SENT FROM: dogeatdog
TYPE: Post
I won't sugarcoat it. I write real. I speak truth. It ain't in my soul to lie with words. And the truth is, I reckon the lot of us are gonna spend the rest of our low-down lives dodgin S'mores clouds and waitin for a pair of chompers to get the best of us. So why not make the most of it while we're still kickin and screamin? Here's my proposition: I'm gonna posit a couple ways this could all turn out, and y'all enter your bets on what you figure is the most likely explanation. Don't matter what you wanna put on the table, long as you mean to pay up.
A. We All Already Died & Gone to Hell.Maybe the devil got real creative in the days since John the Revelator wrote 'bout a bunch of fire & brimstone. It's possible he upgraded from pokin pitchforks in folks, and it's possible we're all just a bunch of real shitty people. I always used to think at the pearly gates there wasn't really any kinda reckoning for your sins, just a bunch of saints who would stand around and own you real hard for a couple hours bout the crap bands you liked as a kid. But maybe I was wrong. Think we're dead and we're all stuck in our own lil circle of hell? Place your bets here. Pay out will probably come never, because if you're right there ain't no goin back.
B. The Virus Was Made By Aliens.I ain't sure what the point of dosin us all with cannibal fever might be, but who fuckin knows? I ain't a scientist. I don't know how space aliens work. Them blobs sure do look like they could be alien egg pods or somethin. Now, I don't know about y'all, but on my end there ain't been any probing or anything. But that don't mean them freaky little ETs ain't just lying in wait, biding their time 'fore they put on a little Martian Gaye (get it?) and start gettin their probe on. If you think it's aliens, go on and cash in. Pay out will come after they land & get all Close Encounters on us. Unless they wipe our memories afterwards. Or the MIB get to us first.
C. It Came from Japan.Now, I don't mean to be offensive. But the Japanese ain't really right in the head. I mean, somewhere between tentacle rape and used panty vending machines, you really oughta check yourself as a society. But that ain't the point here. Wouldn't be the first time Japan thought people would make fun lab rats. Anyone ever hear of Unit 731? If you ain't, do yourself a favor, spare yourself the need for mental bleach and skip that lil history lesson. So if y'all are racist, better get your bets in before horny tentacles start burstin outta them blobs out there.
D. I'm Dreaming.Maybe y'all are just a bunch of shitty nightmare people in my head. It's possible, but it ain't likely, since if this was my dream I'd be able throw chicken in the air like they do in fried chicken commercials. In my dreams I'm always the guy who throws the fried chicken in slow motion. I do it real well but I will never reveal my secret methods. Anyhow since there ain't even any fried chicken here, my money isn't on this one. You probably shouldn't bet on it either, since if you're right it just means you don't exist.
Other possible explanations I'm currently exploring: democrats, social experiment gone awry, the Jews, terrorists, government conspiracy, reality TV show that operates in direct violation of our basic human rights but we won't care bout that when we see the paycheck, glitch in the matrix, stripper from Tallahassee who asked me if Hawaii was a continent was so fuckin shitbrained cause she was actually zombie patient zero.
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