#culturejournals

[Imogen]

So.

Should I start with 'I Told You So'? Or a sarcastic golf clap? Or both at the same time?

[DMLE]

Well, seeing as how I'm starting today it only seems right that I introduce myself.

Hello! I'm Heracle new Hitwizard, Heracles Crabbe. You can call me Herc. You probably know my wife Imogen, from the Obliviator Office but I can promise there's no nepotism at. I'm hoping that my former business connections and what I learned there will help me chip in around here. Looking forward to working with you all.

Also, I take my coffee black, two sugars, if someone's in charge of that.

[Ministry DEs]

Hello.

[Adam Goldstein]

So, this may get slightly awkward, so I thought I'd be decent and ward you before we ran into each other.

But I'm a Hitwizard now. When are you working next? I'm wondering how our shifts will line up.

[Death Eaters in the DMLE]

So the whole 'running Pirate Radio' thing is still illegal, yes? Not just tragically 'adult virgin' sad, right?

Because I've tracked down the person who was running it for you. Maybe I should apply to be a Hitwizard.

[Outer Circle DEs]

You know, I really don't like this beacon thing.

[Goldstein]

So. Still seeing someone?

[Outer Circles DEs]

Should I get a job at the Ministry? It seems like everyone's doing it these days.

Crabbe Imports would like to take a moment to clear up some malicious rumours that have apparently been circling for a while now; Our goods are of the highest quality and come from reputable, reliable vendors and craftsmen from across the wizarding world. We'd respond to these rumours in greater depth, but instead will let our loyal, satisfied customer base and years of service speak for themselves.

Besides, from what I saw last time I took a stroll along Knockturn, it seems that 'karma' isn't just a muggle concept. It's also a bitch, Bur

Well, this might just be the best day ever. I can't believe some of you are actually whining about this. Fuck work, fuck everything, and have some fucking fun.

Or don't, I don't really care what the rest of you do.

[Adam]
Hey.

[Rudolphus]
Hey. No, wait, Bella

[Rita]
Hey.

[Evan]
Hey.

[Thor]
Hey.

['Accidentally' warded to Leslie]

Rodolphus,

As we were discussing, I think I've got an 'in' at the Prophet now. Which will help with how muddy things have been getting over there. Miss Skeeter seemed like she'd be receptive to seeing me again and discussing more secrets. I'd say 'passionate' about continuing our relationship, even.

[Warded to Rita]

I just wanted to thank you for an incredible evening. I thought of sending flowers, but figured that might err on the side of 'tacky'. I'd love to see you again.

[Outer Circle]

I would like to remind you all that no matter what grievances we may have with each other, running and telling teacher because you're scared is a pussy move befitting a Hufflepuff. Grow a spine.

[Rita]

I believe we discussed dinner once upon a time, and I promised you stories and scandal?

I'd hate to be the kind of man who goes back on his word, so when's good for you? This weekend, perhaps. I can get us a table at Lyricalia. Lovely place.

You know, there's really nothing quite as tacky as reneging on an arrangement. Especially over something as paltry as 'sticker shock'.
Perhaps if you're having 'money troubles', it's best not to commission someone to make a trip to fucking Russia to track down to track down and retrieve various pieces of jewelry for you instead of letting that someone do all the legwork only to admit at the end that you have no intention of paying for the jewelry.
And I only adjust the price a lit

I hate Russia.

I suppose the best revenge is discussing your money troubles with my proper, paying clientele.

[Imogen]

Alright, consider this a white flag on the field. Where do you want me to make reservations for your birthday? I was thinking about trying to surprise you, but I didn't want to book us at a sushi place only to find out you hate fish and tear me a new one. So name wherever you want, and I'll get us in.

[Adam]

My flat tonight? I could do with indulging in some sin. And some coddling. Sin-coddling?

[The Outer Circle]

If I'm found dead somewhere in the next few days, it was Imogen.

Ahhh the feeling of an impending Monday morning and everything it brings with it, so depressing. Work had me in Portugal last week, and this week it's looking like Paris, Rome, and possibly Moscow.

Life is such a struggle. How's everyone else's week shaping up so far?

[Lestranges]

Thank you for a lovely party, as always. It was an honour to help you celebrate your anniversary, especially in such an incredible setting.

