Welcome to Night Vale: In Character

I think my Google Maps is broken.

You know, I might have liked the Fade better. At least it was up front about probably wanting me dead. This is just pretending to be polite about it.

I'm hungry and too hot and there's sand everywhere. It's like the Hissing Wastes all over again. I don't even have my sand boots on. I have the sucking mud boots on. I thought I was going to be in a sucking mud swamp.

As weird as this place is, I'm sort of starting to like it here. So far, we can't leave, so we have to adapt. And there are far worse places we could find ourselves. Like that Nazi world

I even have a job now. Apparently the Night Vale Daily Journal needed some reporters and I have experience. The place is an absolute disaster, and apparently the editor occasionally tries to take out her competitors with hatchets, but I just see that as a challenge.

Oh! Leonard. Thank you so much for the belated wedding present. I would tell you that you shouldn't have broken into our apartment to deliver it, but you wouldn't exactly be you if you did things the normal way.

Someone mind telling me where the hell I am and how I got here?

What the fucking shit?

First I was in space and now I'm here. Barnes, what did you do?

who: Hartley and Cisco, with special guest Jacob Frye.
what: Awkward mornings after are more awkward when you have a roommate.
where: Hartley and Cisco's apartment.
when: Early Sunday morning.
warning: Implied sexual content.
status: In progress.

( His life was weird. Very weird. But this was a sort of weirdness he could live with. )

Last I knew I was talking to a tree, and then I'm here, where there's barely any trees. Usually if I go that far that quickly, I did it to myself, but that doesn't seem to be what happened and I'm confused and I was a little angry but then a nice man showed me how to communicate with this and gave me something to drink so now it's mostly confused.

I'm Keyleth, and I'm going to make more trees because I'm feeling the opposite of claustrophobic.

Descensus in cuniculi cavum.

This is certainly something.

I love him. I’m not going to kill him. I love him. I’m not going to kill him.

Barry Allen, what have you gotten me into now?

A little warm for my taste but better than being dead.

I was really hoping that this was a bad dream.

Give me liberty, or give me death, we say in the words attributed to men who often confused liberty with the freedom to engage in the role of oppressor. The void considers our ultimatum and grants us oblivion.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Citizens of Night Vale, and listeners of Night Vale Public Radio, this is Cecil Palmer, coming to you in a slightly different format this evening. This really is an exciting development. Night Vale has launched the entire net. Now, as you all know, I am something of a ludite, but my husband, Carlos, who is perfect and handsome and brilliant, has assured me that it is almost entirely safe. To the degree that anything is safe. Which, as well all know, is not at all.

I am using this method to reach out to you all because of some exciting news. Portals have begun appearing around our beautiful desert city, spitting out people from other worlds. While we have not ruled out some strange form of viral marketing for the Outback Steakhouse, we think this may in fact be more serious. Or, perhaps, it is simply a product of the revelry that marks our nation's independence from imperial rule and our descent into our own horrifying imperialism.

In any case, we welcome our new visitors-slash-potential citizens. Sure, you may be trapped here, with no way to return to the place where you came from, until such a time that the indifferent universe sees fit to send you there, but isn't that all of life?

Mayor Cardinal has also asked that I issue a few reminders. These, obviously, are first time reminders for our new residents.

There is a Dog Park at the corner of Earl and Somerset. Under no circumstances should you enter the Dog Park, as it is a gateway to a horrible desert otherworld. Do not look at the Dog Park and definitely do not take your dog there. The Dog Park probably will not harm you.

There are hooded figures within, and sometimes without, the Dog Park. Do not approach them, or look at them, or think too long about them. They are rarely dangerous and almost never openly steal children any more.

Do not enter the Night Vale Public Library, no matter how brave you may think you are. This year has seen a record low number of Librarian-related fatalities and we would like to keep it that way. Remember, if you see a Librarian, it is already too late.

The ban on wheat and wheat byproducts is still in effect and will remain so indefinitely. We all know why and there is no need to elaborate on reasons.

You may encounter tall winged beings, all named Erika, who claim to be angels. That is because they are and we can now acknowledge their existence, thanks to recent legal decisions. They are very friendly and helpful. One of the angels is frequently nude. We are deeply sorry.

Once again, welcome to our new residents, and good night, Night Vale. Good night.