Zenith : In Character Network → Computer Communica

Let's talk self defense, kids.

In the real world I teach a women's self defense class at a local martial arts studio. A couple people have expressed interest in learning that kind of thing, and I'm willing to get that going. I can give individual, one-on-one lessons as well as do some group sessions. Whatever people are comfortable with.

If this is something you're interested in, let me know if you'd prefer a group or private lesson. Once I figure out what I'm dealing with I'll set times.

The most difficult part of being back here is not having a piano anymore. What do I have to do to get one, honestly?

Is everyone okay?

{PRIVATE}
Aspen's Paper Journal (kept on loose-leaf paper for now)
Day 36, 11:56 PM

Tonight was the Halloween party down on the beach. I love the beach, even though I haven't visited but once when I was seventeen or so. Owen was nice when I bumped into him downstairs combing through costume racks together; Avram had promised me a dance; Kelly Kiley and Kate were wonderful and generous and came over to help me do my makeup. It did look just as I hoped it would, just the way I'd wanted it; so much gold shimmer around my eyes, soft and pretty, the kind of thing that looks light it might melt by torchlight. They did such a good job. I wanted to look like a Grecian goddess, a little bit ethereal.

It came time to leave to do down to the party, and I couldn't.

I wanted to, I wanted to go more than anything. To be in the air and taste whatever food was spread out over the tables or roasting over the fires. To see everyone else's costumes, to meet the other people in the house that I haven't met yet.

I seized up, and I know better than this. This is why I have all this cognitive behavioral stuff to fall back on, this is why I have anxiety medicine (that sometimes works so well that I forget every person I met or thing I learned while I was on it), this is why I was so determined to stay with my parents instead of going to a group home or a halfway home or wherever else.

Avram saw me at the end of the hallway, just standing there and trying not to let myself cry. I think it was mostly someone standing so still that caught his attention; he always seems to be moving, thinking, talking. (Maybe that is unkind to say, but I don't mean it that way.) He offered to keep me company, and it bothered me that he wouldn't get to have fun with the others (he just is handsome; even dressed up as a nerdy science guy, the bowtie can make him look very distinguished).

He offered to stay in with me, so we did. Made popcorn and raided the kitchen, and we went down to the basement to watch Corpse Bride. I promised to play him the piano tomorrow, when I'm not so clumsy with drugs and everyone's recovered from their hangovers. I had my Polaroid camera they gave to us in our baskets (I thought I'd take it to the party, try to take a picture of everyone so I could give it to them, so they'd always remember what they looked like). I took a picture of Avram while he was loosening his bowtie to really get rolling on some mathematics point. It seems to capture him exactly as I know him so far.

The party was still going strong when I took my Ambien and curled up in my bed. I could see flickers of light from down on the beach, fires and torches, hear very distant shrieks or shouts. My Halloween went well, the cozy kind that were always my favorites; I hope everyone else had a good one too. Someday I'll get better at introducing myself. I'm trying. I really am. I'll have to apologize to Kiley and Kate. They really did such a pretty job. I feel awful for wasting their time.


Day 37, 6:12 AM

Strange dreams as I tried to wake this morning. I dreamed I was being coronated, sitting patiently in a red velvet chair with my hair brushed until it gleamed like satin, unbound like a vestal's, so long I could almost sit on it. They wanted to crown me with green birds. Pigeon-sized green birds, the green that is iridescent on the very top of an oil slick, a green that will vanish the moment you try to capture it on your fingers. I realized late that the looming crown they lowered onto my head was in truth made of bird-bones, and knew without looking that they were magpie bones, and the crown was decorated with bits of tin and mirror. Magpie things. The green birds plucked strands from my hair and took them away. Perhaps to make their own nests.

This is a question that will definitely expose me as a woman with no skills, but: is there anybody in the house that is good at makeup and that would also be willing to help me for the party? I'll make a mess of what I want to do, even though it's not that complicated. Lots of shimmer and things, really glowy and pretty, maybe gold on my eyes?

I don't want to take away from anybody else getting ready, but I'll only muck it up if I do it myself. I'm totally cack-handed when it comes to makeup.

I've been thinking about the magpies and trying to remember the things you said. Did you count how many there were?

It's just that I found this... well, it's not a rhyme, but it's a sort of an old wives' adage about magpies from a book I was reading.

One for sadness
Two for joy
Three for a wedding
Four for a child
Five for sickness
Six for death

I know it's probably useless, but I wondered if maybe it could be some kind of clue. God knows the kinds of classics and ancient superstitions The Powers That Be might be using as references. I think I thought that if the total number was a multiple of six, or five... and see, this is where math is not my game. I'll go back to music theory.

