#culturejournals

so apparently Ol Lady Thurkell has a son? he sounds just like her

ELLIS
LOU
OTTO
EV
JA

so I'm going to be a dad again?

I'm just saying this here because I've no clue who is in charge of the critter department now but

I'm not coming into work today because my entire home fell into a sinkhole and I haven't slept

also if you were boarding your pets over the holidays at Greengrass Animal Healers sorry but we don't have them anymore. and if you had an appointment with us this month it's cancelled because Greengrass Animal Healers also fell into a sinkhole

ol' lady thurkell passed away.

SLYTHERIN 10 + BELINDA

sorry mates that I haven't been able to come to all the things you've been inviting me to do. also thanks for hexting me

in case you're wondering, this is what I've been up to:

- jessica jones
- nick cage
- spartacus
- archer
- bojak
- luther
- friends
- skins
- shameless

just a reminder that even though Halloween is over that doesn't mean it's now okay to floo in fake ghost sightings of your grandmum/great-uncle/old neighbour who you supposedly "brought back from the dead on Monday and is now haunting you."

these are prank floos and we're understaffed we WILL fine you if you keep doing this
please stop
please

also dragons are not a joke either stop sending us little origami dragons to flutter around what's left of the office it's not funny.

LOU

hi

I hope I'm not bothering you but it's kind of important. I heard about what happened to Potter and his wife said that You-Know-Who was going after the baby???

does your group have any idea why? also i wanted to show you this: ( cut )

JACOB

are you still alive?

OTTO BAGMAN IS THE NEXT WIZARDING ACTOR MATT DAMON!!!

you heard it here first
who wants to bet on how many awards he's going to win for this?
not "if." how many

every time I hear the name Benjy Fenwick I'm just going to think of Otto in that role. He IS Benjy

CRITTERS (no Niamh)

not gonna talk about what just happened
so just a quick fyi for everyone, there are going to be some changes in the spirit division and I went over it with my team but since we all do all the things when we need to and are a bit understaffed now I just wanted to make sure the lot of you all know

I'm going to be devising a new filing system for our archived paperwork on spirits that have crossed over because we've had too many cases this last year of spirits that actually just pretended to cross over but haven't (aka the Carrigan effect) and then come back months or years later to bother us again. right now everything is arranged by the date the case was closed, which is fine and dandy for regular closed cases but not when suddenly these ghosts are back and bothering us again and we need to dig up their files

I'm also going to be updating some of the paperwork forms because they haven't been updated since 1898 and there's no room for any sort of notation on if the sighting was documented via social media which could be a major issue, and it still references back to form 58b which is the one that's just a list of the 14 different photography shops in the country at that time and is awfully out of date

also I'm going to create a new form for animal ghosts because we've been having to write in our own fields on the regular ghost form for too long and it's really not effective or useful

that's all let me know if you have any questions

PRIVATE

( Cut for length )

PIP
EVAN

did

LOU

I know

good

just a public service announcement for everyone:

no, lorcan d'eath is NOT starting a new band called d12 which is him and a bunch of dementors
no you did not see lorcan d'eath eat celestina warbeck's sister at the HogBash Festival last weekend, you were on too much dragonsclaw. she's not even in the country right now
but yes frank ocean did release an exclusive magical version of Blonde

LOU

hiya cutie

JUST A REMINDER FOLKS

if a ghost has occupied your drain pipes YES it might clang a bit but NO it's not what's preventing your sink from draining. you've probably got some other rubbish down there too. no the critters aren't going to come out and fix your drain, that's what a plumber is for.

no we won't pay for your plumber
no it's not our responsibility to fix this for you
no we didn't plant the ghosts there just to give money to Big Plumbing (what is that even????)
no this isn't a "10 Downing Ghost Conspiracy"?????
downing has nothing to do with downing rods?
idek know anymore

please stop

CRITTERS

so congrats to us for a Full Moon well done

I mean a few people got bit and I think someone turned into a werewolf but also we STOPPED a lot of people from getting hurt? also we're all still alive and we can't say that every full moon

so let's have one of our usual pub nights! it's been a while. tonight, usual place — the Dead Stag. 9p. who knows, maybe we all won't be alive after the next full better make the most of it

LOU

hiya cutie

are you going to this gala thing on Monday?

drnuk postin on tehi wintternet!!!

my; friens are theosbest
my irlifriend is the best
alkjcohols is the bestg
im the dbest
mhy kdfthsdieg ist ge best

it smhy birstday

no

no

its my birstday party

ask me ssnayhting

just a public service announcement but "werewolf spray" does not keep away werewolves, it just makes you stink bad.

also thank you to all my friends & fans for blowing up my wizta for my birthday yesterday

LOU, S10, BELINDA, JONAH, IZZY, ELLIS, PRU, CLARA, DAFFY, LELAND, SEVERUS, what other young purists am I missing?

okay so it was REALLY a good idea for me to plan my birthday party for next friday

if you didn't get the Owless Post invite lmk and I'll resend it, I've rented out a pub and we're all going to have a blast because it's going to be the #ASHERAGER2016 (please use that hashtag). it's going to be...

