Welcome to Night Vale: In Character

Hello, listeners. Or, readers, rather.

Thanksgiving is fast approaching. That yearly remembrance of those days when white invaders came to a land that was not theirs and exploited the native inhabitants, taking advantage of their hospitality when they found that they were poorly equipped to survive on their own, before beginning a campaign of brutal slaughter and abuse culminating in the objectification of that native populace. To celebrate the fact that they never rightly rose up to murder the European settlers, as well as to try to forget our blood-soaked past in favor of focusing on our blood-soaked future, we celebrate with a day that is arguably meant to show our gratitude for the blessings in our life but is more honestly an exercise in gluttony that mirrors the selfish exploits of the Europeans who came to this land long ago.

Also, in your celebrating, don't forget to make your way to THE BROWN STONE SPIRE to grovel and leave offerings. THE BROWN STONE SPIRE in its malevolent power may choose to bestow a gift on you if it is pleased with your offering. At the very least, it will probably spare you. As always, THE BROWN STONE SPIRE is brought to you by Wendy's.

Also! Good news, folks. Khoshekh had another clutch of kittens a little while back and the kittens have now vanished from the apartment. This can only mean that they have gone to new homes. This is good, both because everyone deserves to have a wonderful cat in their life and also because Carlos really is very allergic and having that many cats around was making things difficult. Even all the Benedryl really wasn't helping much. If there is a small cat floating in a fixed point in space in your house or apartment, good news. You have been chosen by one of the kittens, or perhaps ancient prophecy, and are now the owner of your very own pet. Congratulations on the new addition to your home.

Thank you as always, and good night, Night Vale. Good night.

Considering I am a lowly stand-up comedian with a bachelor's degree in Broadcast Journalism, this is all above my paygrade.

Like, seriously. A dog park that is actually a gateway to Hell? I mean, if you want to get technical I guess I have experience with gateways to Hell and maybe child-eating monsters but otherwise. I don't know what to put on my résumé here.





All of the above was just a clever cover for how I am about to absolutely lose my shit though, I have to admit.

Citizens of Night Vale and...new citizens of Night Vale who have been brought here by the cold and unfeeling universe! Cecil Palmer here with an update.

Good news, everyone! Or really, it's probably better not to ascribe a morality to any sort of news. That never ends well for anyone. So...news, everybody! After several months of quiet, in which the City Council declared that the whole "portals that seem to bring people from other worlds and times and realities" debacle was "over and done with" and "not a thing we'll ever have to worry about again" and "please stop asking, seriously, nobody's seen a portal in ages and also there were never any portals, what are you talking about, who are you", it seems that they have issued a retraction.

As it turns out, the portals very much do still exist and are spitting out more people and we once again have to acknowledge that they are a thing. City Council is grumbling and muttering indignantly to themselves about how maybe stupid portals should have gone away and stopped making a nuisance of themselves. They are also shooting looks at any portals they do see and making passive aggressive comments. So, business as usual.

To our new residents, welcome. Sure, you've been brought here not of your own volition by some sort of unknowable and awful tear in the space time continuum, ripped from your lives and taken to a place you never chose to come to. But that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Who doesn't like a vacation? In this case a vacation being a most likely permanent relocation to a new world. I'm Cecil Palmer, voice of Night Vale Community Radio. And, as always, there are some announcements, as well as general community updates.

City Council would, once again, like to remind everyone that the Dog Park on the corner of Earl and Somerset is strictly forbidden on account of being a gateway to a horrible desert otherworld. Do not go there. Definitely do not take your dog there. And, for the love of something, stop sleepwalking there. You know who you are. The Dog Park probably will not harm you.

The Hooded Figures that you may see around town, who definitely don't steal children any more, are mostly harmless, though it is still best not to talk to them, look at them, acknowledge them, or think too long about them.

The Night Vale Public Library has, once again, burned down. And, once again, rebuilt itself. It does still, unfortunately, contain librarians. Please stop burning down the library. We have established this does not work and just angers the librarians. While arson is not, technically, illegal, it is still frowned upon. Again, you know who you are.

