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[Jul. 26th, 2010|01:01 am] |
Lucifer, you don't have to keep hinting! I'm already taking prenatal vitamins! The little girl is well taken care of! |
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[May. 20th, 2010|10:01 am] |
LUCIFER!
THE BABY KICKED! COME FEEL! |
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[Feb. 21st, 2010|02:21 am] |
The odds against any particular individual existing are astounding.
Roughly one hundred million sperm are in the typical volume of semen that one ejaculates during a sexual encounter. A woman can only become pregnant roughly a quarter of the time, and a conservative estimate for miscarriages is roughly twenty-five percent, most of which happen without the woman ever knowing she was pregnant. The ova is one of hundreds that will be viable within a woman's lifetime. The chances of any particular individual winning the conception lottery and being born are quadrillions to one against.
And yet, despite the odds, a nigh-microscopic not-yet individual is growing in the womb of one Mary Anne McGee. |
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[Feb. 19th, 2010|09:30 pm] |
Gigi? Erik? Would you two like to come over for dinner some night? |
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[Dec. 30th, 2009|11:25 pm] |
DAMN that was fun!
Shit, I love Christmas. |
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[Oct. 14th, 2009|10:16 pm] |
This place smells like life.
Disgusting. |
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[Oct. 11th, 2009|10:31 pm] |
( Marauders )
Who does a guy have to fuck to get a cookie around here? |
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[Oct. 10th, 2009|11:54 pm] |
Lucifer? If you're not corporeal, how are we doing what we do every night? |
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[Oct. 9th, 2009|04:19 pm] |
Oh Luuuuuuuuuuuuuucy......
I'm not home. XD
Srsly though. I'm not around, so please make sure the extra food from the kitchen goes to the homeless shelter just outside of the Vatican. They always need more than we give them even any other day. |
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[Sep. 14th, 2009|08:41 pm] |
I wonder what would happen if Lucifer and I had a baby. I bet it would be cute. |
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[Aug. 27th, 2009|08:49 pm] |
MR. AND MRS. COOKIE LADY.
Did you like my present? |
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[Aug. 20th, 2009|01:13 am] |
Because I'm getting sick and tired of my wheelchair getting jammed on everything, a question for the deities (and, I suppose, the supernaturally powered) amongst us.
Whilst the Unnamed God never answered my prayers back in Oz, I assume you're all more capable of 'concrete' miracles. Would one of you mind giving me the ability to walk? I'd even repay you for it, if you demand some form of 'tribute' for the deed. |
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[Aug. 18th, 2009|11:43 pm] |
Lucifer McGee!
I booked a chapel for this Thursday, and then our honeymoon is the next three days after that. If you don't show up, I will be very angry. (Be very afraid.) |
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[Aug. 8th, 2009|01:05 pm] |
I don't think I know how to make cookies for my little ones without making enough for the whole block. But that's okay, the day care center needed a bake sale anyway. |
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[Jul. 22nd, 2009|06:17 pm] |
I'm going to throw a party.
If you think you can handle it, then you're more than welcome to join me. I should assure you it's not for the faint of heart.
Do let me know if you think you can though, I'm curious who actually has balls in this place. |
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[May. 29th, 2009|11:18 pm] |
Oi, I got a new interweb thingy, Prongs. It's shiny and red and cascading like sunsets waving onto roses of blahdiblahblah.
edit; Someone pay attention to me, I'm bored. |
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[May. 26th, 2009|12:01 pm] |
I have just solved the following cases. You have no need to thank me, but I'm letting all of you who have been working on them know.
- Zodiac Murders
- Bible John Murders
- Stoneman Murders
- The disappearance and retrieval of the remains of Amelia Earhart
- The disappearance and retrieval of the remains of Michael Rockefeller
- The disappearance and retrieval of the living Madeline McCann'
A portion of the reward money has gone to charity.
Thank you for your time,
L |
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[Apr. 17th, 2009|06:39 pm] |
I have heard, through various sources, that there are a great many gods, godesses, and other miscellaneous powers rambling about that I've not been introduced to.
Consider this your invitation.
( Siblings ) |
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[Apr. 8th, 2009|09:01 pm] |
I'm gonna put this out there right the Hell now:
No, you're not funny. First person t'wish me a 'happy death day', or whatever the Hell makes you motherfuckers giggle, we're gonna have problems.
( Mathilda ) |
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[Mar. 31st, 2009|11:28 am] |
Turns out I can shape shift. Into a bull, a stud, and now a chick.
Not bad, I think. I'd fuck myself. |
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[Feb. 12th, 2009|10:02 pm] |
Because nobody should spend a holiday feeling unloved - or a day at all - I'm making cookies for people without valentines. The point of the holiday is about love, and I think we all have plenty of that.
So, if you find yourself feeling down, let me know. I've got hugs and sugar. |
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[Feb. 10th, 2009|02:35 pm] |
Ooops.
... so, if I've been leaving food out for a stray kitty and now there's five of them looking up at me with big eyes, all skinny and cute, I should just let them stay with me, right? |
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[Jan. 29th, 2009|11:30 pm] |
I'm a mother. |
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[Jan. 19th, 2009|11:08 pm] |
Dunno who's been to the party so far. But anyone wantin' to hit the ceremony tomorrow, drop a line here, I'll add your name to the guest list, an' hope to see you after all the pomp 'n' circumstance.
