|daisy johnson (quakes) wrote in jurassiccitynet,|
@ 2015-11-05 19:48:00
|Entry tags:||alphonso mackenzie, bobbi morse / mockingbird, daisy johnson / quake (mcu), kamala khan / ms. marvel, peggy carter|
Oh my god. I don't want to be honest about my feelings. I hate everything about this. I just want to keep posting things about ridiculous Captain America hats.
All my life, all I really wanted was a family. Growing up in the foster system, never really knowing where I belonged...sucked. I got passed around a lot and there were some pretty bad places. My childhood wasn't fun. But the good places were actually worse. Because I would start believing that I could have a family. And then...I guess I just wasn't enough. Not good enough or smart enough or...something enough. Eventually, I gave up on the idea of a family. Until I found the Rising Tide. I thought I had family there. I trusted them. I believed in them. And that brought me to SHIELD. It's funny. I was using SHIELD to find my real family. My parents. And it took me so long to see that I had a family there. And then that family started falling apart. And when I found my parents, I wanted so badly for them to be everything I had dreamed a family was. But my father was a killer. And my mother was...I don't want to call her a monster. She had every right to hate humanity after what happened to her. But it had twisted her and she'd lost sight of anything good in the world. My mother tried to kill me because I wouldn't let her destroy the family I had built, and my father did kill her. And then he forgot about me. And then my family...the one SHIELD had given me...just kept crumbling. May was gone and Coulson had changed and we kept losing pieces and I'm so tired of hoping.
I was in love with Miles, when I was a member of the Rising Tide. And then he screwed me over and abandoned me. I was in love with Grant and then he turned out to be HYDRA and a traitor and he killed people and now the sight of him makes me sick to my stomach. Maybe one day I'll be able to look at him and not hate him and not hate myself, but I don't see how that will ever happen. I loved Jemma, but she loved Fitz and then she died and I miss her so much that I can't breathe with it sometimes. She was my best friend and I loved her and she's gone. I think maybe I could have loved Lincoln some day. He understands me and he helped me when I was terrified of myself and I feel connected to him. I actually asked him on a date, but I chickened out and said it was just a friend thing. And I'm glad, because now he's getting close to Ward and Kara and I just know it would have ended up like everything else. And maybe that's messed up or it makes me a coward, but I don't care. Everyone I love leaves eventually. I wonder what's wrong with me that nobody ever stays. It has to be something wrong with me. That's the only explanation. I mean...I'm the common denominator.
Sometimes, okay lots of times, I think about asking Bobbi and Lance if they want to have a threesome, because they're both stupid hot and it's been years since I've gotten laid and I really want to have sex without having to worry about feelings. It's safer that way.
Buckyjames is probably my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without him and it makes me feel good when he smiles. I hate how much he's hurting and I kind of want to use my powers on anyone who's ever hurt him until they're very, very dead.
I miss being just a hacker. I miss being Skye. I feel like I lost that part of myself when I went through the mist. I don't hate my powers but I hate how much everything has changed me. I like feeling powerful though. Feeling strong. Feeling like I'm whole. I like that I have a way to protect myself, so nobody can ever touch me or hurt me if I don't let them.
I wish I could have killed Whitehall myself, for what he did to my family.
I don't hate Mack for how he feels. I'm not even angry. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. But I get it. He's scared. He's terrified. He's just like my mother. Only he doesn't want to kill everyone he's afraid of. He just doesn't know how to deal with it. This is scary. It's overwhelming. It's too much. My mother wanted to protect our people enough to kill for it. Raina wanted to protect them enough to die for it. And I want to protect them so much. But I don't know how. I can't be like Raina and I don't want to be like my mother. I just want so badly to help them and I have no idea how. I'm in over my head and I'm so scared of failing them.
I miss May, but she's probably happier away from SHIELD. She deserves to be happy, after everything she's been through. I miss the way Coulson used to be. He's changed so much. I don't even recognize him some days. I just...really want my family back.