Welcome to Night Vale: In Character

Holy shenanigans Batman.

This is definitely weirder than my normal weird.

Hello, citizens of Night Vale and people who remain inexplicably displaced here. So really, hello citizens of Night Vale and new citizens of Night Vale. Cecil Palmer here.

Just a few things.

First, a new forest has appeared out of nowhere on the outskirts of the city. Nobody is sure where it came from, mostly because nobody has bothered to ask or investigate, and it's best to approach it with caution. Really though, if it's anything like other forests that have appeared out of nowhere, it's probably nothing to worry about. Just, if the forest tries to compliment you, take anything the trees might say with a grain of salt. And, maybe, don't linger for too long. You never know what might happen. Maybe you'll turn into a tree yourself and add to the forest's numbers. But that was just the one forest, so probably not.

Also, School Board elections will be held soon. Granted, these elections are hardly democratic, and it seems likely the current President of the School Board will remain in power. As everyone knows, the current School Board President is the Glow Cloud, a sentient cloud that glows in a variety of colors and occasionally hurls dead animals at people. The Glow Cloud is all powerful. The Glow Cloud is all knowing. The Glow Cloud is mighty and terrible and awe inspiring. All hail the Glow Cloud. Also, topics on the schedule for the next PTA meeting are whether gel pens cause autism, the answer to which is the same as the answer to every other meeting question about whether random items cause autism - that answer being no, and proposed changes to the militia training our students receive.

In other school news, the Night Vale Scorpions will be playing their homecoming game against the Red Mesa Ant Carpenters. Heading the Scorpions line up this year is senior, Megan Wallaby, who is showing great leadership skills. For those who don't know, Megan was born as a grown man's detached hand, though she did receive a donor body a few years ago. With Megan at the helm, the Scorpions really do stand a chance of defeating their bitter rivals. Let's go, Night Vale!

The Library has been destroyed, once again, in a freak fire. It has also, once again, reformed completely overnight. Unfortunately, it still does seem to contain librarians.

The Scientists of Night Vale are investigating, well, something, probably. They usually are, in any case. Night Vale's head Scientist, the perfect and wonderful Carlos, has been making a lot of notes on a white board and hmm-ing, and then doing things with beakers and then making more notes. This, as we all know, is how science works. His brow is also furrowing adorably with concentration. Also, he is my husband and he is perfect and I love him. I might love him more if he took a break from science to eat something.

Open Mic Night at Dark Owl records will be every Thursday night starting next week. Owner, Michelle Nguyen says that anyone can perform, so long as they don't do music or comedy or spoken word. Owner Michelle Nguyen's girlfriend Maureen says to ignore her and perform whatever you want because really, life is meaningless, so what's the big deal anyway.

And, as always, tune in to my radio show for more updates on life here in Night Vale.

vax.

Has Vex talked to you?

It's fine if she hasn't. It's just that she said she was going to. It isn't about anything bad, but I can't really talk to you about it until she's talked to you about it, so has she talked to you about it?

[Vax]

We need to talk. It's nothing bad, I promise.

Hey, Kravitz.

Hey.

Hey, Krav.

Hey, babe.

Babe.

Babe.

Oh dear.

This does complicate things a bit...

What the fuck is this and who do I have to punch in the face? Because let me tell you, I really want to punch someone right now and it's not gonna go well for whoever I'm punching, so someone should send me home right now, get me?

Last I knew I was talking to a tree, and then I'm here, where there's barely any trees. Usually if I go that far that quickly, I did it to myself, but that doesn't seem to be what happened and I'm confused and I was a little angry but then a nice man showed me how to communicate with this and gave me something to drink so now it's mostly confused.

I'm Keyleth, and I'm going to make more trees because I'm feeling the opposite of claustrophobic.

Mein Verstand ist wieder gegangen. Nichts davon ist real. This isn't happening.

From one nightmare to the next. If this is the end, I don't buy it.

I don't really care about the why, but I would like to know if anyone out there is working on getting everyone back home. Or what's left of it

Uhh. Maybe I’m crazy but there has to be some unwritten rule in space and time that says you’re only supposed to be party to one alternative universe or timeline in your lifetime. Right??

I didn’t even get past sober af my own birthday. Someone owes me a drink or four.

Give me liberty, or give me death, we say in the words attributed to men who often confused liberty with the freedom to engage in the role of oppressor. The void considers our ultimatum and grants us oblivion.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Citizens of Night Vale, and listeners of Night Vale Public Radio, this is Cecil Palmer, coming to you in a slightly different format this evening. This really is an exciting development. Night Vale has launched the entire net. Now, as you all know, I am something of a ludite, but my husband, Carlos, who is perfect and handsome and brilliant, has assured me that it is almost entirely safe. To the degree that anything is safe. Which, as well all know, is not at all.

I am using this method to reach out to you all because of some exciting news. Portals have begun appearing around our beautiful desert city, spitting out people from other worlds. While we have not ruled out some strange form of viral marketing for the Outback Steakhouse, we think this may in fact be more serious. Or, perhaps, it is simply a product of the revelry that marks our nation's independence from imperial rule and our descent into our own horrifying imperialism.

In any case, we welcome our new visitors-slash-potential citizens. Sure, you may be trapped here, with no way to return to the place where you came from, until such a time that the indifferent universe sees fit to send you there, but isn't that all of life?

Mayor Cardinal has also asked that I issue a few reminders. These, obviously, are first time reminders for our new residents.

There is a Dog Park at the corner of Earl and Somerset. Under no circumstances should you enter the Dog Park, as it is a gateway to a horrible desert otherworld. Do not look at the Dog Park and definitely do not take your dog there. The Dog Park probably will not harm you.

There are hooded figures within, and sometimes without, the Dog Park. Do not approach them, or look at them, or think too long about them. They are rarely dangerous and almost never openly steal children any more.

Do not enter the Night Vale Public Library, no matter how brave you may think you are. This year has seen a record low number of Librarian-related fatalities and we would like to keep it that way. Remember, if you see a Librarian, it is already too late.

The ban on wheat and wheat byproducts is still in effect and will remain so indefinitely. We all know why and there is no need to elaborate on reasons.

You may encounter tall winged beings, all named Erika, who claim to be angels. That is because they are and we can now acknowledge their existence, thanks to recent legal decisions. They are very friendly and helpful. One of the angels is frequently nude. We are deeply sorry.

Once again, welcome to our new residents, and good night, Night Vale. Good night.