Are you going to the party tonight? Will you spare a dance for me?

I know I haven't been here long enough to get to know many of you very well, but if you're ever in Salt Lake City, please look me up. Aspen Hale, and if you can't find an Aspen Hale, look for Aspen Belnap or even look up my parents, Lauralee and Marcus Belnap.

Even if you're just on a flight with a long layover at SLC airport (hey, it's a hub, it happens), let me know. I'd be glad to see you again.

Monkey-mind is a real thing! It's a Buddhist thing! It means someone whose mind is always going and can't settle down. My father used to say it to one of my brothers when he was little, during an inquisitive stage. My brother could never stop asking questions. I guess in some ways it can be an undesirable attribute, the inability to calm down and soothe your mind, but that's not how I meant it. I meant Avram has a monkey-mind; it always seems like it's at work.

I don't think any of the others were about me. One of the boons of being a new girl, right?

It's too early for this shit.

y'all don't know me from a hole in the ground. it'd be cool if it didn't cause people to give me credit for shit i didn't say/do but you know. [pretend there's a shrug emoji here]

Private to Jack
at the risk of sounding like the golden girls theme thank you for being such a good friend. it means the world to me to have you in my corner like that.

Private to Lennon
hey no hard feelings i think you're cute too! :P but seriously the friend-zone is bullshit. i like to think you like that we're friends, i'm not wrong am i? and i didn't think the damage thing was an insult i mean it's true and you know better than most. you were looking out for me when you said that, right? damaged =/= broken, long as you know that we're cool.

Private to Marco
people think we fucked and i don't
uuuuuuummmmmmmmmm
sorry about the things i said about you. i'm an asshole, we know this. but still, sorry. looking back, it came out worse than i thought it would and i knew this shit would be aired out so i should've known better.
are you ok?

You know what this is.

January - Tobias as a sexy Baby New Year
February - Damon with creative uses for Mardi Gras beads
March - Lennon in a bed of well-placed flowers, like a mix between American Beauty and Pushing Daisies
April - Me, holding ducklings.
May - Chase working on a classic muscle car, covered in oil.
June - Jack manning a grill in nothing but a "Some Like It Hot" grill apron.
July - Marco as a Comic Con superhero
August - Owen as a sexy fireman
September - Avram dressed up as the male equivalent of Hot for Teacher
October - Edwin in his elf getup.
November - Erran and his "Magnificent Sephardic Pelt™"
December - Jim in a sexy nativity scene. (Sorry Jim)

Ideas, people. Challenges welcome.

[Private to Cecilia, 10:25 AM]

Hi. We haven't met yet. I'm Aspen, I've been in the house since the night the windows broke and the birds came in. I haven't been dealing I haven't wanted to bother you, but it's one of those things that isn't a good idea to keep avoiding. I'm depressive and I have panic attacks, and I've been without my meds for however long that's been. It feels like a few days. Withdrawal symptoms are pretty gross right now. I'm on Effexor (150mg, the extended release stuff), klonopin (2 mg), and Ambien for sleep at night.

Also, are you okay?

And I'm glad there's a dog in the house. Avram told me you have one.

How are you holding up?

So this cabin fever thing is dragging on a bit, and it seems like people could use a distraction from the irritating/creepy stuff, so here's a suggestion: hang out in the room which has the fewest doors (the kitchen) and we can start to sort of try out that whole informal learning idea that was discussed at the last meeting.

It doesn't have to be anything organised or school-like or whatever, just...if you have a weird old tip that makes dermatologists hate you, it'd be cool to share that stuff around? I don't know how many people will be into this but anyway, that's where I'm hanging around at lunchtime in a couple of hours? for awhile today, and under the circumstances, for the sake of morale, I'm totally willing to teach people how to swear in six languages.

I promise not to be annoying

the way I always completely am

I don't know what to do, so I'm asking everyone for help. Maybe you know. I woke up here yesterday and Avram helped me, but the windows... everything being locked up, I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't stand this. I don't know what time it is. I fell asleep for a while after I woke up in... I guess it was the morning, and I stayed in my room because I was scared. Not having the daylight... I'm scared.

I tried to explore. I really did. I got my courage up and tried find my way down to the kitchen a few minutes ago. I passed the lounge on the second floor and I heard someone crying. I tried to find who it was, I tried to help, but there was nothing. There was no one in there. I heard it, I promise I did, but there was no one there. Crying as if their heart was breaking. The kind of crying that makes you afraid of what caused it.

Am I hallucinating? Did they put something in the IV? Is this going to keep happening?

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