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE

Hi Mrs Lestrange I have a favour to ask of you.

Respectfully,
Asher Greengrass

attention ladies and gentlewizards

I need to clear up some misconceptions. yes, werewolves are creatures. they are XXXXX dangerous level as classified by the DRCMC when they are transformed. they are beasts when transformed and beings when in human form.

BUT. humans are ALSO creatures. we are in the Being division, with goblins, vampires, hags, maybe centaurs idk ???, and a few others. the Being division is a subdivision of "creature."

so please remember while having your flame wars that we are all creatures.

(thestrals, on the other hand, are beasts, which you would know if you came to #ThestralThursday)

CRITTERS

also fuck my life because now Ol' Lady Thurkell is calling and it's not even Monday, it's FRIDAY and I had lunch plans with my girlfriend but I haven't even eaten lunch now because this crazy old bint is convinced that her neighbour is a werewolf. she says she's staring at him right now he's out in the yard and she won't believe me that she's looking at a crup

she also thinks he's a half-vampire werewolf so there's that too. even though it's DAYLIGHT and NOT A FULL MOON.

also Vivi why did you defriend me on Wiztagram???

LOU

sorry I had to miss lunch. blame Thurkell.

[o/s]

Thanks to everyone who's posted the transcripts. I know it's just really grueling work but a lot of it is probably going to be helpful. [...] I'm not sure how helpful the bug for Asher Greengrass is, there is definitely kind of this vibe of a little bit shady but I had to include some of it because [...] look, I'm all for responsible bugging and not encroaching on peoples privacy but look, I think you'll understand when you see it. Anyway, transcripts are here.

They start pretty innocuously debating dating a half-vampire(?????) If I'm reading this right? But given Belinda Yaxley is really loud about her opinions...

( cut for size )

how do you tell the old lady you're frenemies with that you don't need any of her leftover "welcome back Jesus" cake? I mean, it's a nice gesture she wants to send it to me, but first of all Easter was a week ago now and it's probably stiff as a boy at a Lorcan D'Eath concert (CONGRATS OTTO AND BELINDA BY THE WAY) and also her entire house smells like mothballs and cigarettes. so I assume the cake also smells like mothballs and cigarettes

and then she started asking me about where she can get apps but doesn't want a mobile? and why can't she just purchase them on their own?

none of this has anything to do with ghosts
and I can't get her off the floo
someone AK me please
(not really)

BELINDA

so I've been to that set three times now and I can't find any sign of Matthew Morrison being a ghost

is Effie going to be okay? do you want me to be there to break it to her with you?

LOU

hi cutie

WARDED TO THE DMLE

Hiya

In case you don't know me I'm Asher Greengrass. I'm a Critter and local thestral expert and Lou Wilkes boyfriend and also a poison victim a few weeks back.

I've received a suspicious package in the owl post here at work from a woman I've never met who I'm pretty sure has a vendetta against me. she sent me baked goods, and also recently told me in the journals numerous times that they weren't poisoned, which is pretty suspicious to me. like she's hiding that they are actually poisoned. she even included a note that says "DON'T GET POISONED" which is a clear indicator something isn't right here

I also very specifically never asked her to send me anything, and given her dislike of me and my status as a former poison victim, I'm very nervous about all this. so if someone could take these and look into it, I'd appreciate it. I don't want them. If you can send my girlfriend too that will

thanks,
Asher Greengrass

[WARDED TO: AVERYS]

I'm going to spend to spend tomorrow night in the blasting quarry. I mean presuming I've still got fucking limbs after tonight, ha ha

it's not like we didn't see it coming bu
she's sentenced for LIFE
and on the FULL MOON AS IF IT WASN'T FUCKED ENOU

I'll be at the Aviery the rest of the week cos Michael's home for hols though. Izzy, distract him & don't let him follow me outside

[WARDED TO: CLARA]

this week is fucking shit. another full tonight. love you.

[WARDED TO: ASHER]

you updated your relationship status on WIZTAGRAM? I had to find out about two of my best mates dating THROUGH WIZTAGRAM????

[WARDED TO: EVAN]

did you hear about Lou and
I don't want to
d'you

one day back in Tweedmouth and I miss Carlton already. your ugly mug, not so much




ugggghhhhh, today.

Attention everyone I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT

My name is Asher Greengrass and I'm a huge disappointment to everyone I know but especially my family. Of all the trash sons in the world I am the trashiest and I live in my parents backyard and pretend it's cool and not just because I'm a failure at life. You would think I've learned my lesson after the first time, but apparently not!!!!

