Welcome to Night Vale: In Character

This isn’t real.

It’s not real. It can’t be real.

What's going on? What is Edgar doing?

Where's Toni?

Where's Jason?

This place is screwed up in all kinds of ways.

[Eddie, Richie]
Hey. Mind if I stay for a while, let Betty's mom get settled in over there with my dad and stuff.

[Betty]
You okay?

[Betty, Richie, Eddie, Lucas]
My dad is here.

This definitely isn’t Riverdale.

In honor of Halloween week, tune for tomorrow's afternoon radio show - we kick off the week with a segment devoted to spiders and shower caps. To entice you, did you know that spider rain is not actually a myth?

Also, female red widows will cannibalize their male sexual partners. Probably not new for some of you though, amirite?

Filtered To The House (Richie, Jughead, Eddie, and Lucas)

I know it's probably a little unconventional, but would anyone object to me making all of us dinner? Like a family thing?

I mean, if it makes anyone umcomfortable, you don't have to come, and I can just make you a plate, but I thought it'd be nice if we could all have a nice dinner together. And I'm a pretty decent cook. I'm not a five-star chef or anything, but I can actually make a pretty good pot roast. Oh, and cookies.

As far as weird places go, and this place is pretty weird, it's not so bad.

I mean, hard to complain when I got a roof over my head, and my girl is here with me. That's really what makes all the difference.

But I mean. I should contribute to the household. Anybody hiring?

I never thought that the weirdest thing to happen to me wouldn't be in Riverdale.

My name is Betty Cooper, and I have no idea what's going on.

Look. I have had just the worst fucking day. I’ve been vomited on. I’ve been stabbed in the face. I was impaled by a goddamn clown and fucking died. And now I’m pretty sure Hell is in a fucking four corners state.

So can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?

I don't even know what to think right now.

Considering I am a lowly stand-up comedian with a bachelor's degree in Broadcast Journalism, this is all above my paygrade.

Like, seriously. A dog park that is actually a gateway to Hell? I mean, if you want to get technical I guess I have experience with gateways to Hell and maybe child-eating monsters but otherwise. I don't know what to put on my résumé here.





All of the above was just a clever cover for how I am about to absolutely lose my shit though, I have to admit.