the displaced; ic

Okay, so - I had to get a shot, but it was given by polite robots instead of a pissed off nurse who's been on his feet for 14 hours and smells like puke.

There's an all you can eat buffet, but I'm stuck on a boat in the middle of nowhere.

There's a full casino, but you don't win any actual money so it's all kind of pointless.

I'm in the Medium Place, huh? Am I right or am I right? Oh fork me. At least tell me the alcohol isn't all room temperature and that the buffet includes shrimp.

Has anyone seen a gorgeous giraffe, a dorky guy in unnecessary glasses who can't make up his mind to save his own forking life, a spaz who's probably wearing a monk's outfit or a track suit, a white-haired guy who wears a bow tie all the time, or Janet around?


[ooc: possible spoilers for s1 or s2 of The Good Place in comments]

Well, it's been an interesting couple of weeks. I'll give you that. I've learned perhaps more than I ever wanted to know about what living humans are like. I have a lot to think about. Perhaps I don't have practice with the, for lack of a better word, range in humanity.

So, without further ado, things I have learned about humanity.

1. Even the simplest good person lesson can go over many of your heads. I really don't know how to break it down further. Lying, stealing, cheating, killing should really be pretty basic stuff. As you can tell by the lack of good person lessons, I've decided to put them on hiatus until I better understand how to make it clearer.

2. Most of you often say one thing but mean something completely different. Saying yes when you mean no, for example. I'm so confused I'm not even sure if it could be considered lying. Are the rest of you this confused all the time? It's terrible.

3. I want so badly to help all of you. It's clear to me that my methods may be bar too high for most of you to clear. So please, let me know how I can help you.

Your friend,
Michael

[MICHAEL (the architect)]

Hello. I'm Captain Steve Rogers. I'm a friend of Quentin's.

Do you think you could stop doing to him whatever you're doing to him? He's a sensitive kid guy and takes this kind of stuff personal. And I've been told that swearing is actually a sign of more intelligence.

KATE BISHOP

Hey, Valentine.

MICHAEL THE ARCHITECH

I didn't introduce myself before, but my name is Sam Winchester. I'm familiar with the celestial beings of my world, and I have to admit I didn't take you seriously at first, but one of whom is also named Michael, but you're [...] quite different.

Anyway. I know transitioning from celestial realms - at least that's what I assume you mean by The Good Place - to Earth can be difficult, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't dole out too much celestial justice. People here aren't done living yet, after all, they haven't reached that point.

Your Good Person Lesson of the Day

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?? There are over 300 souls here and not one of you are offering to help?

Really? Really??

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gone off to find a hoodie. I'm going to put it on, scrunch up the opening real tight so my face hardly shows through, curl up in a ball and lament the state of humanity.

Your Good Person lesson of the day.

Stealing cars is wrong. Apparently there was some confusion on this issue, so I thought I would clarify. Stealing in general is wrong. Please do not steal from other people. It has a negative net effect on the balance of the universe.

Thank you,
Michael

Oh golly! This is so exciting! I've never been around live humans before and, well, the rest of you crazy kids, too. This is so great, I just know I'm going to learn so much from all of you.

What do you think I should do first? I've been debating between trying a saltine or wearing flip flops. Flip flops! Can you imagine? Me, an eternal celestial being in flip flops? It's going to be so exciting. I just hope this meat suit holds up okay. I'm certain that as long as I keep out of trouble, we won't have to worry about any kind of cosmic reverberation wiping you all out of existence should it become too damaged.

Oh! Oh! Does anyone have any questions for me? You humans (and other beautiful souls) are always so curious! I'm an architect and I design neighborhoods in The Good place. ;) I suppose I could start by clarifying things that are good, versus things that are bad.

Vaguebooking is definitely bad. Please be careful when using this forum to express your feelings. It's certainly not as bad as murder or paying money for music performed by California funk rock band The Red Hot Chili Peppers but all those little negatives add up, you know.

Wow. Really guys. You just seem so great.

My name is Michael, and I can't wait to meet all of you.