zombieland

Please tell me that Hope is with you at the inn. We were supposed to meet up but she hasn't showed yet.

Dear Everyone. Should any of you die here, I'm making an in advance request that you don't follow me around telling me your death story. The thing about ghosts is when you tell them to fuck off, they tend to not listen.

[Filtered to Five]

Hey bro, how you finding it all?

[MOM & DAD]

I think something is wrong with Aunt Rebekah.

Dean
I hear you're a vampire now.

Mikaelsons plus Hayley
Were you ever going to tell me about Lucien and his serum that allows him to kill an original with his bite?

I've been told that the prison is once again dealing with another menace only this time in multiples of two. Such a shame that you lot can't seem to catch a break.

Elijah is gone.

I'm all for a lovely surprise or two, but this one certainly puts quite the damper on my scheduled plans.

How does one leave this dreadful place?

I'll allow for one explanation. If it suffices perhaps I'll give this Peter a quick death. No promises, darling.

I'm ready to wake up, ya know...anytime now.

So. Clowns. Zombies. Apparently not Mardi Gras gone terribly wrong.

Name's Vincent Griffith. I heard there might be people I know here.

As my sanity returns I find myself loathing this place with every passing day. I've finally found the means to communicate with this dying world.

[Hope]
Is it true? Are you here?

Is anyone else even remotely surprised the leader of the prison is a cold-blooded killer herself? Do as I say, not as I do, eh? Seems rightfully legit. I say carry on, love.

Daddy's home.

When I said I was getting the hell out my city this wasn't exactly what I had in mind.

It's been a hell of a 24 hours already, someone better start explaining.

You know it's your lucky day when you develop an overwhelming desire to punch someone in the face and miraculously, the world's most punchable face arrives.

//Hope Andrea Mikaelson//

Was there something you'd forgot to tell me?

//Hayley//

I take it you knew as well?

No, screw this. Whatever did this, send me back. Now.

And here I thought life inside the prison would be dreadfully boring.

//Kol//

Well. How was it then? I hope your first doppelganger experience wasn't a disappointment. I, for one, am hardly disappointed by Damon's reaction.

Hey there, Pacific West Coasters. It's me, your new best friend, Gossip Girl.

They say zombie apocalypses can be pretty stressful and we all know that stress is just so bad for the skin. So break out your Kiehl's and BYOB because it's the end of summer which means it's time for a symbolic bonfire. And the scoop I've got for you will be just enough to keep you warm all night.

1. A Drug Dealer and a Guardian Walk Into a Bar...

Let's start things off the old-fashioned way with a hot tip on a blossoming romance. Sources say a former Golden Boy turned Everett's very own Pablo Escobar ran into a bit of a predicament the other night. Fortunately, his boyfriend was there to splash some cold water on the lady vampires just dying to get their hit of Pablo. And here our money was on E and a certain shadowhunter who turned Z-Day into a Meg Ryan movie. We were skeptic, but the pictures Clar-ly don't lie:



2. Hungry? I've got a Lissa' People.

While the prison crew has been in quite the tizzy after someone took a bite of a banshee, curiouser still is the case of a certain vampire who's been treating the male prison population like her own personal feeding trough. It seems as though E is pimping Pablo out to his friend to keep her satiated in ways he never could. It's what our good friend the Sheriff refers to as "mutually beneficial". I'd be careful though if I were you, L: it'd be a real Drag if he went and got addicted to you...

As for the other Walking Juicebox? So glad you asked.

3. Terminal-ly Dysfunctional

Life is a Witch and then you die. Still trying to get a piece of that apple pie? Smart move considering we've always heard that a good high leads to the munchies. What else was L to do? After all, S had already done her part for the day considering the fact that she saved you from that upgraded zombie and not the other way around. Transgenic? More like, pathetic. Inquiring minds want to know why it was such a big secret, though. Seems to Gossip Girl that nearly getting killed was already the Maximum of consequences but there's still something else that A was very, very afraid of.

4. Aww, Sookie Sookie, Now.

Vampire thirst is nothing new but how about thirsting for vampires? A little birdie told me that a not so little blonde has been lusting after one of our own undead despite dual rejections of vampires that had actually been lusting for her. Don't take it so hard, boys: word on the street is that she just wants some of that Original flavor. Can't blame a girl. July was hot, who didn't need a Kold one?

5. Kol-d Day in July

Our guess is that Kol Mikaelson is going to need a doppelganger of his own to keep up with all this D-mand. What better way to let bygones be bygones than to boldly bang the sister of the guy that killed you dead? Or maybe we're mistaking reconciliation for some good old fashioned revenge? They say it's a dish best served cold, but we heard that this was dished up hot. Time to Evaluate your priorities. It seems like turning it all off was a real turn on.

And now, for a bonus not-so-blind item to cap off our first ever round up. A cherry on the top of these just desserts:

A Damon in the Buff

Congratulations are in order for the oldest Salvatore brother. It seems he's the proud new papa of a beautiful bouncing baby slayer? That's right, you heard me. Summers over, kids. Hope you're ready for the Fall...

That's all for now but don't fret, you won't have too long to miss me before I'll be back with another piping hot pot to stir.

You know you love me.

xoxo
Gossip Girl

Let me be clear, no one is killing anyone else and I will stop anyone who tries.

ETA: I'm leaving. I'm not abandoning you guys, I'll be around when you need me but I don't think I should stay here anymore.

I was attacked last night, and not by a zombie! Some kind of weird-ass vampire. Not okay! He didn't even buy me dinner first.