Can't have one fucking thing, I guess.

Rumlow's gone.

So is Matt Murdock, just in case anyone gave a shit.

[Voicemail left on Tony Stark's phone]

it's just the sound of Jessica laughing her ass off

[Text to Jessica Jones]
> So, how is the superheroing going?
> You know, we had lunch the other day.
> I hate him.

[Text to Matt Murdock]
> Congratulations on overturning the Sokovia Accords!
> I don't 'fangirl' but if I did I would be doing so right now, which would be incredibly nerdy of me.
> Thought you might wanna know Kilgrave roped me into lunch a few days ago and managed to keep the mind control to a minimum so that's a plus.
> He will lord it over you but since he's deluded into thinking she'll love him of her own volition if he becomes a hero that might keep him on the narrow for a while.

[Text to Kilgrave]
> Okay. We're doing this superhero thing.
> We start tomorrow at 8am.
> You're going to leave my friends alone.
> I'm not living with you.
> You have to text me before you show up to my place.
> Do we have a deal?

[Text to Trish]
> I'm starting superheroing tomorrow.
> If I want to kill myself tomorrow, just know that you can have my stuff.
> I'm thinking about writing up a contract and getting him to sign it.
> Somehow I think he might listen to that.

[Text to Rumlow]
> Hey. I'm sorry I've been quiet.
> It's been a lot.
> I'm okay. I mean not okay but you fucking know. I'm not dead or mind controlled or some shit like that.
> But I have to keep an eye on him.
> And that means trying to make him a good person.
> So basically I'm fucked.
> Oh and I got fired, so no more fucking money.

[Text to Matt]
> Okay. So I'm around again. Sort of.
> You're a fucking dick for making people think you were dead.
> I mean I get why. I kind of feel like faking my death right now.
> But you're still a dick.

[text to Jessica]

> Hey there, Grumpy.
> Kind of hoping you're not dead.
> Wanted to talk about the fact that you're fired.
> Maybe make sure you're alive.
> Not that I care or anything.


[text to Pepper]
> Hi, honey. 💏
> We need to open up the Stark Realty Company.
> Nat's being attacked by cockroaches in 70's pimp hats.


[text to Clint]
> 😗🖤
> Miss me? I miss you lots, sassy ass.
> Working on getting you and Nat out of there before you catch diseases.


[text to Trish]
> Update: I have a prototype.
> It's not sophisticated but it's all I can rig up w/o lab access.

Good morning, shady network app/server I got in a card from a stranger's users. Explain please, thank you.

> Hey you. Private Eye thing.
> Need ASAP update on Rumlow.
> Because weird thing happened during that thing I'm not supposed to talk about.

[two hours later]

> Where's my update? Hello.

[another hour later]

> I know for a fact I didn't piss in your Wheaties today.
> Are you dead? Don't be dead.
> I need info and I can't get that if you're dead.
> I'm giving you a no star Yelp review.

[twenty minutes later]

> I'll give you one star if you say something.

>jess
>you stopped answering
>where are you
>talk to me

> i need
> i'm done watching you
> i have to go for a while
> don't know if i'll be back

>Was whatever happened really necessary?
>This is ridiculous. We have a deal.
>You're not backing out are you?
>Jessica.

...

>I quite liked this suit, you know.

> He's here.

TONY

WHY ARE THERE MEN IN MY OFFICE, ROLLING IN A SIX FOOT TALL UNICORN MADE OF PINK AND WHITE ROSES WITH A GOLD EDGED RAINBOW RIBBON AROUND ITS NECK

ON A GOLDEN PLATFORM

WITH A BUCKET OF CHAMPAGNE AND TWO GLASSES BETWEEN ITS HOOVES OMG

THEY WON'T TAKE IT BACK

TONY WHY

>Hey. I'm outta whiskey
>wanna buy me a drink with Stark's money?
>you're supposed to be watching me anyway haha

Hi, Sunshine! Miss me?

I know you can punch through a wall. I know you're a private investigator. I'm not asking you to join any more super secret clubs or anything.

Even though we hate each other's guts right now, I want to hire you. At ten times your going rate to keep your private eye on someone.

Look I don't really give a shit about this whole time thing. I'm not interested in being in your little band of superfriends.

But someone's got to come and get this chick from my door. The one with the huge tits. She won't stop knocking, saying it's her job or something. I don't give a fuck. Someone come get her before I make her go.