There is a strange forest on the outskirts of town that I keep being told is completely harmless and was created with magic, but it's still good to be mindful, given this town's history with forests. Please be careful when entering that forest and by no means enter the other strange forest on the outskirts of town. That one does turn people into trees. They are easy to tell apart given one takes over people who wander into it and one doesn't.

You may encounter tall winged beings, all named Erika, who claim to be angels. That is because they are, in fact, angels. Please remember that certain legal decisions mean that we can openly acknowledge their existence without threat of reeducation. One of the angels is frequently nude, and we are very, very sorry.

After almost seven years, the ban on wheat and wheat by-products has been lifted. In a statement issued from the bushes outside of the Arby's, a spokesperson for City Council said that this decision came about because "everything will probably kill us eventually in some way or another, so really why should we even bother. Just give in to entropy." This does mean that Big Rico's Pizza will once again be serving pizza.

Homecoming is next week for the Night Vale Scorpions. They will be playing the Red Mesa Ant Carpenters. Head Coach Lutrice Beaumont plans to continue her current strategy of winning all the time and allowing team captain, Junius Duncan, to just throw the ball in whatever direction he wants. As always with Homecoming, please stick around for halftime, when you can see the spirits of all of your deceased loved ones.

The Greater Night Vale Scientific Community says that the reemergence of the portals is "interesting" and that they are "definitely interested" in them. They plan to do plenty of science to try and figure out what's going on there. Night Vale's lead scientist, Carlos, who is perfect and wonderful and also my husband, could not be reached for comment because he got caught up in an experiment and forgot to come home for dinner. Which is fine because I support his work. It is slightly disappointing, given it's Taco Tuesday and we were going to watch The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, but definitely fine. Carlos should know there are leftovers in the fridge and to please remember to eat later.

The housing development outside the Barista district was established to house those displaced from their own realities and continues to be made available to those who need a place to live. If you need directions, just follow the shrieking.

And lastly, Intern Tanya perished tragically in an altercation with the vending machine on the fifth floor. To the family of Intern Tanya, she was a good intern and will be missed. On an unrelated note, there are openings for interns at Night Vale Public Radio. If you have an interest in media, please apply today.

That is all for now. Thank you, citizens of Night Vale. And welcome, new citizens of Night Vale. This has once again been Cecil Palmer. Good night, Night Vale. Good night.

Hello, citizens of Night Vale and people who remain inexplicably displaced here. So really, hello citizens of Night Vale and new citizens of Night Vale. Cecil Palmer here.

Just a few things.

First, a new forest has appeared out of nowhere on the outskirts of the city. Nobody is sure where it came from, mostly because nobody has bothered to ask or investigate, and it's best to approach it with caution. Really though, if it's anything like other forests that have appeared out of nowhere, it's probably nothing to worry about. Just, if the forest tries to compliment you, take anything the trees might say with a grain of salt. And, maybe, don't linger for too long. You never know what might happen. Maybe you'll turn into a tree yourself and add to the forest's numbers. But that was just the one forest, so probably not.

Also, School Board elections will be held soon. Granted, these elections are hardly democratic, and it seems likely the current President of the School Board will remain in power. As everyone knows, the current School Board President is the Glow Cloud, a sentient cloud that glows in a variety of colors and occasionally hurls dead animals at people. The Glow Cloud is all powerful. The Glow Cloud is all knowing. The Glow Cloud is mighty and terrible and awe inspiring. All hail the Glow Cloud. Also, topics on the schedule for the next PTA meeting are whether gel pens cause autism, the answer to which is the same as the answer to every other meeting question about whether random items cause autism - that answer being no, and proposed changes to the militia training our students receive.

