InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I'm in ur Journal..."

Stephen Colbert, Bastion of Truthiness (truthy_patriot) wrote in undertherainbow,
@ 2008-10-19 23:10:00

Entry tags:

kitt 2, lucifer, mary, stephen colbert, tachikoma

Oh, you crazy Liberals. You're not content merely to suck world-class journalists out of their element using top-secret metereological phenomena explainable only in terms a basement-dwelling Trekkie would understand. You guys? You take it that little extra step further. You pay cracked-out Oompa Loompahs to code garish websites to explain your Agenda, with the full intent of traumatizing the viewer into incoherency, probably with the goal of making them want to pick up their nearest, shiny, glorious Emmy award and poke out their eyeballs. It's like the Sixties all over again.

But I digress.

Oh no. You aren't done yet. But this is where you guys' little plan falls apart. I bet you thought putting my photo on Bill O'Reilly's ID was the coup de grace. The final element, designed to make me lose what's left of my rapier wit, sending me gibbering into the arms of your compatriots. YOU'RE WRONG. Bill, you're like unto a God to me. I live to emulate you, I always wanted to be you. But I gotta break it to you, Bill-O: I have, and will always have, more hair than you.

And a better tie selection.

Also, less wrinkles.

And way more Emmys.

Since I ended up here, I've encouraged two underage kids to marry, got ordained on the Internet, talked to some guy who seems to believe he's a car, a groupie for some weird Death Metal band who probably looks at morgue contents like a fat guy looks at a McDonalds Value Menu, and been propositioned by God.

You read that right, folks. God wants to fuck with me.

I'm not one to turn down the Almighty, but I know what happens to people who fuck with God. Just ask Sodom and Gomorrah.

Oh, wait. You can't, because God wiped them off the face of the earth.

Even Mary got the short end of the stick. All of you people waiting on Christ's second coming? That's why it's taking so long. Nobody wants to sleep with a guy whose track record involves knocking up someone else's fiancée and kipping in a barn full of animals (but they'll pay $10 a month to watch the full video online).

I'm a serial monogamist, Ma'am, just like You told me to be. And right now, my bed only has room for one Holy Trinity: Me, Lady Liberty and Lady Justice. (Justice is big on the blindfold kink, but those scales can give a guy a hell of a concussion.)

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find some old guy sitting guard over an old boot while picking his nose by the Thames so I can get the hell away from here and get my portrait to the Smithsonian.

(Post a new comment)

	morningbringer 2008-10-19 10:31 pm UTC (link)
	Please. It's a short list of people who haven't been propositioned by God. Children, mostly. No, wait, there was a brief period where She Herself was underage. All right, it just got shorter. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	truthy_patriot 2008-10-19 10:43 pm UTC (link)
	My point stands: It Never Ends Well. Much like ordering breakfast at a Waffle House. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	williseeheaven 2008-10-19 10:43 pm UTC (link)
	Hi! (Reply to this) (Thread)

	truthy_patriot 2008-10-19 10:52 pm UTC (link)
	I hope you brought enough ice cream for everybody, Perky. They're going to be inconsolable in my absence. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	williseeheaven 2008-10-19 10:54 pm UTC (link)
	Aww, don't go! (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

truthy_patriot
2008-10-19 11:04 pm UTC (link)

I know, you're just broken up by my leaving, and for that, my ego loves you. But thanks to the wonders of the Internet, I can still offer my unique brand of truthiness to the public the world over. I won't stop until the entire globe runs Red with democracy. Democracy in my world is spelled with a C, for me. And a T, for Truthiness. And at least six other vowels and consonants that don't actually appear in the word 'democracy,' but are intrinsically important to the concept of it nonetheless but aren't quite as catchy.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	williseeheaven 2008-10-20 06:26 am UTC (link)
	Yay! Hey! What are you dressing up as for Halloween? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

truthy_patriot
2008-10-21 01:41 am UTC (link)

I don't do Halloween, Perky. Halloween is too Weird, and involves adults dressing up and pretending to be horribly overweight versions of Captain America wielding shields of cardboard and getting beer stains down their rented costume front. It grieves me to see such icon abuse. I'm a self-made man of Truthiness, and it goes against my nature to pretend to be someone I'm not. I'm already extremely awesome and amazing. I can't improve on perfection.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	williseeheaven 2008-10-21 06:26 am UTC (link)
	You're going as yourself? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truthy_patriot 2008-10-22 05:10 pm UTC (link)
	I'm instantly recognizable and totally great, like Coca-Cola. What's even better, I get treats every day. Mostly by stealing them from my underlings. I don't need to ask for them. That's for lesser beings than myself. And CEO's of major national banks. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	williseeheaven 2008-10-22 06:30 pm UTC (link)
	Will you come trick or treat at my house?! I will give you ice cream! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	robyngraves 2008-10-19 11:44 pm UTC (link)
	Not a groupie. Roadie. But you're right about the rest. And giving me ideas about McDonald's selling human meat- though I think anyone would agree that Micky D's would cut it with rat meat and slather it in grease and ruin the whole concept. You really should go for it with God. I hear she'a a good lay, and nobody's died from it yet. (Reply to this) (Thread)

truthy_patriot
2008-10-20 12:06 am UTC (link)

They don't use meat. They instead create patties cultured from a unique species of fungus initially found growing between the toes of Richard Nixon. It's true. I said it.

Have you read the Old Testament? Try translating that to a Godly alimony suit now that She's batting for the other side. I'm a super-fertile guy and I'm proud of it, but I've got my bank account and some sort of eternal soul to think about. The possibility of fathering the second Christ means I'm going to need a bigger paycheck and probably a registry at Li'l Messiahs R Us.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

robyngraves
2008-10-20 12:15 am UTC (link)

That sounds accurate. I wouldn't know, I don't touch the stuff. Not a big fan of anything that's cooked and also slimy.