I've got the mirror secured and ready for transport whenever's most convenient for you, so just let me know. At the risk of being tacky though, it was very expensive, so hopefully that's not an issue.

[Thor]

I've got some time sketched out to do some jewelry scouting for you, but we never discussed price. Am I going modest, expensive, or 'so expensive you'll die of gratitude'? Gauche to ask, I know, but it's better I know in advance.

[Evan]

The liquor is secured, and I've got a line on a book that might suit your purposes. Something about 'tracking the journey and evolution of dark magic across the globe through the ages' and then I just stopped listening. It's First Edition, though, and ludicrously expensive, so I guess the question is how high a price tag you're looking to set.

The vendor is also completely detestable, so you're going to owe me a personal favour.

[Death Eaters]

We may need to take my flat off of the list of emergency safehouses.

Nothing major, it's just slightly less secret than it used to be.

With Valentine's Day fast approaching, it's worth noting that now is the perfect time to inquire about bringing something into the country through Crabbe Imports. Nothing says romance quite like 'I got it for you in Paris' or Prague, or Venice, or the romantic city of your choice. Big or small, normal or discreet, our staff has experience with almost everything.

And because discounts have come up on the journals over the last few days, I thought it best to clarify Crabbe Imports stance on discounts; We don't. Or rather, if you're the kind of client who warrants a discount, you already know it. And if you're not important enough to warrant one, best not to worry about it.

[Lestranges]

Well, you seem to be having a crazyan interesting week and might be too busy for it, but I've started moving a few different mirrors into the country for you, if you want to come see them. Do you still need me to come see Rabastan's rooms for the decor?

I'm also trying to track down a mirror I saw in Lisbon with my father a few years back. There was some kind of enchantment or haunting going on that meant whenever you looked into it, it would comment on your clothes and hair. Very biting wit, tore my father to shreds. Thought you might be interested.

[Adam Goldstein]

What are you doing on Valentine's Day?

your choices are coming back to haunt you. the lies you've told, the people you've wronged, the nasty things you've said. sometimes an apology goes a long way, but only if it's genuine. don't apologise just to apologise, nobody likes or wants one of those [redacted] fauxpologies

You know, usually I enjoy my horoscope, but this one really doesn't seem relevant to me or my life. At all.

In light of everything that has happened in the past few days, and in the hopes of keeping my employees safe at home with their families in these trying times, I am choosing to break from family tradition and keep Crabbe Imports closed between Christmas and New Years.

Hopefully anyone who is inconvenienced will appreciate that I have my staffs' safety in mind.

[Warded to Outer Circle DEs]

Well, that's my vacation extended by a few days, at least.

Is anyone else in the mood to get completely wrecked?

[Warded to Rodolphus]

Well, it took a weekend trip to Croatia, a lot of bribery, and of all things an arm-wrestling competition, but I did it.

I think Bellatrix will love them, if I do say so myself. Rich, dark leather, impeccably crafted, and he ever threw in a matching pair of whips to keep things under control.

I've got them safe at one of my more discreet storehouses right now, but whenever you want to pick them up, just let me know.

[End ward]

You know, it always strikes me as interesting when this 'Order' and that 'pirateradio' call people out. If you're a pureblood, or have purist inclinations, or ever even so much as stood next to a purist at a holiday party, you're expected to be completely transparent and forthright about your political leanings, your friendships, and everything else. Complete transparency and honesty. Demanded by anonymous, secretly warded accounts. Very interesting.

Of course, by 'interesting' I mean 'complete horseshit'.

You know, I woke up this morning with that certain sense of dread you can only get on a monday. Where you know that in an hour or so, you're going to have to go into work and face another entire week of drudgery and boredom, when you'd really rather spend the entire day in bed or head off to a restaurant for an early lunch and a few drinks. It was awful.

Then I remembered I'm my own fucking boss, and decided to keep the shop closed today. Amazing feeling.

Of course, loyal customers can feel free to contact me personally for any business they might need attending, but everyone else can wait until tomorrow.

Well, that was definitely a fun party. I'd like to express my gratitude to our wonderful hosts, and hope they all enjoyed themselves as much as I did. I think the evening got away from me at some point, though.

It was probably when I started double fisting Thors.