Jurassic City - Network

I've done my fair share of things in my past that I'm not proud of now. I look back on those things, and wonder what the hell was I thinking.

But I don't dwell on it. Because I look at the man I am now, and I know that I turned my life around for the better. All I need to do is look at my family, and know that I'm doing right by them. I've got the love of my life, a baby girl I would move the earth for, and the best friend I could ever ask for.

I like being a hero, too. I feel like I've done a lot of good over the years, and I'm going to keep doing right by my teammates

But at the end of the day, knowing that I've got my family, my wife, my baby girl, and my best friend? I don't care if I have to stop being an Avenger tomorrow. The fame and accolades that come with it don't matter, as long as I've got my family.

And that makes every bad thing I've done worth it. Because if I hadn't done those things? I wouldn't be the man that I am today, and I wouldn't have my family.

I'm honestly not sure how to live without a war.

I remember, when Wanda got in my head, I saw things. Things that I had always thought I wanted. Peggy. The idea of Peggy. Settling down after the war and having a family. I thought, back then, that I could have something like that. I still don't know if those were things I actually wanted or if it was just knowing that I was expected to want certain things.

People have this idea that I'm a good person. That I'm moral and righteous and that people should aspire to be like me. I don't understand it. The only time I've ever really felt alive or complete is when I'm fighting. Even when I was sick and thin and got the shit kicked out of me in every back alley in Brooklyn, I only really felt like life made sense when I was fighting. It's probably screwed up. I don't know. I wanted to go to war and I wanted to make a difference, and I told Erskine that it wasn't that I wanted to fight, but I think I was lying to him.

Maybe it's because I lost so much time, but I don't think I ever really left the war behind. I'm not sure I even know how to. It's all there, in my head. All that happened. All the people I couldn't save. And I have to wonder what was the point of it all. I gave up everything to stop HYDRA, only to find out that I hadn't stopped anything. That HYDRA had thrived. That people I cared about had died. That SHIELD, the organization the people I loved built, had fallen to secrets and lies and corruption. That my best friend, my brother in everything but blood, had been turned into a weapon and used by them. That none of it really mattered. I'm so tired and I don't know how to do anything but fight. I just keep waiting for the next battle because it's the only thing that makes sense in the world.

I'm stuck. In the ice too. I feel like I'm constantly too cold. I feel like I can't even breathe sometimes. I can barely take a shower without remembering the crash. I dream about it. About losing Bucky. About losing everyone. And I don't know how to deal with it most days. The world is so different than I remember, but it's the parts that are the same that are the hardest. The violence and the war and the intolerance and all the things we fought to change. What was the point of it all? Most days, I just can't see it. I wonder a lot how much America would want me as their hero if they knew I'm an angry, disappointed queer man who doesn't give a shit about reclaiming this idea of America some of them have built up in their head.

But there are people. Good people. And they make it almost bearable. I have friends who have my back. I have Peggy, who I never thought I'd get to see again. I have Bucky, who is a better man than he'll ever admit to being. I have Nat, who makes me laugh when I thought I forgot how and who gives me shit and is a better friend than I deserve. And there's Sam, who I'm so grateful for that I don't have the words. Who makes me want to be better. Who understands me. Who makes me feel good on my worst days. And as terrifying as it is to think about loving someone when I'm so convinced I'm going to lose everyone, I think I'm in love with him.

You know what? I'm done. I'm just done. I am sick of all this crap.

So here's the hat I found today:



It is way more important than any stupid drama my life has, because when you squeeze the little puff balls the arms flail.

This hat is currently on Buckyjames's head. I'd take a picture but he's laughing too hard.

You can all go screw yourselves.

I'm terrified for when this urge to unburden my soul is going to hit me. I don't have many secrets left after dumping the SHIELD network onto the internet. My entire history is laid out there in black and white. All the things I've done.

So it's going to be the more intimate parts of my life. The things I keep hidden down further than the rest. I don't want that coming up. It would serve me no purpose.

I have never felt more useless in my entire life. I thought I felt useless after Whitehall died but this is worse. So much worse because I don't know how to help the man I love. I know everyone hates us and while I'm okay with that he isn't.

It kills me to see him withdraw into himself every single time one of you yells at him for simply trying to talk to you. He's suffered enough, he isn't asking for forgiveness or acceptance he just a chance to prove to you he's changed but you're all so focused on trying to make him suffer for what he's done that you can't see what you're doing is nothing compared to what he's doing to himself every single time he tries to reach out.

I don't want him to talk to any of you but he can't stop caring, even if you all hate him he's never going to stop. Because of everything you people have said to him he has decided he's better off trying to isolate himself from everyone, including me. I swear if anything happens to him because of this I will never forgive any of you.

We never meant for things to go as far as they did back home but no one can change the past. Everyone makes mistakes, its human nature but punishing us for the rest of our lives is just stupid and exhausting. I can't keep doing this, I'm exhausted and I don't have the energy to fight anyone anymore. I just want to live my life in peace with the man who helped me find myself again. Is that really too much to ask?

