Jurassic City - Network

Everyone keeps giving Daisy's friend a hard time but... he's right.

I used to have a normal life. A nice, happy, boring normal life. I was going to be a doctor. I was going to marry the love of my life. I kept my nose to the grindstone, and I didn't really go out much and do crazy things. A lot of my coworkers thought I was dull, but I didn't care. It was my dull life, and I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

And then, just like that, I fucked it all up. I didn't know that I was going to, but if I could change anything, I wouldn't have gone to that party on the boat. I shouldn't have listened to my fiance to just go out and enjoy myself for once. I should've just stayed home. But I didn't. I decided to go out, and I wish I realized back then that it would become the worst night in my entire life.
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This isn't where I wanted to be or what I wanted to become. But I don't know how to be anything different.

All I ever wanted was to be good enough for Bruce. I thought I could live up to the standards that Dick set as Robin, but I couldn't. I was this angry, reckless, punk-ass street kid with a temper worse than his, and I didn't listen. I didn't listen, and I got myself beaten to death with a crowbar. It was my own damn stupid fault. Because I didn't listen. I never listened. All I wanted to do was to make Bruce proud, and I screwed it up, like I did with everything else.

Then, I came back from the dead. You'd think would make me grateful, and have this new appreciation for life, and change things around. But I didn't. I was still pissed at Bruce. I was angry about everything. I let Bruce's crazy psycho ex-girlfriend, or whatever the hell Talia is convince me that I was "unavenged". And that's how I felt. The son of a bitch that murdered me was still around, and Bruce just put him away in Arkham. After everything the Joker did, to me, to Barbara, to countless other people, Bruce still had held up to his high and mighty standards, and not put the bastard six feet under. He didn't kill. I got it. But I was supposed to be his son. What kind of father doesn't murder the bastard that took his son away from him? If he'd taken Bruce, Dick, or hell, even Tim from me, I would've put him in the ground so fast.

I became the Red Hood. Bruce's ways of taking care of criminals wasn't working, so I took them out in the only way that seemed right. And Bruce called me just as bad as them. Once again, I'd let them down. Apparently, letting Bruce down is all I'm good at. Dick's the golden oldest child that can do no wrong. Tim's the youngest son that's going to be just like Dad. And me? I'm the middle child. The textbook, invisible, wants attention so badly that he acts out in ways that Dad hates middle child. Yup. That's me.

I love my family. In my own way, I do. Bruce, Dick, Tim, and yeah, I guess Damian, too, are the closest thing I've ever had to an actual stable family. But I know I've let them down in a way that's made me the black sheep forever. And in some ways, I guess that's what I deserve. After all, all I am is just the fuck-up.

It was easy counseling veterans through their trauma because I was done with my service. I was a citizen again and my trajectory in life was certain. Well, as certain as it could be for anyone. I knew who and what I was. But I've put myself in a war again and now the nightmares, goddammit. They never left but I could handle them before. Just needed a morning run to put everything back into alignment and I'd be straight. But I'm in a war again and the nightmares don't let me sleep.

It's going to be me this time, falling out of the sky, covered in fire like a diving phoenix. In my nightmares it's me or someone I care about and I can't catch them. Hell, it was Barnes once and he blamed me for it. Steve...blamed me for it and I couldn't shake that heavy anger when I woke up. It stills lingers in me.

I'm the man you call on to back you up and if I can't do that then what good am I? I couldn't save Riley, my own partner. I'm no Avenger, no superhero. I'm just a man with metal wings strapped to his back.

I'm going to be the one falling out of the sky. If I'm lucky. If I'm not, it'll be someone important and if I don't catch them, I might as well fall with them.

I don't think I'll ever feel like one of the good guys.