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Aspen's Paper Journal (kept on loose-leaf paper for now)
Day 36, 11:56 PM
Tonight was the Halloween party down on the beach. I love the beach, even though I haven't visited but once when I was seventeen or so. Owen was nice when I bumped into him downstairs combing through costume racks together; Avram had promised me a dance;Kelly Kiley and Kate were wonderful and generous and came over to help me do my makeup. It did look just as I hoped it would, just the way I'd wanted it; so much gold shimmer around my eyes, soft and pretty, the kind of thing that looks light it might melt by torchlight. They did such a good job. I wanted to look like a Grecian goddess, a little bit ethereal.
It came time to leave to do down to the party, and I couldn't.
I wanted to, I wanted to go more than anything. To be in the air and taste whatever food was spread out over the tables or roasting over the fires. To see everyone else's costumes, to meet the other people in the house that I haven't met yet.
I seized up, and I know better than this. This is why I have all this cognitive behavioral stuff to fall back on, this is why I have anxiety medicine (that sometimes works so well that I forget every person I met or thing I learned while I was on it), this is why I was so determined to stay with my parents instead of going to a group home or a halfway home or wherever else.
Avram saw me at the end of the hallway, just standing there and trying not to let myself cry. I think it was mostly someone standing so still that caught his attention; he always seems to be moving, thinking, talking. (Maybe that is unkind to say, but I don't mean it that way.) He offered to keep me company, and it bothered me that he wouldn't get to have fun with the others (he just is handsome; even dressed up as a nerdy science guy, the bowtie can make him look very distinguished).
He offered to stay in with me, so we did. Made popcorn and raided the kitchen, and we went down to the basement to watch Corpse Bride. I promised to play him the piano tomorrow, when I'm not so clumsy with drugs and everyone's recovered from their hangovers. I had my Polaroid camera they gave to us in our baskets (I thought I'd take it to the party, try to take a picture of everyone so I could give it to them, so they'd always remember what they looked like). I took a picture of Avram while he was loosening his bowtie to really get rolling on some mathematics point. It seems to capture him exactly as I know him so far.
The party was still going strong when I took my Ambien and curled up in my bed. I could see flickers of light from down on the beach, fires and torches, hear very distant shrieks or shouts. My Halloween went well, the cozy kind that were always my favorites; I hope everyone else had a good one too. Someday I'll get better at introducing myself. I'm trying. I really am. I'll have to apologize to Kiley and Kate. They really did such a pretty job. I feel awful for wasting their time.
Day 37, 6:12 AM
Strange dreams as I tried to wake this morning. I dreamed I was being coronated, sitting patiently in a red velvet chair with my hair brushed until it gleamed like satin, unbound like a vestal's, so long I could almost sit on it. They wanted to crown me with green birds. Pigeon-sized green birds, the green that is iridescent on the very top of an oil slick, a green that will vanish the moment you try to capture it on your fingers. I realized late that the looming crown they lowered onto my head was in truth made of bird-bones, and knew without looking that they were magpie bones, and the crown was decorated with bits of tin and mirror. Magpie things. The green birds plucked strands from my hair and took them away. Perhaps to make their own nests.
Aspen's Paper Journal (kept on loose-leaf paper for now)
Day 36, 11:56 PM
Tonight was the Halloween party down on the beach. I love the beach, even though I haven't visited but once when I was seventeen or so. Owen was nice when I bumped into him downstairs combing through costume racks together; Avram had promised me a dance;
It came time to leave to do down to the party, and I couldn't.
I wanted to, I wanted to go more than anything. To be in the air and taste whatever food was spread out over the tables or roasting over the fires. To see everyone else's costumes, to meet the other people in the house that I haven't met yet.
I seized up, and I know better than this. This is why I have all this cognitive behavioral stuff to fall back on, this is why I have anxiety medicine (that sometimes works so well that I forget every person I met or thing I learned while I was on it), this is why I was so determined to stay with my parents instead of going to a group home or a halfway home or wherever else.
Avram saw me at the end of the hallway, just standing there and trying not to let myself cry. I think it was mostly someone standing so still that caught his attention; he always seems to be moving, thinking, talking. (Maybe that is unkind to say, but I don't mean it that way.) He offered to keep me company, and it bothered me that he wouldn't get to have fun with the others (he just is handsome; even dressed up as a nerdy science guy, the bowtie can make him look very distinguished).
He offered to stay in with me, so we did. Made popcorn and raided the kitchen, and we went down to the basement to watch Corpse Bride. I promised to play him the piano tomorrow, when I'm not so clumsy with drugs and everyone's recovered from their hangovers. I had my Polaroid camera they gave to us in our baskets (I thought I'd take it to the party, try to take a picture of everyone so I could give it to them, so they'd always remember what they looked like). I took a picture of Avram while he was loosening his bowtie to really get rolling on some mathematics point. It seems to capture him exactly as I know him so far.
The party was still going strong when I took my Ambien and curled up in my bed. I could see flickers of light from down on the beach, fires and torches, hear very distant shrieks or shouts. My Halloween went well, the cozy kind that were always my favorites; I hope everyone else had a good one too. Someday I'll get better at introducing myself. I'm trying. I really am. I'll have to apologize to Kiley and Kate. They really did such a pretty job. I feel awful for wasting their time.
Day 37, 6:12 AM
Strange dreams as I tried to wake this morning. I dreamed I was being coronated, sitting patiently in a red velvet chair with my hair brushed until it gleamed like satin, unbound like a vestal's, so long I could almost sit on it. They wanted to crown me with green birds. Pigeon-sized green birds, the green that is iridescent on the very top of an oil slick, a green that will vanish the moment you try to capture it on your fingers. I realized late that the looming crown they lowered onto my head was in truth made of bird-bones, and knew without looking that they were magpie bones, and the crown was decorated with bits of tin and mirror. Magpie things. The green birds plucked strands from my hair and took them away. Perhaps to make their own nests.