((OOC: I know this is probably the worst time for this, but all things remaining equal, President-Elect Jesus would be getting inaugerated tomorrow. So. Here that is. XD)) |
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[Jan. 19th, 2009|07:39 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | aphrodite, bela talbot, david, god, lorna summers, lucifer, mason, raven, rebecca house, satan, tegan crowley young, teja wartooth, timey wimey plot | ] |
Dude, this blows. Why is it every time I do this young girl shit, I end up on the damn rag?
THE LORD SHOULD NOT HAVE A PERIOD, DAMN IT.
I really ought to fix that shit for you ladies out there. You guys should not have to suffer. |
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[Jan. 5th, 2009|03:20 am] |
Is this Earth then?
I'm not sure what I had expected to find, but this was not it. Of course, I'm confused as to how I got here, but I'm certain God will show me soon enough. |
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[Jan. 1st, 2009|11:34 pm] |
Anybody notice that there are too many damn high holies running around here? As if the one true god wasn't bad enough. Fuck. |
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[Dec. 24th, 2008|08:01 pm] |
I'm so glad that Hanukkah overlaps a little with Christmas this year! It makes it a lot easier to make holiday parties overlap. Speaking of which, Lucifer and I made way too much candy and far too many pies if someone wants something after they're with their family. |
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[Dec. 8th, 2008|06:38 pm] |
There is something inherently flawed about the idea that I, Lucifer, am making an honest woman of the Virgin Mother. |
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[Nov. 27th, 2008|03:21 pm] |
Lilith, where the fuck are you and your woman? I'm going to be very sore with you if Mary's pumpkin pie spoils before I get the chance to eat it. |
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[Nov. 7th, 2008|06:20 pm] |
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[Nov. 7th, 2008|02:31 pm] |
He asked me to marry him and I said yes!
Lilith, I know you hate him, but will you come to the wedding? |
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[Oct. 26th, 2008|12:18 am] |
Fine. But I would like to point out that refusing to do something because you're being told to do it is no less a form of control than doing it because you're being told.
Eve. [Private to Eve and Lilith:] Lilith has been debating telling you how strong her feelings are for you for some time. She wants you. She wants you to want her. And she's too stubborn to say so. Lilith says that it's not my place, but I disagree. I owe you a large number of favors, and Lilith will make you happier than any available alternative.
And I genuinely doubt you're surprised.[/Private] |
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[Oct. 24th, 2008|11:25 pm] |
Lilith.
You have twenty-four hours. |
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[Oct. 19th, 2008|11:10 pm] |
Oh, you crazy Liberals. You're not content merely to suck world-class journalists out of their element using top-secret metereological phenomena explainable only in terms a basement-dwelling Trekkie would understand. You guys? You take it that little extra step further. You pay cracked-out Oompa Loompahs to code garish websites to explain your Agenda, with the full intent of traumatizing the viewer into incoherency, probably with the goal of making them want to pick up their nearest, shiny, glorious Emmy award and poke out their eyeballs. It's like the Sixties all over again.
But I digress.
Oh no. You aren't done yet. But this is where you guys' little plan falls apart. I bet you thought putting my photo on Bill O'Reilly's ID was the coup de grace. The final element, designed to make me lose what's left of my rapier wit, sending me gibbering into the arms of your compatriots. YOU'RE WRONG. Bill, you're like unto a God to me. I live to emulate you, I always wanted to be you. But I gotta break it to you, Bill-O: I have, and will always have, more hair than you.
And a better tie selection.
Also, less wrinkles.
And way more Emmys.
Since I ended up here, I've encouraged two underage kids to marry, got ordained on the Internet, talked to some guy who seems to believe he's a car, a groupie for some weird Death Metal band who probably looks at morgue contents like a fat guy looks at a McDonalds Value Menu, and been propositioned by God.
You read that right, folks. God wants to fuck with me.
I'm not one to turn down the Almighty, but I know what happens to people who fuck with God. Just ask Sodom and Gomorrah.
Oh, wait. You can't, because God wiped them off the face of the earth.
Even Mary got the short end of the stick. All of you people waiting on Christ's second coming? That's why it's taking so long. Nobody wants to sleep with a guy whose track record involves knocking up someone else's fiancée and kipping in a barn full of animals (but they'll pay $10 a month to watch the full video online).
I'm a serial monogamist, Ma'am, just like You told me to be. And right now, my bed only has room for one Holy Trinity: Me, Lady Liberty and Lady Justice. (Justice is big on the blindfold kink, but those scales can give a guy a hell of a concussion.)
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find some old guy sitting guard over an old boot while picking his nose by the Thames so I can get the hell away from here and get my portrait to the Smithsonian. |
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[Oct. 9th, 2008|10:53 am] |
Lucifer? |
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[Oct. 7th, 2008|02:09 am] |
A philosophical question to consider: if Jesus had been born a woman, would she still have been accepted as the Messiah? Would she have made it to thirteen unmarried? Would her father (her real father, no offense to any divine sperm donors) have taught her carpentry? Would the Apostles have been women as well, or would there have been a mix, or would they have been the same individuals?
And more importantly, would there still be branches of Christianity lining up to drink her blood? I imagine that they would take at least a week off every month. |
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[Sep. 27th, 2008|12:35 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | adam, cassidy turner, eve, god, julien boudreaux, kon-el, lilith, lucifer, megatron, mia jesbar, sam winchester, satan, sonya blade, stephen colbert, the functionary | ] |
Ahh, that's better. A month of skeeball and porn really gives a deity a fresh look at things, you know?
So who missed me? And who can I smite? I had some reeeeeally long naps for awhile there. |
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[Sep. 26th, 2008|10:56 pm] |
( Lucifer ) |
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