[middle o' the goddamn night, trying desperately to stay Agent Barton, not fall into Clint]

Cap : Aragorn
Tony : Boromir (sorry, Ton', but)
Nat : Galadriel
Thor : Thorin Gimli (book vers.)
Agt Carter : Arwen
Bobbi : Éowyn
Fury : Gandalf
Loki : Gríma
Bruce : Elrond Radagast
Hulk : Balrog
Strange : one of the blue ones Elrond
Wanda : Lúthien
(Vision : Beren ? )
Pietro : Éomer Legolas

Hi. I'm Iron Man. And I'm here with a PSA to remind everyone about something really important.

That this exists: [video is viewable in this post]

So the next time you're feeling blue? Chin up soldier! You're just one click away from a pep talk.


At least this gig paid well.

..-. . . .-.. .. -. --. / -... . - - . .-. ..--..

Right, so you all seem to know each other which is cool. I don't know any of you so since I'm a friendly kind of guy, let's fix that.

...and if Tony boss is reading this (or his terrifying fiancée), it's break! I'm on break! I can have breaks!


( 50 random questions )

Hello boys... Miss me?

Okay so... After having a mental breakdown in my place (Thanks again Tony!) I guess it's better if I just get this over with...

I'm Darcy a lot of you know me, but...I don't know any of you. Apparently, the other Darcy that was here is gone and I arrived in her place so... I'm sorry about that.

But hey, I can still totally be your friend! Just ya know, bare with me is all.


Jane Foster

So...yeah, hi.

Thor

So how broken is your brother about this?

Yo. I'm here.

[Waves the beer bottle in his hand vaguely in the direction of the camera.]

Tell me some jokes.

Here, I'll start.

Three men 're playing golf.

First one's wearing shepherd's robes 'n' hits the ball with a crook. Ball goes into a water trap. He parts the water and hits the ball out.

Second one's wearing white robes. He hits the ball, it also goes into the water trap, he walks on the water and hits it back out.

Third one's got white robes and a long white beard. He hits the ball without looking. It bounces off three trees, lands on the wrong part of the green; a turtle picks it up in its mouth, a hawk scoops up the turtle, and while they're flying over, the turtle drops the ball and it sinks a hole in one.

First guy says to the second, "Dude, I hate playing with your dad."

So I guess this is where I tell everyone that I'm here. I think there's a few people I need to talk to.

You know you've had a good 4th July when you wake up the next morning and you've got a banging headache and little recall of what happened the night before.

And who doesn't love fireworks?

You'd think with everything that's been going on people would disengage from their cell phones long enough to realise that traffic moves when the light's green and, subsequently, people on the sidewalk stop so that they don't get hit.

Flying sharks not enough to make people pay attention to their surroundings? As long as we don't have another alien invasion, I'm betting human stupidity is what's going to end up wiping most of the people off this planet.

[Private: Fury]
Any more news on the secret SHIELD you're building?

Okay, who went and pissed off Thor?

Nat - I think we're going to need some new lightbulbs

Well that's a thing. I guess Franken-Friday snagged that as part of the news algorithm and posted it before I could make an announcement.

Anyway! Yep. We're getting married. You're all invited. Everyone on here. Huge party afterward. And hopefully a honeymoon without ninjas, terrorists, robots, or anything else attacking. That'd be great.

While we're still in announcement mode, Nick Fury is rebooting Secret SHIELD to help the Secret Avengers with some of the more shady stuff going on lately (like those super bullets). Co-funded by me and Pep. It should help get new information flowing in. So if you're one of those cloak and dagger types, he's the man to talk at.

Grats, Fury. Don't get all mad dad at me anymore.

[private to Pepper]

Someone really took your press release and ran with it, didn't they?

Looks like I'm not in Kansas anymore.

New York is different to how I remember it. Pretty sure that's to be expected... but the hot dogs still taste the same.

Hey guys! It's me, Scott.

Yay weird circumstances? So I guess, yeah. I'm here, and I'll be doing some contract work for people who need some electrical engineering or programming without the whole...legal paper nonsense. Because that former theft stuff really puts a damper on trying to do anything ever again.

Day to day aside if anyone needs Ant Man for heroly things--and where are we with that anyways? Should I be talking about that? Whatever, I'm here. Again. Let's just not...go to jail this time. Full disclaimers needed before hopping back into the suit. I have a kid I would still like to see. Please. Thanks. Cool.

[ Text to Steve ]
> Steve, is Dr Banner alright?
> Have the clean up efforts stopped?

[ Text to Pietro ]
> I know you left to go to the market
> You did not take your wallet.

[ Text to Clint ]
> Would you like to go out for coffee?
> I found a nice place that does artisan coffee and cake. I would like to try it.

[ Text to Stephen ]
> Thank you for yesterday's lesson.
> I would very much like to borrow some books to read outside of the time we spend together. Would that be allowed?

Whoever said, "The universe is not only stranger than you imagine, it's stranger than you can imagine," wasn't just whistling Dixie.

I find myself in the unusual position of being a months-long resident of the Big Apple and a brand-new arrival. So hello, everyone.

Some of you are friends. Some of you are acquaintances. Some of you I know by name/reputation/sight. Some of you are complete strangers. But we're all in this together, I'm told.

So once again: hello, everyone. Feel free to catch up, say hello, or introduce yourself, as appropriate.