My hobbies include snogging everyone who looks at me and then trying to RUIN MY BROTHER'S LIFE because I can't stand when other people might have something GOOD going for them for once. I rarely clean my room and there's a box of pizza under my bed that's been there for at least a month and I have no goals in life and I'm going to never get my shit together.

I'm probably going to get killed tonight during the full moon because of my own stupidity.

brb have to go take a cold shower

you know what they say about op-eds right? they're like arseholes

LOU

do we have plans Wednesday? If not do you want to do something on Thursday? also lunch was boring without you yesterday I had to eat with PIP ewwww you know how much I can't stand pip 😂😂😂

but really stop being on active duty when I want to eat lunch with you
(jk but not really but jk)

DONNIE

so maybe let's not talk about that ever

is this week over yet?

I come in to my normal Monday morning call from Old Lady Thurkell, but apparently she's of her rocker because she thought it was Tuesday and spent a whole hour yelling at how she couldn't get through to anyone yesterday when she was being haunted (she wasn't being haunted) and how if the ghost nifflers had killed her (there are no ghost nifflers) it'd be on our head and how I was being so irresponsible for not being there to answer her Floo and yes it was definitely Monday yesterday not Sunday.

Then she changed her tune and got worried I'd been Imperiused by the Aurors "because I know they said it's illegal but you can't trust the Ministry these days" even though I am Ministry??? and how it's all just gotten so liberal these days and she'd die before she lets Bagnold take her wand away

so my real question is why didn't her kids visit her on Mothering Sunday?

LOU

so thanks for going with me to Pip and Clara's party. it was a lot of fun.

also thanks for snogging me a lot that was fun too.

THESTRAL THURSDAY
This Thursday @ the Three Broomsticks. Doors at 7

jJoin me for an extremely educational and informative lecture about Thestrals at the Three Broomsticks this Thursday. You think thestrals are creepy? Prepare to be amazed by these magnificent and misunderstood creatures. All information is 100% scientifically accurate and thoroughly peer-reviewed and vetted by a world-renowned Animal Healer.

RSVPs are appreciated, 2 drink minimum. Get there early, in case it fills up!

CRITTERS minus BEA

anyone know why Bea is mad at me this time? it can't be for the same thing she was mad on Friday, she calmed down by the end of the day but then ever since yesterday there's been FIENDFYRE in her eyes every time she looks at me. she glared at me for taking some of the sweets montgomery left us and I wasn't even loading my pockets like usual, I just took a handful.

what is going on????????

also you lot had all better come to Thestral Thursday.

ROSEMERTA

hiya even though you WON'T LET ME DONATE TO MY OWN TOWN you're anti-purist

I wanted to see if we were still on for Thestral Thursday since I want to promote it to my friends and get a sponsored ad out on Hooter and Wiztagram. I've made all the changes you thought I should make to the presentation and it's just about finished AND I did a powerpoint for it too. I couldn't get an actual thestral but that's probably for the best, they're pretty big and also not everyone would be able to see them anyway

I think this is a really great event and will promote a lot of unity across the board so thank you for the opportunity

this thursday? next thursday? let me know.

yours,
Asher
@thestralboner69

LOU

hey beautiful. feeling any better?

CRITTERS minus BEA

hiya if anyone sees Bea walking around looking mad and possibly with a weapon in her hand please warn me

I'd appreciate it thanks

is it possible to be hungover from not getting enough sleep bc thats exactly how i feel rn?? I was up ALL night keeping people safe during the full and then had to work monday, and monday is Old Lady Thurkell's day to call and ever since Evan and I saved her life she's been flooing in even longer and she still does all her yelling and complaining but then she also asks me how my family is?? so THEN last night I should have went to sleep early because I was so tired but I couldn't because I just kept worrying about how quiet of a full moon it was and nothing happened and how maybe that's scarier than having bad full moons

because why was it so quiet???

so I tried to take a bunch of selfies but it was too dark and now I'm at work again but I'm so tired. oh but thanks Dirk for the full breakfast yesterday you're a real pal

oh right, Old Lady Thurkell. when she didn't call that Monday, Evan and I went over there and it turns out she fell and broke her hip and her wand rolled away from her and since she doesn't have any family that likes her no one would have known if we hadn't gone over there so we're pretty much heroes. so you should remember that next time you say something bad about one of us

[CRITTERS]

critter pub night on friday?

I don't make suggestions of death
but I do make suggestions of pleasure iykwim 😘😘😉🙏🍆

CRITTERS

so I've been thinking about this for a while and I think we should all run @critters ??? i know Vivi wanted to run it too and pip would be really good at it and so maybe all of us except Jacob can have the password and run it. then it will be a little more accurate about the beasts and beings too

this has nothing to do with me not being able to post for 45 minutes because I'm worried everything I write will sound like a threat

because that's what @critters is

not threats but "IF YOU DO THIS YOU WILL DIE OR WORSE"

SLYTHERIN '10

guess who might be starting up a new start up

PRO TIP: if you have a ghost in your home, don't ENCOURAGE them to scare your kids just because they're misbehaving. It will only cause you more issues in the end AND more work for Critters.

