SENT FROM: dogeatdog
TYPE: Public Post
It ain't easy to get a good meal these days. Luckily I'm no stranger to scroungin, and even in these tryin times I find myself noshing on only the finest of fares. And you can too, if y'all just follow these simple recipes I'm submitting as part o my new segment I'd like to call COOKING WITH FAILURE.
OLDTIME STEAK RECIPEIngredients:
4 cans of Spam
3 tablespoons salt
1/2 bottle ketchup
1 towel
1 knife
1 fork
Take the Spam logs outta their cans. Feel free to drink any residual ham juice left in the can, it ain't as satisfying as suckin on that lil blood pad that used to come at the bottom o the steak package but it'll do in a pinch. Place the Spam on a flat surface, like say a countertop or your girl's ass, and take one of the tablespoons of salt and pour it over the Spam "steaks." Next, put the Spam on a towel and put that in the microwave. Heat the Spam at maximum setting for 10 minutes. Don't get impatient and take the "steaks" out before. 10 minutes is perfect to really lock in that old fashioned "microwaved meat" taste. When the time's up you oughta have a hot towel full of shriveled Spam. Take the remaining two tablespoons of salt and pour em over the "steaks." Now douse the "steaks" with about half a bottle of ketchup. Voila! You're done, and in under an hour! If needed you can substitute mustard for ketchup, sugar for salt, or your imagination for the Spam.
SOUP A LA STOVEIngredients:
1 can tomato soup
1 phone call
1 motormouth bitch
27 vicious insults
Open a can of tomato soup with a knife and let simmer on the stove. Don't go botherin with a pot, an open can is Nature's Pot. Stir the soup gently with your knife. When soup starts to look "hot," stop stirrin. At this point you're gonna wanna pick up the phone and answer a call from (1) motormouth bitch informing you that she's bout to set your bike on fire for double dealin her. Your soup should be coming to a smoky boil right about now, so take your time liberally sprinkling the conversation with 27 vicious insults. These should have been prepared beforehand and baked in a preheated psyche for approximately 4 hours. Pay particular attention to her tendency to slur her R's. Now if you followed this recipe to the letter, she already hung up on you. Enjoy your charred tomato brick from the can with a fork.
![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}