him from going to the Potters that night, that he had made the decision to kill them himself. But I still felt like It should have been me that had gone to the Potters' house that evening, not him.

I was determined to never let his cause die, like I had let him die. That's what kept me alive during all those dark nights in Azkahban.

I was overjoyed to find out that my Lord was alive, though. Victory will be that much more glorious because I'm by his side again.

I don't lose my temper easily. In fact, a lot of the things I do are done with cold calculation. I think that disturbs some of my fellow Death Eaters.

But attacking my Lord or my family will earn my ire. Being stupid, disobeying orders, or defending muggles will definitely anger me, too.

I've learned not to act in anger, though, but to rather seethe for a bit and give punishment when someone's least expecting it. There's really nothing quite like giving punishment when it's least expected. Of course, you have to tell the person why they're being punished, otherwise they don't know not to repeat whatever they did.

Oh, that's easy.

My greatest fear is somehow losing my ability to use magic and becoming a muggle.

I don't really think I need to say anything else.

Love is such an easy word to throw around, and a lot of people confuse duty or lust for love.

Real love takes years to grow. Take me and Rodolphus. When I first met him, I thought he was the most annoying prig in the universe. But my duty to treat him politely kept me from boxing his ears, and soundly offending his family. Even though the Lestrange family name doesn't carry as much weight as the Black family name, you still don't offend another family if you can avoid it.

Our parents kept pushing us together, and it was obvious to me that they wanted us to marry. Of course, I would've had the choice not to marry him, but by the time I was of marrying age, I had spent enough time with him that I learned of his.. better qualities. But even then, I can't say that I loved him. Lust, yes. But not love. Not yet.

I can't really say when I fell in love with him. I know it was quite early on in our marriage. But I found that I had grown to adore this annoying, silly man that I had chosen to marry. The hardest thing about Azkahban was the fact that I couldn't see him, because I found he had become that important to me. I needed to know he was alive, so I could have a reason to keep on fighting. As much as I hate to admit it, I wasn't sure if my Lord was alive. So all I had left was my Rodolphus.

But, anyway.. I do think that love exists. A lot of people would say I'm too insane to love, but they'd be wrong. Of course, my love for Rodolphus is a weakness. But I find it's a weakness I don't mind having.

My family is simple. I have my sister, Narcissa, and my husband, Rodolphus. I suppose that my sister's husband and child are included in that, but, personally, I don't consider them as such. I wouldn't die for them the way I would die for Cissy or Rodolphus. But don't tell Cissy that.

I suppose I would consider the Dark Lord my head of family. I'm sure he would laugh at me for that "fanciful notion". I am not naive enough to think that he considers me in the same light. But everything I do, I do for him.

My husband understands, being a Death Eater also. Some of the fellow Death Eaters whisper that I can't possibly love Rodolphus because I am so devoted to my Lord. But Rodolphus and I know the truth, and the nights we spend together prove that. I love my husband, and would die for him, as I would die for Cissy and my Lord.

The whisperings amuse me, though. They prove that my fellow Death Eaters know nothing about me. Not even duty to my family line would convince me to marry someone I wasn't at least fond of, for Merlin's sake. And the love I have for my Dark Lord is quite different than the love I have for my husband.

As far as the rest of the people in my life.. They are not family. I wouldn't hesitate for a second to sacrifice them if it would save one of the three people I love or myself. I'm sure they already know that, though. And if they don't, they'll find out at the most inopportune time.

I am a princess of the House of Black.

I am a beloved wife who treasures her husband as much as he treasures her.

I am a hunter who takes great joy and pleasure in finding new ways to tortue the prey.

But, most of all, I am a Death Eater, one of the servants of the Dark Lord Voldemort.

I am Bellatrix Lestrange. Some would say that I wasted the best years of my life under His service. I spent many of those years in Azkahban, but I never lost my faith in my Lord.

Some would say that I lost my mind in Azkahban. But I do not see myself as insane. My years in Azkahban gave me time to reflect on my Lord's battle. It gave me a new determination to escape and see my Lord risen and triumphant.

The dementors that so many fear became my allies, in a way. They feed off of me, removing the dross that cluttered my mind. In the resulting ecstacy, I was given visions of my Dark Lord and his glorious future. Some would say those visions were insanity. I say they were a blessing.

Some of my fellow Death Eaters say my "insanity" also makes me more vicious than before Azkahban. I say that I have survived Azkahban, and I deserve to enjoy myself to the utmost. It just happens that torture and other "improper" things are things I enjoy. I no longer hold myself back, and that is what they see as my new viciousness.

Now that I am reunited with my Dark Lord, I will do my best to ensure those visions become reality and that all muggles are destroyed.