No, I don't really read... anything, actually. But if you think about it, y'know, all-powerful being or whatever, she probably can't get preggers unless she wants to. So you got that argument. It was Divine Intervention, therefore totally not your fault.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

truthy_patriot
2008-10-20 12:28 am UTC (link)

Reading is overrated. I don't recommend it, because it encourages free thinking, and fuels strange Liberal Hollywood movie plots about cowboys having addictions to each other's Broncos, if you catch my drift.

Unless it's my writing. Then you should read it all the time. In fact, it should be the only thing in print that has any real meaning to you. Learn it. Love it. But don't lick it. That ink is kind of toxic.

Divine Intervention? Well, it worked for George Lucas, because God only knows how that last movie of his made any money. Maybe he's boning her right now.

...Wow, that's a mental image I didn't want to give myself. Thanks, me.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

robyngraves
2008-10-20 12:43 am UTC (link)

I think the last thing I read was some cheesy book about vampires. Too much sex, not enough gore. But if I ever bother to pick up another book again, it'll be yours.

That Indiana Jones thing? Never saw it. Some of my boys liked it, but they don't exactly have the most refined taste.

God could definitely be boning him. She can do a lot of things, and all at once too. Same with Satan.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

truthy_patriot
2008-10-22 05:01 pm UTC (link)

Try watching Current TV for a while. That's got more Gore than you can shake a crucifix at.

God's the ultimate multitasker. Multitasking is a refined skill, requiring a deftness of touch and a wisdom beyond ken in order to make sure nothing gets fucked up or neglected in the interim. Multitasking is what's made America's most recent President so great. Just ask Afghanistan. Or Iraq. Or North Korea.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

	ki2k 2008-10-19 11:44 pm UTC (link)
	I am a car. When you say it that way you make me sound like one of those basement-dwelling Trekkie trolls who are dissociated from reality. I can assure you, kind sir, that I am anything BUT dissociated from reality. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	truthy_patriot 2008-10-20 12:10 am UTC (link)
	That's okay, Hedgy. I'm an accepting kind of pundit. Mostly. We've all got our little personality quirks, although mine don't involve deciding precisely where on my ass to put a bumper sticker or thinking my tackle is just another dipstick for checking my fluid levels. Because I'm not weird. Like you. But that's okay. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ki2k 2008-10-20 12:20 am UTC (link)
	My bumper isn't big enough for a sticker, thank you. And my 'tackle', as you so indelicately put it, isn't used for checking MY fluid levels. Being different isn't the same as being weird. And that's okay. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	hattie_notqueen 2008-10-20 01:04 am UTC (link)
	I have to ask, honey. Just who's fluid levels are you checking with that tackle? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ki2k 2008-10-20 07:08 pm UTC (link)
	Yours, of course. Why? Are your fluid levels getting low? Do I need to check them? You're insatiable. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	hattie_notqueen 2008-10-20 07:18 pm UTC (link)
	ME? You're the one with all the naughty implications. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ki2k 2008-10-20 07:23 pm UTC (link)
	He started it. I'm just carrying it to its logical conclusion, now that you're here. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	hattie_notqueen 2008-10-21 12:35 am UTC (link)
	Well, in that case... (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truthy_patriot 2008-10-21 01:43 am UTC (link)
	Hey, you randy kids, there'll be no unsanctioned smut in my threads. This is a strictly PG-13 rated diatribe. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	hattie_notqueen 2008-10-21 08:56 am UTC (link)
	Hey, you brought it up. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ki2k 2008-10-21 01:57 pm UTC (link)
	And I'm hoping you will, too. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	hattie_notqueen 2008-10-21 01:59 pm UTC (link)
	... that was just dirty. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ki2k 2008-10-21 02:13 pm UTC (link)
	Oh, I'm sorry. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	hattie_notqueen 2008-10-21 02:14 pm UTC (link)
	No, you're really not. I love you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ki2k 2008-10-21 02:15 pm UTC (link)
	No, I'm not. Love you too. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truthy_patriot 2008-10-22 05:03 pm UTC (link)
	Someone get me an insulin shot. I think I just got a fatal dose of someone else's sugar cooties. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	virginal_ 2008-10-20 12:11 am UTC (link)
	I'll have you know I'm just fine and happy thank you very much! (Reply to this) (Thread)

	truthy_patriot 2008-10-20 12:37 am UTC (link)
	And so you should be. My brief but undoubtedly awesome presence in this Limey backwater has enriched the lives of all who've witnessed it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	virginal_ 2008-10-20 12:39 am UTC (link)
	I live in New York! You're strange, but it's a good new perspective on things. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truthy_patriot 2008-10-21 01:48 am UTC (link)
	That's the great thing about the Internet. I can be everywhere. Even when I'm not. In fact, the Internet is so advanced, I could be in your bathroom right now, looking in your medicine cabinet, while simultaneously watching the latest election rally gaffs on YouTube. And I'm not strange, ma'am, merely obscenely incredible. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	virginal_ 2008-10-21 02:32 pm UTC (link)
	You'd better not be in my apartment, or Toby's going to zap you! (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truthy_patriot 2008-10-22 05:06 pm UTC (link)
	I said I could be. You'll never know. And that's the beauty of it. That said, do you really need that much toilet paper? It's like you're expecting a herd of elephants for dinner. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	virginal_ 2008-10-22 08:20 pm UTC (link)
	I have two children and a boyfriend. Yes, I do! ♥ (Reply to this) (Parent)