InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "treat yo self"

Clint Barton (antivillain_) wrote in avengers_net,
@ 2018-07-28 21:13:00

Entry tags:

- network, bobbi morse, clint barton, steve rogers, tony stark, wanda maximoff

[open video]
Yo. I'm here.

[Waves the beer bottle in his hand vaguely in the direction of the camera.]

Tell me some jokes.

Here, I'll start.

Three men 're playing golf.

First one's wearing shepherd's robes 'n' hits the ball with a crook. Ball goes into a water trap. He parts the water and hits the ball out.

Second one's wearing white robes. He hits the ball, it also goes into the water trap, he walks on the water and hits it back out.

Third one's got white robes and a long white beard. He hits the ball without looking. It bounces off three trees, lands on the wrong part of the green; a turtle picks it up in its mouth, a hawk scoops up the turtle, and while they're flying over, the turtle drops the ball and it sinks a hole in one.

First guy says to the second, "Dude, I hate playing with your dad."

(Post a new comment)

	antivillain_ 2018-07-29 04:30 am UTC (link)
	[…and until someone else responds, he'll keep rattling jokes off to himself, periodically air-drumming his own rim shots.] Photon walks into a hotel. Bellhop says, "Got any luggage?" Photon says, "Nah, I'm traveling light." (Reply to this) (Thread)

	antivillain_ 2018-07-29 04:32 am UTC (link)
	Two whales walk into a bar. Bartender says, "What'll it be, gents?" First whale goes: [he sings some extremely atonal atrocity meant to be whalesong] Second whale goes: "Go home, Frank, you're drunk." (Reply to this) (Parent)

	antivillain_ 2018-07-29 04:36 am UTC (link)
	Guy hears a knock on his door. Opens door. Sees a snail on the doorstep. Picks up the snail, tosses it into the bushes. Four years later, another knock, opens the door, the snail's back and says, "What the hell was that about?" (Reply to this) (Parent)

	antivillain_ 2018-07-29 04:38 am UTC (link)
	Buddhist monk says to hotdog vendor, "Make me one with everything." (Reply to this) (Parent)

	antivillain_ 2018-07-29 04:41 am UTC (link)
	Grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We've got a drink named after you." Grasshopper says, "Really? You got a drink named Pete?" (Reply to this) (Parent)

the_iron_man
2018-07-29 08:01 am UTC (link)

A bus full of ugly people had a head-on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish.

The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened.

The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group.

God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.

When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

(Reply to this) (Thread)

	the_iron_man 2018-07-29 10:24 am UTC (link)
	Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?" Student: "A drinking problem." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	antivillain_ 2018-07-29 02:15 pm UTC (link)
	Other student: "Friggin' ginormous hands." A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "Five drinks, please." Hey, Tony. We all friends again? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

the_iron_man
2018-07-29 06:22 pm UTC (link)

Point.

Hey, Clint. Yeah. Here's where I admit I effed up. I pissed off Ross and ended up there too for a hot second. Caw caw, jail buddy.

Friends if you are. We've got bigger fish to fry. Speaking of?

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	antivillain_ 2018-07-29 10:08 pm UTC (link)
	Y'know what, Ton'… I blame Vision. And Widow. They're the ones supposed to be able to see into the core of a person's thoughts and feelings and do something about 'em, right? Apply one therapist and we all could've avoided trying to punch our way out. […that joke, of all of them, leaves him speechless. He finally just pops another bottletop.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	the_iron_man 2018-07-29 08:34 pm UTC (link)
	Man: "Hey baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	antivillain_ 2018-07-29 10:06 pm UTC (link)
	Man bumps into a woman in a hotel elevator. They stare at each other then laugh. Man says, "I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." Woman says, "If your penis is hard as your elbow, I'm in room 114." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	antivillain_ 2018-07-29 02:25 pm UTC (link)
	That the setup or the punchline? Either way, needs work. Hey Cap. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)