Now that the clean-up operation has begun, I would appreciate it if somebody could tell me just what that was that I saw destroying a large part of Manhattan.

The city is how you say a mess, but then it was taken apart by the Hulk

Reminds me of home

Captain Rogers has me helping with the search and rescue efforts, I am hopeful

Well there is nothing more embarrassing than running through Prospect Park after clocking a cop with his own baton while only wearing a bikini. So much for Cabo.

These people whoever they are have got some massive cojones considering they opened fire in broad daylight with armor-piercing rounds

Either that or they're just really fucking stupid

I know which one I'm putting my money on

Neither guy was feeling particularly talkative but I know what police station they were taken to so I'm saying there's nothing stopping us from going in, yanking them out and doing our own interrogation

Looking for Strange.

> So I uh maybe pulled a couple stitches
> And there is not enough alcohol in this hotel room for my liking
> How you holding up?

This is all due to Matt Murdock, super lawyer and sexy devil. Everyone give him a round of applause, and never mention anything about him to the general populace. Because what happens on the network, stays on the network. Like Fight Club with better costume design.

First, let's have a sing-a-long to Freedom. It's the first thing that I listened to this morning. Sang out loud with it too. Sorry not sorry, roomies? Lucky for you, my singing voice is made of great.

Second? Honey, I'm coming home. ✌️ I have to talk to some people first though. So you don't get to be sick of me until after this weekend. Sorry really sorry.

Third, a FYI. Pep and I will work out a more permanent housing situation, so none of you are stuck worrying about where to go next or getting super cooties. All of the sorries.

Last: I know it's exciting that another of my great mistakes is taken care of, but don't blow up anything to celebrate. Ok? Ok. Glad we had this chat.

Belated P.S. - WHIH can pucker up and kiss my still perky ass.

I would like to introduce myself to all those that I have not previously met. My name is Wanda Maximoff, and the timeline has seen fit to have me join you here in New York City.

[Private to Clint]
Please can you bring some male clothing to my hotel room?

[text to Jessica]

> Hey there, Grumpy.
> Kind of hoping you're not dead.
> Wanted to talk about the fact that you're fired.
> Maybe make sure you're alive.
> Not that I care or anything.


[text to Pepper]
> Hi, honey. 💏
> We need to open up the Stark Realty Company.
> Nat's being attacked by cockroaches in 70's pimp hats.


[text to Clint]
> 😗🖤
> Miss me? I miss you lots, sassy ass.
> Working on getting you and Nat out of there before you catch diseases.


[text to Trish]
> Update: I have a prototype.
> It's not sophisticated but it's all I can rig up w/o lab access.

[Text to Clint]
> Feel like the bedbug army here is growing in numbers
> Want to see if we can pool resources and find somewhere else to stay?
> My other place here didn't have insurance.
> Pretty sure flying sharks aren't covered anyway

[Text to Steve]
> Just checking in, old man. Haven't heard from you in a while.
> Everything okay?

[Text to Tony]
> How're the ribs?
> Haven't seen you exonerated yet; still living the fugitive life like the rest of us?

[Text to James]
> Как дела? Все в порядке?
> Я нашел тир, который не задавал никаких вопросов. Вы хотели бы сопровождать меня в следующий раз?

[Private to Tash]

You doing okay? Noticed that Bruce is back

So there's apparently some universe slapping that's happened by a wizard and now this is the network we can all talk on so that we know who is and isn't affected?

How does that even work?

But, uh, hi everyone. I'm Peter. Parker. Peter Parker, that's me.

Hey. Listen. I know we're all kinda waiting for something to top the Sharknado incident or for someone to get arrested or whatever BUT, hear me out. I got a gig being a DJ at Retro Club NYC this week on Friday night. All of you who are of age to go to a Terran club should come and dance and drink and have fun so they might actually hire me.

I'm looking at you Asgardians especially since I know you all can party.

Good morning, shady network app/server I got in a card from a stranger's users. Explain please, thank you.

Hello everyone. If we haven't met, I'm Steve Rogers.

Tony Stark has been arrested. Since I have no assurance that he is being held humanely, nor do I believe he will be offered a fair trial, I'm going to break him out. As several of you know, I've done this before.

The process will be dangerous and there will of course be a risk that I will be caught and incarcerated as well, but I'd like to see if anyone else would like to volunteer to join me. Doctor Strange may have an idea of his location soon and I want to be standing by when he does.

Please let me know.

[Text to Clint]
> Did you see the news?
> Have you stopped feeling delighted yet?


[Text to Steve]
> Have you seen the news?
> What are we going to do?

> When sharknado is over, you wanna go grab some food?
> Maybe some Shawarma?
> It's been a while since we were last in New York together after all

Okay so I know New York is known for its amazing places to eat, but flying sharks? I think that's taking sushi a little too far don't you think?

Also, people are idiots

I stopped a dude from taking his picture with what he thought was a dead shark, but turns out it was more like Jaws and it would've taken his head off

Beginning to think coming out of retirement was a really bad idea

Hey so this is a long shot but I figure if Loki is here then the chances are you might be as well

If you are, you ok?

So, who do I blame for my current predicament?

Normally I'd blame Stark but I don't think even he's capable of this much fuckery

In other news, anybody heard from or seen Wanda?