If you want fancy words or long speeches, just wait for Rogers. I'm sure he'll be along eventually. As for me, I've often thought that most of my life has been one large mistake. It's manufactured, I'm only what I was made for, no matter what I've done since and what I tell myself or others. I was made a tool, and I'll still be someone else's tool until the day something finally manages to kill me. The only person I can count on is myself, and even then I'm often left dangling in the wind at the end of a web.

I can't. Don't look. Why?

( Don't (Cut IC to try to hide, and OOC for possibly triggery Bucky history of violence/torture/etc, and also enormous word salad of trying to hide things in a lot of random. )

I hate this so much. I don't want this. Don't read. I won't read anyone else.

Peter Parker had a crush on Gwen Stacy. I know. Not my truth but it is the truth. I've spent a lot of time pretending that I didn't know who Peter was. I knew him. He was skinny. He had glasses and an obsession with Spider-woman. He spent a lot of time sketching technical things. Stuff he dreamed up and had the capability to build that he dreamed about building for her. He was smart. He was sweet and kind. He spent a lot of time at our band practices but not because he liked the music or the rest of us. He liked Gwen. She was so wrapped up in her own problems she didn't notice it. She hardly noticed when Harry Osborn also had a crush on her but Glory was quick to point that one out. To encourage her to pursue a relationship with him. Maybe I should've encouraged her to spend more time looking at Peter. At making him feel special.

Hell, maybe I should've stepped out of MJ land and tried.

I like to pretend I'm extremely self absorbed. It's easier to live in your own little bubble where you're number one than to admit that you aren't. That other people matter. That other people can hurt you. I'm still not sure if I was jealous that so many people were falling for Gwen and her golden hair or maybe I was just angry that she only half paid attention to all of us. I understand why. Now I do. The superhero business is difficult. Keeping a secret like that takes a lot of effort. If she'd trusted us enough with it... maybe things would've been different. Maybe they wouldn't.

People back home blame Spider-woman for what happened to Peter. I'm sure that Gwen feels the weight of that. Maybe she blames herself too. It's easy to point the finger at the public figure. It wasn't her fault. It never was. It was all of us.

And, yes, writing this all down I'm thinking that I just spent a lot of time typing out shit no one really cares about. Implying that maybe I cared about Peter a little but never acted because I have a problem with men that dates back to my childhood. Implying that maybe I cared about Gwen but never said anything because she was oblivious to everything anyway and I have a problem with relationships in general. That's why I'm the way I am, after all. I'm afraid of letting myself be soft and gentle. I'm afraid of being walked all over and hurt. I'm afraid of what'll happen when I love someone. So it's better not to. It's better to make everything about me and be in control of everything because to trust someone else to do it... I'd rather be alone than to give someone the power to hurt me.

When I was undercover in HYDRA, I had choices that I had to make. I had to keep myself in, make them believe that I was one of them. So, I gave them safe houses. I let them believe that I was turning over agents for the cause. I purposely gave up the ones that I knew probably wouldn't have any agents in them. The ones that I knew had agents in them, I didn't give up. I told them that those were one duds, they were better off checking the ones that I secretly knew for a fact would be empty.

Except one of them wasn't empty. One of them had one agent in it. I didn't know. I gave up that safe house, because the other one that I could've given up had over a dozen SHIELD agents in it. Agents that if I had given up that safe house, all of their blood would've been on my hands. The lives of over a dozen agents outweighed the chance of a safe house that was probably empty. Except it wasn't empty. It had someone in it. That someone did get taken in by HYDRA, her mind was mutilated and broken. That was on my hands.

I was wrong for not owning up to it. I felt guilty that had had happened to Kara. But at the same time, I didn't feel guilty. I still don't feel guilty. I wouldn't change the choice I made. I made a choice, and I chose to save the house where I knew that there would be agents who had a chance to get out, over the house that might or might not have someone in it.

I don't care if it makes an awful person. I know I've made a lot of choices that other people look down on me for. I did what I thought was right. I'll always do what I think is right, even if other people might look down on me. In my line of work, that's a risk I have to take.

I never asked to be anyone's Messiah. But I am. And I did what I thought I had to do to take care of my people. And it worked - it would have worked better if others hadn't tried to jump in, if they'd just trusted me. Scott Summers is the reason so many people - X-Men, mutants, humans, Avengers - died. But their blood is on my hands too, because I wasn't willing to stand up to him when I should have. I just let others decide my fate.

I have this incredible power, that allows me to help people. But I can't. Because every time I use my power, it hurts me. But I don't care. I guess that makes me selfish on my part, having no regard for my own safety, but I would rather help others than help myself. All I want to do is help people. I became queen so I could lead my people, and try and make life better for both Moroi and dhampirs alike. Sometimes I don't think I do a very good job. I think I do, but I suppose I'll always have doubts.

I'm glad that I don't have to worry about queen here, but I'm worried about being away from court all at the same time.

I love being a hero. I love helping people, and feeling like by helping Oliver and the rest of the team in the field, I'm making a difference.

But I'm so tired of losing people.

Oh my god. I don't want to be honest about my feelings. I hate everything about this. I just want to keep posting things about ridiculous Captain America hats.

( cut for length )

What the hell is going on?