In other school news, the Night Vale Scorpions will be playing their homecoming game against the Red Mesa Ant Carpenters. Heading the Scorpions line up this year is senior, Megan Wallaby, who is showing great leadership skills. For those who don't know, Megan was born as a grown man's detached hand, though she did receive a donor body a few years ago. With Megan at the helm, the Scorpions really do stand a chance of defeating their bitter rivals. Let's go, Night Vale!

The Library has been destroyed, once again, in a freak fire. It has also, once again, reformed completely overnight. Unfortunately, it still does seem to contain librarians.

The Scientists of Night Vale are investigating, well, something, probably. They usually are, in any case. Night Vale's head Scientist, the perfect and wonderful Carlos, has been making a lot of notes on a white board and hmm-ing, and then doing things with beakers and then making more notes. This, as we all know, is how science works. His brow is also furrowing adorably with concentration. Also, he is my husband and he is perfect and I love him. I might love him more if he took a break from science to eat something.

Open Mic Night at Dark Owl records will be every Thursday night starting next week. Owner, Michelle Nguyen says that anyone can perform, so long as they don't do music or comedy or spoken word. Owner Michelle Nguyen's girlfriend Maureen says to ignore her and perform whatever you want because really, life is meaningless, so what's the big deal anyway.

And, as always, tune in to my radio show for more updates on life here in Night Vale.

So. I have a proposal for anyone skilled enough for it. And I hope that more than a few people are as I'm entirely unsure as to what sort of obstacles we will be facing, exactly.

We've been told that there is apparently an infestation in the library which prevents people from utilizing the facility without risking their lives. While my experienced with librarians has been nothing but pleasant with very few exceptions, this place is... odd enough that I am not going to outwardly doubt such advice.

But at the same time, I am becoming itchy with having no access to such a facility. So I propose we gather together and take down these beasts.

Give me liberty, or give me death, we say in the words attributed to men who often confused liberty with the freedom to engage in the role of oppressor. The void considers our ultimatum and grants us oblivion.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Citizens of Night Vale, and listeners of Night Vale Public Radio, this is Cecil Palmer, coming to you in a slightly different format this evening. This really is an exciting development. Night Vale has launched the entire net. Now, as you all know, I am something of a ludite, but my husband, Carlos, who is perfect and handsome and brilliant, has assured me that it is almost entirely safe. To the degree that anything is safe. Which, as well all know, is not at all.

I am using this method to reach out to you all because of some exciting news. Portals have begun appearing around our beautiful desert city, spitting out people from other worlds. While we have not ruled out some strange form of viral marketing for the Outback Steakhouse, we think this may in fact be more serious. Or, perhaps, it is simply a product of the revelry that marks our nation's independence from imperial rule and our descent into our own horrifying imperialism.

In any case, we welcome our new visitors-slash-potential citizens. Sure, you may be trapped here, with no way to return to the place where you came from, until such a time that the indifferent universe sees fit to send you there, but isn't that all of life?

Mayor Cardinal has also asked that I issue a few reminders. These, obviously, are first time reminders for our new residents.

There is a Dog Park at the corner of Earl and Somerset. Under no circumstances should you enter the Dog Park, as it is a gateway to a horrible desert otherworld. Do not look at the Dog Park and definitely do not take your dog there. The Dog Park probably will not harm you.

There are hooded figures within, and sometimes without, the Dog Park. Do not approach them, or look at them, or think too long about them. They are rarely dangerous and almost never openly steal children any more.

Do not enter the Night Vale Public Library, no matter how brave you may think you are. This year has seen a record low number of Librarian-related fatalities and we would like to keep it that way. Remember, if you see a Librarian, it is already too late.

The ban on wheat and wheat byproducts is still in effect and will remain so indefinitely. We all know why and there is no need to elaborate on reasons.

You may encounter tall winged beings, all named Erika, who claim to be angels. That is because they are and we can now acknowledge their existence, thanks to recent legal decisions. They are very friendly and helpful. One of the angels is frequently nude. We are deeply sorry.

Once again, welcome to our new residents, and good night, Night Vale. Good night.