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12:17 AM
Valentine's is fast approaching. And while it remains a terrifying and dangerous holiday, and one should always be wary of anyone asking you to be their valentine, there is something charming about a holiday dedicated to love. Which is why I have this great list of activities you can do with your loved one on Valentine's.
1. Stare into the void and contemplate the massiveness of the universe and your comparative insignificance, both as individuals and as a unit. Scream into the void. Keep screaming as you let yourself feel the true existential dread that accompanies such a realization.
2. Go for a walk together in nature. Sure, most of nature is trying to kill you and if it isn't, it probably wants something from you, but you're facing it together. And always remember that forests can be sentient and may want to trap you forever and turn you into a tree. Ignore any forests that try to lure you with compliments. They are deceitful. However, maybe becoming one with nature and your true love is what you seek. In which case, embrace your new life as a tree.
3. Give your loved one your heart. Take theirs in return. Carve your heart from your chest and hand the bloody, shivering organ to the one you love. Take their heart. Put this new heart into your chest and stitch your flesh back together. Exchange hearts with your love so you can always have a piece of them inside you. Keep in mind to only do this if you're reasonably certain your anatomy is capable of surviving the temporary removal of a heart. Carlos has helpfully reminded me that not everyone can do that.
4. Overthrow an insidious corpocratic regime together. Some of the strongest relationships thrive in insurgency. You can bond over protest and struggle and overcoming oppressive tyrants. If a horrible, fascist corporate dictatorship is not available, maybe watch a movie about people overthrowing such a regime, and pretend you're overthrowing the regime yourselves. For example, An Affair to Remember.
5. Fix the person you love a nice dinner. Avoid wheat and wheat by-products, for the obvious reason. If you aren't a very good cook, or you have a traumatic history with kitchen tools, maybe go out to dinner. Maybe go to an Arby's. Contemplate the lights outside the Arby's and wonder what those lights want. Why do they watch you. Why are they so mysterious. Discuss the mysterious lights above the Arby's with your significant other.
6. Adopt a pet together. Like a cat that hovers four feet above the ground in a men's restroom in a fixed point of space and time. Your pet will find you as fate dictates.
This really brings back some memories. My husband and I first confessed our feelings in an Arby's parking lot. Well, he confessed his feelings. I'd frequently made my feelings clear for the preceding year on my radio show. And, obviously, we've done some of these others. None of them are too out there or "grand gesture"-y. These are just little ways you can show the one you love that you really care.
But seriously, be mindful if someone asks you to be their valentine. Ritual sacrifice can be really messy.
1. Stare into the void and contemplate the massiveness of the universe and your comparative insignificance, both as individuals and as a unit. Scream into the void. Keep screaming as you let yourself feel the true existential dread that accompanies such a realization.
2. Go for a walk together in nature. Sure, most of nature is trying to kill you and if it isn't, it probably wants something from you, but you're facing it together. And always remember that forests can be sentient and may want to trap you forever and turn you into a tree. Ignore any forests that try to lure you with compliments. They are deceitful. However, maybe becoming one with nature and your true love is what you seek. In which case, embrace your new life as a tree.
3. Give your loved one your heart. Take theirs in return. Carve your heart from your chest and hand the bloody, shivering organ to the one you love. Take their heart. Put this new heart into your chest and stitch your flesh back together. Exchange hearts with your love so you can always have a piece of them inside you. Keep in mind to only do this if you're reasonably certain your anatomy is capable of surviving the temporary removal of a heart. Carlos has helpfully reminded me that not everyone can do that.
4. Overthrow an insidious corpocratic regime together. Some of the strongest relationships thrive in insurgency. You can bond over protest and struggle and overcoming oppressive tyrants. If a horrible, fascist corporate dictatorship is not available, maybe watch a movie about people overthrowing such a regime, and pretend you're overthrowing the regime yourselves. For example, An Affair to Remember.
5. Fix the person you love a nice dinner. Avoid wheat and wheat by-products, for the obvious reason. If you aren't a very good cook, or you have a traumatic history with kitchen tools, maybe go out to dinner. Maybe go to an Arby's. Contemplate the lights outside the Arby's and wonder what those lights want. Why do they watch you. Why are they so mysterious. Discuss the mysterious lights above the Arby's with your significant other.
6. Adopt a pet together. Like a cat that hovers four feet above the ground in a men's restroom in a fixed point of space and time. Your pet will find you as fate dictates.
This really brings back some memories. My husband and I first confessed our feelings in an Arby's parking lot. Well, he confessed his feelings. I'd frequently made my feelings clear for the preceding year on my radio show. And, obviously, we've done some of these others. None of them are too out there or "grand gesture"-y. These are just little ways you can show the one you love that you really care.
But seriously, be mindful if someone asks you to be their valentine. Ritual sacrifice can be really messy.