[Bea]

spent all weekend following that Mundungus guy. lost my wallet on accident doing it too. he definitely might be a wolf and here's why:
- he only ate meat the whole time I saw him.
- the people at shovel and meat seemed to know him so he probably goes there to eat meat a lot
- later when we went out for a pint he kept glancing at the moon

I'm going to have another date a pint with him again and I'll see what else I can find out.

ETA:
[Hits & Crits]

I'm really worried about Old Lady Thurkell. she has called every single monday since I started working here so her not is very suspicious

can a Hit go check it out? I could go with you in case it's really a ghost but I don't think it is. also she knows me

just a public service announcement: the Spirit Division doesn't handle UFOs so if you see a UFO don't call us

actually if you see a UFO your name is Bedwyr Cadwallader and you need to put on your spectacles because it's just the moon. thank you for that riveting 23 minute Floo call. I beat two levels of kwazy kupcakes

CRITTERS

oi I didn't know we could just move into any vacant desk we wanted.

you're going to have to move again when we get a new deputy head, Sloper.

my heart goes out to all the lost lives and everything but I can't understand those of you who are pretty much telling You-Know-Who to come after you. Belinda's pretty much the only person making sense right now — I'm a purist and even I know he's Serious Business and it's bloody terrifying. Also you can stop blaming it on purists because not all purists are death eaters, thanks.

and before anyone says I'm being insincere, you can shove it up your arse. I was THERE at St. Mungo's getting attacked by werewolves and Tinworth is my HOME. if you think for a second I wanted any of this you're being willfully daft. they still can't even find two of our neighbors, this nice young couple I actually knew pretty well, and that's terrifying.

VIVI

I'm going to say it a million times but I'm sorry again for blasting you. you can hex me a lot in the training room I promise.

DONNIE

sorry about your sister
I didn't
I'm glad I met her before
sorry I flirted with your sister the morning she

JACOB

you can stop glancing at me every twenty seconds, thanks

CLARA

Clara clara clara I need you this is important.

MINISTRY

not sure if you all know but there were a lot of werewolves at the Ministry

having a hard time finding a Healer who's alive because we drove them off but we're all pretty hurt, me Vivi and Dirk.

not a great full.

PIP & EVAN

sweet Salazar I think the Death Eaters were here 😍🎄

I'm at St. Mungo's

Merry Christmas to everyone and have a very Asher New Year! except you, Mrs Thurkell. hope you die

CRITTERS

I've put a box of chocolates out in the breakroom for anyone who wants some!

[20 minutes later...]
THANKS A LOT CATCHLOVE

I think a muggle??? asked me out?

this is why I hate full moons.

old lady Thurkell must have really missed me on monday (I was out for a funeral) because she floo'd me first thing tuesday morning to yell at me for not being available for her to yell at on monday, then floo'd again yesterday to do her actual yelling. this time she's convinced that she has nargles in her attic put there by her neighbors who are all out to get her, and so I told her this was the ＨＡＵＮＴＩＮＧ  ＨＯＴＬＩＮＥ and not Nargle City so then I gave her Jacob Sloper's floo and told her to talk to him

just kidding Jacob I could never do that to you. but only because you're in the Beings, not for any moral reason. guess Turkell's still my favourite headache



but let me tell you, Ev and I had to talk to some of the ghost dads last week and some of them are well buff.

also to everyone who was invited to my party: thanks for coming, it was really a great time

[Pip, Evan, Clara, Ellis, Pru, Lou, Seb, Dolohov Twins, Jonah,Severus, etc***?]

what

I woke up in Gilderoy Lockhart's bed and we didn't even shag last night??? Now his weirdly cute cat is sleeping on his head, they're exactly the same

I'm going to snoop through his stuff tell me what you want to know about him.

Later
[Purists under 35]

recent events have made me think a lot lately. I mean really THINK.

we need to have a party to celebrate life. and to feel it.

tonight, the bathhouse, Greengrass estate.

you'd think I was working in a tavern or something, the way we get our regular calls. every single monday it's Neil Dingle, sticking his head into the Floo and yelling about who knows what, then Jack Hattersly asking if we've got any spare poltergeists he can take off our hands (we KNOW what you do with them, Jack, and no you can't have them) and then from 12:30 to 5 it's old lady Thurkell, trying to tell us her neighbors are putting centaur ghosts up in her attic again when really she's just a senile old crone, or maybe a senile old crone who's also got doxies.

I need a drink.