[Private to the Avengers + Tony]I've been staring at this blank screen for hours, trying to think of how to begin. But I owe you all an explanation and an apology.
I left because I was overwhelmed. I didn't want to fight any more, I didn't want to release the Other Guy again. What happened in Johannesburg cinched it. Even though it wasn't technically my fault, my mind had been fucked up with, it was still me who caused all that destruction and the loss of lives. I could've killed Tony. And it could happen again.
So I ran. I admit, I'm a coward. It was a reflex reaction. Hey, it worked before, right? I managed to stay hidden for nine years. Or at least SHIELD let me
think that way. It was a blissfully ignorant nine years, where all I had to worry about was myself and dealing with my anger issues, and helping other people as best I could. I hoped to return, or recapture, that simpler time.
The reason why I didn't didn't contact any of you - I've been asking myself that, because I know you'd be asking, too. The only answer I could come up with is that I was punishing myself. I'm a monster, I don't deserve kindness or friends or lovers. Anyways, I figured that since SHIELD knew where I was the first time I was hiding, it wouldn't be that difficult to locate me if I was needed.
Thing is, HYDRA found me first. And I always took it for granted that the Other Guy was strong enough to protect me, that he was invincible. But somehow they've come up with that drug to put the breaks on my transformation and knock me out. Now I'm even more scared, because I can imagine the damage they could cause if they could get a hold of my blood, sample my DNA, make clones or perform experiments to create other monsters, as bad as Emil Blonsky, or worse.
I'm sorry I ditched you guys. I really am. I don't know what else to say. I've learned my lesson that I can't run away from my problems, I'm here to face them. Or at least try to.
Whatever you guys decide to do with me, I'm fine with it. But this awkward silence is driving me up the wall.